Thoughts of a Mood Swinger

How do I feel today?

2011-12-23T00:15:00.000-08:00

This is the perpetual question I find myself asking as a bipolar sufferer. If I feel good, is it inappropriate? Is it a mood swing? Do I ever get anything that I would consider "normal"? It is bad enough to suffer the stigma of others and society as a whole. We end up putting a lot of doubt onto ourselves.I have had a very long period of mostly anxiety and depression. I can't pinpoint it but started about May in 2010. I managed to get away on a vacation in October of that year. It was touch and go whether I went in the end but I went and enjoyed it. Apart from the vacation, I have suffered mostly from anxiety. When my mood switched suddenly to elated and then manic in January 2011, it is not surprising that it felt good. If you read my blog posts from January onwards, it shows how I became delusional. I thought I had found the "answer", some kind of Nirvana. I went for weeks on 2 hours sleep or less. The only saving grace is that I didn't leave the house. I confined my night time activity to the computer. Being awake all night became the "norm".I am not sure if anyone really recognised that I was sick. New friends probably couldn't tell. I still related to people including doctors and no one noticed. Unfortunately I had no regular contact with a cpn at this time. I made grand plans to visit friends in Canada and the USA. I arranged flights and hotels to make it more "real" when doubts crept in. I wasn't getting the encouragement I wanted from my friends. Nobody wants to tell a bipolar sufferer they are wrong. They just let them get on with it. The phrase "tough love" comes to mind. The longer the manic episode, the bigger and longer the crash. My crash came in April or May. The realization about the trip I had planned sank in. I had to dismantle the trip best I could despite entering a deep depression. I was so embarrassed to tell people that the trip was off, even though I knew they understood.This led to a bad period of anxiety and depression. In the lowest point, I attempted suicide. I got support from the crisis team and it got me past the crisis. It was only really deferred because I am only just getting past it.I seem to have rambled on. Blogging is so much easier when you are hypomanic. It may not make total sense but it flows easier. I was meaning to talk about the perception of friends and family to sufferers. It is understandable why they would back off when you are down. It is less understandable why they back off when your mood lifts. They seem to assume that you are ill ( as my wife did on occasions). She would blame any assertiveness on being manic. it was very frustrating and hard to combat. There is a middle ground called "NORMAL" even though we find it hard to define.Please give us a break. It is bad enough being bipolar without stigma, whether it is from society or self.

A New Strictly Come Dancing Fan - a definite sign of a mood swing

2011-12-11T02:35:00.001-08:00

I was never a fan of Strictly Come Dancing. I admit to watching the weekday updates on occasions in the past. I have watched the latest series religiously and also the weekday updates. It was amazing how quickly I got hooked. It is certainly not due to the geriatric Bruce Forsythe who should have been pensioned off by now. I can't tell a Waltz from an American Smooth or a Pasa Doble from a Tango. Maybe it's the nice outfits? Maybe it's Holly Valance' legs? The latter is more likely.I actually enjoy the show. The exceptional dances make me smile, not for technique but for the performances. The judges are hilarious. I find myself caring who gets eliminated. I never vote, by the way.I don't know why I am blogging about Strictly. Maybe I have finally lost the plot. it is just a demonstration that I still find joy in something in my otherwise anxious mess of a life. Something can still make me smile and even get emotional. I am just saying that you should stick with things you like. It can brighten otherwise dark days.

Time for some honesty

2011-11-29T23:50:00.001-08:00

I often say I am okay-ish. That is on a good day. The truth is that I am not okay. I have not been okay for over 18 months. I struggle to get out of the house unless it is essential. That's if I have an appointment or I need to do something important. I use on-line shopping to avoid running out of food.My sleep is very disturbed. I was relying on zopiclone to get a reasonable night's sleep and even that began to be less effective. I now rely on Vallium to take away the anxiety that takes over most days. I don't like to rely on medication to survive. I take enough medications as it is. I have no problem taking the extra medications to get me through a few weeks. I don't want them to become part of my life.My typical day is as follows. I usually feel better by the evening and take my evening meds. I turn into bed at 10pm or maybe a bit earlier. I feel quite okay at this time. I have a very restless night and usually wake at about 1am. I toss and turn through the night and finally "wake up" at 5-6am. I usually dream heavily and feel more tired than when I went to bed. When I wake up, it is rare that I can just get up and start my day. I usually have a degree of anxiety that varies from mild to severe. I toss and turn, and it can take up to an hour for me to get out of bed. It is at this time that I can get dark thoughts of various degrees.I eventually get up and about, turn on my lifeline (my computer), make coffee and have breakfast. My mood usually lifts over the morning, especially if I have taken some vallium. The vallium makes my mornings a lot more bearable. I usually do not get out of the house unless I need to attend an appointment with doctor, cpn or pick up medications. I am quite aware that I need to get out more and to get more active. This has not changed in the last two years. My cpn is helping me to find resources that could help. It will not help to say "Pull yourself together", the usual advice to someone who is depressed.I don't have any solutions. If I did, I wouldn't feel so lost, scared and hopeless in various degrees. It is very frustrating being clearly able but apparently locked up in some terrible inertia. I appreciate support from all on-line friends but I need help from people I can actually see in person. Isolation leads to isolation. If I had cancer or a life-threatening disease, it would be different. I would suggest that bipolar disorder is life threatening, given the amazingly high suicide rate. The difference is that bipolar sufferers are often left alone in the community, having to cope for themselves and fight for DLA benefits ... I can't blame lack of money for my inactivity but it is a factor while I live on savings. The government love their low interest rates but they don't consider people who live off savings. They say it benefits people with jobs, house and LIVES... (sorry for the burst of UK politics)Thanks for reading,Clive

An update on my progress

2011-11-20T21:59:00.001-08:00

I was getting pretty frustrated at waking up every day in an anxious state and struggling through the days. It was no life. The slow progress seemed to fritter away. I am very patient but enough already. I am nearly 61 and I want to make something of my remaining active years (I am not quite decrepit yet). However fit you are in body, a messed up mind makes it worthless.

Any ways, I got into see my pdoc early and expressed my concerns as strongly as I could. After asking for help with extra medication, I was finally given some diazapam for the anxiety. I have only been taking 4mg early in the day but my mornings have been a lot better. Maybe it's the placebo effect, but I'll take it. I still haven't got out more but I feel like I am working up to it!Apart from the brief interlude of a vacation in October 2010, I have been in much the same state since May of 2010, various degrees of anxiety or depression. I was making some good progress but now I feel worse than ever. April to June this year was a very low point and I needed crisis team support. I am better than that but not by very much. Sorry for a slightly negative post, but I wanted to be as honest as I could. I am tired of saying I am OK or OK-ish or fine or other euphemisms. We have to find a place where telling the truth isn't whining or complaining. That becomes part of the stigma.I just hope a few days of the extra meds will get me moving. I am seeing my cpn weekly and they want to refer me to a group. My pdoc is supportive but I don't think anyone can really relate to what it is like to lose a lifetime of friends and career. I used to have a great life in a great country and I miss it. This is far worse than being made redundant. No one seems to care. I am not in the statistics. I am not unemployed. I am not getting benefits. I live on savings and the government seems determined to keep interest rates at an all time low. Inflation is higher than it has been. I just wish I could be recognised. I don't spend much money. I just see myself spending my way through my savings and back onto benefits at some point. the trouble is I will be beyond benefits age by then.I didn't mean to drift into a political tirade but I want a voice, at least an an acknowledgement that I exist. I am tired of the politicians telling people to get back to work when there there are clearly no jobs, especially for people with long term problems. I have a degree and I spent 7 years getting knocked back by employers. I was lucky that I could call myself "retired", another convenient euphemism.

The week ahead ...

2011-10-23T00:10:00.000-07:00

This week is my time to get moving. I have been feeling brighter and I feel up to tackling a few things. I have the fasting blood test on Tuesday for my annual diabetes check. It's lucky I have no problem with blood tests. I guess all the lithium levels tests over the years makes it easier. The "fasting" part can be tough, especially because my appointment is not until 9.50am.My cpn is off this week. I have been seeing her on Wednesdays, so I have to keep busy on other things. I have recently got hooked on a game called Words With friends on facebook. It is very distracting and challenging, especially when you are playing 4 games in parallel. The beauty is that you can come back to games whenever you have time. Games can last from hours to days, maybe even weeks! I have friends in the usa and Australia who I play with. The big time differences are not an issue. We are awake at the same time on occasions.I want to use this blog more to track my attempts to get more active. I have written a lot about being bipolar and I have received a lot of nice supportive comments. I am still surprised to receive a comment on a blog post that I wrote ages ago.

I bought an annual pass to Warwick castle earlier in the year. I used it quite a lot in the early weeks when my mood was on the higher side. I want to get back now, especially to get photos of the fall/autumn colours. They were beautiful last time I saw them.Clive

Thoughts on a much better week

2011-10-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

My sleep is still a work in progress but this week has been the best in some while. I have not got out much but i did get out one day and I have felt brighter. I am at least thinking about doing things! I am more aware how my sleep is critical to my mental well being. I have been waking up quite early all week. 5-6 am is okay but 3am is still the middle of the night. I am grateful that my Facebook friends on the West Coast of the US are up as well as my Australian friends.I try not to take a sleeping tablet at bed time (zopiclone), mainly because I don't have many. I need to ask the GP to give me the higher dosage tablet because I need two and they don't last long. I have been taking a tablet if I wake in the night but it doesn't always work.My cpn is off next week and I am on my own. My only commitment is to get a fasting blood test for my annual diabetes review early in November. I am pleased that my GP's are on top of that. My goal for the week is to get out more. Nothing new there!! I plan to get to Warwick Castle so I can get some photos of the autumn/fall colours. I hope they are changing by now. I have been thinking of day trips or short breaks and that is a good sign. I haven't done that in a long time.I get quite a few comments on this blog. Mostly they say how they have helped. I am pleased about that. The comments help me equally, so please keep them coming. As I said before, I plan to post more often as I move forward.Regards,Clive

2011 : A Difficult Year

2011-10-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

2010 was not a great year. I was taking new medication that didn't seem to be suiting me. I was suffering a lot of anxiety and I canceled a lot of important things. On a day in the first week of 2011, I went into a manic state. I deluded myself that I was "OK" and made some inappropriate plans. The manic state finally diminished in April or May. I got very depressed and I had to cancel the inappropriate plans. I needed support from the Crisis Team to get me through this period.

I have been a lot more stable since August but I struggle more and more to get out of the apartment/flat. As my sleep has improved, I have felt slowly better but I need occasional sleep medication. Several days of poor sleep leads to returning symptoms, especially in the mornings.

I won't be sorry to get into 2012. I will be able to resolve my personal financial situation. I seem to be a bit in limbo at the moment.

The good news is that I have been feeling brighter this last week. This is ironic because the mornings and evenings are getting darker by the day. I did get into town once this week. For me, this is progress. It has always been two steps forward followed by one back. I just need patience. Having a cpn (community psychiatric nurse)has been very helpful.

Regards,
Clive

Where do I want to be in 5 years?

2011-08-07T05:07:00.000-07:00

The answer is that I have no idea. I struggle with knowing where I want to be in one year or even next week. I don't mean where physically. I mean in terms of various aspects of my life.

The second session of my Managing Depression group was about increasing activity. Part of the "homework" was to brainstorm on this subject. I find it very difficult to know what I want. I think this is a big factor in my depression. I think that hope comes from having goals. Even though I was not having luck finding work, it was a goal. I gave up on job hunting because of the stress it was causing. I had failed to realize that job hunting had been my major goal. I am sure it is more complicated than that.

A lot has happened since I stopped job hunting. I am not sure it is as simple as restarting job hunting. I do have to review my options.

New Blog - please follow if you want to stay in touch

2011-04-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have frozen this blog. If you want to carry on following my posts, please follow the new blog. It will still mention bipolar and mental health issues, but it will be more general.

http://clivewild.blogspot.com

Thanks,
Clive

Buddy, can you spare some time?

2011-04-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

Everyone in the modern world seems obsessed with how busy their lives are. Give me a break!! Try living for 4 months on 2-3 hours sleep a night. I have time in abundance, made even more apparent by having no job, and not through want of trying. Doesn't this sound wrong somewhere? I am reasonably intelligent, IT literate, published author, lousy at Suduko, quite healthy having lost 84 pounds and I can't even get arrested {in job terms}. I am angry and I think I am right to be after being thrown on the scrap heap of life prematurely. Enough of my rant. I have to move on.

What frustrates me most is that all these people wit such busy lives have no time for us, the long suffering people with a mental illness diagnosis. Because of the insomnia that is commonly associated wit Bipolar Disorder, I have a lot of time on my hands. Most of it is spent alone. Much of that is in the long nights, made bearable by the internet and on-line friends. I just can't remember how I managed before the internet. It probably explains some of the nocturnal wandering that accompanied manic episodes. The internet can now keep the most manic person reasonably occupied.

The on-line community and support system can work well. Even on-line, it is easy to find yourself alone despite there being millions of people on at any time. I am at a loss to explain this phenomena. There is often no one to tweet to, message on facebook, talk to on skype or simply chat to. Everyone goes MIA. This is understandable in the Mental health community but maybe not in the wider population. I guess I am pleading to those who are logged on and not talking. If you see a friend who posts at some ungodly hour, please say hello at least. They may appreciate a quick chat. In my most anxious periods, an early on-chat could turn around my day and often did.

I have time on my hands so I have been idly thinking about time zones. The UK must be one of the most unfortunate time zones for the insomniac who is awake between midnight and sunrise. The stragglers in the USA and Canada drift off to bed as rime passes. There are a few Aussies and Kiwis who are around but there are far less of them. The area in between is a bit of an internet desert, at least there is no one in my circle of friends. I think it must be good to live down under if you are an insomniac. There is more chance of finding someone awake. Just an idle but totally useless conjecture...

If You Can't Stand the Heat .....

2011-04-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

I care for all my on-line friends. Most of you have an interest in Mental Health issues and that is no coincidence. Others of you shared my eight loss journey over what is now 2 years. I have never hidden away my bipolar disorder, some might say to the detriment of my life. I don't feel like I have lost out. I feel like I have gained far more than I have lost and I hopefully continue to be a good role model.

I am at a crossroads in my recovery. I am not as arrogant as to claim a cure is possible. You might hear that from a certain Catherine ZJ in coming weeks. Bipolar is for life not just for Christmas. I put down my progress to working hard over the 28 years since the onset. There have been downs, the most sever of which came this year. I have always bounced back from illness setbacks and life's setbacks. I have some resilience.

Before I ramble on, as is my style, my point! A lot of my progress was made possible by my isolation. I had no one second guessing me, no parrot on the shoulder saying "Take Your Meds", "Get Some Sleep", " I am Busy Now" or other inane suggestions. Let's face it, no one ever has time. Muggles, as my friend calls them, have busy lives. Why should they put off their plans to support a sick loved one? They have worked hard all year and deserve some R&R. I have been very much been left to my own devices, even in my lowest suicidal moments. I manage my finances pretty well. I have always taken pride in the fact that I work on problems. I never take the elated moods for granted and rarely use them (except for maybe in writing my book). Every manic or hypomanic experience has been less of a problem than previous ones. That is my commitment.

All I ask is that friends accept my intelligence and my commitment to get better if not well. If you don't understand, just ask but don't second guess me unless you have walked in my shoes. Only fellow sufferers know what it is like to be bipolar. I have tried to explain in newspaper articles and in radio appearances but i am not sure how well I did? My book hopefully helped to a point. My best feedback comes from the intelligent questions from those who read the book.

I don't ask for much. I am not a government statistic except maybe as a winter fuel payment recipient or someone who gets free prescriptions. Everyone won't "get" bipolar. If you don't, let me get on with my life. To quote a very old phrase "If You Can't Stand the Heat, Get Out of The Kitchen". It is bad enough that mental health professionals don't understand, without everyone and their dog having an opinion.

My isolation ... and hope for the future

2011-04-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am a grumpy old man. Maybe 61 isn't old, but go with me on this!

It is my weekend for self reflection and having a good moan. Please allow me that indulgence. I have got out more recently and enjoyed the nice spell of weather. I have enjoyed taking my camera out to the parks and around town. This is all good, but i still don't talk to anyone for days on end. This excludes my excellent on-line friends who keep me sane. It also excludes the mental health professionals, pharmacy staff and fellow MH sufferers who I meet now I get out.

I need to do something. I have been saying this for 40 years, maybe longer. Not a lot has improved except my ability to put it in perspective and not stress about it. I find myself feeling better than ever in my whole life and totally isolated socially. Someone said I was admired recently. I said I would exchange admiration for a nice hug. I was serious but there was no response. In view of who it was, it could have been considered stalking. Okay I am busted. I like to have some good looking ladies in my friends list!

I thought it might be interesting to list my face to face contacts this weekend. That is since I bitch about weekends and holidays meaning nothing to non-working unpaid people. We have a spate of Public holidays coming up.

• Day Center staff and fellow attendees
• Guy on Cheese and Cooked Meats stall in market
• Nice lady who serves in the health food store
• My neighbor
• Surprise phone call from my friend in Canada
• Guy sitting on a bench who I passed in the park.

This was a good weekend. I am making progress. I am a normal guy who happens to be bipolar. If I accept that and put bipolar behind me, will all the friends I have lost do that also. Will my friends and family want to spend time with me? Do I have to re invent myself and go back to being Clive Edwards? Clive Wild will be that bipolar guy who wrote a book. I like being Clive Wild and there will be at least two more books. I am not a willing writer, so don't worry.

I hope this rant/vent helps to put me in perspective. I have been a lonely isolated introspective shy invisible guy for much of my life. That guy has gone. I think I can thank my recovery process and the fact that much of it was done in isolation. I maybe alone and unseen, But I think clearly and you wouldn't believe how productive I can be. That is mostly when most people are tucked up in bed. The days have been 20 hours and longer. I don't take a breath unless I get over tired.

Is it not likely that my sort of mind goes MAD if unstimulated or under used ??

The hope for the future? That starts here. It will get a big kick start when I visit Michael in Toronto in September, my on-line family in the US/Canada and extended family in New England.

Hero or Zero?

2011-04-08T04:56:00.000-07:00

Are bipolar sufferers crazy or special? I think it depends on your perspective. The general public would probably lean towards “crazy” because it is easier to marginalize someone you don’t understand. It is easier to control someone who is treated as an aberration. I am afraid this view might extend to family, friends, doctors and other mental health professionals. This is because no one really understands what it means to be bipolar. How could anyone without direct experience as a sufferer?

I think this situation is responsible for most bipolar sufferers being thrown on life’s scrap heap and often prematurely. I have met a lot of other bipolar sufferers in my 28 years as a sufferer. I can say without a doubt that the majority of sufferers are very intelligent and have hidden talents. For the most part, bipolar sufferers are treated like other mental illness sufferers. They are medicated heavily and sent home to get on with their lives. Many of their friends, family and former colleagues have backed off, especially if they came face to face with a manic episode. This is the true stigma, not that by the general public or even the media. Highly intelligent people are left isolated and often unable to find work. I am convinced that many problems of bipolar sufferers are caused by a lack of meaningful activity and a feeling of not being wanted.

I believe that many bipolar sufferers have much to offer society. Society would rather they were medicated and seen but not heard. There are exceptions such as celebrities. Sufferers like Stephen Fry would argue that it is the same for them to be bipolar. They may suffer the same traits but money and fame do make life easier. While Stephen Fry is fighting off work all the time, many sufferers can’t find any kind of work. When was Stephen Fry asked for a CV or resumé. His checkered past is a badge of honor. For most bipolar sufferers it is a sign of mental illness.

Many bipolar sufferers have written their experiences in a book. Very few have sold many copies, I would wager. Publishers are only interested in celebrity authors, even if they are C-list or D-list. The book stores are filled with piles of discounted celebrity biographies. People like me find it hard to get their book discounted and it will never appear in a book store. Publishers and retailers don’t seem to want to sell books by unknown people?

The bipolar sufferer’s main support comes from other sufferers, either in support groups of on-line social network sites. At least other sufferers truly understand and listen without judging.

I asked the question “Hero or Zero?”. I would suggest that many bipolar sufferers have the potential to be heroes. Instead, they are treated as zeros and stamped “reject”. I am doing myself to be a hero but it is a constant struggle. Thanks for reading.
Clive

Thoughts on getting out of the pits....

2011-03-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

I had a couple of terrible days where nothing made me happy. I was wallowing in self pity, at least that's the way it might have seemed. I have a lot of internal energy which no meds seem to dent. If the energy works for me, that is all for the good, and I approach a kind of hypomania. I say "kind of" because I am not sure it has made the text books yet!! If the energy turns in on myself, then I am in trouble. I might sleep for 2 or hours and wake close to midnight. I try to stay in bed to avoid the hyper activity. This is fine for 4 or 5 hours. Then I get anxious and increasingly messed up. Any thought of getting up disappears and thoughts of not getting up take over. I start doubting everything including my planned trip to Canada and the US in six months time. There are no doubts other than those conjured by my mind. I hate that this happens but insight into it doesn't seem to help.

I eventually got up and turned on my computer. I made coffee and breakfast, the ritual that I go through most mornings. I felt happy soon because talking to friends on-line dragged me back into the world. I felt quite cheerful if a little edgy. I was okay apart from the continued exhaustion and the thoughts that another night will leave me back in that pit.

I felt happy because I have good friends who care about me even when I may not care about myself !! It is amazing how often "On-line Therapy" saves my bacon. I just need to get on and do it. The rest of my day was amazingly good. I attended the planned introduction to Relaxation class. It was enjoyable and useful. I even made it to my slimming group in the evening, and walked both ways. My wallowing on the previous evening seemed to have given me a chance to recharge because I stayed up later than usual.

My choice is to get up and fuel the hyper tendencies or wallow at the risk of fueling the anxiety!! I decided to split the difference and set a daily alarm for 4 am. I treat 4am as my threshold of morning. Before this time, it is that place we call "middle of the night". On most nights I have done with sleeping by 4am. Typically on the first night trying this, I found it hard to fall asleep and the alarm woke be abruptly from sleep with "Planet Rock..." rather too loud for 4am. I might revert to a regular alarm bleeping sound !! The theory is that I get out of bed soon and get on with stuff. If I am struggling, I will try on-line therapy. If all else fails I will text a friend for some human contact... I think this might be a good strategy might be a good one. I am starting a relaxation class on Friday. Hopefully I can incorporate things I learn into my coping routine?

This post started as a post to a bipolar forum and became a note on Facebook. I thought it was worth extending into a blog post. I hope it might help someone else.

Clive {{hugs}}

I was happy yesterday because..

2011-03-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

I was happy yesterday because.. I was just happy !! I don't need a reason at the moment. It is a change from last year when I didn't need a reason to be anxious or depressed. I don't know what changed but I took it with both hands. I have taken the chance to work on myself and on my moods. It is going on 3 months now, with the odd blip mostly when I get over tired. Touch wood, I bounce back after rest or a sleep. I feel happy, PERIOD!!

