Just an update on my life...

I am still attempting to chill more in my life. I am failing badly to be quite honest. As long as I have ideas and "things to do" I cannot rest. I know what I am doing but I feel compelled to do things immediately. This is in complete contrast to my experience over the years. I put things off to a disturbing degree. It feels good to be so driven but it is really exhausting.

Last evening I attended my support group. I went mainly to escape the draw of my computer and TV. I attempted to be fairly quiet but failed. I livened up the meeting. My friends all understood. I have bought a new TV, having survived with a second hand TV for years. I am extremely pleased with my purchase but I have been worrying about my expenditure generally. In my previous reclusive existence, at least I lived cheaply. Hopefully it will balance out. I have a secret fear of buying something outrageous online and forgetting when it arrives.

I am getting so much support from people online. Some people have no idea about Bipolar Disorder but they appreciate my stance on mental illness and stigma. Thanks to all those people. My confidence is still fragile and I rely on the boost given by friends.

I am still struggling with the identity crisis that I mentioned in an earlier blog. I like myself more now, but I can't help thinking it will fade away. I get vulnerable when I am tired so I start to doubt myself.

Trying to Get Back on Track

My conscious efforts yesterday to chill more seem to have worked. After talking to a fellow twitterer at length, I decided to push my evening meds back to bedtime. In recent months, I have taken them earlier for convenience and to avoid forgetting. My friend said that the meds, particularly carbamazepine, might help with my sleep.

Over the day I took plenty of chill breaks and avoided over stimulation. I did watch the last dvd of 24 series 6 and quite enjoyed it, more than the previous one at least. Jack Bauer saved the world yet again. No surprise there.

I will check in with my pdoc about the sleep problem when my meds changes have settled down. I have no idea how the lithium contributed to my sleep. I don't think it's known for it. I may need a boost in my carbamazepine dosage to compensate.

I feel a lot more "normal" today, whatever that is. I am not dashing around like a headless chicken. I would like to write and I might try later. I wouldn't say it is harder but it is different. I slept about 5 hours last night, having managed to stay up until nearly 9pm. I always used to go to bed at 10pm like clockwork.

I am going to try to have a couple more chilling days. I have a delivery of groceries tomorrow and that's about it. I have a massage scheduled on Wednesday and I am really looking forward to that. I don't get out much so I must make the most of this sort of thing.

I feel like I am rambling a bit. This is not one of my streams of consciousness. It's harder work.