Back to reality....with a bump

I often say that I don't suffer from the depressions as much as the manias. I am not sure that is true. I think I am often in denial just to preserve my sanity. I think my frequent periods of extreme loneliness are really periods of depression. I have been feeling generally quite positive in recent months. Unfortunately it has no basis in reality. I have always been a hopeful person and this has got me through hard times. I am now settling down to look at my future. I may have have made personal progress but I am still reclusive and isolated. I always relied on others to make me better, as in my friends and my wives. I think it is called codependency. I always struggled with socialisation for much of my life. I managed fairly well as long as I was working, but now I find it hard to make friends and I struggle to keep them. I am a bit of a loner but I do enjoy the company of others. I don't seem to spend time with people and I rarely get the chance to eat out or do other stuff any more.

My new non-profit project - a compilation

I am posting the flyer for my new project in the hope that some readers might want to contribute.

BipolarStories Book Project

I am putting together a compilation of stories and poems with a view to publishing a book. Proceeds will go to a mental health charity or charities, to be decided by the group. I am asking for contributions primarily from mental health sufferers. The subject is open but I reserve the right to decide on appropriateness. Contributions from non-sufferers should be on a mental health theme. I am also encouraging contributions from groups such as day centers, support groups or resource cafes.

I will be doing some proof reading and editing. Other group members have volunteered to do some as well. I will be responsible for gathering the contributions. They should preferably be in Microsoft Word format to save conversion later. I can accept small amounts of work on paper if someone has the time to transcribe them.

The main focus of the group is the Facebook group BipolarStories. Don’t be put off by the title. It is not just about Bipolar Disorder. If you are on Facebook and are not already a group member, I encourage you to join the group. Also add CliveWild as a friend if I am not already your friend. If you are not on Facebook, I encourage you to join if only to access the group. I think that groups are the main selling points of Facebook. You will meet a lot of like-minded people on the group. There are about 70 members as I write this.

The group has several advantages:

1) Discussion boards related to the project.
2) Ability to message all members about important news.
3) A news section that I add to.
4) Somewhere to post images.
5) A section of links to other useful sites.
6) A wall to post messages to the group.

If you can’t join the group, please send me your email addy of preference to clivewild@hotmail.com with subject including BipolarStories. I will maintain a list of emails and inform everyone of important news.

Apart from contributions, I would like to hear from people with skills in proofreading, editing, artwork, cartoons, cheap self publishing etc. This is a low cost project. I put a lot into my first book. This is very much a voluntary effort. I am trying to give a voice to the otherwise unheard.

I will be contributing a chapter that is based around some of my favourite blogs from February and March.

Please get in touch if you haven’t already. If you have no computer access, please ask someone else to contact me for you.

Regards, Clive Edwards (Clive Wild)

I Can't Save the World - Alone

I try to help everyone. Maybe I try to save everyone. I have always tried to do this and I used to absorb everyone's pain. This made me ill. I manage to avoid getting so involved now. I find it hard not to try to help someone if they trust me with their problems. I always tried to analyze their problems because I have an anlytical mind. I have helped people over the years and I am proud of that. I did it at the expense of my own well being. It is not healthy to absorb so much negativity. It did not affect me in a conscious way but all that stuff had to go some where. I did this while suffering from bipolar disorder and it amazes me that I wasn't pushed over the edge on occasions.

I still like to help people when they confide in me. I am flattered that people find me trustworthy and I can't turn people away. I no longer put my well being on the line. I have to stay well.

I want to cooperate more with people. I have started a project to produce a compilation of stories/poems about mental health. I hope to work with others as contributors or as helpers in the process. I did everything for my book and the publisher just put out what I sent to them. I hope to find people with experience of cheaper self publishing. I visualise a team of people working towards a goal. I have talked to many people who are writing or who want to write. Writing can be therapeutic and I want to encourage people to contribute to this project. It can be anonymous if they like. I just want the people who think they are not heard to have a voice.

I will always want to save people. I accept now that I haven't got the experience to help everyone. We all have certain skills and I hope we can help each other. Anyone is welcome. You can contribute or you may have skills we can use.

I encourage anyone who reads this to get involved. You don't have to be a sufferer. You don't even have to know someone who suffers. You just need to care. I see this is a big way to combat the stigma of mental health. Stories or poems can be about any aspect of mental health, how it affects you, how it affects your friend or family member or how you feel as an outsider. Sufferers are not often seen as people who can achieve. I want to redress the balance.