It is only just into today. I mis-read my alarm through bleary eyes and got up at 12.30. If I had read it properly , it may not have kept me in bed. That is irrelevant. I was happy yesterday because it was a good balanced day. I went out to town in the morning. I picked up some pills from the Pharmacy, bought groceries from two shops and stopped off for a large skinny latte at Costa Coffee. I kept busy all day but took time out to watch TV and run weekly computer scans. It was a Saturday as I remember them. Lately, I couldn't be bothered to get up.

I have realized that one of the secrets of happiness is to set your goals realistically. If you have achievable goals for a day or a week, you have a much better chance of achieving them. Achieving them will hopefully make you happy. If you set unrealistic goals, failure is likely and you will feel unhappy or worse. It is simplistic but it has helped me a lot. If I expect to have a great life as I remember, it isn't going to happen in a hurry, and I will continue to feel miserable. I think it is best to set yourself realistic goals and work towards them. Baby steps !! You should start doing things that might help you in the long run.

Clive

Feeling very good .. is it legal?

2011-03-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

I feel ridiculously good. I am sure it would illegal, except that herbal tea and coffee are legal , as far as I know? You can say I am manic. Good friends have asked politely.. I am not even in the manic spectrum. I feel good. This may be a new sensation but I like it. Elevated mood without the assistance of some chemical imbalance or screwed up brain functioning. I did feel similarly in the brief honeymoon period of my last marriage. That was a few weeks in 1993. That is pretty sad in 61 years. There must have been other periods but not many. After the bipolar appeared, I increasingly began to doubt good moods. This was a necessary side effect of becoming more insightful.

I have realized that you can be brought down by the doubts of nay sayers. No one really understands what mood swings are like. Even less understand how or why they occur. My theories are as valid as anyone's until they get some definitive tests and medications that don't "just work". Most psychiatric meds were initially used for another illness such as epilepsy. They just happened to help bipolar symptoms and they were used thereafter. I can't think of many meds that are uniquely used for treating bipolar disorder. Show me a bipolar patient who doesn't have medication issues. Most of them will say "It helps me, but ....". What I was trying to say before the sidetrack is that we have to ignore nay sayers in order to recover. Much of my life was on hold because I respected everyone else's feelings or opinions. I was never allowed to fly!! Very few people will encourage you to do your best and to push the envelope. They would rather you were in a chemically induced straight jacket. I am sorry .. I want more !! I want a life !! I don't want my life back.. that is about career and practical stuff. It is pretty well over.

In the words of Tom Wooton, in Bipolar in Order : "What is unfortunate today is that far too many people continue to cling to the old belief that it is impossible to live a full life with a mental condition."

I believe strongly that the way MH patients are treated causes most of their MH problems. If they allow themselves to explore the spectrum of moods, they will have a fuller and more fulfilling life. The majority of MH sufferers I have met are very intelligent. What a waste of potential? We are stigmatized and many are unable to work.

Clive

From Zero to Hero... possible trigger

2011-03-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

This blog started as a post on a web site that I use often. I started to ramble on and I think it is a good time for a "feel good" blog post. I need to counteract some of my recent downers.

I know I am a mood swinger and it is easy to doubt my good feelings. I have been disappointed in the past and several times in the last 3 months. The difference is that I have been bouncing back after a good rest and on-line therapy. Thanks to my on-line community for the continued support. I am still embarrassed when I hear that I am inspirational but I am getting used to taking it gracefully.

I am really feeling good... Up early but it isn't so bad if you accept it will happen... Same with the mood swings.. It is a pretty simple realization but it has helped me. I think it came from reading the Bipolar in Order book, or maybe from some mindfulness reading, or maybe from both? [B]If you are prepared for something, it won't be so bad !![/B]

I feel a bit fuzzy from the seroquel hangover and I stagger a round around a bit first thing. I just don't like staying in bed when I feel good. That is opposed to my previous period when I couldn't leave my bed day after day...

I treated myself to a DAB (digital) alarm clock radio for the bedroom. It is great. I can now listen to Planet Rock Radio whenever I like, especially with the cordless headphones that I bought recently. I have spent a lot recently but it is no way a manic spending spree. I haven't spent much in ages and it is just a few treats. I need most stuff I bought, If you stretch the meaning of need!!! I especially enjoyed ordering some new clothes at my new reduced size. I have been making do and I was tired of not knowing what to wear. I am thinking of buying a suit, just because I want one !!! It might encourage me to attend stuff more...

I bottomed out last week mood wise. I have bounced back with a vengeance. This week has been great. I have gone from zero to hero on the mood scale. I get the odd blip when I get over tired, but I am managing to pre-empt it when possible. I won’t dwell on my recent crises. It spread over a couple of weeks and incorporated two crisis teams calls (largely fruitless), a call to my psychiatrist to get an early appointment, a call to the Samaritans crisis line and a final call to my GP. Speaking the “S” word was a major breakthrough. In my very disturbed mood (a definite and definitive zero on the mood scale), I wallowed for hours and couldn’t see the wood for the trees. I ideated about “S” and thought of ways I could do it. I dismissed pills after a previous failed attempt in 1997. I am too much of a coward for something violent. I kept thinking of the person who would discover me. I never concern myself with how it would affect family. I was more concerned about disappointing friends. After all, I have stuff to do, not least of much being two new books. I still have to get my first book to sell in North America.

To cut a long story short, I mentioned the “S” word to the Samaritans lady. It is amazing how a total stranger can help you by listening for a few minutes. Thank goodness I found the strength from somewhere to make the call. It was a brief call and she got me to call my GP. My big problem was in not knowing who to call. I had a bad experience of Crisis Team calls. The Psychiatrist was not readily accessible. “999” seemed inappropriate and would probably result in getting sectioned. I secretly wanted to be hospitalized but saw no “good” way of doing it. That is somewhere that the American system might be better.

I was so down that no friends’ names came to mind. How could I impose such a bad situation on a friend? Since the crisis, several friends have said I can call. Even the GP surgery manager said to call and “ask for her”. I probably wouldn’t but it was a nice gesture. I took the advice to call the GP surgery. This was just after they opened at 8.30 on March 10th . For a change I didn’t get the “Your call is important to us” bullshit. How frustrating is it to be to be told to call back at a quite time (repeatedly)? Some supercilious lady saying “if you have a genuine emergency , please call 9 : 9 : 9”. Thank god they are only a phone recording. If I had an old style phone, I would probably slam it down!!! No one seems to realize that you are struggling to even make a call when in crisis: you just need help fast with little bullshit.

Do you have to be so unwell that you can’t make a call? I feel so angry for other people when I think about the system. I live alone with a very serious mood disorder. I don’t see anyone face to face for a whole week sometimes. My on-line community of friends are my lifeline. No one hears me scream!!! I spend many sleepless nights passing time and listening to music on my cordless headphones. It is not perfect. Even my insomniac friends have to sleep sometimes. It helps to have friends in many time zones from West coast USA to New Zealand. UK peeps seem to love their beds more than most. My Facebook is often a wasteland in the wee small hours. Facebook must be the biggest social network in the world. It has a zillion users. I have close to 300 friends and that is deliberately kept down to people I know vaguely. 90% of my friends have some interest in mental health. Most of the rest are slimming friends or friends I met on holidays.

I hope I haven’t rambled too much. I tend to do that if I write off the top of my head !! In short, I often need someone to talk to. By talk, I usually mean chat on the interweb. When you are slight hyper or some degree of manic, it is healthier to talk to someone and on rare occasions, actually listen !!

I was calling the GP surgery. I mentioned the “S” word again. They got me an appointment within the hour. Impressive!! Luckily I only live 5 minutes walk from the surgery. In more severe crises, I am only 10 mins from the hospital!! I went early because I hate waiting around for anything. I sat in the surgery for 20 minutes. Dr M was nice although he didn’t recognise me. I have seen him a lot of times but I am not really a regular GP user (I am pleased to say). The surgery has about 6 doctors. I think I have seen them all bar one in the last few years. Dr M said the usual “I don’t know your case”. I am sorry but no one does. My psychiatrist knows a lot but even she is learning about me. When I see doctors, it is usually about something particular such as sleep, constipation, diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol or the cyst on my arm that wouldn’t go away. The latter was mostly treated by the nurse after initial mis-diagnoses by GP’s. My notes are a mishmash of anecdotes. !5 years of my bipolar history was spent in California and I was diagnosed there, My onset was during my year in Saudi Arabia. I did get my US notes sent over but I am not sure they shed much light on “what I am like”.

Dr M read my notes and made copious new notes in my files. I do like him as a GP and I would choose him to handle a crisis. That’s if I had a choice or was capable of making one. We discussed my lack of sleep because that seemed to be a key problem. I was dead on my feel but not tired. I knew that anything he prescribed would not do much and that they wouldn’t give me a big supply. I was suicidal after all and I had tried before. Most meds don’t touch me and if they say two can be taken, I will definitely need two. Very rarely have I ever been highly sensitive to medication. Haloperidol was an exception. I once took something called Serenace but it may not exist now. This gave me a lot of problems. Basically with me, it is like a vet knocking out an elephant !! I have seroquel on prn (to take as I see fit). Seroquel knocks most of my friends out. I take 100mg at night. For example, I recently took 200mg as a prn and didn’t even slow down. It used to help my sleep but the effect is not much now. I wake up a bit groggy after 4-5 hours sleep if I am lucky. I went off “happily” with the prescription for 14 tablets of temezepam. At two per dosage, this was 7 days supply. I was not hopeful but it gave me some hope. I always give new meds a chance.

My instinct was to return from the pharmacy, take two and sleep for hours. I knew the latter wouldn’t happen but I could dream. Dr M said to wait as late as possible, and the usual “go for a walk” speech. That had been the Crisis Team’s highly thought out suggestion. I got “really” exhausted about 3pm. I took two pills and lie down. I did not sleep but I got up in a cheerful mood before 4pm. Things can flip moods that way. Not sure why but I took it. Crisis was over. My mood swung wildly for a couple of days and then settled to a good level. “good” being 8 on the Richter scale !! I avoided all TV coverage of the Japanese disaster to avoid triggering. Not that I didn’t care, but enough people were worrying about it. One more might not make a difference.

I had a very high mood in January and February. I protested it was not hypomania. It was not in my definition but it was akin to hypomania. I am not sure what it was. It was probably just hypomania that has been modified by my years of insight and attempts to achieve that. My sleep was brief but regular but the crash came inevitably, most out of tiredness. It was different to past experiences because rest usually restored the good mood. It is almost 3 months now and I feel tremendous. I am very calm and the hypomanic jerkiness has gone. I maybe a bit over excited!!

I am okay as long as I manage activity, sleep and rest. I find it best to pre-empt tiredness where possible and I am getting better at doing that. I still struggle to take breaks and push myself too hard most of the time.

That is my story of the last couple of weeks or months.

Clive

My Mood - A Work-in-Progress

2011-03-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

I feel great. Not powered by hypomania or random chemical imbalances {maybe a touch LOL}. Wednesday I hit zero on the mood scale. I still don't "get" these mood swings after 27 years plus. I do know they can work for you or badly against you. I told my psychiatrist recently that I sometimes wish I was a bit less mentally driven (tries to not be offensive).

I had one of those all too rare moments of clarity after I turned into bed yesterday. I was so excited that I got up and worked on the computer for an hour more. I even set up a new facebook group. I think it all came out of a good day of on-line therapy, mostly chatting with my recent friend Dale in Australia.

Sometimes talking stuff over makes it clearer. Sometimes not !!

My breakthrough may not be earth shattering but for me it was that "Eureka Moment". The apple fell well and truly on my thick skull. I realized that much of my malaize is due to an irrational need to have a regular life, to "have a life" in more brutal terms.. I had this Rose Tinted view of what life should be. Nothing else would ever be enough. Because of my situation, nothing was going to change unless I did something to make it happen. Friends were more likely to back off further, rather than come closer.

I have to make a life for myself. I have done this before when I lived in a new area and I have done it for a group of bipolar friends. The crux of my idea was a Facebook Group to allow 50 somethings to meet and arrange social and sports activities. Why should social networking be something for the young? I live on facebook, so why shouldn't I use it to my advantage. The trick will be in getting people to join !!

Have a great weekend !!

Welcome to the:

South Warwickshire Young Farts Activity Club S.W.Y.F.A.C.
__________________
Regards,

Clive

What does Seroquel actually achieve?

2011-03-04T05:33:00.000-08:00

I deliberately say achieve. I am sure there are numerous studies about what it does in "med speak". I am not too concerned with what it does to various parts of the brain. I am concerned with how I feel when on Seroquel.

In the honeymoon period, I guess I was blinded by the improvement in my sleep, but what price sleep? My mornings are a constant struggle, anywhere from general anxiety to depression. I very rarely want to get out of bed. If I manage to get up, I have no motivation to do anything. I am writing this just after noon. I couldn't have concentrated well enough until very recently. My evenings and often my afternoons are a different picture to my mornings. I feel like a different person. I suspect Seroquel because of my experiences last year. I reported to my doctor that I had the anxiety. The response was to increase my dosage from 100mg to 200mg and then to 400mg. The anxiety increased and I returned to 100mg, my current dosage.

What about the anti manic properties? I recently had a 7 or 8 week period of hypomania. I took my Seroquel regularly throughout. The only effect that I noticed was that I was physically impaired longer than I was sleeping. I was only sleeping 2-3 hours each night. I don't think the Seroquel did much for the mania.

I am beginning to wonder if Seroquel is causing more problems than it solves. My sleep is erratic. My mornings are a nightmare, And then there are the incessant dreams and disturbed patterns of dreaming. Does anyone else share my concerns?

Knowing what I want

2011-03-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling lately. I called my pdoc's secretary yesterday and managed to talk to my pdoc. This helped in itself and she agreed to see me today. At that point, I knew what I wanted to talk about at the appointment.

By a strange coincidence, I changed to Seroquel XL (extended release)last night. I am not sure if the doctor had requested this on a precription. This morning has been a lot better than recent ones, but it is only one morning.

Time with a doctor is limited and it is important to know what you want or expect. It is not always as simple as it might seem. I wish I knew the answer. I guess I need to work out my priorities, such as getting help with my sleep.

Maybe The Dulled Equilibrium of Lithium Wasn't So Bad

2011-02-26T02:12:00.000-08:00

I took lithium for a long time. I took it regularly with notable exceptions. I finally had to be taken off lithium for medical reasons. It was then I noticed how dulling lithium had been. I was initially pleased to be off it. The theory was that Quetiapine and Carbamazepine would do a good enough job. If I look back, my life on lithium was much more stable and productive. I don't think that the new regime is doing a good job. My mood is anything but stable and I frequently suffered from general anxiety. I don't recall anxiety being a problem when I took Lithium.

I recently had a long period of something akin to hypomania. I would call it a mild hypomania, if any such thing exists. For all intents and purposes, it was hypomania. I talked about hoping to find some new "self". It was intoxicating to be productive and to think clearly. It is frustrating to think it was just a "mood swing".

I wrote well thought out blogs that declared I was not delusional. I think I was deluding myself. I have now "crashed" from the apparent hypomania. I am not sure how I feel. If I had to put a label on it, I would probably call it "depression". I would gladly take the equilibrium given by lithium. It enabled me to get on with my life.

I hope my thoughts help to express the contrasts of bipolar disorder and the frustrations that they cause. Writing a blog when I was in that pseudo hypomania was easy. I didn't have to think about it. Writing this blog has been really hard work.

What I really want is peace of mind. I want my mood to reflect reality and not be reliant on some chemical imbalance. I am curious to know what "normality" would be for me, but "Maybe The Dulled Equilibrium of Lithium Wasn't So Bad" .

A new website

2011-02-13T23:41:00.000-08:00

I have joined a new bipolar website. I am trying to support it and to help it get moving. Please check it out if you have time:

http://bipolar-forums.com/

Thanks

No More Mister Nice Guy !!

2011-02-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

Actually, it's more Mister Nice Guy. For too much of my 61 years, I have settled for second best. I went with the expectations of friends and family. I am talking about my emotional life. The expectations for my "career life" were always high. I never achieved what I was capable of because of the underlying emotional whirlpool. I did okay. I had average school exam results, average degree and a very good but not exceptional career in IT. Things did improve when I moved out and worked in Saudi Arabia and California. I regret that I broke out quite late at the age of 32. I was always a late developer!! I think my first book details the story well.

At the grand old age of 61, I have finally got the message. I should ignore the naysayers and doubters. It is worse for someone with a mood disorder. Everyone, include Mental Health professionals, wants to turn you into a zombie with stronger and stronger medications. In the preface of "Bipolar in Order", Tim Wootton says:

"I look forward to the day when we all rise above the ignorance that keeps us in fear and denial of a better life"

The asylum is a thing of the past but sufferers are often left in the asylum of their own mind. Out of mind, but maybe not fully out of sight. This must be the biggest stigma of all. Everyone wants cancer survivors, stroke survivors and heart attack survivors to recover into a good life. Who wants a good quality of life for the mentally ill? We often have to settle for second best. Worse still, we actively seek the second best option and we have no ambition beyond benefits and medication.

I have drifted off a bit but I think it is important stuff. I see so many talented people wasted and on the "scrap heap" of life. I have a lot of good friends, mostly in cyberspace, I regret. I think most of them are understanding and want the best for me. They appreciate it when I feel genuinely better and they don't treat it as "another" mood swing. This is an appeal for people to act that way. Give your mentally ill friends and family a bit of leeway. Life can be tough enough without the pressure of appeasing others. Unhealthy mood swings need to be handled but leave room for some joy. I will not ditch friends who try to bring me down. I rarely if ever will drop friends. I may choose to spend more time with those with positive and encouraging attitudes.

I have made a lot of new friends this year. They have all know me only as a positive and upbeat person. This is good for me. I don't have to constantly explain myself, to explain my not working and to explain why I don't always follow through on commitments.

I try to be a nice guy. I am just saying that I have my limits.

Thanks for reading.

Clive

10 Most Misunderstood Mental Health Disorders

2011-02-11T03:11:00.000-08:00

This is just a link and their blog doesn't necessarily reflect my views.

http://radiologytechnicianschools.net/10-most-misunderstood-mental-health-disorders/

Call me a radical .... if you like....

2011-02-10T05:46:00.000-08:00

I am really tired hearing about the inevitability of mood swings, mania in particular. Even Kay Redfield Jamison, an eminent expert in bipolar disorder, talks as though the madness is inevitable. Maybe I am out there with Tim Wootton, but I don't believe it. I suffered my first full-blown mania in 1982. Granted, my manias have never been as severe as other sufferers but the disruption was just as bad. I can honestly say that each subsequent mania has been less severe than the previous one. I don't just take it when the hypomania clutches me. I work on it and I have developed coping mechanisms.

I may have flown off on a doomed mission to work in Singapore in 1996. It wasn't the impulsive manic flight of fancy like in previous manias. It was fairly well planned and considered, but just a little crazy. It was more about the frustration in my life and career at the time. The manic edge gave me the ability to convince some poor person to employ me unseen. I never actually met the poor person because he was out of the office in my brief stay at Citibank's Singapore offices. I behaved inappropriately in Singapore before I started work and I really burnt out. I wasn't at all welcome in the office and I jumped ship back to Los Angeles. I blew a lot of money on fancy hotels but that was the extent of my mania. The crash came in a miserable depression back in England. This was after another abortive job (acquired and started in Sacramento), a spell with my mother in law, and a flight to England without warning. The depth of the later depression far exceeded the heights of the mania.

My few manic periods since 1996 have been very mild. They may have gone beyond hypomania, but only marginally. My hypomanias have been milder too. I shudder to say controlled but I felt that in 2009 as I wrote my first book. I can't claim to have conjured up the hypomania but I didn't fight it and it facilitated the writing process. I came down on the day of the books publication, two and a half months after starting writing. That was my last real period of hypomania. I have become adept at spotting the upward mood swings and I can stop them in their tracks. The only regret is that I sometimes stop genuine good feelings. I feel as though I am getting past this as I gain insight.

I have just had 5 weeks of feeling great, with the odd blip due to over tiredness. It had tinges of hypomanic behaviour but it never crossed the line. I don't delude myself and I would admit it if I was wrong. I might be deluding myself that I have found some sort of Nirvana, but I will take it for what it is. I feel somewhat normal for the first time in years, maybe forever! I have worked hard for these 5 weeks as I think earlier blog posts demonstrate. I have documented the journey and I don't think any of it could be considered "crazy". I get moments of feeling guilty for feeling so good. I worry about being in the company of others who can't accept the difference. I certainly hope the Clive of recent months and years is not the real deal. I have been all shades of depressed, hypomania, anxious, but rarely happy, cheerful, contented... Choose your own word. I could worry for England and now I don't know what to worry about. I don't know what I worried about. Everything changed over night and I can't help worrying that I might revert the same way. I hope I have worked hard enough to give me a fighting chance.

I have been reading Tim Wootton's book Bipolar in Order in the last week or so. It is based on his theory of the Bipolar Advantage. When I read that book, I thought he was crazy. I think he is crazy but he admits it and he is happy being crazy. That is his basic premise. It is not the mania, depression, hallucinations and psychosis, it is the way we treat it as being really undesirable, to be stopped at all costs with pharmacology and maybe ect. Tim lives with his mood swings and delusions. He gives lecture tours. He seems very happy, happier than most people I know.

I hope I haven't rambled on too much. It just had to come out. I hope it makes sense. I really hate to re-read blogs that came out so naturally (without thought). Funny how my vocabulary improves when I am like this, maybe even my spelling.

As usual comments are much appreciated.

Clive

Being Up Nearly All Night -but not manic or deluding yourself!

2011-02-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

I have not had so many manic episodes, considering my 28 years of bipolar disorder. I can probably count serious episodes on one hand. Fortunately, each one has got less severe as I hopefully gained insight. I think that insight is often not included as a tool for recovery.

One of the key results of a mania is the loss of sleep or at least you "survive" or "make do" with less sleep. I can remember being awake between midnight and 8am for weeks on end. It might be a little irritating when manic but I think you can survive quite happily. The main thing is to find enough distractions. I don't think the internet was around or as popular when I had my most severe episodes. It makes hypomania so much more bearable and it must do the same for mania. It depends whether you have a car and or funds, how much mischief you can get up to. The world can be you oyster. I still remember cruising the LA freeways at 4am and eating huge breakfasts at 24 hour diners. In a way that was the upside of being manic. It was easier in LA as long as you had the use of a car.

