The week ahead ...

This week is my time to get moving. I have been feeling brighter and I feel up to tackling a few things. I have the fasting blood test on Tuesday for my annual diabetes check. It's lucky I have no problem with blood tests. I guess all the lithium levels tests over the years makes it easier. The "fasting" part can be tough, especially because my appointment is not until 9.50am. My cpn is off this week. I have been seeing her on Wednesdays, so I have to keep busy on other things. I have recently got hooked on a game called Words With friends on facebook. It is very distracting and challenging, especially when you are playing 4 games in parallel. The beauty is that you can come back to games whenever you have time. Games can last from hours to days, maybe even weeks! I have friends in the usa and Australia who I play with. The big time differences are not an issue. We are awake at the same time on occasions. I want to use this blog more to track my attempts to get more active. I have written a lot about being bipolar and I have received a lot of nice supportive comments. I am still surprised to receive a comment on a blog post that I wrote ages ago.

I bought an annual pass to Warwick castle earlier in the year. I used it quite a lot in the early weeks when my mood was on the higher side. I want to get back now, especially to get photos of the fall/autumn colours. They were beautiful last time I saw them. Clive

Thoughts on a much better week

My sleep is still a work in progress but this week has been the best in some while. I have not got out much but i did get out one day and I have felt brighter. I am at least thinking about doing things! I am more aware how my sleep is critical to my mental well being. I have been waking up quite early all week. 5-6 am is okay but 3am is still the middle of the night. I am grateful that my Facebook friends on the West Coast of the US are up as well as my Australian friends. I try not to take a sleeping tablet at bed time (zopiclone), mainly because I don't have many. I need to ask the GP to give me the higher dosage tablet because I need two and they don't last long. I have been taking a tablet if I wake in the night but it doesn't always work. My cpn is off next week and I am on my own. My only commitment is to get a fasting blood test for my annual diabetes review early in November. I am pleased that my GP's are on top of that. My goal for the week is to get out more. Nothing new there!! I plan to get to Warwick Castle so I can get some photos of the autumn/fall colours. I hope they are changing by now. I have been thinking of day trips or short breaks and that is a good sign. I haven't done that in a long time. I get quite a few comments on this blog. Mostly they say how they have helped. I am pleased about that. The comments help me equally, so please keep them coming. As I said before, I plan to post more often as I move forward. Regards, Clive

2011 : A Difficult Year

2010 was not a great year. I was taking new medication that didn't seem to be suiting me. I was suffering a lot of anxiety and I canceled a lot of important things. On a day in the first week of 2011, I went into a manic state. I deluded myself that I was "OK" and made some inappropriate plans. The manic state finally diminished in April or May. I got very depressed and I had to cancel the inappropriate plans. I needed support from the Crisis Team to get me through this period.

I have been a lot more stable since August but I struggle more and more to get out of the apartment/flat. As my sleep has improved, I have felt slowly better but I need occasional sleep medication. Several days of poor sleep leads to returning symptoms, especially in the mornings.

I won't be sorry to get into 2012. I will be able to resolve my personal financial situation. I seem to be a bit in limbo at the moment.

The good news is that I have been feeling brighter this last week. This is ironic because the mornings and evenings are getting darker by the day. I did get into town once this week. For me, this is progress. It has always been two steps forward followed by one back. I just need patience. Having a cpn (community psychiatric nurse)has been very helpful.

Regards,
Clive

Where do I want to be in 5 years?

The answer is that I have no idea. I struggle with knowing where I want to be in one year or even next week. I don't mean where physically. I mean in terms of various aspects of my life.

The second session of my Managing Depression group was about increasing activity. Part of the "homework" was to brainstorm on this subject. I find it very difficult to know what I want. I think this is a big factor in my depression. I think that hope comes from having goals. Even though I was not having luck finding work, it was a goal. I gave up on job hunting because of the stress it was causing. I had failed to realize that job hunting had been my major goal. I am sure it is more complicated than that.

A lot has happened since I stopped job hunting. I am not sure it is as simple as restarting job hunting. I do have to review my options.

New Blog - please follow if you want to stay in touch

I have frozen this blog. If you want to carry on following my posts, please follow the new blog. It will still mention bipolar and mental health issues, but it will be more general.

http://clivewild.blogspot.com

Thanks,
Clive

Buddy, can you spare some time?