Email me at clivee777@hotmail.com if you think you can help. If you send me an email address , i will invite you to join the google group BipolarStories. Here we can exchange ideas and post files. I will edit the book with help of anyone who has the right skills. Please volunteer if you have experience of an inexpensive publishing process.

Regards, Clive

The Ultimate "Am I Bipolar?" List

If you find this list annoying, you may be Bipolar.

If you are a homicidal maniac, you may be Bipolar.

If you found it hard to sleep last night, you may be Bipolar.

If someone really made you angry today, you may be Bipolar.

If you are breathing, you may be Bipolar.

If you are left-handed, you may be Bipolar.

If you act a bit odd sometimes, you may be Bipolar.

If you are not always yourself, you may be Bipolar.

If you are a famous celebrity, you are almost certainly Bipolar.

If you think this list is going on too long, you are probably right.

If you think this is amusing, there is some hope for you, Bipolar or not.

The Seeds of Bipolar

I don’t want to dwell on my past. It fascinates me why I became bipolar and I am curious when the seeds were planted. I read something about Bipolar Disorder having “significant neurobiological and genetic components” and “a basis in psychological, social, and biological roots”. This was posted in a blog that talked about the 9 Myths of Bipolar Disorder. Please excuse my small amount of paraphrasing. The Myth in question was that Bipolar Disorder is a medical disease, just like diabetes.

We come back to the old discussion about nurture vs nature. The nature component is not simply how we were born. The genetic component of Bipolar Disorder suggests that we might be susceptible to becoming bipolar later in life. My feeling is that this is not hard written. The psychological and social effects combine with the susceptibility to make people highly susceptible. I am not an academic, especially in these matters. I am just looking back at my life and trying to make some sense of it. I have been unable to verify that there was a genetic component in my family. I do have suspicions that I haven’t managed to confirm. People have passed away, especially the ones who may have been able to help.

For the sake of my analysis, I will assume that I was susceptible to Bipolar Disorder by virtue of genetic influences. My feelings about my early years confirm this possibility. I cannot access my feelings as a pre-school youngster. I don’t think anyone is alive who could shed light on this period. I only have early photos to tell me what sort of youngster I was. I like to assume that I started with a clean slate and I was moulded by my social situation.

I look reasonably happy in early pictures. I had good friendships with local children but I can’t think back to how I actually felt. I can tell by photos when I moved to grammar school that I had become a very sad individual. I am not sure why this had happened. My earlier school days had been happy as far as I knew. I had some good friends and I don’t have any bad memories. My home life was normal. My family moved from a prefabricated house to a modern house when I was about 8 years old. This moved me away from a lot of my friends. We didn’t move far but we moved to middle class. My father was making great strides in his career with Fords. We had a Ford Eight car and went off on holidays.

It was good to live in the new house with a large garden. It was good because my friends and I had a good neighbourhood to explore. Most of the area was still covered in fields. I think I became a quiet and shy youth when I moved to the Grammar School. It possibly began in the later years in my previous school. I am at a loss to work out why. Going to Grammar school was another separation from my friends. We were still friends but my friend, Paul, was the only one who came to the same school. I think being bussed to school was a big problem. I never met most of my school friends outside school, at least until many years later. Most of the pupils were bussed in from a catchment area around the school.

Grammar school was not good for me. The alternative might well have been worse. The school had no soul. With the odd exception, teachers matched the school. It was a new school and I was one of the first intake to go through a full seven years. The school never seem to find its personality. Every year my school reports said that I was reticent. I don't remember anyone making any attempt to help me. I guess my parents read the reports but they did not register. I was definitely not going to ask for help. After all, I would hardly say boo to a goose. That was encouraged at home. I was a very sad youth and I became a real underachiever. I had talents in some subjects but it rarely showed in my exam results.

I joined a group of other underachievers and the die was set. We were the crowd who never joined in, whether it be social activity or sport. It wasn't done. I managed somehow to get good enough exam results to get to a university of my choice.

The only bright moments in my seven years came by virtue of one enlightened teacher. Jim Hardy. He was one of the younger teachers and he arranged some extracurricular activities. One of these was a trip to see the Beach Boys in Birmingham. This was my first concert and I really enjoyed the outing. It was so out of the mormal humdrum existence. I always had an interest in pop music but seeing a live band was so much better. In my later life, good music was one thing that I enjoyed and I was lucky enough to experience a lot of it. By some good fortune, I was present at several great concerts, including the Who Live at Leeds and The Rolling Stones in Hyde Park. A certain friend of mine is very jealous because he wasn't quite born by this time.