My situation now is not a problem of mania, not even hypomania, but the jury may be out on that. My recent behaviour might be considered "manic" by some people. The similarity to mania or hypomania is that I am awake very early, typically at 2am. It is much harder to handle the nights when you are relatively "sane". When you are just awake a lot, it becomes tedious in the extreme. What do you do every night in the quiet of you own home. Apart from the lack of transport, there are no 24 hour diners in Warwick. I am sure I could find somewhere open if I tried really hard. The fact that I have not left my apartment during the night in these past 4 weeks, tells me that I am not at all manic. There are such things as taxis if I ever got the serious munchies.

If I got too active in a mania, I would take power naps and wake refreshed in two hours. My recent naps are restless and not too refreshing. I find myself passing the time from 2am onwards best I can. The early temptation was to go at 100mph and burn out by early evening. I have realized the error of my ways and I am working hard to manage my time better. I also have had a problem "doing nothing" without getting very anxious. This has not helped. I am making ground and I am trying to take not of the coping list that I made. "Slow Down!", "Take Breaks" and "Quiet Time" stand out from the list. Time management and better pacing seem to be my key thoughts.

I like to write blogs like this. Blogs that express frustrations normally hidden from the sleeping world. I hope it helps to express the deep frustration, in the hope that non-sufferers will gain a little insight. Maybe they will say hi on facebook if they suffer a little insomnia?

Thanks for reading this. I hope you found it useful.

Withdrawal Symptoms... from computer

2011-02-05T04:42:00.000-08:00

They say you don't realize how you rely on something until it is taken away. I didn't feel this intensely until my computer was taken away for repair. Actually it was still working, but overheating indicated it needed attention. It might just need a good clean, but I am not someone who likes to venture inside the computer case. (As it happened, it needed a new power supply)

On the first day without my computer, I was a basket case. I can't say I felt "bad". I just didn't want to be up and about. I spent the whole day under the duvet, with essential breaks and breaks to refuel. It was fortunate that I had made a large batch of melanzane parmigiana on the previous day.It made two very nice meals when re-heated. The breakfast that I had skipped became a supper. It was a surreal day.

It has brought home how I have become reliant on the computer for 99% of my human contact. I didn't realize how unhealthy this was until I lost use of the computer. I was looking a a few days without my computer. I was relieved when the repair guy said it might be ready the same day.

I know that I have to work on getting more human contact. I have become more and more isolated in my recent spell of general anxiety. Things have improved lately, but the urgency was never so clear to me.

I have only met a very small proportion of my online friends. Very few live locally and I rarely meet them in person. I need to find activities where I meet "real" people. I have to tear myself away from my beloved computer.

I have been going through a very unusual journey for these last four weeks, since waking one day from an anxious nightmare of sorts.

I was waking anywhere from midnight to 4 am. On most days, I would get up when I woke. I would turn on the computer almost immediately. My computer has been running until 9 or 10 pm most days for those four weeks. It might be a miracle that it hadn't overheated earlier. When it did overheat on Wednesday, it was very much a reality check.

The computer is so valuable when you are awake at anti-social hours. It is so good to find other people awake in chat rooms at any time of the day. More important, they are often fellow mental illness sufferers who truly understand.

It is interesting to write a blog on paper for a change. I think it is a new experience. I hope I have the patience to type it into blog space, when the the computer returns.

Walking through Jello, Molasses or Treacle (you choose)

2011-01-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

This is the only way of describing my sensation right now and on many nights recently. I say nights because it doesn't qualify as morning in my eyes. I tend to treat4am as my start of morning!! The effects of my seroquel seem to last 7-8 hours. I sleep typically 5-6 hours lately , less on the last two nights. It doesn't need a maths genius to work that there is a discrepancy. Generously, I have 2 hours awake when the meds affect is still there. This might be 4 hours lately. It wouldn't be too bad if the latent effect was sedation. If I was sedated, I might be able to get more sleep or stay happily in my bed. Instead, my brain is working perfectly and going at 100mph. Physically I feel like Iam walking thru a vat of Jello. I think Jello is a more universal metaphor than molasses or treacle. I wouldn't want to operate heavy machinery as warnings often say on medications. I could probably tackle a crossword quite happily. I just listened to over an hour of an audio book without any apparent impairment. It is a most curious state. I am not sure if the added herbal sleep aid helped last night or whether it extended the period of grogginess. I walk around as if I was drunk but my mind is as sharp as ever, if not sharper?

I have been awake over 3 hours and I expect the grogginess to wear off soon. The change was quite obvious yesterday.

Looking for classic rock songs on a mental illness theme

2011-01-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

I am compiling a list for the Planet Rock show, Listomania. What do you think ?? Remember it is primarily a classic tock station...

Asylum Supertramp
I am Going Slightly Mad Queen
Manic Depression Hendrix
Lithium Nirvana
Crazy Train Ozzie
Crazy Gnarls Barkley
Mad Season Matchbox 20
Breakin the Habit Linkin Park
Adam’s Song Bling 182
My Body is a Fire Arcade Fire
Acute Schizophrenia Paranoia Blues Kinks
Climbing Up The Walls Radiohead
Fall to Pieces Velvet Revolver
I’m Deranged David Bowie
Looney Tune Alice Cooper
Paranoid Black Sabbath
Psycho Killer Talking Heads
Rehab Amy Winehouse
Shine on You Crazy Diamond Pink Floyd
Unwell Matchbox 20

Please comment with other suggestions for consideration. Thanks. Clive...

Delusional? Possibly but I don't think so..

2011-01-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

I have experienced several manic episodes over the years. I have had several periods of hypomania, where productivity increases for a while. The effects usually wear off or I drift into full blown mania. I have tried to learn from each experience, never taking anything for granted and never accepting that it can't be improved. Each mania was less severe than previous ones. Each hypomania was less severe than the previous ones. I wrote my first book in a state of hypomania. That started almost 2 years ago to the day. My life seems to have gone full circle. My mental state was valuable in my writing. While I felt in control, I was definitely in a state of hypomania and riding sort of tsunami. I was awake from 2 until 4am every day and most of the writing took place in that period. I was also blogging prolifically. It is 2 am as I write this!!

I woke up on January 5th feeling "normal" for the first time in months. "normal" is not a concept I understand, but it might be what I would like as my "normal". I seem to have woken from a waking nightmare of anxiety and worry. This may sound dramatic but I believe it. These past three weeks have been peppered with problems, sleep problems, hyper activity and a tendency to do too much for too long. It never felt like it was hypomania while it shared many of the traits. The edginess, the dashing around with no time to lose, the clear thinking and the feeling that there is no time to lose. My sleep has remained constant, even though it has been somewhat chaotic at times. I have gotten over tired at times due to doing too much.

I get to doubt my improved mood when I am very tired. This doubt has faded as I learnt that the mood dip was caused by tiredness. Once I accepted this, I have gone from strength to strength. The stream of negative thoughts has diminished to a trickle. They now come and go as the positive thoughts used to. I feel really calm and really at ease with myself. I was dreading the rest of my life when the New Year came. I can no longer see what that was all about. I can't see why I struggled to get out of bed every day, why I wanted to go back to bed as soon as possible, in short why I was an anxious mess.

Christmas came and went. I made the most of it but soon returned to my isolated existence and to my comfort zone. I cancelled a concert visit in May of 2010, a trip I had planned much earlier when I was more "normal". I was looking forward to my first concert in ages. The anxiety prevented me going and I was sad about that. I wasn't anxious about any aspect of doing it. I was just anxious. This is hard to explain to people, the same people who say "What are you depressed about?". They just don't get it and probably will never get it unless they suffer themselves.

I am reluctant to express these feelings. It might well sound like delusions of grandeur. Nothing could be further from the truth. Given my previous M.O. , I would have been long gone by now on a flight of fancy to somewhere a long way away. I am no longer nervous of having a passport and available funds. If I felt any danger of a problem, I would place my passport in safe keeping. I am thinking of travel in a way that anyone else would think about their next vacation. Last year I was terrified by the thought of travelling alone. I am amazed by the range of mood variations. It is not surprising that others are frightened by them. They are incredulous to me some times.

I feel great. I am nothing like the "Clive" that long term friends and family have experienced. That is too bad. I can't do the same thing to myself that lithium may have done for so long. I have to be who I am meant to be not the largely messed up Clive described in my autobiography. If people can't go with me, it is unfortunate but unavoidable. I have held myself back all my life because of everyone's expectations which became my expectations. It has taken me until near to my 61st birthday but I was always a slow learner, a late bloomer. Fortunately, my weight loss has given me the physical health to match my mental well being.

What next? Who knows? I am going to work hard on maintaining a sense of self. I am going to work on the second book I promised ages ago. I have found my focus. I know what I want to write and I know why.

I Need Your Contributions

2011-01-22T09:15:00.000-08:00

Hello all. Thanks for reading this. I hope you get to read some of my blog posts. I have no angle apart from working for mental health and telling how it really is.

I wrote my biography My Life as a Mood Swinger in 2009. I started writing it almost 2 years ago in a slight hypomanic state. Patience was not top quality and I published by paying Xlibris. The book was published in 2 1/2 months from starting writing. I owe a lot to the on-line support from friends at the time, especially on Twitter.

I wanted to write a second book but the muse never struck me and I have suffered a lot of anxiety which pretty well wrote of 2010. My mood picked up magically on January 5th. I have found my focus at last. My book is provisionally called:
"Thoughts of a Mood Swinger - with a little help from his friends"
It will be a true compilation with contribution from myself, my friends and other mental health survivors. The scope is quite broad, mental health themes with a particular emphasis on coping skills, wellness and recovery. I will try to include a section on what it really means to be seriously ill. There will also be a section with manic anecdotes. I have posted threads in forums and the response has been enthusiastic and they hopefully will lighten the mood of the book.

I am asking for contributions. Stories, poems, W.H.Y ? It will all be anonymous unless you particularly want to be named. I will do any editing with help from friends, but it will be with a light touch, not to change the feeling of the work. Please send any contributions or questions to clivewild@hotmail.com . Please send any ideas, suggestions or offers of help. I would like someone to look after the Facebook page "Mental health Stories". This will be the focal point of the project. Let me know if you want to be a friend on Facebook : http://www.facebook.com/CliveWildEdwards .

Thanks for reading this. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,
Clive

The Frustration of Feeling Better

2011-01-20T23:50:00.000-08:00

The really frustrating thing about battling up mood swings and feeling better. It seems such a change that even your friends and family back off. That's the very thing you don't need and the danger is you isolate more, either isolate or go off the rails. This has never been so clear to me. It is no wonder isolation and loneliness are such big problems for those with Bipolar Disorder. Even doctors back off to some extent. Thanks for listening !

Feeling very good .. is it real?

2011-01-19T05:27:00.000-08:00

This is one of the continued frustrations of someone who suffers mood swings. What is normal? Is my mood a function of brain chemistry, be it elation, depression, anxiety or plain old blah-ness. I find myself doubting my moods and I start wondering if it will last. Will it change back as fast as it became that way. This can happen over night for no particular reason. Mood swings, as in Bipolar Disorder, are not about something. This is a common misconception of the layman. They will say "What are you worried about?” or something equally meaningless to the sufferer. I guess friends and family mean well, but they probably won't get it. It is my goal to explain this issue in a way that outsider can understand. It's not like clinical depression. The symptoms are similar but the Bipolar person is rarely depressed about something when suffering a bipolar depression. The things that someone is depressed about may be a trigger of mood swings, but it is just a trigger. The mechanism of the mood swing is down to brain chemistry.

I became so good at controlling upwards mood swings that I was in danger of suppressing natural joy. This might a price that has to be paid but it is not good for the sufferer.

Recently my whole mood and outlook changed over night. I have no clue why it happened except that I had called the crisis team on the day before. I suspect that it made me realise that I was on my own. Subconsciously, I might have processed it over night. I'll never know, but I'll take it with both hands.

Since the epiphany, I have been a bit out of sorts. I have had a lot of the characteristics of hypomania. I dash about from task to task, as if there is no time to lose. I think it is a common characteristic of most manias. At least that is my experience. I have pushed myself hard all day from waking at 2am to 4am. Straight on to the computer, getting coffee, and really buzzing. It is on and on and on, without a break. It was as though it would fall apart if I took a break. I have been chatting in excess of 15 hours a day and I have been awake much longer, 19 hours on one occasion. It is not surprising that I have been getting exhausted by early evening. My appetite has increased significantly. I feel like I need to constantly refuel myself. Thanks to my slimming world experience, I am making mostly good food choices. Monday was a slight blip. I went to the store on a mission to treat myself. I came back loaded with pizzas, bagels, croissants, bread rolls and some deli cooked meats. I went way over the top. I did freeze most of the stuff and I haven't been over indulging. I really enjoyed the half pepperoni pizza for lunch. I couldn't resist eating the rest cold in the evening. It was just one bad day and I drew a line under it.

Yesterday I tried to get ready for slimming world by cutting back on food. I think my need for fuel wasn't met and I crashed prematurely in the late afternoon. I had to cancel my plans to go to group. I laid down for a couple of hours in the early evening. I salvaged the rest of the evening and managed to stay up until about 10:30. I committed in the chat room not to go in next day until 6am. I did this by having a lie in after I woke up. I was a bit restless but I made it. I entered chat at 6:01am.

I have been pacing myself today. The day is going a lot better. If I find myself going fast, I try to rein it back a little. I left the chat room deliberately to take a break from the intensity.

I feel really good. People might say it is delusion. I have suffered from bouts of mania and hypomania. While similar, it is also very different. I am sleeping fairly normally and that doesn't happen in the manias. It feels like I have the good side of a hypomania. I get stuff done. I think clearly. Washing up rarely stays around for more than 5 minutes. I have been cooking at 100 mph. I have been doing most things at 100 mph. Each time I have suffered a mania, I have gained more insight. Each time I have handled it better. This might be the final result of that process. I certainly hope so. I would like to think I can maintain something of this state.

I hope I am not deluding myself. I have 27 years experience of being bipolar and I think that counts for something. I have a very good support system on-line and my friends will tell me off if I seem out of control. It is good that many of my recent friends have only known me like this. Preconceptions are not helpful when supporting a bipolar sufferer. Friends and family need to recognise the vast swings that can happen in personality. They need to go with the flow if possible. I don't claim that it is easy. I sometimes feel that other sufferers are the only ones who truly understand. Even psychiatrists react to the manic persona.

The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive..

2011-01-15T23:33:00.000-08:00

I am not talking about the depression , the anxiety or even the mania. Maybe I am talking about the hypomania? I think it is possible to achieve a state that stays below that edgy and jerky feeling of hypomania. It's sometimes productive, but sleep suffers and you are not fully in control.

You may think me delusional but I have honestly not gone that far in any of my manic experiences. I am in a state of happiness, not elation of hypomania, a really nice relaxed place. It is true I have been a bit edgy, my sleep is a bit off, my appetite is higher. I find myself smiling a lot, even at 2-8am in the night. That is the secret life I am talking about. Those night time hours when no one can hear you scream.

All I can say is, "thank goodness for the internet, email, chat rooms and all that". I don't know how I would have coped in the past, even 15 years ago. I am thankful for my IPOD and a good set of headphones. I can keep myself entertained without upsetting the neighbours. This is a good secret life and it it can be nurtured with a little attention to coping skills. I just try to keep my mood from drifting into hypomania. I no longer see mania has a real threat. I have found lots of insight through the school of hard knocks.

I am in a good place. It is unfortunate that it happens mostly in the hours of darkness. I am not sure even my good online friends understand where I am. they might ask "Are you sure your okay?" At least there is little chance of a visit from the men in white coats, the MH police. I hardly exist in the eyes of the MH system. I see my psychiatrist on infrequent occasions and that is worthwhile. I have called the crisis team on rare occasions, most recently on Jan 4th, 2011. My mood picked up on the 5th. No rhyme or reason. I suspect it was the fact that the crisis team offered nothing of note. I just woke up next day as a different person.

I wouldn't go as far as saying I was normal. I am not sure I ever was "normal", whatever that is. if normal is what I was most of my life, I don't ever want it again. I want to to retain my current "happy" state. My sleep pattern is a bit odd right now, but I am sleeping, maybe 4-6 hours. I started getting tired early in the evening and turned in early quite often. This led to early waking (2-3am) and long waking nights. I have blogged about this in the past and I find it the biggest challenge.

In depression or anxiety, you can usually just plod along in a zombie-like state. In full-blown mania you can be away with the fairies. While this is not good, you can be impervious to any problems. My current state, or even hypomania, is a big challenge. I still think pretty clearly and need to keep busy, entertained, fed etc etc. I find that blasting music loudly in the IPOD helps. In depressed or anxious moods, I cannot even play the radio, and sometimes not the TV. I have recently found that I can handle audio books when reading wouldn't be an option.

I hope I am not rambling on. I will stop now in case I do.

Life is good. I found a really supportive chat room that I go to a lot. I have found someone who might be able to produce an audio copy of my first book. I have sent pdf's of the book to several friends and I await their feedback. I have found my focus for the follow up book and I have a working title. I am blogging again and engaging with people.

Thanks for reading this. I hope it is thought provoking? Please comment or send feedback by email, thru facebook or W.H.Y?

An open note to doctor, a review of 2010 and whatever

2011-01-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

How it’s been:

I sometimes lose touch with how I have been, especially if my mood has recently picked up. I wanted to write a bit so I get across what I need.

2010 was not my best year. It was punctuated by long periods of anxiety. Anxiety usually starts in the morning. It sometimes clears by the evening but not always. I start off by not wanting to get out of bed. Once I get up, I struggle to get coffee and breakfast. I rigidly structure my days and that seems to help. I have a list of key things which I check off every day. Meds, etc, etc. It seems excessive but it helps.

I postpone a lot of stuff and worst still, I cancel anything that I can. I have become more and more reclusive. I manage to make appointments but they can be cancelled if I am not well. My “to do” list builds up and up, adding more stress.

The most frustrating thing about 2010 was the cancellation of a trip to a concert in Birmingham. I had booked it a while back and even arranged a hotel room for the night. My anxiety was particularly bad. Right up to the morning, I was trying to get there. I finally missed it. It wasn’t a money thing but I did lose over a £100 that I couldn’t afford.

I did manage to get away on my holiday to Lanzarote in October, but that was in the balance up to the last few days. It went off well and I need not have worried. That is not the point about worry and anxiety. It is never logical.

I didn’t leave the house much in 2010. I even cancelled several of my monthly trips to the support group. I usually make that. The good thing was that I made my weight loss group every week up to reaching target in October. I made that a priority and that kept me going. I think I would have been a real mess if I hadn’t had the focus on my weight loss.

I did get away for two night’s at Christmas. It was ok but I was not very comfortable. I was out of comfort zone and I returned home on Boxing Day. I avoided three social opportunities, one with family and two with friends. I was not up to it. The week before New Year was typically down. New Years Day was a “lost day”. I think I only emerged to eat.

The anxiety hit a real low point on January 4th. I called the crisis team. I don’t think they were very helpful and more or less said “What do you expect us to do?” They were not the exact words. They committed to call my doctor and talked about possible day services helping. The short chat helped. I suspect that it told me I was “on my own”. Next morning, I woke up in a kinder mood. I took the opportunity to work on my coping strategies. My mood improved and it has remained good ever since. I found a very supportive on-line environment on the Wednesday and also found an email pen pal who had responded to my blog. The nine days since have been my best in many months, if not years.

Before the day of improvement, I was gung ho to find new medication. I was convinced that quetiapine was the cause of my issues. I still think it leaves me open to much of the anxiety. The new 100 mg dosage usually gives me 7 hours sleep, but I did wake at 2-3 am on a couple of mornings this week. My mood bordered on hypomania but I felt happy that I was sleeping. I never crossed the line but I had that familiar jerky thing where I dash around, especially in the morning. My appetite has been normal.

This week has been particularly busy. It was a test but I felt up to it. I have made all appointments and I even got to the weight loss group. I have been to support group, dentist, slimming world and my psychiatrist. I have torn into my "to do" list and kept on top of things. I have read some of an audio book, watched a new music DVD and 4 episodes of a TV program on DVD. My life is as it should be, except that I need to find outside activities that involve people.

I want to be considered for a meds change because I don’t like quetiapine. Its initial attractiveness was due to the sleep I was getting. It is too strong a medication for that purpose. My moods seem to be very stable. I do think some day services might help to get me back into life and to get me out and about. The crisis team is helpful but there is a big gap between psychiatrist visits and losing it. I am on my own, my own support system, and I can’t always do it. If I am not able to call for help, I am lost. I was turned down for a CPN after I re-applied. I hope to return to the resource café but it is only a band aid.

Crisis, what crisis?

2011-01-04T04:38:00.000-08:00

I sometimes feel vulnerable. I have always felt well enough to look after my own affairs. Medication gave me some stability. 4 monthly or 6 monthly visits to the psychiatrist were enough. I no longer had a CPN (community psychiatrist nurse) because I was "too well". The CPN gives more personal support between visits to the doctor.

I have been struggling lately, for most of the previous year if I am honest. My only recourse was to call the crisis team and I did this earlier today. They were helpful but couldn't help directly. They would talk to my doctor who I see next week. Crisis suggests a major emergency, comparable to calling the emergency number for a physical problem. I need help to set up a support system. Some people do not have close friends or close family, at least no one they would call in an emergency. My only recourse seems to be the crisis team.

There should be a recommended course of action. Crisis suggests that you need immediate help, for example when you are a danger to yourself or others. Going through the motions until you see a doctor is sometimes not enough. I am scared that I might struggle so badly that I cannot call for help.

I am in the UK. I am sure it is different in the US and other countries.

My weight loss journey

2010-11-15T03:57:00.000-08:00

My weight has fluctuated for the last 30 years. I remember reaching 17 stone in my early thirties. This led me to diet and I lost about 3 stone. I don’t think I ever thought about maintaining my new weight. I made no attempts to change my eating habits. It was pure luck that kept my weight fairly stable for a few years. I didn’t pile on the pounds. It just crept up on me over the years. It was mainly due to a sedentary occupation and general lack of activity. I have not been able to work much in the last ten years and this is when my weight began to increase. I first noticed the problem when I was pushing 19 stone. I joined a gym and dieted again. I lost about one stone. I stopped going to the gym and my bad eating habits returned. I had soon gone past 19 stone and approached 20 stone. This raised major flags because I had never been 20 stone in my life. This was late in 2007. I still thought I was okay.

In September of 2007, I went on an “activity” holiday to Club La Santa in Lanzarote. I was quite active and I enjoyed the holiday. In reality, this experience started the downward slide that led me to joining Slimming World. I think it was a combination of doing too much for my fitness level and the four hour return flight wedged in an airplane seat. The following 18 months was marked by a series of physical problems. My lower body was giving up. I had pains and discomfort in my legs, and it would shift from location to location. At the worst point, I remember that I could not get myself into or out of the bed. I ended up sleeping in my recliner on some occasions. In hindsight, I was slow in getting help. I tried the conventional approach at my GP surgery. This gave no relief. I finally found a good chiropractor and massage therapist. They managed to get me moving again, but I was still weighing in at about 20 stones.