Everyone in the modern world seems obsessed with how busy their lives are. Give me a break!! Try living for 4 months on 2-3 hours sleep a night. I have time in abundance, made even more apparent by having no job, and not through want of trying. Doesn't this sound wrong somewhere? I am reasonably intelligent, IT literate, published author, lousy at Suduko, quite healthy having lost 84 pounds and I can't even get arrested {in job terms}. I am angry and I think I am right to be after being thrown on the scrap heap of life prematurely. Enough of my rant. I have to move on.

What frustrates me most is that all these people wit such busy lives have no time for us, the long suffering people with a mental illness diagnosis. Because of the insomnia that is commonly associated wit Bipolar Disorder, I have a lot of time on my hands. Most of it is spent alone. Much of that is in the long nights, made bearable by the internet and on-line friends. I just can't remember how I managed before the internet. It probably explains some of the nocturnal wandering that accompanied manic episodes. The internet can now keep the most manic person reasonably occupied.

The on-line community and support system can work well. Even on-line, it is easy to find yourself alone despite there being millions of people on at any time. I am at a loss to explain this phenomena. There is often no one to tweet to, message on facebook, talk to on skype or simply chat to. Everyone goes MIA. This is understandable in the Mental health community but maybe not in the wider population. I guess I am pleading to those who are logged on and not talking. If you see a friend who posts at some ungodly hour, please say hello at least. They may appreciate a quick chat. In my most anxious periods, an early on-chat could turn around my day and often did.

I have time on my hands so I have been idly thinking about time zones. The UK must be one of the most unfortunate time zones for the insomniac who is awake between midnight and sunrise. The stragglers in the USA and Canada drift off to bed as rime passes. There are a few Aussies and Kiwis who are around but there are far less of them. The area in between is a bit of an internet desert, at least there is no one in my circle of friends. I think it must be good to live down under if you are an insomniac. There is more chance of finding someone awake. Just an idle but totally useless conjecture...

If You Can't Stand the Heat .....

I care for all my on-line friends. Most of you have an interest in Mental Health issues and that is no coincidence. Others of you shared my eight loss journey over what is now 2 years. I have never hidden away my bipolar disorder, some might say to the detriment of my life. I don't feel like I have lost out. I feel like I have gained far more than I have lost and I hopefully continue to be a good role model.

I am at a crossroads in my recovery. I am not as arrogant as to claim a cure is possible. You might hear that from a certain Catherine ZJ in coming weeks. Bipolar is for life not just for Christmas. I put down my progress to working hard over the 28 years since the onset. There have been downs, the most sever of which came this year. I have always bounced back from illness setbacks and life's setbacks. I have some resilience.

Before I ramble on, as is my style, my point! A lot of my progress was made possible by my isolation. I had no one second guessing me, no parrot on the shoulder saying "Take Your Meds", "Get Some Sleep", " I am Busy Now" or other inane suggestions. Let's face it, no one ever has time. Muggles, as my friend calls them, have busy lives. Why should they put off their plans to support a sick loved one? They have worked hard all year and deserve some R&R. I have been very much been left to my own devices, even in my lowest suicidal moments. I manage my finances pretty well. I have always taken pride in the fact that I work on problems. I never take the elated moods for granted and rarely use them (except for maybe in writing my book). Every manic or hypomanic experience has been less of a problem than previous ones. That is my commitment.

All I ask is that friends accept my intelligence and my commitment to get better if not well. If you don't understand, just ask but don't second guess me unless you have walked in my shoes. Only fellow sufferers know what it is like to be bipolar. I have tried to explain in newspaper articles and in radio appearances but i am not sure how well I did? My book hopefully helped to a point. My best feedback comes from the intelligent questions from those who read the book.

I don't ask for much. I am not a government statistic except maybe as a winter fuel payment recipient or someone who gets free prescriptions. Everyone won't "get" bipolar. If you don't, let me get on with my life. To quote a very old phrase "If You Can't Stand the Heat, Get Out of The Kitchen". It is bad enough that mental health professionals don't understand, without everyone and their dog having an opinion.