My three years at Leeds University were an oasis in a very dull first thirty years. I didn't know how special Leeds was as an entertainments venue. I think the guy who made it happen was there at the same time as me and my friends. We were so lucky to experience so much good contemporary music. I guess my new found love of the blues matched my personality.

I stayed in touch with many of my friends from Leeds, at least until my bipolar disorder became a problem in later years. Friendships were dented, I hope not without a chance to mend them. I am ever the optimist. My twenties were quite miserable generally but the holidays I spent with my Leeds friends were definite high points.

I feel like I am rambling, as is my tendancy. I managed to pursue an IT career despite a thoroughly miserable home life. I remember my home life was getting gradually worse despite having good jobs and buying my first house. I think I was a prime case for getting bipolar disorder. It just didn't appear until a suitable trigger came along. If I am honest, I had some depressions that might have been a precursor. I would always pull myself together for work on a Monday. I don't think anyone was any the wiser.

Some photos of me in the late 70's to early 80's show me as a thoroughly miserable person. I always remained hopeful and this characterised much of my life. Hope and an amazing resilience. I started a blog post and I am in danger of writing a book. I just had to get it off my chest.

This was going to be chapter one of a second book. I think I have to put my history where it belongs, in the past. I have written a book and I have had two articles in local papers. I think it is time to work for mental health and not dwell on it.

Clive

9 Myths of Bipolar Disorder (Comment on Psych Central)

I appreciate someone’s effort in compiling these 9 myths. It might be good for discussion at a dinner party. I have been bipolar for 27 years at least. I agree that I am not crazy but I admit to acting crazy on occasions. I may not be on medication for the rest of my life but not many doctors would support me in stopping. I would need to be in a controlled environment. I stopped my meds twice with disastrous consequences. I never stopped because of feeling better. It was because of side effects or because my life was in turmoil. I certainly hope that something I have taken explains my weight ballooning. I would have like some examples of Atypical antipsychotoics. Finally, the tenth myth is that anyone knows a damn thing about Bipolar Disorder.

When a book is not a book (humor)

I always knew that my book didn't match up to the books in bookstores that are sold by the inch of thickness. As an infrequent reader, the huge tomes scare the hell out of me. They might look good on a coffee table but there is no way I could read one. Bipolar always made it hard for me to concentrate on my reading.

Two of my best friends called my book a pamphlet when they first saw it. I hope they were joking. They both bought one and at least one of them enjoyed it. Someone pointed out the problem of being a short book with an inappropriate price. This was due to my choosing to publish in full colour with photos. This led to an inflated retail price set by the publisher. The real problem was that I bought books based on that inflated price. I was forced to sell at a price that exceeded the final price set by Amazon UK. For a reason unknown to me, the price on Amazon US is still the retail price, twice the UK price. I guess there is a reason.

If my book is not a book, then what is it? It is certainly not a booklet or a pamphlet. They are often free. Maybe it could be a bookling or have you any suggestions? It is listed on Amazon under books so it must be a book. If it were sold in bookstores, It might be lost among the celebrity biography tomes. I have never read one, so I don't know how they fill so many pages. Maybe they use a very large font? I know celebs have fascinating lives but can they be so interesting. Dead celebs sell more books than me. How bad is that?

Do you have to be a celeb to sell books? It certainly ensures they get on TV or radio to promote their latest book. I have to find some way to become a z list celebrity. Maybe my feature in a local newspaper will grab some attention.

I promise that my second book will have a lot more words. I have to start studying a dictionary so I know a few more big words. My first book was a work of passion. I had to get it out of my head. It probably wouldn't have come out if I hadn't ridden the waves of hypomania and lived with little sleep for weeks. My book was written and published within a two and a half month period. That must be some sort of record. The book is probably so short because I was desperate to finish it. It may lack detail in places and I am happy to fill in the gaps if anyone has questions. Luckily I found a publisher, Xlibris, who went along at my breakneck speed. When I heard they had shiped my 100 books, I started sleeping on the next night. I have slept pretty well ever since. That's about two months.

Never mind the quantity, feel the quality. I don't waste many words. I think I tell my story concisely. I doubt whether I was aware of the cost implications as I wrote the book. It came out naturally at 72 pages, a perfect size for a colour book with photographs. A book of twice the size would have retailed at $70.

Book, booklet or pamphlet, it is worth £14 of anyone's money. I put my heart and soul into it and that must be worth a lot.

Regards, Clive