By April of 2009, I realized that I had to do something. It was more due to the physical problems than the weight itself. I think I was still in denial about the weight. Fortunately my neighbour, Carol, was attending a Slimming World group in Claverdon. She invited me to go along with her to the group. I went along on 28th April, 2009 and began my food optimising journey. I weighed in at 20 stone 6.5 pounds. I lost weight from the first week and I was soon convinced that it worked. I am very good at following instructions and that is why I found the plan so good. I found a focus that surprised me. By early in August I had lost about 2 stone. The group was several miles from home and I wouldn’t be able to get there without a lift. Sarah Langford was starting a new group in Warwick at the Cricket Club. It was somewhere that I could walk to and I could also get some extra Body magic at the same time. Carol and I decided to try out the new group. We liked it immediately and decided to transfer.

Sarah’s new group went from strength to strength. It was eventually so successful that it split into two groups. I only missed one group session from early in August, 2009 until I reached my target on 5th October, 2010. On the week that I missed, I weighed in at another group locally. That was 62 consecutive weigh-ins. The Slimming World group became a very important part of my life, often my only social interaction in any week. I tried to get to group every week, no matter how I had felt during the day.

My PAT had been set some time ago at 14 stone. It became clear that it might be unrealistic and I adjusted it to 14 stone 6.5 pounds, for a total loss of 6 stone. This gave me the impetus to focus more and work hard for the target. Earlier in 2010, the group members were asked to set themselves a goal for the year. My goal was to reach my target before my holiday in October. I reached it with 9 days in hand and I was delighted. My holiday had been arranged to the same resort as I visited in September of 2007. It would be a celebration of my weight loss and a chance to be more active on the “activity” holiday. My main “before” photo had been taken in 2007 on one of the excursions. It would be a chance to repeat the excursion and get an excellent “after” photo at the same spot.

On the 2007 holiday, I was as active as could be considering my weight. I did some classes, swam a bit, played some social tennis and did some gym work. On the second visit I was far more involved. I added two sessions of social badminton, I did four 18Km sessions on the exercise bike, had a one to one golf lesson and practised what I had learnt. I had far more energy and got more out of the La Santa experience. I was pleased to find out that the same excursion was running. I managed to get my “after” photo in front of the El Golfo rock. In 2007, the walk down to the beach and back to the bus was quite an ordeal. This time it was a simple stroll. Before I joined Slimming World, I struggled after walking 10 minutes from my flat. I became breathless and my legs began to hurt. Recently, I have frequently walked for over an hour without any discomfort and I really enjoyed it.

My physical and mental healths are now so much better. I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder for almost 28 years. This basically means I am prone to mood swings even while taking medication. As I followed the plan and lost weight my mood swings became almost a thing of the past. Despite reaching 60 in February, I feel mentally and physically better than I have for many years. I have taken medication for high blood pressure and high cholesterol for over ten years. In 2008, my glucose intolerance shifted to Diabetes 2 and I started taking more medication. In my recent diabetes review, my blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar values were in the middle of the healthy ranges. I hope that it will be possible to reduce or even stop some medications at some point.

I take two medications for my Bipolar Disorder. One of them is Seroquel (Quetiapine) and it is notorious for causing weight gain. I have taken this medication for the full 18 months of food optimising and have lost weight steadily during this time.

I see reaching target as a beginning rather than a conclusion. I really think that food optimising has been the biggest factor in my continued weight loss. Despite my best intentions, I didn’t really increase my activity levels to any great extent. As I approached target, I hit a serious plateau. I fine tuned my diet as best I could and I also started to use my exercise bike. It had become something of a clothes rack. These efforts paid dividends and I soon reached my target. I see my biggest challenge as increasing my activity levels to help with my target maintenance. I see food optimising as my lifestyle choice from now onwards. I enjoy the food and I have never felt hungry. I followed the Green plan for most of the 18 months. I tried changing to Extra Easy completely but settled on 4 green days and 3 Extra Easy days each week. I have always tried to plan out a meal plan for the week between group meetings. I have also used the online food diary but now I only use it to check syn values. I have changed from being someone who lives on ready meals. I now eat mostly fresh food with plenty of fruit and vegetables. I cook more than I ever have and more than I ever thought I would.

I gave up on finding work three years ago. Now I am slimmer and a little fitter, I am actively seeking a voluntary position with a local company. I worked there on a job placement scheme when I was 6 stone heavier.

Thoughts on My Vacation / Holiday etc

2010-10-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

My previous holiday had been in September 2007 with Spice UK. I went to Club La Santa in Lanzarote (Canary Islands). I was very apprehensive before I went but I had a great two weeks. I got on well with the other people in the group. I determined that I would go back in the future.

I returned to Club La Santa with Spice on Oct 14th on the holiday which is now one week. I have been suffering from a lot of anxiety this year, most likely due to the medication that is supposed to help me. It does help me sleep. I was really doubting whether I should go to La Santa, right up to the day before the flight, maybe even up to the morning of the flight. Thanks to a chat with a friend, I made it. I met seven others at the airport and I was less apprehensive. I didn't really relax until we got to the resort. I had a bedroom to myself in a four-bed sports apartment. It was not huge but it was my own space. I chose to go single occupancy because my sleep pattern can be a bit strange. The other three bedrooms had another single guy and two couples. We all got on very well. By the morning after arrival, I had already met 12 of the 24 others in the group. I knew the coordinator from my last visit, so that made 13. I met the others over the week. There was only one person from the previous holiday but it didn't matter. Everyone got on well and had a great week. Some were very sporty and did lots of stuff. Others, like me, did what they could. By the end of the week, I was more relaxed than I have been in years, probably since I was there last time.

I learned one big lesson. Even though I have been isolated for a long time, I can still get on well with people "face to face". I thought I had turned into someone who only relates to people electronically. It has been a shock coming back to an empty (cold) flat. I am not so lonely now. I am keen not to slip into such isolation again. I am sending off an application form for voluntary work. I spent 6 weeks at the same company on a work placement, so I am quite hopeful. I also need to find some other activities where I meet people. My slimming group has been a life saver over the last 19 months. I will continue to go when I can even though I have reached my target weight.

Not pushed my book in a while...

2010-07-25T08:23:00.000-07:00

I am sorry to advertise my own book but no one else will do it. I wrote my autobiography, mostly as it relates to bipolar disorder. I am not going to make any money out of it, in fact it has cost me a lot. Being bipolar, that goes with the territory.

It is called "My Life as a Mood Swinger", written under the name Clive Wild. It was published by Xlibris in April 2009 and is available from Amazon or other good on-line retailers. I have a very limited number of signed copies if you have Paypal. Let me know at clivewild@hotmail.com .

Regards,
Clive

Being Bipolar Part VII–Road to Recovery(Wellness)

2010-06-30T07:04:00.001-07:00

This part of my blog has been a long time coming. Probably because I have not been well. Now I have sorted my meds, I feel able to tackle the subject.

I added wellness to the heading because some people, including me, think that recovery implies that you are cured. That is not true in Bipolar Disorder and other life long mental illnesses. I think wellness is a much better goal.

What does wellness mean to me? I guess it means being able to carry on reasonably meaningful life despite having a mental illness. It is one thing to be able to do it. It is another thing to actually do meaningful things. I find myself able to do stuff most of the time. I have isolated myself so much that I don’t actually do it. Until I get over this inability to do things, I think my wellness has a good way to go. Staying home all the time is not most people’s idea of wellness. Feeling able is just the start.

I have lost the desire and maybe the ability to socialize. I would like to have good friends, the sort of people that you meet for coffee, go for a walk with, or maybe even play golf with. I feel like I am out of circulation, separate to the real world. I hear people talk about their lives and wonder why my life is no longer like that.

Wellness must come in various stages. Being happy with your meds regime and good coping skills are only the first step. I feel like I have achieved the first step and then become stuck, Where I should see a bright future, I just see a void. This makes me worry and threatens the wellbeing I have achieved. I have always had a lot of hope. This is threatened when I realize I am stuck.

I need to do things but I really have no idea what they are. I am not ready for senior clubs, playing bingo and dominoes. I don’t feel comfortable any more in resource cafes or drop-in centers. I am a baby boomer. Most of my fellow boomers are still working and have real lives. I can’t relate to most others of my age group. I don’t have much in common.

I guess my true wellness relies on me solving this problem. I need to build or rebuild some sort of life. “I used to have a life” doesn’t really help. I wrote about my story in an autobiography. I now need to write the next chapter, which seemed likely when I finished the book. I can’t have such a good life as before but I should be able to find something meaningful and satisfying.

Wellness is the ability to have a meaningful life without working. Retired people seem to manage it, but they usually have made good provisions for retirement. I call myself retired but that is a euphemism for losing the ability to get a job.

Being Bipolar Part Six – Hope

2010-03-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

Hope is something that is very important to me personally. I sometimes wonder where it comes from. It seems to be more of a state of mind for me. I retain hope when all seems black at some levels. I don’t know if I am alone in this experience. Logically, I would think that hope comes from a real expectation that things will get better. I seem to stay hopeful even when things may seem hopeless. I think that hope has kept me going through adversity, through the times when I have had to start my life over.

I don’t have a really strong idea of the future. If I did have any idea, I could possibly understand why I retain hope. It is that spark which helps you to get through each day, each week and the rest of your life. I may not understand it but I am very grateful that I have hope.

It doesn’t have much to do with the verb “to hope”. That is a more practical thing. “I hope it goes well” or “I hope you feel better soon”. The noun “hope” is so much more. Hopefulness and hopelessness are also more practical concepts.

Hope is such a difficult thing to write about. It is an extremely personal thing. I know from talking to friends that I am not alone in my experience of hope. Please post your comments and your views on hope. I like that my blog entries generate some discussion. I hope you found this blog thought provoking. I hope I don’t burn my bacon next time !!

Clive

Being Bipolar Part Five – Acceptance

2010-03-17T00:38:00.000-07:00

I think that acceptance is key to wellness and recovery. In the first place, it leads to the search for a diagnosis. I actively looked for a diagnosis despite being quite ill at the time. I suppose I was more interested in getting help than getting a label. Some people who I talk to really worry about being called bipolar or whatever their diagnosis happens to be. A label doesn’t define you. Hopefully it will help you to get appropriate help. I really encourage new sufferers to seek help. It is far better if you are in control at this point. It is far better than being thrown into hospital, medicated and then diagnosed. I had a very good “stable” period after I was diagnosed and found good treatment. I was lucky to find a doctor who knew the subject well and I kept a relationship with him for about fifteen years. The stability of this relationship was key to my wellness. I was lucky to find a doctor who was around that long.

Those of us with a serious mental illness have it for the long term, maybe for life. Unless we accept that we are ill, we are destined for a lot of chaos in our lives. Acceptance of the illness (diagnosis) is only the first step. Many of the medication regimes have their own problems. We are often tempted to try going free, especially after a period of stability or particularly troublesome side effects. In my case, it took two attempts and the ensuing chaos to convince me that I really need the medication. Life is not always smooth and sometimes taking medication becomes a lower priority. Even though my first attempt at stopping Lithium led to a major manic episode, I tried again 4 years later when my life was particularly chaotic. I can’t honestly say whether I could have avoided either bad experience. Possibly it would have required strong intervention from family or a doctor. Unfortunately the idea of seeing doctors was a long way from my mind. The second stopping of Lithium suddenly led to a less severe but equally disruptive and painful manic episode. This time it led to a severe period of depression, unemployment, and a suicide attempt. Only stop medications gradually and do it with the agreement of a doctor.

I encourage all sufferers to accept that they are ill, that they need help and that they should keep medication compliant. If I had followed my own advice, I would be in a very different place, mentally and maybe physically. I might have missed out on a lot of good stuff, so it is a difficult call. I might be still living by the beach in Southern California and still pursuing a meaningful career. I am content in my life now but I can’t help saying “What if?” . I do still accept that I have a life long disorder and I need medication. I am as well as I have been for ages, both mentally and physically.

Being Bipolar Part Four – Stigma

2010-03-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

What is stigma? It is a subject with many aspects. Let me start off with a description from the UK mental health charity, Rethink.

“Stigma is something judged by others as a sign of disgrace and something that sets a person apart from others.
When something like mental illness, disability or addiction, is stigmatised, the issue will often be avoided due to making people feel uncomfortable. People may even mock these things to make them less threatening.

For those living with mental illness, the stigma imposed upon them in society can lead to a lack of funding for services and public education, difficulty in finding employment, or in getting a mortgage, or even holiday insurance.

Ultimately, the silence and lack of understanding about mental illness encourages feelings of shame, and discourages people to seek treatment or even to admit that symptoms they may be experiencing may be related to a mental illness.”

I guess my delay in blogging about stigma means that I don't have much to add on the subject. I do care about stigma and I try to combat it.

There is plenty of work going on to combat stigma. As a rule, more exposure in the media can help. That is as long as it is informed. Unfortunately, every negative story about mental health tends to increase stigma. It must be good if the general population are better informed about what mental illness is and about how common it is.

I think that mental health sufferers can get very isolated by their illness and this contributes to a different kind of stigma. They set themselves apart and are vulnerable to stereotyping.

Please feel free to add comments and describe your views of stigma.

Thanks,
Clive

Being Bipolar Part Three – Day to Day Living

2010-02-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

As I come to this subject, I wonder if I haven’t bitten off too much. I wonder if it is too vague. I keep saying that there should be more written about the mundane day to day experiences of being bipolar or maybe the experiences of having any long term mental illness. I only have experience of Bipolar Disorder but I am sure there are similar struggles or even worse struggles with illnesses such as schizophrenia.

I have asked myself what my life would be like if I wasn’t Bipolar. It is very hard to know because my experience spans almost 28 years. If I am honest, I was suffering symptoms way before that. I have effectively been bipolar for ever, at least as long as I remember. I think that there maybe too much emphasis is placed on first symptoms and diagnosis. First symptoms only come to light when they are severe enough to require treatment. In my case, it was a long journey to diagnosis from the first severe symptoms, in my case a manic episode.

I am trying to write about how it is to be a “stable” bipolar sufferer. I know this term is not generally liked. It is liked as much as “normal”. I talk about “stable” as living with good self management skills and medication that takes away the extreme symptoms. It may mean you can pursue a career but more likely it means you can get on with your life with limited intervention. I know some sufferers will continue to have episodes of depression or mania.

Being Bipolar means that you have to live with a regime of medication and psychiatric support. My psychiatric support is four-monthly appointments with a psychiatrist. Most times I could manage without but it is probably best not too drop off the radar completely. My GP handles prescriptions of psychiatric meds but they only do what the psychiatrist tells them. Even though I take meds every bedtime and every morning, I still sometimes forget. Things happen to distract you I guess. The best laid plans sometimes fail. Prescriptions in my case are monthly. This means I have to order my new month’s supply at the appropriate time. Here again I have a system. It works well but I can still occasionally forget and leave it a little late.

We sometimes do travel like “normal” people, although some people suggest that we shouldn’t travel. We might have a manic episode and do something illegal (I am joking!). If we do travel, we have the additional stress of making sure we have enough meds. We might have to arrange to get a new month’s supply early. Stress is the last thing that bipolar sufferers need and travelling becomes difficult. There is also the issue of pre-conditions on travel insurance. Most vanilla insurances would probably exclude treatment for bipolar disorder. There are specialist companies that offer insurance for people with long term illnesses. I’m sure it is normally more expensive. Charities like MDF help with such matters.

Very few bipolar sufferers continue a meaningful career. As in my case, the illness eventually gets the better of you and you end up on disability. Eventually you might leave a job or several jobs, sometimes with no warning. The result is that your resume or CV is trashed. It doesn’t need a brain surgeon to realize that you have problems. It probably wouldn’t matter that you hadn’t declared your illness. Whether or not you declare your illness on job applications is another major stress for bipolar sufferers. This dilemma also applies to other life situations. Do you declare your illness to new people or groups that you encounter in life? I have tried to be particularly open about my illness but I sometimes wonder what the cost is. I am beginning to think that I should be more selective in who I tell. We are in danger of stigmatizing ourselves if we are totally open. I will try to address stigma in a future part of this blog.

I have talked about social isolation. A lot of bipolar people live in isolation and tend to isolate them self even more. This leads to extreme loneliness. Even the best of friends will back off. No one wants to socialize with a crazy person. Maybe I am generalising too much. My social diary is not exactly overflowing with activities. I admit that it is very much due to the fact that I don’t reach out myself. Maybe fear of rejection or agoraphobia. Sufferers do lose a lot of friends or at best they become acquaintances. They become tired of apologising or trying to mend bridges. I constantly try to work out why I am so reluctant to leave the safety of my small flat. I don’t think I suffer from agoraphobia. I am not talking about major socialisation, just the odd person coming round for coffee or meeting you in town for coffee. The only people who might drop in at my flat are fellow sufferers. I “never” drop in at anyone else’s place. My slimming world meetings are my only social outlet. I also meet other sufferers at mental health related meetings or events.

For me personally, the worse thing about day to day living with bipolar is the uncertainty of how you will wake up each morning. Before this is the uncertainty of how you will sleep. Will you sleep 6 hours or 12 hours? Will you have weird and maybe lucid dreams due to the medication? Will you be able to carry out the plans you have made for the upcoming day? It is very tempting not to make plans because you may not be able to make it on the day. You might worry as I did about making it to your own birthday party. How do you explain that you are not up to it and your friends should carry on without you? Do you invite other sufferers to such occasions, even if you doubt whether they will make it? You might be stigmatising them either way.

Apart from the trouble of waking up in a difficult mood, there is sometimes the thing called rapid mood swings, where your mood can switch suddenly several times in a day for no apparent reason. Even worse is the mixed state, where you can experience up and down moods at the same time. You might start a day quite well and suddenly be unable to function. The reverse can happen when you start a day down and suddenly be fine for no reason. The danger here is that you make plans based on the morning mood. The afternoon mood maybe better or worse but you have already made the plans. It makes you seem very unreliable.

A lot of time is spent on self management, keeping well if you like. When any kind of extreme mood is experienced, we do our best to handle it. It is relatively easy to handle the upswings if you can spot them in the first place. I think that having years of experience gives you the insight to spot and handle the swings. This is best done at the early hypomania stage. When you hit full blown mania, you have pretty well lost control and you are away with the fairies. Depression or depressive episodes are notoriously hard to handle. Everything can seem so hopeless and it is hard to carry out a plan. I have not suffered much from depression and I can’t say whether insight improves. I can’t say if it gets any easier to handle. I defer to others who suffer more depression.

Being Bipolar Part Two – Social Isolation

2010-02-19T02:33:00.000-08:00

Social Isolation is probably one of the worst things about living as a “stable” Bipolar sufferer. I am talking about someone whose meds do the job and they have good self management skills. They just want to get on with their life. It is well known that most bipolars will not return to their chosen career. Most of them will find it hard to get any employment. I know this from my own situation. I feel like I was on the scrap heap at 57.

The bottom line is that many bipolars have a lot of time on their hands. Some find meaningful volunteering opportunities. Some have access to resource cafes or drop-in centres. Some spend their time on social networking sites. Some will write or blog. Most activities seem to be ways of killing time.

My perspective is as someone who lives alone. I sometimes go for several days without seeing another person. Sometimes the only person I see is the supermarket checkout lady. I am socially isolated. I can’t blame this on the illness but it certainly reinforces it. I value my weekly Slimming World group. I try hard to make it every week because it one “normal” activity in my life. I was never good at socialisation, even in the years before I was labelled as bipolar. When I was married, it was not so much of a problem. That smacks of codependancy. I have been separated for about 10 years and I am back to living alone. I always relied on my workplaces for my socialisation. In the last ten years, I have hardly worked.

I tend to isolate myself. I am not sure whether it is connected with being bipolar. There might be a subconscious desire not to make new friends. The illness has cost me so many friendships. I got tired of explaining and apologising. It might seem convenient to avoid building new relationships.

I don’t reach out to friends. I don’t even reach out to on-line friends who I have never met face-to-face. That is something I have to work on. I seem to have acquaintances rather than friends. I see a friend as someone you meet occasionally, maybe for a pint or a coffee. A friend will come round to visit, call on the phone or join you for a restaurant meal. I have lots of “friends” on Facebook or Twitter. I would class most of them as acquaintances. 99% of them are too far away for socialising. I have rarely had friends as I described. It doesn’t help that I have an apparent phobia about using the phone. Don’t get me wrong. I like people and I like to be with them. It is possible that my social isolation is more to do with my personal character than it is do with being bipolar. Bipolar just adds a few more challenges to the task.

I would like to hear about other people’s perspective on social isolation. I know it is a big issue for Bipolars. My experience might be different because of my background and life experiences.

I always struggle when I am asked “What do you Like to Do?”. People will suggest that I join a club or something. Maybe I am boring, but I am rarely interested in what is on offer. I am very good at finding excuses not to do certain things. I am so focussed on my weight loss that I avoid activities that involve eating or drinking. That cuts out a lot of social activities. I am in touch with a walking group. I have never gone with them. I have plenty of excuses. The first and valid excuse was that they walk too far. That was true but maybe not any more. I would need a lift to get to most walks. I hate relying on lifts. They usually eat in a pub after the walks. I have so many possible excuses in my head. It is not surprising I haven’t been yet. They do have social activities apart from the walking.

I always like to be open about my illness. I am realizing that it not always the best policy when joining in “normal” activities. Maybe I find it uncomfortable to explain why I don’t work. I tell myself that I have retired early. It was not really by choice and I feel uncomfortable with it. It might be easier now I am sixty and holding Senior Railcard !!

I know that I have to get out more. Making friends might happen from that. I have to use my free bus pass for fun rather than attending appointments. I can now get reduced rail fares. I can swim for free once I get a card. I have started to keep a weekly schedule and I have bought a desk diary. They are helping a lot. I now need to schedule some fun stuff and stick to it.

I guess that I saying that my social isolation was always there. Being Bipolar has added to the mix and created some more challenges. I think I have rambled on enough for one blog.

Being Bipolar Part One

2010-02-18T05:42:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I haven't blogged much lately. I started blogging just over a year ago. I had the possible advantage of being slightly hypomanic at the time. In my book, I chronicled my life as affected by being Bipolar. I talked more about the extreme behaviour. Whenever I hear a sufferer talking about bipolar, they are always encouraged to describe the more extreme behaviours because it sexier somehow. Maybe it might sell more newspapers or magazines, or maybe get more listeners and viewers. I think it is more important to talk about the day to day struggle of sufferers, the search for hope, the search for wellness, stability and recovery. Recovery is the Holy Grail of the Mental Health system. Why does no one talk about it? Recovery is good for sufferers and reduces the burden on Health Services. Doctors seem to focus on stability but it is rare for anyone to monitor the road to recovery. You can't just stamp someone as "stable" and let them wander off into society. They will have issues such as getting back to work (if they are very lucky), combatting social isolation and living with the stigma of being mentally ill. Services such as resource cafes or drop-in centres are encouraged to offer a temporary place to go. There are few, if any, places to go once they are more "stable". I hope to talk more about the struggles of "stable" sufferers and my personal struggle to recovery.

Weekends

2009-11-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

Weekends do not mean much to me. I haven't worked for so long that the concept is foreign to me. People ask what I have planned for the weekend or they say Have a great weekend. My weeks are not structured enough to make weekends special. Maybe I am just a grumpy old man. Weekends are special if you are busy all week. Maybe I should be busier in the week. I think a lot of lonely people find weekends difficult. Everyone else sems to be doing stuff. It just reminds you of your lack of friends, lack of a life or just plain loneliness. Most people seem to wish the week to go faster, so they can get to the weekend. I tend to wish the weekends would go faster so I can reach the week. That is despite having few plans for the week.

I don't know why I feel different about weekends. After all, a day is just a day. I am aware of the weekend because neighbours are around in the day and doing their weekend things. It brings it home that I do even less on the weekend.

I have no idea what I am trying to say here. I guess I am depressed and lonely for a lot of the time and it can be worse at the weekend. If you have any comments, I would appreciate them. Even if you just tell me to pull myself together or get a life !! I have always struggled for most of my adult life, even when I was married. I have been trying to work out what getting a life actually means. I do not make friends easily and since I suffered from bipolar disorder, I have been very good at losing friends.

Where I am now

2009-10-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

My book ended on a positive note. I still feel quite positive but I now realise that I was more hopeful than confident. The truth is that I am still struggling. I need to make a plan for the future and make things happen. They don’t seem to happen by themselves.

I have to get a life, whatever that means. I have joked about it online but there is a serious aspect to it. My life was always intrinsically linked to my work. As long as I pursued my career in IT, I had friends and I was quite contented. The problems started when I couldn’t work or I couldn’t find work. The further I moved from my career, It became impossible to go back. My career had changed and I had become something of a dinosaur. I was fine as long as I was in a job. I could adapt in the job and embrace new technologies. I was no longer qualified for the jobs that were advertised. No one wanted to hire someone and retrain them. They didn’t need to because younger people had more relevant skills. There was a major change in IT in the 80’s to 90’s, a move from Mainframe based systems to more PC based systems. There were still mainframes but they worked more on autopilot and didn’t need the fine tuning that was my specialisation. It is somewhat sad that someone with 27 years IT experience became almost unemployable.

I eventually accepted that my IT career was over. What next? I struggled to find something that would utilise my skill set. The answer always seemed to come back to some sort of Admin work. One problem was that most admin jobs had many applicants. Many of these applicants were younger and far more qualified. No amount of tweaking of my CV/Resume could convince employers to interview me. As time went on, my CV/Resume was so fragmented. It would be clear that I had problems, whatever spin I could put on the various gaps. When I was interviewed, the job would go to someone more qualified, that’s if they even bothered to let me know. There are rules about discrimination but they didn’t need give age or mental illness as a reason. They could simply say someone else was more qualified. The government wants to give more access to jobs for the mentally ill or older person. The only real way I can see is for them (or other public sector concerns) to employ them directly. This would only be a token effort but it might set an example. Another way would be set serious incentives as with the car scrappage scheme. Sort of a people scrappage scheme!

To cut a long and miserable story short, I became increasingly unemployable and stressed out by fruitless job hunting. Everyone cares about people who are laid off from jobs. The government sets up schemes to find them new jobs. Meanwhile, the old and mentally ill are on the scrap heap of life. The government sets up schemes and makes great plans in white papers. They are sure to keep reminding us that there is no money for this innovation. At the same time, they insinuate that people on incapacity benefit are shirkers and unwilling to work. The truth is that there are few jobs and they are not for the disadvantaged.

The benefits that the mentally ill receive are a lifeline. They don’t provide the lifestyle enjoyed by some benefits recipients. They are just about kept out of poverty. The government and the opposition want to re-classify those who want to work as unemployed. This further stigmatises and reduces what meagre income is received. Being unemployed makes no difference to a person’s ability to get a job. In my experience, the employer is not aware of whether the applicant is on benefits or not.

I seem to have drifted off subject, whatever that was? The conclusion is that finding work (or not) was causing me more stress than was worthwhile. In 2007, I effectively called myself retired. I am not in any of the government’s statistics. I am probably one of a very small minority who live on their savings. This is only possible because my mom passed away and left me with some money. I am left to run my own life, including budgeting and financial planning. Not many bipolar folk would be able to do this or even want to. One of the common symptoms of mania is the reckless handling of money. After being ill for so long, I trust myself with money. There is not much of an option. My only help comes from 4 monthly psychiatrist appointments and my GP who keeps me supplied with mind dulling medication.

I am increasingly thinking that a lot of manic problems are caused by an underused mind. In many cases, drugs like lithium are just wet blankets that dull everything. A chemical straight jacket of sorts. I am glad to say I have been off lithium for 5 months (with the help of my doctor). Apart from a recent adjustment to my other meds, the dropping of lithium has been a successful experience.

That’s where I am. Watch this space and I will try to look forward. Maybe I will get a life or something approximating one.

The transient nature of moods

2009-09-27T05:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Just been thinking about mood swings and how they are not based in reality. Here are my thoughts.

Unfortunately, I don’t seem to inspire myself. I give the impression of being “together” and quite motivated. Nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe it is my Bipolar Disorder but I can get false moods, both positive and negative. Moods based on mood swings can be very fragile, in my experience. I am very good at over thinking and killing a good mood. Equally I can think myself into a good mood but this is somewhat more rare.

I am not happy with my situation in reality. If my mood starts to dip, I start to dwell more on reality and this reinforces my down mood and brings in anxiety. I wish my moods were more in tune with the reality of my life. It is sometimes nice to feel good for no real reason but it can be very wearing. Feeling bad for no reason is much more destructive. Despite being largely stable, I think I live with these ongoing effects of Bipolar Disorder.

It makes it very hard to stay in touch with reality. I need to make changes in my life or maybe I need to get a life. When I feel irrationally happy, I don’t feel like I need to do anything. I just float through life. If I feel irrationally down, I am too busy worrying to do anything about my life. I don’t seem to have any middle ground which might be considered “normal”. I think the concept of normality is alien to Bipolar sufferers. I don’t know how other sufferers feel about this. I am just thinking out loud.

I am convinced that this inability to be “normal” makes counselling very difficult, at least in my experience. It also affects my dealings with doctors. If I feel good, I lose touch with my issues. If I feel down, I just can’t be bothered.

Gary who? Thoughts about Gary McKinnon's Plight

2009-08-08T04:54:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of activity on Twitter regarding the case of Gary McKinnon. He has been getting a lot of support although I was strongly attacked by one Twit who clearly thought that Gary should rot in hell. I guess it takes all sorts. I don't support Gary's cause blindly. I didn't know much about the case when it first came to my attention. I took the opportunity to talk to his mother on Twitter and did some research of my own. I managed to find a TV interview with Gary. It was clear that Gary was a very intelligent man with an obsession with finding the truth about UFO's. He approached this problem by hacking to the Pentagon and NASA computers. I sensed no malice in Gary's motives. He just seemed misguided. He seemed to be aware that he had done wrong. It was clear to me that it was a result of a mental impairment and obsessive thinking.

As a long term sufferer from Bipolar Disorder, I recognise that my behaviour at times has been irrational. If I had the skill to hack into computers, it wouldn't have been surprising if I followed the same path as Gary. In my periods of mania, I may have lacked the obsessive component but I would do things that I would never do when well. I believe strongly that Gary needs good medical help and not a military show trial in the USA. The Americans should look to their very inadequate security systems and not look for a mentally impaired scapegoat. I think everyone agrees that Gary should receive some punishment but it should take account of his Asperger's Syndrome. He needs help rather than being treated as a criminal.

I am not an expert on the case, especially the extradition situation. I gather that there is a one way system in place. If an American was hacking into UK systems, they wouldn't be extradited to the UK. That is my understanding of the situation. I would think the American military would have more important things on their plate, small things like Afghanistan and Iraq.

There is a Free Gary slogan being displayed on Twitter a lot. I think most supporters think that Gary should not be extradited to the US and he should be handled by UK courts in a sympathetic way. The only reason this extradition situation exists was the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks. The US are taking advantage of this situation. Gary is clearly not a terrorist. The US should work on their security in case real "terrorists" hack into their systems. They might hire Gary as a counter-hacking consultant.

I ask everyone to support the cause of stopping extradition and having Gary tried in UK courts. A lot of UK politicians haven't got the guts to stand up and be counted. They would rather defer to anything that the US wants. Hopefully President Obama will step in and end this farce.

UK Family History - An offer of help

2009-08-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

I have done a lot of work on my family tree over the last few years. I have got back to the early 1800's for many legs of my family. I have built up a lot of tools and some extra knowledge as I have gone along. I am happy to help anyone with their UK family history. I can get you started on building up a tree. All I would need are details of relatives who were alive in 1911 or better those alive in 1901. Full names and birth dates or birth years and birthplaces where you know them. The more you know the better. I am available to work back through the census data as far as the earliest in 1841. Please email me at clivewild@hotmail.com with Family History in the Subject. I am particularly thinking of UK people but I might be able to work on UK history of non-UK residents. I can't offer a full research service but I can get you started on your family history.
Clive

Back to reality....with a bump

2009-07-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

I often say that I don't suffer from the depressions as much as the manias. I am not sure that is true. I think I am often in denial just to preserve my sanity. I think my frequent periods of extreme loneliness are really periods of depression. I have been feeling generally quite positive in recent months. Unfortunately it has no basis in reality. I have always been a hopeful person and this has got me through hard times. I am now settling down to look at my future. I may have have made personal progress but I am still reclusive and isolated. I always relied on others to make me better, as in my friends and my wives. I think it is called codependency. I always struggled with socialisation for much of my life. I managed fairly well as long as I was working, but now I find it hard to make friends and I struggle to keep them. I am a bit of a loner but I do enjoy the company of others. I don't seem to spend time with people and I rarely get the chance to eat out or do other stuff any more.

My new non-profit project - a compilation

2009-07-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

I am posting the flyer for my new project in the hope that some readers might want to contribute.

BipolarStories Book Project

I am putting together a compilation of stories and poems with a view to publishing a book. Proceeds will go to a mental health charity or charities, to be decided by the group. I am asking for contributions primarily from mental health sufferers. The subject is open but I reserve the right to decide on appropriateness. Contributions from non-sufferers should be on a mental health theme. I am also encouraging contributions from groups such as day centers, support groups or resource cafes.

I will be doing some proof reading and editing. Other group members have volunteered to do some as well. I will be responsible for gathering the contributions. They should preferably be in Microsoft Word format to save conversion later. I can accept small amounts of work on paper if someone has the time to transcribe them.

The main focus of the group is the Facebook group BipolarStories. Don’t be put off by the title. It is not just about Bipolar Disorder. If you are on Facebook and are not already a group member, I encourage you to join the group. Also add CliveWild as a friend if I am not already your friend. If you are not on Facebook, I encourage you to join if only to access the group. I think that groups are the main selling points of Facebook. You will meet a lot of like-minded people on the group. There are about 70 members as I write this.

The group has several advantages:

1) Discussion boards related to the project.
2) Ability to message all members about important news.
3) A news section that I add to.
4) Somewhere to post images.
5) A section of links to other useful sites.
6) A wall to post messages to the group.

If you can’t join the group, please send me your email addy of preference to clivewild@hotmail.com with subject including BipolarStories. I will maintain a list of emails and inform everyone of important news.

Apart from contributions, I would like to hear from people with skills in proofreading, editing, artwork, cartoons, cheap self publishing etc. This is a low cost project. I put a lot into my first book. This is very much a voluntary effort. I am trying to give a voice to the otherwise unheard.

I will be contributing a chapter that is based around some of my favourite blogs from February and March.

Please get in touch if you haven’t already. If you have no computer access, please ask someone else to contact me for you.

Regards, Clive Edwards (Clive Wild)

I Can't Save the World - Alone

2009-07-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I try to help everyone. Maybe I try to save everyone. I have always tried to do this and I used to absorb everyone's pain. This made me ill. I manage to avoid getting so involved now. I find it hard not to try to help someone if they trust me with their problems. I always tried to analyze their problems because I have an anlytical mind. I have helped people over the years and I am proud of that. I did it at the expense of my own well being. It is not healthy to absorb so much negativity. It did not affect me in a conscious way but all that stuff had to go some where. I did this while suffering from bipolar disorder and it amazes me that I wasn't pushed over the edge on occasions.

I still like to help people when they confide in me. I am flattered that people find me trustworthy and I can't turn people away. I no longer put my well being on the line. I have to stay well.

I want to cooperate more with people. I have started a project to produce a compilation of stories/poems about mental health. I hope to work with others as contributors or as helpers in the process. I did everything for my book and the publisher just put out what I sent to them. I hope to find people with experience of cheaper self publishing. I visualise a team of people working towards a goal. I have talked to many people who are writing or who want to write. Writing can be therapeutic and I want to encourage people to contribute to this project. It can be anonymous if they like. I just want the people who think they are not heard to have a voice.

I will always want to save people. I accept now that I haven't got the experience to help everyone. We all have certain skills and I hope we can help each other. Anyone is welcome. You can contribute or you may have skills we can use.

I encourage anyone who reads this to get involved. You don't have to be a sufferer. You don't even have to know someone who suffers. You just need to care. I see this is a big way to combat the stigma of mental health. Stories or poems can be about any aspect of mental health, how it affects you, how it affects your friend or family member or how you feel as an outsider. Sufferers are not often seen as people who can achieve. I want to redress the balance.

Email me at clivee777@hotmail.com if you think you can help. If you send me an email address , i will invite you to join the google group BipolarStories. Here we can exchange ideas and post files. I will edit the book with help of anyone who has the right skills. Please volunteer if you have experience of an inexpensive publishing process.

Regards, Clive

The Ultimate "Am I Bipolar?" List

2009-07-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

If you find this list annoying, you may be Bipolar.

If you are a homicidal maniac, you may be Bipolar.

If you found it hard to sleep last night, you may be Bipolar.

If someone really made you angry today, you may be Bipolar.

If you are breathing, you may be Bipolar.

If you are left-handed, you may be Bipolar.

If you act a bit odd sometimes, you may be Bipolar.

If you are not always yourself, you may be Bipolar.

If you are a famous celebrity, you are almost certainly Bipolar.

If you think this list is going on too long, you are probably right.

If you think this is amusing, there is some hope for you, Bipolar or not.

The Seeds of Bipolar

2009-06-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to dwell on my past. It fascinates me why I became bipolar and I am curious when the seeds were planted. I read something about Bipolar Disorder having “significant neurobiological and genetic components” and “a basis in psychological, social, and biological roots”. This was posted in a blog that talked about the 9 Myths of Bipolar Disorder. Please excuse my small amount of paraphrasing. The Myth in question was that Bipolar Disorder is a medical disease, just like diabetes.

We come back to the old discussion about nurture vs nature. The nature component is not simply how we were born. The genetic component of Bipolar Disorder suggests that we might be susceptible to becoming bipolar later in life. My feeling is that this is not hard written. The psychological and social effects combine with the susceptibility to make people highly susceptible. I am not an academic, especially in these matters. I am just looking back at my life and trying to make some sense of it. I have been unable to verify that there was a genetic component in my family. I do have suspicions that I haven’t managed to confirm. People have passed away, especially the ones who may have been able to help.

For the sake of my analysis, I will assume that I was susceptible to Bipolar Disorder by virtue of genetic influences. My feelings about my early years confirm this possibility. I cannot access my feelings as a pre-school youngster. I don’t think anyone is alive who could shed light on this period. I only have early photos to tell me what sort of youngster I was. I like to assume that I started with a clean slate and I was moulded by my social situation.

I look reasonably happy in early pictures. I had good friendships with local children but I can’t think back to how I actually felt. I can tell by photos when I moved to grammar school that I had become a very sad individual. I am not sure why this had happened. My earlier school days had been happy as far as I knew. I had some good friends and I don’t have any bad memories. My home life was normal. My family moved from a prefabricated house to a modern house when I was about 8 years old. This moved me away from a lot of my friends. We didn’t move far but we moved to middle class. My father was making great strides in his career with Fords. We had a Ford Eight car and went off on holidays.

It was good to live in the new house with a large garden. It was good because my friends and I had a good neighbourhood to explore. Most of the area was still covered in fields. I think I became a quiet and shy youth when I moved to the Grammar School. It possibly began in the later years in my previous school. I am at a loss to work out why. Going to Grammar school was another separation from my friends. We were still friends but my friend, Paul, was the only one who came to the same school. I think being bussed to school was a big problem. I never met most of my school friends outside school, at least until many years later. Most of the pupils were bussed in from a catchment area around the school.

Grammar school was not good for me. The alternative might well have been worse. The school had no soul. With the odd exception, teachers matched the school. It was a new school and I was one of the first intake to go through a full seven years. The school never seem to find its personality. Every year my school reports said that I was reticent. I don't remember anyone making any attempt to help me. I guess my parents read the reports but they did not register. I was definitely not going to ask for help. After all, I would hardly say boo to a goose. That was encouraged at home. I was a very sad youth and I became a real underachiever. I had talents in some subjects but it rarely showed in my exam results.

I joined a group of other underachievers and the die was set. We were the crowd who never joined in, whether it be social activity or sport. It wasn't done. I managed somehow to get good enough exam results to get to a university of my choice.

The only bright moments in my seven years came by virtue of one enlightened teacher. Jim Hardy. He was one of the younger teachers and he arranged some extracurricular activities. One of these was a trip to see the Beach Boys in Birmingham. This was my first concert and I really enjoyed the outing. It was so out of the mormal humdrum existence. I always had an interest in pop music but seeing a live band was so much better. In my later life, good music was one thing that I enjoyed and I was lucky enough to experience a lot of it. By some good fortune, I was present at several great concerts, including the Who Live at Leeds and The Rolling Stones in Hyde Park. A certain friend of mine is very jealous because he wasn't quite born by this time.

My three years at Leeds University were an oasis in a very dull first thirty years. I didn't know how special Leeds was as an entertainments venue. I think the guy who made it happen was there at the same time as me and my friends. We were so lucky to experience so much good contemporary music. I guess my new found love of the blues matched my personality.

I stayed in touch with many of my friends from Leeds, at least until my bipolar disorder became a problem in later years. Friendships were dented, I hope not without a chance to mend them. I am ever the optimist. My twenties were quite miserable generally but the holidays I spent with my Leeds friends were definite high points.

I feel like I am rambling, as is my tendancy. I managed to pursue an IT career despite a thoroughly miserable home life. I remember my home life was getting gradually worse despite having good jobs and buying my first house. I think I was a prime case for getting bipolar disorder. It just didn't appear until a suitable trigger came along. If I am honest, I had some depressions that might have been a precursor. I would always pull myself together for work on a Monday. I don't think anyone was any the wiser.

Some photos of me in the late 70's to early 80's show me as a thoroughly miserable person. I always remained hopeful and this characterised much of my life. Hope and an amazing resilience. I started a blog post and I am in danger of writing a book. I just had to get it off my chest.

This was going to be chapter one of a second book. I think I have to put my history where it belongs, in the past. I have written a book and I have had two articles in local papers. I think it is time to work for mental health and not dwell on it.

Clive

9 Myths of Bipolar Disorder (Comment on Psych Central)

2009-06-14T05:57:00.000-07:00

I appreciate someone’s effort in compiling these 9 myths. It might be good for discussion at a dinner party. I have been bipolar for 27 years at least. I agree that I am not crazy but I admit to acting crazy on occasions. I may not be on medication for the rest of my life but not many doctors would support me in stopping. I would need to be in a controlled environment. I stopped my meds twice with disastrous consequences. I never stopped because of feeling better. It was because of side effects or because my life was in turmoil. I certainly hope that something I have taken explains my weight ballooning. I would have like some examples of Atypical antipsychotoics. Finally, the tenth myth is that anyone knows a damn thing about Bipolar Disorder.

When a book is not a book (humor)

2009-06-12T01:45:00.000-07:00

I always knew that my book didn't match up to the books in bookstores that are sold by the inch of thickness. As an infrequent reader, the huge tomes scare the hell out of me. They might look good on a coffee table but there is no way I could read one. Bipolar always made it hard for me to concentrate on my reading.

Two of my best friends called my book a pamphlet when they first saw it. I hope they were joking. They both bought one and at least one of them enjoyed it. Someone pointed out the problem of being a short book with an inappropriate price. This was due to my choosing to publish in full colour with photos. This led to an inflated retail price set by the publisher. The real problem was that I bought books based on that inflated price. I was forced to sell at a price that exceeded the final price set by Amazon UK. For a reason unknown to me, the price on Amazon US is still the retail price, twice the UK price. I guess there is a reason.

If my book is not a book, then what is it? It is certainly not a booklet or a pamphlet. They are often free. Maybe it could be a bookling or have you any suggestions? It is listed on Amazon under books so it must be a book. If it were sold in bookstores, It might be lost among the celebrity biography tomes. I have never read one, so I don't know how they fill so many pages. Maybe they use a very large font? I know celebs have fascinating lives but can they be so interesting. Dead celebs sell more books than me. How bad is that?

Do you have to be a celeb to sell books? It certainly ensures they get on TV or radio to promote their latest book. I have to find some way to become a z list celebrity. Maybe my feature in a local newspaper will grab some attention.

I promise that my second book will have a lot more words. I have to start studying a dictionary so I know a few more big words. My first book was a work of passion. I had to get it out of my head. It probably wouldn't have come out if I hadn't ridden the waves of hypomania and lived with little sleep for weeks. My book was written and published within a two and a half month period. That must be some sort of record. The book is probably so short because I was desperate to finish it. It may lack detail in places and I am happy to fill in the gaps if anyone has questions. Luckily I found a publisher, Xlibris, who went along at my breakneck speed. When I heard they had shiped my 100 books, I started sleeping on the next night. I have slept pretty well ever since. That's about two months.

Never mind the quantity, feel the quality. I don't waste many words. I think I tell my story concisely. I doubt whether I was aware of the cost implications as I wrote the book. It came out naturally at 72 pages, a perfect size for a colour book with photographs. A book of twice the size would have retailed at $70.

Book, booklet or pamphlet, it is worth £14 of anyone's money. I put my heart and soul into it and that must be worth a lot.

Regards, Clive

Update on book launch and promotion

2009-06-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

Firstly, an apology. In an earlier blog post, I suggested that I was getting no responses to my personal attempts to approach the media. This week I received two nice emails from Rethink, the UK mental health charity. They apologised for the late response to my email. Their timing fitted in well with the official book launch. I sent a copy of the book as requested.

The first day of the book launch generated a further 6 requests for book copies. Lesley Singleton of LS Media Ltd has done far more than I could ever have done myself. She is handling all contacts from potential media leads. I have sent out the requested book copies and I hope that they generate further interest.

The press release can be seen on Response Source at:
http://www.responsesource.com/releases/rel_display.php?relid=48145

Thanks for all the kind messages of support.

Clive

Family, friends and phobia of making phone calls.

2009-05-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

I worry a lot about friendships that have gone by the wayside. I always made online friends easier than real world friends. Then again, cyberspace might be called my "real" world. The manic episodes that I suffered were few but they damaged friendships each time. I sometimes tried to apologise and explain myself but it was futile. I have made a number of friendships over the years and none of them are in good shape. It is a form of personal stigma. No one wants to deal with a "mad" person.

Like many things in my life, I do not set myself too many goals, for fear of disappointment and the resultant anxiety. I have calmed my anxiety by never expecting too much of myself and others. I think that I avoid going out much to avoid difficult situations. I will not make real world friends if I carry on that approach.

I always thought I had a small family. This was true in terms of close family. Since my mom died two years ago, I have my brother and his wife. I hardly see cousins at all. My brother and his wife seem not to be interested in my illness or the book I have written. I find this incredibly sad. I have found numerous cousins through my genealogy efforts. Without my brother and his wife, I would have no close family. They say you don't choose your family but you choose your friends. That is so true. In a way, I have to let go of any hopes of a relationship that will never exist. I don't have much in common with my brother and my sister-in-law. Things like this will hold me in the past but it is hard to move on. My story has gone a long way to free me from the past.

I think bipolars tend to get on better with new friends, those they met after the illness, even if they are fully aware of the history. I hope in time to be able to meet new people without mentioning my mental health. I hope I can be enlightened enough to make it a non-issue. I may work for bipolar and mental health but it will not define me.

I sometimes think that being bipolar makes me too intense as a person. I seem to talk about mental health issues to the exclusion of anything else. This is because my life doesn't have much else. I think I have to work on this. My attempts to lose weight and get fitter are giving me a new direction. Working on my diet and attending Slimming World have been good for me. My fridge is a wonder to behold. I am almost domesticated and making a lot of my own food. I feel a lot better for the healthier food and I have lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks of the program. My analytical mind is well suited to following a regimented program.. I still have trouble knowing what to eat on any particular day.

I do have a phobia of making phone calls or initiating messenger conversations. Once I start, I am fine. I found this a problem when I had to make a series of cold calls as part of my job. I usually managed it but I was not comfortable. I rely on friends to call me and that is not fair. If I force myself to do it, I don't have a genuine reason for calling. I do care about everyone but I don't always show it. I enjoy emails and I get my message across quite well. I enjoy online chats on a one to one basis. I seem to have the ability to make people feel better. I don't have the ability to engage fully and be their friend.

I have a lot to work on. My press release for the book will hopefully generate some interest in me and the book. I'll talk to anyone but I just don't get much practise. I have to be prepared to talk to anyone on whatever medium. I have that confidence now but the proof is in the doing.

I am sorry if I rambled a bit as I am inclined to do.

Take Care,
Clive

My New Web Site is up and Running

2009-05-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

Dear all,

My new website is now up and running. It is functional as a web store and it also contains copies of my blogs from blogger. A section with useful links will be added soon. At the moment, my book will be sold by myself. If you buy with paypal, I will receive the order in an email, whether paid by paypal or an eCheque. Please take a look at the web site and sign the guest book. The colour scheme is very much in line with the colours of my book's cover.

http://clivewild.webs.com

Please suggest links that would be of general interest and I will consider them. I plan to put in links to my MDF support group, the MDF national web site, my Facebook group, and my blogger page.

Thanks,
Clive

My New web site..... coming soon

2009-05-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

My friend Lee wrote the piece for appendix I of my book. That was the perspective of a loved one of a bipolar sufferer. She kindly offered to build a web site for me. I was too much of a dinosaur to tackle it myself. She is doing a fine job and it is already looking good. She has set up a very good front page. She has also copied most of my blogs from here. I will be continuing to blog here and I hope to copy the blogs across occasionally. There is a web store where anyone will be able to order my book from me. Eventually it will change to a link to Amazon. The store gives the option to pay by paypal. As I said, it still a work in progress. Please take a look and sign the guest book. I would appreciate any feedback.
http://clivewild.webs.com
I will be setting up a set of links to other useful sites. I am open to suggestions of possible links that would be of general interest.

Please DO NOT USE the web store yet. It has not been fully tested and I cannot guarantee its full working.
Regards,
Clive

Another setback for Stigma

2009-05-05T23:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't watched much TV news in recent weeks. Now I know why. In reporting the stabbing of a pregnant woman, the perpetrator was called one of the "Mentally Ill". How dare they group a "psycho" in with the thousands of us who struggle with a mental illness. He may be in the same system, supported by the same doctors, but he is clearly a psycho. If someone is in clear danger of killing people if they skip medication, they should be locked away permanently or until they cease to be a danger.

Grouping me and the thousands of non-violent mentally ill people together with this kind of person will set back the anti-stigma cause every time. My bipolar illness makes me no more likely to be violent than anyone else. In my experience of meeting other bipolars, there is less chance than in the general population. In fact, there is more chance of the bipolar person commiting suicide.

Is it not possible that the psycho type person is diagnosed because of their aberrant behaviour? They are only defined as mentally ill because of their tendancy to attack and kill people. We all know that diagnosis of mental illness is not an exact science. It is very much based on matching an illness to the way the patient presents. If someone has a tendency to attack people, they must be schitzophrenic. The system relies on the patient to take their medication in order to avoid being a homicidal maniac. How stupid is that?

Maybe the Mental Health trust has been dragged through the coals and they have apologised to the families of the murdered lady. The media outlets should apologise to the majority of the "Mentally Ill" who are peace loving citizens who are trying to malke it through life. So many people are working hard to defeat stigma. One news report can set back the cause so much.

I hope you find this blog thought provoking and challenging. Many of us willl see through the new story but what about Joe Public? He might see the "Mentally Ill" as a threat. Before you know it, we will all be locked up.

Clive

The Joy of Sleep

2009-05-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,
I apologise for my lack of posts in recent weeks. I have been concentrating on getting my sleep back on track. It has happened at last. It seemed to coincide with the news that my supply of books had shipped from Pennsylvania. I don't think it was a coincidence. I hope to receive the books tomorrow or Wednesday. Then I begin on the effort of signing books and shipping to various points of the compass.

It is amazing how much better I feel after a few nights of good sleep. I don't wake up as grumpy as I have been. I enjoy some morning coffee rather than needing a few cups to get myself moving. I don't fade away in the early evenings like I have been for some time. It is so satisfying to wake up after the birds, maybe even waking up as it gets light. I can't stress enough how hard it is to wake up in the dark hours for many weeks. I feel very fortunate that I have avoided the terrible downside after a long period of hypomania. I think this is really quite unusual.

I have embarked on healthier eating, having joined Slimming World last Tuesday. I am very happy with it so far. I was kidding myself that my diet was pretty good. I have learnt in a week that I was deluding myself. I think that my changes in diet will translate into some good weight loss.

Clive

Getting heard by various organisations

2009-04-21T00:22:00.000-07:00

My book is now published. I really need a supply of books before I can seriously promote it. I hope they will arive in a couple of weeks. I have found several organisations that will accept a copy for their review.

I have been contacting various organisations, TV stations, radio stations, magazines and mental health charities. I have yet to get anything except for a polite automatic reply.

I am upset to see any old celeb pushing their latest book on every tv programme that is going. The stigma associated with my bipolar disorder seems to stretch to the very people who claim to be anti-stigma. I am not very experienced in self promotion or marketing. I don't know much about press releases or such matters. I have dabbled in Facebook adverts and I have used Twitter to announce my book.

The most frustrating aspect is that I can't relate sales to my efforts. My publisher doesn't record sales on my web page until they fulfill the orders. My Facebook advert is yielding clicks but I really have no idea how it translates to sales if any. I must assume that getting clicks is good news. Each click takes the person to my bookstore entry. I have made an effort to ensure the book summary is quite readable and informative.

I would like to appeal to anyone who can guide me through this maze. Do you have any direct contacts within any organisations? I am not driven by sales numbers and I would be delighted to cover my costs. I am just keen that my story and my message are read by as many people as possible. I believe my book has a unique perspective on Bipolar Disorder.

Thanks,
Clive

My Book Finally Arrives

2009-04-16T02:50:00.000-07:00

My first book, “My Life as a Mood Swinger” is now available on the Xlibris bookstore website.

http://bit.ly/Ef56T

If you are in the USA, you can order directly from Xlibris for $41.99. The higher price is due to it being a full colour book with almost 40 supporting photos. If you are in the UK, I plan to sell the books myself at a good discount. I have yet to price my copies because of the unknown postage costs. The cost will be lower than retail by a good amount.

I hope to have a supply of books in my hands by the end of May at the latest. There will be a delay in printing and then the shipping time to the UK. Once I have some books, I can explore the various shipping options. I may be able to offer a good price to the US, even after the postage back to the US.

My FaceBook group has more information on my book and associated details:

http://tinyurl.com/cvjhnf

My book is aimed at both bipolars and non-bipolars. I think it will especially help family, friends and interested others. I hope I put a human face on what is a very destructive illness. I don’t seek sympathy. I am hoping people will see me as a relatively normal and intelligent person who has been sidelined from society. I just hope to make a dent in the terrible stigma and debunk bipolar somewhat.

Enjoy the book,
Clive

The Bipolar Personality

2009-04-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

A lot has been written about the personality traits of Bipolar people. It usually deals with childhood and the transition to adulthood. I am more concerned with the personality of Bipolars on a day to day basis. I have been largely stable on medication for 24 years. I have only just begun to realize that I have bipolar characteristics all of the time.

On occasions, I can be highly energetic and positive. On other occasions I can be almost non-functional and in the worst of lethargy. I don't consider this to be mood swings. I am reacting to the stimuli which are either exciting or depressing. If I am feeling positive and I begin some interesting work, my energy levels lift and I work longer and faster. If I am feeling negative, everything seems hopeless. This happens more after a period of sleep deprevation. Even a poor night's sleep can leave me in a more positive state.

The worrying thing is that I believe the hopeles feelings even though I know it is a trick of the mind. The same can be true of depression. One day can be as black as it can be. Next morning, you might wake up wondering why you were depressed.

This came to my mind because of experience yesterday evening. I began to feel excrutiatingly lonely. I had not been in touch with many of my online friends and I still find it hard to reach out to friends. I reached such a miserbale state that I went to bed and pulled the covers over. That's what they call a duvet moment. I truly felt hopeless and miserable. I had four hours sleep and I woke up in a much better frame of mind.

I re-applied myself to getting more Twitter followers. I am hoping it will be one means of promoting my book. I talked to an online friend early in the week. He gave me a simple method of gaining followers. It just required time and application. I certainly had plenty of time on my hands. I followed his formula through this week and I have gained over 500 followers from a start point of 400. I have no idea whether this will help to promote my book, but it is worth a try.

I conclude that my bipolar personality can be good for me. It can equally be destructive and can lead to wallowing in despair. This is particularly difficult because I live alone and I have little contact with living breathing people. I know my online friends do both of these things but it is not quite the same.

I would be interested in anyones thoughts on this subject. Maybe we can find ways to alleviate the worst of the feelings. There must be a better solution than diving under the duvet.
Clive Wild (BipolarFella)

My Book

2009-03-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

I began a quest to write my life story in a book. It is not an autobiography. How can I compete with all the celebs who have someone writing for them? It is about my experiences as a bipolar person. I have covered my whole life for completeness in order to give some some sort of base line. I started writing just over two months ago. I have had the advantage of not sleeping a lot and of being hypomanic. It is likely that I wouldn't have written my story without the help of my hypomania. I was able to get through some difficult parts of my life.

The publisher that I chose has been marvellous. They are professional and very prompt. I received the first set of galleys (proofs) on Saturday. I didn't know what a galley was until recently. I have found about 15 more typos (my fault) and a couple of layout issues. I am not sure if it is possible to ever read though a manuscript and be totally happy. This time the typos were all very minor but I want the best product possible. Because it is self publishing, I have to settle on a very good final script. One round of corrections must suffice.

It is exciting to see my book coming together. I already have an ISBN number and the whole thing seems real. It is good to see the first layout of the book even though it is in a pdf file.

The publisher has done a good job in placing my 39 colour photos. It makes the book come in at 70 pages. My only concern is that the retail price is set by the number of pages. Being a full colour book, the price will be higher than that of a regular paperback. I have the option of buying copies at a good author discount. This may be my best avenue. I can try my hand at some marketing.

I am pleased that I have written my story. It has pushed me into the world of publishing and it has broadened my horizons. My years of IT experience come in very useful indirectly. After all, book production is now very much a computer application.

Making money was never a big factor for me in this endevour. I can now see there may be possiblities to make money as well as getting a good message out. My first objective is to cover my up front costs. That would be satisfying in itself.

I'm sure my blogs have been different to my book's writing. They have been largely written in a spontaneous and unplanned way. I am forcing myself at the moment and I am curious to see how it compares to previous blogging.

I was amazed to find that I had blogged almost 40 pages in the last two months. I seem to have opened up a valve that had been stuck closed for quite some time. I always thought that I had stuff to say but I was such a withdrawn person. I feel like myself for the first time and I am happy in my skin. That may sound strange but it's the way it is.

Regards,
BipolarFella

I Need to Ramble On..Led Zeppelin

2009-03-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks but I seems to have gotten off the hypomanic bus for the mean time. I do feel remarkably good after four and a half hours sleep. Yesterday, my book entered the design/production stages. That was quite satisfying. I look forward to the book appearing in print by about July.

I saw my consultant pdoc on Thursday. She wants me to stay on the low dose of lithium while I am still not sleeping well. I can live with that because it's only a tiny tablet. Different to the days when I took 4 x 400mg tablets. She also advised me not to do so much in the night when I wake early. That might be a hard one. She has also referred me to the physical therapy people at the the day hospital. That is a good thing. I just can't get a handle on my weight and I I need help getting a little bit fitter. It's good that I live quite close to the hospital and I can walk there. I await the first appointment.

There seems to be a surge of interest in matters bipolar on the interweb. I know of several new initiatives that are setting up websites. James Leard has set up bipolarblues, the subject of my last blog. Colin Spencer Wood is starting up something similar in a month or so. There are also a spate of groups on FaceBook with similar objectives. We have a powerful voice but I suggest that we don't spread ourselves to thin. We need one central vehicle for fighting the bipolar cause and that of fighting mental health stigma. Maybe someone could volunteer to set up one central website. I don't have the required skills but I know we have a lot of talented people in the bipolar community. I am curious how many bipolar folk and their loved ones are floating around in cyberspace. I seem to meet so many people on Twitter and Facebook.

I sense that there is a common will to really get on top of stigma. The way forward is to demonstrate that we can be contributing and talented members of society. We only hear negative stories about bipolar folk. This is not who we are. It doesn't define us. Society may not want us in the workplace, despite Government complaining that we don't work. It's time that the government realised how hard it is to get a job. Add to that mental health and age issues and it is nigh on impossible. I am a reasonably intelligent graduate with lots of IT experience and I can't get arrested. There is a huge pool of talent out there who won't work , who can't work or who aren't allowed to work. I tried very hard to find any kind of crappy admin job. It was bad enough trying for jobs that are paying a third of my previous salary. Having to grovel for them and not getting an interview most times made it worse. I am quite a modest person but I am worth three times most wipper snappers, regardless of being mentally ill and an old fogie.

If the government wants us back to work, do something about it. Making anti discrimination laws is absolutely futile. An employer doesn't have to employ you. They see your messed up employments history or see you are a bit too old for them. They do not not have to say why they excluded you. They just say they found someone more qualified. I don't know what the solution is. Positive discrimination is not a good thing and it is not generally popular. How about employing a complete workforce of the disadvantaged ? After all, the current workforce is made up of the advantaged in society.

I am really angry that I don't really exist in the government's eyes. I am not unemployed because I am forced to self fund myself. I don't qualify for any benefits. I have to run my life and manage my finances despite being bipolar and old in the tooth. I would like to bet that I manage my finances better than anyone who is younger and working. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I must say that I am well supported by my consultant and my GP's. I was refused a CPN on two occasions. I am living in the community with no real support. No one is keeping any eye me. I go for days without human contact and I have become increasingly isolated. I survive quite well now I have found an online community, many of whom are in similar situations.

I recently watched the dvd's of "Takin' over the Asylum". It was an excellent portrayal of life in a mental hospital. That is not necessarily the story of all bipolars. The character Fergus was a typical example. Stuck with a label of Schizophrenia, a very intelligent, clever and qualified man was refused admittance to society. He ended up commiting suicide out of frustration. It is no wonder the suicide rate among bipolars is very high.

I think I have rambled on enough for one night. I hope there was some sense in what I have written. It should hopefully make you think.

Bipolar Blues Community

2009-03-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

There is a new website in town. I encourage bipolar folk to support this new enterprise I have joined as bipolarfella. Please encourage your bipolar freinds to join as well. Let's build a good size community:

About BiPolar Blues
Aim to Combat Stigma, Misunderstanding, and Fear of Bipolar Mental Illness
BiPolar Blues is a social networking utility; it's main purpose is to provide a centralized, virtual meeting place for anyone dealing with manic depression. The ability to connect and collaborate on a global scale greatly increases ones chance of understanding the disorder and living a more balanced life. If you or a loved one were diagnosed with a Bipolar Disorder and want to learn from others experiences, then this site is for you.
Some of the topics to be discussed within the site include:
Bipolar Symptoms
Bipolar Treatment
Psychosis
Depression
Anxiety
Downfall Triggers
What helps individuals cope with Bipolar?
Bipolar and Children

http://www.bipolarblues.com

Active on Twitter as @bipolarblues

Thoughts on lithium and other stuff

2009-03-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

My story was never going to make a conventional book. I hope it portrays something of the bipolar mind and my sometimes chaotic life. In many respects, I am amazed that I came out of it in some sort of shape.

Before I started writing again, I was not suicidal but I had no view of the future. I didn't really care whether I woke up next day. I have written parts of my story in the past. I have inflicted it on unsuspecting friends by email on forums in various places. I never addressed the whole of my bipolar experience (at least the last 27 years). I never delved into the crevasses of my earlier years.

I had issues in spades. I knew that they were holding me back but I never found the right therapist. I find that my personality is such that I always present to professionals as up and positive. I can't access the hurt. Once I addressed my more recent issues, I felt a real inner peace come over me. The secrets of my first thirty years were holding me back. It is hard to imagine the effects of 27 years of lithium on top of that. Lithium may have kept me free of manias but did it suppress my ability to address the past?

I have no regrets. I can see that lithium has let me lead a full and mostly successful life. It is sad to say that I owe my current financial stability to my parents thrift and good planning. If my mom had not passed away in 2007, I would still be living on government handouts. I would
have been very unlikely to write my story, let alone publish it as a book. A little financial freedom and a reduction in lithium led to my writing.

I am not a writer but I have things to say, maybe things that I have wanted to say all my life. I rely on rewriting to produce something reasonably polished. I will never write flowery prose. It is the content that drives me. My mind seems to save up all sorts of stuff. I am now more able to transfer it to the computer. Thank God for spell check.

I am sure my writing is different when I am "inspired" from when I sit down to write without preconceptions. I am often writing without thought, simply transferring stuff from my brain. This reminds me of automatic writing. It is exciting and exhausting. It is usually more accurate and more insightful. This kind of writing leads me to thinking that it is connected to mild hypomania. I may have been in a heightened state for a couple of months. Alternatively, I might have been in a suppressed state for most of the past 59 years.

Most psychiatric medications come with side effects. Most are bearable. If you read the blurb that comes with medications, you would soon become paranoid. There is nothing subtle about treatment of mental illnesses. Most meds were discovered by chance after they were developed for another disease. Ironically the other illnesses do not share the stigma attached to mental health. Not many meds were designed for purpose.

Why are we as a people so scared of mental illness? Is it the fear induced as the news people delight in connecting a murder to Schitzophrenia? When did you last see the headline " Cancer sufferer murders young lady" or "Diabetic shoots up school" ? We are constantly given suggestions that mentally ill people are a danger to society. Is it not possible that their very illnesses stem from their inherent violent makeup. I have not seen any stats on the backgrounds of all violent criminals. I am sure that only a small percentage have a mental health problem.

We are right to worry about un-treated violent schizophrenics wandering the streets. We shouldn't translate this to a fear of anyone who has a mental illness. I have no remote connection to a schitzophrenic who gets life in prison for a grizzly murder. I have been in the "system" for many years and I have never met anyone who showed signs of violence.

Please can we start to treat the mentally ill amongst us with respect and dignity. It is bad enough living with a lifelong illness with out friends, family and society treating you like outcasts.
We used to treat the mentally ill with no respect in the early twentieth century. Have we come far from that? The asylums look better but how have we improved?

Back to the blog coal face

2009-03-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

Two whole days without a blog. I have been concentrating on finishing my book materials and I plan to pass everything to my publisher this week. I am definitely going to do it ! I have also been trying to chill more and trying to take the edge off the tendency to mania. I have been reaching a point where it is just my personality. I have no idea what my personality is any more.

My scheme where I go to bed later is working. I am waking with the birds rather than way before them. The sun comes up quite soon after I wake up and have breakfast. Now my story is soon to be in the hands of the publisher, I might be inspired to blog more.

I see my chiropractor and massage therapist on Wednesday. They have done wonders for me in the last nine months. This time last year, I was a physical wreck and I could hardly get around my flat. On Thursday, I see my psychiatrist. I brought forward my appointment because of recent sleep problems. As usual the symptoms have subsided while I await the appointment. That is often the way.

I hope to finally get off lithium this week. I don't think my dosage can be reduced any more. Falling below the therapeutic level of lithium has really changed my life. I noticed it as long ago as November as my dosage was reduced. My friends always said how lithium dulled your brain. I was never convinced until my dosage was reduced in a controlled way. I led a reasonable life in the first ten years of lithium but maybe it could have been better.

I am now buzzing with creativity. I have never experienced anything like it. I have written 34 pages of blogs in the months of February and March. Most of it was written in the wee small hours and some of it even makes sense.

I need to concentrate on the physical issues for a while. My weight creeps up gradually. I feel and look really fat. My fitness level is at an all time low and it doesn't seem to respond to any work. My mental state has never been so much at odds with my physical state. I am sure I would have approached full mania apart from my lack of fitness.

Now my book is on the way, I must concentrate on the physical side.

A note of thanks

2009-03-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with support for my blog. I try to be as honest and open as I can. Thanks for all the kind comments on here and on Twitter. It makes it all worthwhile.

Now my book is getting into publishing, I should have more time to blog. I just hope the inspiration is there.

Take care,
BipolarFella

Being manic... An extract from my book

2009-03-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

Being manic

People ask me what it is like being manic. They also ask why I have lost most friends and family. I hope my friend has helped with the last question.

I don’t think anyone will understand until they live with someone who is manic. People who work with you may not have enough contact to spot the differences. The manic experience can be very isolating. Much of the activity happens at night in the hours of darkness. It only impacts friends and family when their paths cross.

Being manic is a very lonely experience because no one is going at your speed. This appears to be impatience. The manic experience varies from person to person. I can only describe my perceptions.

Floods of ideas. The manic person has lots of ideas and lots of schemes. They will pursue many of the ideas but equally they can switch boats mid-stream.

Hunger. I have experience terrible hungers when manic. Other people have indicated that they lose appetite. I had to keep plenty of burger material in the fridge for midnight snacks.

Sleep. The manic person doesn’t sleep much. This is both a precursor and a result of mania. I used to have 2 hour power naps which recharged my batteries. Management of the long dark nights is crucial in self management of the illness. It depends on your circumstances. Money or no money. Living in the city or a rural town. Fit or unfit. Car owner or not. All these factors affect your ability to use or abuse the night time hours. In LA, I would cruise freeways or hang out in 24 hour diners. The latter are the best thing invented for a manic person. At least for me. Before diagnosis, I would trawl round hospitals at 4 am.

Sex. There is definitely an increase in libido. It is ironic because mine has been absent for several years. I am not tempted to get manic to resurrect my libido, but the thought occurred to me. I have been reckless in my manic episodes. That’s all I will say.

Being in people’s faces. The manic person is always in you r face and can be very demanding. Equally, the manic person can be totally self sufficient, not bothering anyone.

Stealth mode. I could always operate without bothering people. If I felt that I had bothered friends, I would leave quietly without notice. This made sense to me but not to friends.

Empathy. The manic person lacks empathy towards friends and family. They have no sense of what their friends or family feel. They will say the most hurtful things with no idea of the impact and they don’t care. This is one of the worse things for friends and family. They know their loved one is ill but they react to the hurt just the same. It takes a special person to detach themselves from the illness.

Speed. Because the Bipolar person rushes around everywhere, there is a great risk of causing an accident. I almost hit a Police car in LA when dashing to an ATM machine.

Travel. If the Bipolar person has sufficient funds and a passport, the world is their oyster. I flew long haul three times when manic. London to USA. LA to London. LA to Singapore. The three trips all had seemingly logical reasons. In truth, they all stemmed from the mania. They all seemed perfectly logical to me at the time.

Money. Some Bipolar people spend huge sums of money. I am not a willing shopper normally, so I spend on flights, nice hotels, sex and stuff. Things you have nothing to show for.

Talking. The manic person can talk incessantly, sometimes incoherently and rarely sensibly.

Psychosis. When things get really bad, the manic person can have grad delusions such as thinking they are the son of God or that they can fly. This is obviously not healthy and hopefully ends in a section (in the UK).

Mania is well named. You are absolutely barking mad. You may not appear so to casual contacts even to friends who know you. You can be immensely charming and convincing, as in my 250 mile taxi ride with Santa’s Cars. Basically, you are not in you right mind.

Oh Lucky Man !

2009-03-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Two months ago, my life was exceedingly dull. I used to wake up quite early and turn on the TV most days. I would find something mind numbing or sit through endless repeats of the bad news. I do care but I don't need to know the woes of the world. The fact that I know them doesn't make any difference. It just numbs my brain.

I have hardly watched a news programme in these two months. Life still goes on. I get enough news from the radio's hourly bulletins or the breaking news on twitter. I was aware of Twitter because it was mentioned a lot on the show "Working Lunch". It got my interest and I eventually tried it. I have never looked back. I was never a fan of chat rooms but Twitter is in one sense a chat room. Each persons view of Twitter is different because you only see posts by people you are following. If someome doesn't meet your standards, you can un-follow them and they are gone. I am following 400 people and that may sound chaotic. Not everyone is on at the same time, so you only see a subset of the people you follow.

I find it fascinating how you can follow a variety of people. Some may be nice people, some may be amusing, some may be controversial and some may be OTT. You can reply to anyone but there is no guarantee that they will see it. Celebs with hundreds of thousands of followers are unlikely to see your message unless they are following you. For a celeb to follow you takes a stroke of luck, a fluke of timing. I now have 330 followers and I am very proud of that. Not long ago, I was struggling to reach the 100 barrier. Some people follow me because they might sell me something but a good number like what I am saying. They like my integrity and maybe my humour.

I have rambled on as is my habit. Yesterday I finalized my life story. That is unless one of my readers finds something glaringly wrong. In the time I have been on Twitter, I have written a 14,000 word story from scratch. It has always been floating about in my head and it feels good to have gottten it out. This is largely due to the support I received from my new friends on Twitter. Friends vary from the casual to those who you want to say hello to. Most satisfying are the occasional unsolicited messages from someone you don't know. They may have seen your blog entries. That makes me feel so good because I basically like to help people.

I signed up yesterday with Xlibris of Philadelphia to publish my story in a book with supporting colour photos. I don't think self publishing is a cheat. It is a not a work of fiction. I hope that my story informs and helps people. I hope they can see how a chaotic life can be made worse by a chaotic illness. I have lived for 27 years in a world of my own. Only I knew my innermost secrets and thoughts. Now that others know everything, I feel so liberated. I have nothing else to lose. I have lots to gain. My book should hit the market in 3-4 months depending how the process goes. I am not the world's best writer. I am not even a good writer. I do have a talent for expressing my experience in words. What I lack in flowery prose, I make up for in insight. My excerpts from the book have already generated a lot of interest. It may be a short book in the long term, but every sentence will count.

Not long ago I was trying to find a reason to get up next morning. I could see no future in my life. I was not suicidal but I lacked a core of hope. On one hand, I was quite comfortable. On the other, I didn't care if I woke up next day. Writing my story and making many online friends has given me a new hope and confidence. I am lucky because I could still be vegetating in my recliner listening to how many troups were killed or how the markets are in a tail spin.

It was a pure chance that I got onto Twitter. I feel so lucky to have written my story. My story is a roller coaster ride. It may sound odd to the non-bipolar. It was odd. That's the whole point. I wasn't on some 27 year flight of fancy. I didn't want to wreck my life and a very good career. I am ill and I have been for at least 27 years. It does not show when I walk down the street, when I buy groceries, when I meet new people. I am as ill as anyone with cancer, diabetes, epilepsy or any number of physical ailments. I don't get full remission like some people. I am Bipolar for life. It is life sentence. People as a whole don't care. They will back away rather than engage with you. Some people are special and they can empathise, even when they are being hurt. I have had several notable people in my life who stayed with me through thick and thin. The sad truth is that even these people drift away in the end. I have been lucky to have special friends at key points of my illness, especially now. Now I have got the story in a good shape, I hope I can get my sleep into shape and spend some restful days.

In the words of Led Zeppelin, I need to ramble on. My blogs may be "different" but I hope they are entertaining and thought provoking. I think I have a lot to say but I have never said it. I may have quite a back log.

Bye for now. Enjoy.

p.s. I only came out 56% mentally ill in a Facebook test. Maybe there is hope.

Bipolar Fella

My story - The Conclusions

2009-03-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

I thought my book should have a conclusion. I talk to the publisher tomorrow to get the show on the road. I am so excited and positive. I hope you find my conclusions helpful and not too preachy:

Conclusions

I have written my story for a variety of reasons. One of these was an attempt to exorcise my own demons. In this respect, I have been successful. I was always blocked on certain parts of my life. This prevented me from getting to the crux of my life. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest.

I sincerely hope that my story will be of help to fellow sufferers and their loved ones. I have gained a lot of insight over the years and I finally feel that I am the master over the illness.

I encourage all sufferers to take responsibility for their illness and their behaviour. It is a cheap shot to blame the illness for everything. It may be the root cause but it does not have to lead to chaos. You all take decisions regarding your illness. Some would say that the highs are good and hard to give up. Remember the down moods and remember the shattered friendships. It is almost impossible to build bridges after you have hurt so many people. ?It is the Illness? doesn?t cut it in the long term.

Medications don?t help everyone fully but they are a start. Please take them religiously. I have learnt over the years how to spot my mood upswings and I can take the sting out of them. It involves an interest in helping yourself. I always looked for a diagnosis and a solution. This started weeks after my first manic episode. I never sought to prolong my elated moods. They may have been intoxicating but ultimately they were destructive. In mania, you don?t empathise with others. This doesn?t mean you have to act that way in all situations.

Friends and family will be loath to support you if you do not control your illness. It is not easy but it is possible. Take responsibility.

I have just managed to prevent a hypomania from escalating into mania. I have pushed myself hard in writing this story. I think it has been worth it and I am much calmer as a result. As I approach the publishing process, I feel a great hope. Unfortunately I am exhausted. I think it is worth it because the result will help many sufferers and their families. The story had to come out. I know that because of the way I feel now.

I hope you enjoyed the story. I lived it. Good luck, everyone.

The Book Summary for my Story

2009-03-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

This is my first cut at a summary for the publishers:

Book Summary –
This is the life story of Clive Edwards who is also the author. It is mostly about his struggle with Bipolar Disorder, firstly in finding a diagnosis and then in living with the Illness against a chaotic relationship backdrop. The story begins with a foreword which helps to educate the layman about the illness. It is critical for the reader to have some insight in order to understand some of the behaviour. Clive’s early life is described in enough detail to give a picture of his personality and character. It is possible that early experiences had an impact on his later life after he suffered from Bipolar Disorder.

Clive was a seemingly intelligent youth. His general sad demeanour led to him being an under achiever in academic work and in life generally. He drifted through until he was thirty two. The exception was a relatively happy time at University. Even there, he didn’t come out of his shell. He started an IT career and progressed to a good job as a systems programmer with Warwickshire County Council. His life was all about work and he was still at a loss in social situations.

He took a job in Saudi Arabia in an attempt to kick start his life. This endeavour was successful. The ex-pat life suited Clive and he made some good money. He managed to get to the USA for a three week vacation. He had a lot of good friends and they spent a lot of time together.

Things started to go wrong when he hurt his back later in 1982. It required surgery and it is possible that the trauma of surgery triggered his first manic episode. It was a curiosity at first but he consulted a GP. This led to a week locked in a mental ward of a hospital. Everything had gone pear shaped in a few months. While convalescing and still manic, Clive visited America again, on a whim this time. In Denver he crashed out and returned to England, barely in one piece. He returned to Saudi, saw out his contract and returned to England.

After some IT contracts, he moved to America with his first girlfriend. Within a month, Clive became manic again and quit his job. He spent several months searching for a diagnosis and a new job. He found both of these things early in April, 1983. He found a good doctor and a job with someone who would sponsor his green card. He was on medication and found stability until early 1992.

Clive had trouble with the dry mouth side effects of lithium. Early in 1992, things came to a head and he stopped the lithium. It shouldn’t be stopped abruptly. He became manic in a short time. He flew to England and disrupted the life of friends and family. After a few weeks, Clive was hospitalized. The benefit of the hospital wore off and he called to his wife to rescue him. He returned to LA and restarted work. He was totally open about his illness,

1992 was a year of riots and Clive was burnt out by November. He left his first wife and hit the single scene. He found his new girlfriend by answering a personal ad. This was how he found his first wife.

The next seven years were anything from ecstasy to chaos. This involved numerous separations, job problems, some good times and another manic episode in 1996. This led to Singapore briefly and a resulting bad depression. This led to a suicide attempt in 1997. Clive was really lucky with jobs. His ex-manager called from LA and offered him a job in LA.

Clive struggled through two years of medication problems that were not directly related to his illness. He lost a lot of time from work and hardly left the apartment on Sunset Boulevard. Eventually he left the job abruptly and moved to Mexico. This was in order to get off most of the medications. Five months on the edge of the jungle was just what he needed.

Clive returned to England yet again. Apart from another attempt to work in LA in 2000, and a short admin job in England, he has not worked since. He became a bit reclusive and found it harder and harder to get out. His life is relatively stable but uninspiring. At the time of writing, Clive has been using his Bipolar advantage to finish his story. He has refreshed his interest in cyberspace and is more positive than he has ever been. Writing his story has been enormously therapeutic.

The story is a roller coaster ride of a bipolar person struggling against the chaotic background of his personal life. Sometimes it is hard to see where one ends and one begins. Mostly Clive comes out more positive and calm than ever.

He has a good respect for the illness and he has good insight which others can benefit from. He is recovering well while realizing that it is a lifetime commitment and medication is required.

The author summary for my book

2009-03-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

Author Summary: Clive Edwards

The author led an orthodox but controlled life until the age of 18. Clive Edwards was not physically abused but his demeanour was affected by his early home life. He was to been seen but not heard and he eventually believed that. It planted itself in his psyche. His university years brought some joy but he was still that shy youth. This continued into his twenties and he had no girlfriend by the time he was 32. He made a brave decision to work in Saudi Arabia and that shook his world. He made some real money and visited the United States for the first time.

During his time in Saudi Arabia, he had back surgery, had his first manic episode and was locked in a mental ward. This was within a two month period. He returned to England but later worked in the USA for fifteen years.

In the first months in LA, he sought a diagnosis and found one after a three month search. He moved to LA with his future first wife who he later divorced. He met his second wife in LA and married/divorced/remarried her. He survived a chaotic personal life against a background of Bipolar Disorder.

He returned to England and tried to find work. It became too stressful and he settled for early retirement after his mother passed away in 2007. He lives alone in a small flat in his home town. Most of his friends are in cyberspace. Despite all this, he has never been more positive and hopeful for the future.

A foreword to my story...

2009-03-10T22:55:00.000-07:00

I have added a foreword to my story. It will hopefully make reading the story easier for the non-bipolar who has little or no previous knowledge. Please feel ok to feedback by any means.

The following is a true account of my life, mostly as it relates to Bipolar Disorder, an illness that I have lived with for 27 years or longer. Sometimes life imitates the illness and it can be destructive. There is not a clear line between life’s problems and the illness.

Please do not judge my behaviour on the evidence of this story. I made some bad decisions regardless of my illness. That’s not the point. Decisions made in a full-blown manic state are not based on insight. It mostly based on what seems right at the time. The thing that is right one minute can be discarded and replaced without regrets. The bipolar in a mania just thinks of things and then does them, sometimes repeatedly changing tracks. They have lost touch with reality and they have no interest in how it affects other people. This includes family, friends and doctors. The bipolar person talks incessantly and quickly, sometimes incoherently. In the worse cases, they can become psychotic, delusional and think they are superhuman.

Hypomania is the first stage of an episode but it doesn’t have to escalate. Good self management can keep it in check. It is a mild mania in which the person can be highly creative, surviving on little sleep. This is where I have been for many weeks while writing this story. The style may be a little odd but I think it is readable. I have never used my hypomania deliberately before and I have had a great time. I doubted the thinking of Tom Wootton in “The Bipolar Advantage”. I think he may be over the top but I take my hat off to him. I only recently gained the insight and control to ride the waves of hypomania. It is like automatic writing sometimes and I feel someone else is typing.

I am just trying to clarify the context. I don’t mind if you judge the work or even me. I am not after a Pulitzer Prize. I just want to inform in as clear a way as possible. I did some weird stuff under the influence of the manias. Things I would not do normally or even consider. On the other hand it was mostly fun and intoxicating. It can be hard to give up the highs, especially when the meds leave you zombie-like. Please try to read it and understand me a little more. More important, please try to understand the illness. It is only an illness like cancer but it is a life setence. I have done my share of apologising and I regret the loss of friends. I regret the effect on continuing relationships which are jaded. Mostly, try to enjoy and understand more about Bipolar illness. However the way it presents is different in all people. There is a common thread.
Cheers, Bipolarfella

Just an update on my life...

2009-03-10T03:08:00.002-07:00

I am still attempting to chill more in my life. I am failing badly to be quite honest. As long as I have ideas and "things to do" I cannot rest. I know what I am doing but I feel compelled to do things immediately. This is in complete contrast to my experience over the years. I put things off to a disturbing degree. It feels good to be so driven but it is really exhausting.

Last evening I attended my support group. I went mainly to escape the draw of my computer and TV. I attempted to be fairly quiet but failed. I livened up the meeting. My friends all understood. I have bought a new TV, having survived with a second hand TV for years. I am extremely pleased with my purchase but I have been worrying about my expenditure generally. In my previous reclusive existence, at least I lived cheaply. Hopefully it will balance out. I have a secret fear of buying something outrageous online and forgetting when it arrives.

I am getting so much support from people online. Some people have no idea about Bipolar Disorder but they appreciate my stance on mental illness and stigma. Thanks to all those people. My confidence is still fragile and I rely on the boost given by friends.

I am still struggling with the identity crisis that I mentioned in an earlier blog. I like myself more now, but I can't help thinking it will fade away. I get vulnerable when I am tired so I start to doubt myself.

Just an update on my life

2009-03-10T03:08:00.001-07:00

Another post from elsewhere... sort of about stigma

2009-03-08T03:58:00.000-07:00

Amazing what a shave and a hair brushing can do. It can't erase the tired look but I do look better than Saturday. Picture banned from publication. Last night I woke at about 2am as usual but forced myself to lay down again (after I turned on the computer). I napped a further 2+ hours for a total of 6+ . My change from 100mg seroquel + lunesta (zopiclone) to 200mg seroquel seems to have paid off. I don't feel like the undead this morning. I will confine my remaining few zopiclone to the storage cupboard. Can't see me needing them. Obviously they don't suit me. I knew that but I must do as GP says. She did call me at home, so that is worth something. She was very unsympathetic after all that. Never seen her face to face. I hate that.

Self management is best. It's all we have as bipolars. It is however tricky to handle manias by yourself. It scares people so you have to. It scares doctors too. Scares me sometimes. Thank god (or higher force) for all my online friends, most of whom I didn't know six weeks ago. I am most vulnerable between 2am and 6am. Who else do you rely on? I am building a good circle of friends on Twitter and Facebook. My blog is getting more followers by the day. My only regret is that I have not got many responses about my story. I put everything into it emotionally and it may not be an easy read because of the subject matter. It is true and I encourage people to detach slightly. It was me but in a way it wasn't because of the bipolar illness That's the whole point of the book. I am not after money. I can't say I couldn't use a few quid.

My aim remains the same, to demystify, debunk and de-stigmatise Bipolar Disorder. Sufferers are people too and can be very creative. Stephen Fry is one of thousands. Given that there are estimated to be 2.4 million sufferers in the USA, it is a great loss to compartmentalise them.

I have got off the point yet again but that is another aspect of the illnes. I hope I can edit my story in such a way that it helps both new sufferers and loved ones. To loved ones, friends and family and carers, please support your bipolar sufferer and don't back off. It is only an illness like cancer and diabetes. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT , it is the ILLNESS. You can't see it like loss of hair from cancer or a cast on a broken leg, but they are suffering as much and for the rest of their lives. Meds are sometimes effective and I have been relatively lucky. However, I was smashed into the ground by lithium. I know that now I am being weaned off it.
Take care all,
Please support bipolars, the suicide rate among Bipolars is not extremely high for no reason. It is usually out of frustration, anger and desperation.

pls excuse any typos . I have no more emotional strength to do it.

Phew !!

Sleep deprivation...first hand

2009-03-07T09:23:00.000-08:00

I don't normally copy material from another forum, but I think it is worthwhile this time:

Another long day, and a very productive day, but I am running on the fumes. I have to sleep soon or I will crash in a big way. I have taken zopiclone with my seroquel for two nights. The only real effect was two foggy mornings. In my head that is. Tonight, now I have renewed my prescription with the new 200 mg dose, I plan to take the new 200mg of seroquel by itself. I don't think zopiclone agrees with me and my body fights it. It fights most stuff from past experience.

I really know what a zombie would feel like. After taking a self portrait yesterday, I know how one looks. I don't know what I hope to achieve here except to give you a look at the downside of hypomania and insomnia.

I keep trying to stay up late per my gp but it seems to be to no avail. My sleep arrangements are pretty good and I don't have caffeine after the afternoon. I fall asleep with no effort and I am not sure I need meds for that. Staying asleep and getting restful sleep have always been my problem.

I know I try to do too much on too little sleep but I have all the ideas right now. My neighbour came round to clean as usual. I value having someone nearby. She helped me clean up my act. She returned 2 dvd players, a vcr, and a full stereo system to the local recycling shop. She messaged me to say the stereo already had a new home! I'm glad someone else will enjoy it after my brother and myself. I now have room for my new 32 inch tv that comes on Monday. I hope I am making sense. I am typing on autopilot.

This is not the downside of bipolar. I am far from depressed although I have doubts. I hope to report soon that I have had a good night's sleep. Not much to ask.

A Great TV series...worth a look

2009-03-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

This must be a first. A blog outside the hours of 2am to 6am. Two fellow tweeters recommended an older tv series that I had missed first time round. It was a six part mini series called "Takin over the Asylum" from BBC Scotland (thanks Karen) . I put it on my Lovefilm list and watched the first three episodes straight through today. It was probably the best tv I have seen in many a year. It includes two of my favorite actors, David Tennant and Ken Stott. David's performance as a manic depressive was eerily insightful and I should know, having been there more than once. I am not sure you can be so insightful about your own full mania, but it is possible with hypomania. He was representing the higher end of the hypomania range and I felt quite calm as I watched him. A curious experience.

The whole representation of a mental hospital was so true, the characters and the issues. It wasn't at all judgmental. It wasn't a caracature in the slightest. There may be reasons why it is not repeated occasionally but I say it deserves it. There are not many sympathetic portrayals of mental patients. I am doing my best to demystify and debunk the subject of Bipolar Disorder (formerly manic depression). This program does a lot of the things I am attempting from the Bipolar perspective. I can't wait until I get the second DVD early next week.

That's all I can manage since I am heading for a landing. Been up 19 hours again. Hardly stopped to draw breath. It's on Lovefilm if any one is interested in mental health or even good drama.
Take Care....

The Importance of Music in Bipolar and in Recovery

2009-03-05T21:28:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

I am playing "Touch me in the Morning" by Diana Ross on repeat. This is my song and has a calming effect on me. It made me cry a few years back. It takes me back to January 1983 as I walked round and round the compound in Saudi Arabia. Of course the weather was beautiful. It nearly always was apart from the occasional sand storm. I didn't know why I felt so good, especially since I had just had major back surgery in a foreign country. I tried to find out and ended up flying over the cuckoo's nest.

I don't start blabbing when I hear that song now but it affects me intensely. Now it is a joyful feeling. It's truly my song. How sad! It could have been Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. I could live with that. I do like Diana Ross. I shouldn't sell her short. I still pick it out on my computer or my IPOD.

I believe strongly in managing moods through music. If you are in the depths of a depression, nothing gets into your brain, but it's worth trying. Choose music carefully and try different types. Sometimes GNR hits the spot. Sometimes Dido. Sometimes Gloria Estefan. Sometimes Anoushka Shankar. Sometimes the sound of silence. I am deliberately broadening my music collection. Recently I discovered an affinity with sitar and indian music. I always had an affinity with indian food. Just added a spanish langauge CD from Gloria. Even have buddhist chants.

You can always find some music to calm the savage breast or hopefully cheer you up. For me, Diana never gets boring. They should use it in Gitmo.

Cheers, Bipolarfella

The Wonder of Time in Cyberspace

2009-03-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

I am drawn to online chat and stuff because it is relatively timeless. The sleep patterns of others in the world is largely so disturbed and there is always someone around. It doesn't seem to matter what your relative time zones are. It is tricky knowing what to greet with , especially when you have friends in 3 or 4 continents. Does it really matter. An Aussie night owl is equal to a pom who is up way too early. Countries like the US have multiple time zones, so they even confuse themselves.

When I can't sleep, which is nearly always, I take comfort in the fact that there is a friend out there. At times, I didn't have computer access and the nights were so lonely. I sat in a chat room a lot but it is not really my thing. I had some good acquaintances and I am still on good terms with many. Twitter rocked my world. It appeals to my bipolar brain. You can be as stimulated as you like. It is weird that with almost 300 followers and 300 + followees, it never gets uncomfortable. If someone hogs the bandwidth, I just un-follow, the same for un-real people who spout regurgitated information. It is a chat room with a volume control and tuning knob. I like that. I can follow a variety of peeps. Some titilate, some are mundane, some are deep and some are just darn right silly. I am fascinated with the things people say. It is not as trivial as you would think. The human animal has a remarkably common psyche. That's apart from the ones who speak languages I don't know!!

Another random dip into blogging. I sort of enjoy spitting out bits and pieces from my bipolar brain. I hope it entertains and provides interest.
Laterz.

Will The Real BipolarFella Stand Up.

2009-03-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

I am not talking about the many fakes on Twitter. I would have no reason not to be me. I am talking of the identity crisis that many bipolar people suffer. I am only speaking for myself here.

I used to be a very quiet and shy lad. It didn't change much in my twenties. My university period was much more enjoyable but I was happiest in my immediate circle of friends. I was still basically shy. I went to work in Saudi Arabia in 1982. I was a lot happier but I wouldn't say I lost the shyness.

My bipolar disorder raised its ugly head in November of 1982. I didn't know what it was until April of 1985. My personality had changed but I was mostly around new people. They had no preconceptions of my personality. People do not feel comfortable when someone changes for no apparent reason. Reactions from friends and family were always most unaccepting.

In hypomania and mania, my behaviour was different to say the least. I was usually in my own little world but I decended on friends occasionally. This was most stressful but I was usually too aware of the problems I caused. I used to leave unannounced. It proved impossible to mend bridges after a manic episode and I did try my hardest.

Between bouts of mania, there were occasional depressions when I would lock myself away. I was fortunate not to suffer too many depressions. The one I had was quite enough. Eventually after a mania, I would return to something approaching normal. "Normal" was not what it had been. I had gained a new found confidence. People who knew me were suspicious of this change and sometimes backed off. I didn't know myself sometimes and unless I get some sort of good feedback, I can begin to doubt myself. What am I like ???

For example I went on a group holiday in 2007 with about 30 total strangers. By the first evening, we were getting on famously. I had no doubts about who I was and I had one of the best holidays ever.

I still feel that need to be validated in order to be ok with myself. I have recently been hypomanic for long periods and the lines are blurred. I start doubting myself. I am still creative and quite active but I feel reasonably well. My sleep is messed up and exhaustion plays tricks sometimes. I can feel a little depressed or sad and it feels real.

I don't know whether I will ever feel totally comfortable in my skin. Being reclusive helps in a way because most of my contact is with new friends on the computer.

The shameful thing that is stigma

2009-03-03T19:07:00.000-08:00

Stigma is one of those unspoken words. People whisper " You know he/she is a bit funny, you know, in the head". It is an improvement from the early 20th century when apparently otherwise healthy folk were thrown in an asylum to rot, frequently never to be mentioned. A sister of my father was never mentioned until recent years, when my mother said something. I still don't know what happened but I hope to dig in the records. Where do I start? I do have her birth certificate.

Stigma seperates friends and family. Stigma prevents people from getting jobs and sometimes from pursuing careers. People with cancer or physical illnesses, even "D" list celebs get treated with such sympathy. Other people get no sympathy unless they are "A" list and decide to be open. Stephen Fry is a case in point. He is that good egg, bipolar by the way. Neighbours and friends don't know much but they hear things and the curtain twitching starts. Friends back off in a nice way and eventually Christmas cards stop. No amount of apologies or pleading convinces friends or family that you are just ill, like cancer sufferers. Often the suffering is worse and over a longer period. It often ends in premature death, whether self inflicted or by other reasons. Research shows that bipolars are more likely to die from a range of "normal" illnesses.

There are reputed to be 2.4 million bipolar sufferers in the US alone. That is not a small number and it should be reckoned with. Most of them don't "come out". If that is not a result of stigma, I don't know what it is. There must be many more millions around the world. China has none because they don't recognise that mental illness exists. Very sad for the many millions of sufferers in China, wherever they are.

I have no problem coming out. I have special circumstances which allow that. I do encourage anyone to be as open as they can. We have strength in numbers and a Facebook group is growing in numbers. 183 members and counting because of the hard work of Colin Wood. I do my best to promote it on Twitter but it has to grow through word of mouth referrals. Please join up if you haven't yet. Tell your friends who have mentall illness issues.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=65979655729&ref=mf

There is also a anti stigma group on FB.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shift/18052500287?ref=mf

There is a bipolar group on FB.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=47821147170&ref=mf

An excellent website for friends and family of bipolars is at :

http://www.bpff.ca/

Please help to stop stigma. I hope my bipolar story does something to help the cause by letting everyone know what I have been through in the last 27 years. No one really knows, especially my closest friends and family. My neighbour knows more about me than anyone in the world. That is sad. If you are a friend or family of someone with a mental illness, please care for them and take an interest. Please do not brush them under the carpet and never to be mentioned in polite company. Make stigma stop this year. Make your MPs, senators and congressmen hear. Make your prime ministers and presidents hear.

Feeling Sad or maybe just exhausted

2009-03-02T12:49:00.000-08:00

I hope this works. I have had a few error messages today.

I typed all this into a forum on bpff.ca. I see why there are no new entries! All is not lost. I cut and paste it to my blog.

I have started having heavy naps at about 2pm and I sleep 2-3 hours. I don't wake up very happy. Playing music doesn't break the fog. I have managed to stay up til 10pm for thre days straight. It hasn't helped my waking time. I have been up for almost 19 hours today. I must have something which wakes me up, whether externai or in my confused brain. I have had some odd Groundhog Day dreams and I felt like I had to wake up.

I feel a bit of an anti-climax after finishing the draft of my story. I am very happy and proud (not so much right now). I have about 16 copies out for reading and I have protected the copyright today. I have some responses and all positive. I just don't realise that everyone has busy lives and cannot dedicate time to read something. I guess I am very impatient.

I have some ideas for additions to my story where I had missed out important events. Not always bipolar related but important to the story. I need to maintain a balance otherwise I will sound like the last 27 years was totally miserable.

I have been going through a lot of photos with a view to providing more on bpff.ca. They also fit in with the story. I found a lot of happy photos.

I am rambling more than normal so I will sign off and see if this saves.

Viva La Vida.

2009-03-01T22:01:00.001-08:00

Not the Coldplay album but I really like it and It's playing on my ipod. I have realized that getting my story written and out there will let me draw a line under a largely troubled period. I am not saying it was all bad. In fact it was better in some ways than my earlier life. I have a draft finished and I already feel like I can go forward. A lot of things have been subconsciously holding me back. I don't yet know what the rest of my life holds, but I feel capable of finding out now.

I have started my story on numerous occasions. Not until I let someone see it , did I get past the roadblocks. I now have about sixteen people reading it and the initial reactions are good. I still can't tell if someone is being kind. I feel better if comments come in unsolicited. I posted my story excerpt on Facebook and got two good comments. These two people now have a copy of the draft.

I have never been shy about my illness. It is so liberating now I have gone the extra step. I think hiding your illness feeds stigma rather that lessening it. I don't care who knows. I have the advantage of not having a job and being a bit reclusive. I am a bit reclusive by nature but I miss the closeness of friends. I have lost a lot of confidence in socialising. I never really had that confidence unless I was manic.

Not many weeks ago, I was wondering why I got up in the mornings. I wasn't suicidal but I wasn't very happy. Now I feel a lot more positive. I still have moments of doubt when my energy begins to drain. I know this feeling from my earlier manic phases. I know it will pass although it sometimes worries me.

All I have to do is work out a future. I am better now I have replaced early morning vegetating with cyber activity. Not everyone likes Twitter but it has been the catalyst to my recovery. I have found new joy without drugs or having to go into a mania. Mania wasn't real. I know I was having fun but I couldn't share it with anyone. It was always a secret. Now the cat's out of the bag.

Getting my story finished, edited and published will be stage one. I may not be a "writer" but I think I will blog while I can. I always thought I had nothing to say but I was just very shy. I can't help wondering which is my true personality. I always thought my true personality was suppressed by my early life experiences. I guess I will never know unless I go in for a life regression.

Can the young man in the picture have become the miserable reclusive person of later years?

Viva La Vida !!!

Another Voice from Beyond 9pm

2009-02-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

Two nights in a row I have stayed awake until 10pm. I did almost crash in the early evening but I weathered the storm. My great theory about why I was waking early? It was rubbish. I thought the room was getting too warm. I have turned off all heating and just the same happened. What happens at 2am? Maybe a minor earth tremor. I know I awoke in a very odd state, sort of a Groundhog Day in my head. I just couldn't close my eyes so I got up. I have been up about 2 hours. I have been twittering to myself mostly apart from a couple of brief convos. I have played some music (on headphones) that had been blipped by other night owls. The time between 2am and 6am really gets to me. By 6am it is showing signs of getting light. I have already had breakfast and made a pot of herbal tea. The latter has replaced my coffee habit. I still allow myself one cup in the night.

I have been talking a bit on msn to balance the rather random nature of twitter. It sometimes seems like you are talking to yourself on Twitter. Especially in these hours unless the Aussies are about. It is nice to receive emails when I wake up but it is the usual spam and phishing stuff.

It's different to when I was manic in the past. Then again it is very similar. I walk around quickly with thoughts jumping occasionally. I seem to do everything fast with great impatience. I have to take not to cut myself when preparing a bagel. I am so careful not to disturb anyone. I learned to avoid noise when doing anything. This was even more keenly done in mania.

My big mania was in 1992. I called it my Flight of Fancy. I didn't go into it in my story in order to protect other people's feelings. One incident demonstrates the care to be quiet. I was staying with friends and it had gone quite well. I don't know how much they were of my illness. Eventually anyone thinks its personal and reacts. I questioned my host's faith in a rather blunt way and caused an obvious reaction. I knew I had done this and I decided to leave. I decided at about 4am. I got my things together without disturbing the house. I approached the eldest son who was about 12 years old. He was sensible and I explained the situation. I asked him to tell his parents in the morning. I left the house and made my way to a phone. I called a taxi and went to the railway station. I moved on to annoy someone else. This pattern was repeated several times during my mania.

It is a singular illness that causes friends' reactions to mask their need to care for you. That's why it causes so much trouble in families. If I can get one point across, it is that it is not personal. The personal who is ill is just that, Ill and can't help it. It takes a special person to see past the illness and care for the patient. I have had some people like that in my life and I am grateful. Some did it instinctively.

That's enough for now. I hope my nightime ramblings give a new insight into Bipolar Disorder. I am now fairly stable but I recognise that I am different even when well.

A voice from beyond 9pm

2009-02-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

I never thought it would happen. It is passed 9.30 pm and I am still awake. I am functioning pretty well. I have chilled where possible for a few days and it is paying off. I enjoy twittering but I have to moderate it. If I go too far, my mood starts to get uncomfortable. I can see my goal of 10pm being possible. That has been my "bedtime" for quite some time. It means that I can in theory push my wakeup time out a little. I am due for a really good night or the "crash" as I call it.

I read my bipolar story straight through this evening. One thing was that there were only about 6 minor corrrections in 16 pages. It felt like someone else had written it because I wrote most of it when hypomanic in the dark of night. It felt like automatic writing. It had to be because I can't type very well. I could only write a maximum of 3 pages before feeling exhausted.

I impressed myself with my writing. That is a new sensation for me and I am very proud. I see why my neighbour enjoyed reading it. I have about 8 other people who have a copy and I hope they can also give feedback. It might not be an easy read unless you distance yourself from the subject which is 27 years in a bipolar person's life.

Obsession with the News

2009-02-26T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have always selpt poorly and I have ended up awake in the early hours. I used to watch the crappy early morning TV and passed time. I discovered Twitter a month ago and it revitalised my interest in cyberspace. I haven't watched much TV in that time. Wars still go on. People are still stabbed and shot. Planes crash and natural disasters do their best to wipe out people. It makes no difference whether I know or not. I was just taking it all in and getting depressed. I don't need this extra input as a Bipolar sufferer. The news channels look for the most negative and upsetting stories. They seem obsessed with finding the worse in everyone and everything.

I haven't given up news for the first time. I get enough from the brief hourly bulletins on radio. People on Twitter will post anything of extreme importance. I know the world is in financial crisis. I don't need to hear about it every 5 minutes. I don't need to know how many soldiers were killed in a futile war. I don't need to know how many new jobs were lost or how many companies went bust. Life goes on. Restaurants and bars still do business. Do the media types want the world to go to hell?

I have struggled to find a job over 10 years and finally gave up. I live alone and don't get out much. My illness drove away most of my friends. I am making do. I am not depressed about the financial crisis. Am I depressed? Sometimes. It's mostly about the crappy news we are constantly fed. Get over it.

Twitter and Celebrity and stuff...

2009-02-24T23:06:00.000-08:00

My Brain on Twitter

I refer to real celebrities and those that are celebrities in their own mind. The truth is that celebrities have so many thousands that they are following. There is also a huge number of people trying to Tweet them. The chance of getting a personal reply is minimal but we try and try. It doesn't seem to matter that the Dalai Lama or Stephen Fry doesn't reply. It seems that you have their ear.

I think we are all guilty of being star struck. Twitter offers the apparent chance to make a 140 character exchange with someone famous, sometimes with someone who pretends to be a famous person and sometimes with someone who thinks they are famous. Maybe I am cynical. I am.

Twitter is like a manic chat room with a stream of consciousness that you can tap into. The thoughts are sometimes every day, sometimes banal and sometimes profound. It is real people expressing their immediate thoughts. It shows how much sleep patterns are important all over the world. It is a recurring issue. People are strangely levelled. In concept, you can talk to anyone on the same level. You gain followers on the basis of your character or lack of it. You also gain followers when your friends promote you on #followfriday. I was struggling to make 100 followers on Saturday morning. On Wednesday, I have 215 followers. I hope it is because I say some interesting and thought provoking things. I have a particular insight into mental health because I am a sufferer. When I am suffering, I have a different but valid insight. I hope I can keep up my blog. It is probably more valuable than my personal story although my story might help some people understand bipolar disorder and help sufferers to avoid my mistakes.

I seem to have lost the plot but that's the nature of Bipolar Disorder, even when you are stable. I was kidding myself that stable means normal. I am not normal and I don't want to be. I dismissed Tim Wootton's "Bipolar Advantage" but I think he had a point.

Trying to Get Back on Track

2009-02-23T02:43:00.000-08:00

My conscious efforts yesterday to chill more seem to have worked. After talking to a fellow twitterer at length, I decided to push my evening meds back to bedtime. In recent months, I have taken them earlier for convenience and to avoid forgetting. My friend said that the meds, particularly carbamazepine, might help with my sleep.

Over the day I took plenty of chill breaks and avoided over stimulation. I did watch the last dvd of 24 series 6 and quite enjoyed it, more than the previous one at least. Jack Bauer saved the world yet again. No surprise there.

I will check in with my pdoc about the sleep problem when my meds changes have settled down. I have no idea how the lithium contributed to my sleep. I don't think it's known for it. I may need a boost in my carbamazepine dosage to compensate.

I feel a lot more "normal" today, whatever that is. I am not dashing around like a headless chicken. I would like to write and I might try later. I wouldn't say it is harder but it is different. I slept about 5 hours last night, having managed to stay up until nearly 9pm. I always used to go to bed at 10pm like clockwork.

I am going to try to have a couple more chilling days. I have a delivery of groceries tomorrow and that's about it. I have a massage scheduled on Wednesday and I am really looking forward to that. I don't get out much so I must make the most of this sort of thing.

I feel like I am rambling a bit. This is not one of my streams of consciousness. It's harder work.

The Loneliest Time

2009-02-21T23:38:00.000-08:00

I consider myself a very lonely person. Most of my friends have backed off or disappeared because of my bipolar disorder. Some just heard about it. I just heard from a friend of 26 years and that was a relief. He was there for me before I was diagnosed. There are exceptions and I have a lot of bipolar friends. These are friends that I don't see or talk to between support group meetings. I don't do myself any favours by being so reclusive but it is self perpetuating. I have got back into the online community and it is a joy. I have reconnected with a friend who I known for a few years.

You would think that bipolar folk would be more sympathetic to bipolar friends but that isn't always the case. Being lonely in the daytime is not good but you do see people walking and driving around. There are the sounds of the day. The night time is a whole different story. It easier when you are manic because you are single minded and have your own agenda. It still gets lonely in a strange way.

I have been in some strange mixed state for several days now. I don't get the power naps of the manias. I sleep some hours but I awake exhausted in the wee hours. My days are endless apparently and by my early bedtime I am totally exhausted, almost falling over. I go to sleep and wake up before midnight sometimes. If I go back to bed, as last night, I have distinctly unpleasant dreams. Mine always seem to include getting lost. I have no idea what that means. The nights are so lonely. You can't make a noise in fear of waking the neighbours. There is no one to talk to except for online friends, many of whom i've known less than a month. They are there for me wherever they are. There is always someone awake. The world is full of people with strange sleep patterns. I wake up before most of my friends go to bed, and they are in the UK.

I don't think the muggles appreciate what it is like to suffer endless waking nights, the exhaustion, the elation, the hunger and the loneliness. No one knows or seems to care. They can't relate. That's why the friendship of other sufferers is so important. It is hard to accept but we shouldn't expect much from anyone. I hope this blog helps and triggers a discussion.

I am incredibly productive in this state. I did my weekly financial checks and ordered two weeks groceries in less that 30 minutes before 7.30am. My mind races and my fingers fly over the keyboard. I still feel exhausted. That's strange. Writing seems to spew from my brain onto the keys. This is not a urban myth. Please comment if you feel interested.

I feel like an Extra in the Thriller Video

2009-02-21T16:28:00.000-08:00

How can you sleep, albeit 3 hours, and wake up feeling like an elephant's armpit? I'm not even manic. That might be fun but dangerous. I'm stuck in this horrible mixed state, mental energy to spare but physically exhausted. I went bed after 8pm because I was totally exhausted. I woke up before midnight. The realization is terrible. I think the pattern becomes ingrained but why can't I stay asleep. I fall asleep readily enough with the help of Seroquel. To be fair, I suffered like this before I started Seroquel in 2007. I am getting off Lithium and this may be affecting my sleep. Whatever the truth, I am determined to handle the transition. My cholesterol meds are being changed so my meds regime is in total flux. I have to give it a few weeks. These mixed states are the pits followed closely by rapid cycling. The only time I tried suicide was after a very fast period rapid cycling with several cycles in each day.

Bipolarfella

No one said bipolar meant two poles at the same time!!

2009-02-20T01:46:00.000-08:00

I have never been more aware of my moods and my physical state. I always thought that being physically unfit would curb the effects of mania or the slide into mania. That's not an excuse for being a slob. Today my mind has been going at 100mph and my body has the handbrake on. It's a curious sensation, but it is strangely safe. I don't feel great but I am in control of things. I am still quite productive and I am thinking farely clearly. Manic folk always say that ! The proof is in the reading. It is either brilliant or total gibberish. I think I have learnt to express my feelings in mania with a slight amount of distance. I think this is well worthwhile and it might give a certain insight to non-bipolars. Other bipolars might not give a damn. As long as I can write reasonably clearly, I think I am ok. I am spending time Twittering on Twitter.com. The best thing I ever did was to sign up. That was just over two weeks ago. I have 99 followers and I am a bit obsessed with making the 100. A bit like England cricketers. I know the chances are that I will lose some after that but what the heck? I think I have begun to ramble so it is time to sign off. As usual, feedback is appreciated.

Back on the Surfboard !

2009-02-18T22:12:00.000-08:00

I survived the night but woke way before 4am. The night was disturbed as usual despite 200mg of seroquel. ONE cup of coffee and a few exchanges on Twitter leaves me more hopeful. The cloud has lifted. I am eating porridge having exhausted all my forms of bread in the flat. It doesn't taste bad with Banana, honey and sultanas. It is 6.16am and twitter is down for maintenance until 7am. I have already updated my Norton software and Java this morning.

I really enjoy DJ'ing on blip.fm and posting songs on Twitter. I get a few props for my choices.

I was getting over confident with my riding of the hypomania. I did too much and it led to a mild crash. It is a strange feeling being up yet still in a cloud. I haven't been aware of it before. I may have been a bit reckless in view of my medication regime changes. I have new cholesterol meds and I am almost off lithium. It is a joy to feel again, albeit with the help of a bit of hypomania. I am still confused by the question of where I begin and where does the illness start? I would like to think that I have a spark which has been suppressed all of my life. I always thought that behaviour in mania reflects your basic character. For example, if you are non-violent, you won't be violent in mania. That is my untested opinion. I would appreciate any thoughts on that suggestion.

A Day of Changing Moods

2009-02-18T10:47:00.000-08:00

I was riding the hypomanic surfboard this morning and I seem to have fallen off. I felt so good this morning but I was awake before 4am again. I over did things and got too much stimulation. Now it is 15 hours after waking and I feel like a different person. Sullen, sad, paranoid. I reached out for online friends and I found one new Twitter friend and one I have talked to for a few years. I find that fellow sufferers are the best support. They know where you are coming from. I hope a good night's sleep changes things. The problem there is the word "good". I will probably take 200mg of seroquel. I am nervous of taking more because my meds are in flux. I watched 3 hours of 24 series 6 straight through. That might have been a mistake. I didn't enjoy it as I normally do. I had an insight into hypomania this morning. I feel like I am flitting around and doing things too fast. I realized that it was like Peter Pan flying around or more accurately Tinkerbell. Maybe I know why my friend is BipolarTink? I find myself rushing around from one thing to the next, impatient to get things done. I type fast and usually very accurately. That's why I like working on my story. I am still like that but there is an overwhelming cloud over me. I can still think and I function quite well.