I have joined a new bipolar website. I am trying to support it and to help it get moving. Please check it out if you have time:
http://bipolar-forums.com/
Thanks
Showing posts with label Bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bipolar. Show all posts
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Call me a radical .... if you like....
I am really tired hearing about the inevitability of mood swings, mania in particular. Even Kay Redfield Jamison, an eminent expert in bipolar disorder, talks as though the madness is inevitable. Maybe I am out there with Tim Wootton, but I don't believe it. I suffered my first full-blown mania in 1982. Granted, my manias have never been as severe as other sufferers but the disruption was just as bad. I can honestly say that each subsequent mania has been less severe than the previous one. I don't just take it when the hypomania clutches me. I work on it and I have developed coping mechanisms.
I may have flown off on a doomed mission to work in Singapore in 1996. It wasn't the impulsive manic flight of fancy like in previous manias. It was fairly well planned and considered, but just a little crazy. It was more about the frustration in my life and career at the time. The manic edge gave me the ability to convince some poor person to employ me unseen. I never actually met the poor person because he was out of the office in my brief stay at Citibank's Singapore offices. I behaved inappropriately in Singapore before I started work and I really burnt out. I wasn't at all welcome in the office and I jumped ship back to Los Angeles. I blew a lot of money on fancy hotels but that was the extent of my mania. The crash came in a miserable depression back in England. This was after another abortive job (acquired and started in Sacramento), a spell with my mother in law, and a flight to England without warning. The depth of the later depression far exceeded the heights of the mania.
My few manic periods since 1996 have been very mild. They may have gone beyond hypomania, but only marginally. My hypomanias have been milder too. I shudder to say controlled but I felt that in 2009 as I wrote my first book. I can't claim to have conjured up the hypomania but I didn't fight it and it facilitated the writing process. I came down on the day of the books publication, two and a half months after starting writing. That was my last real period of hypomania. I have become adept at spotting the upward mood swings and I can stop them in their tracks. The only regret is that I sometimes stop genuine good feelings. I feel as though I am getting past this as I gain insight.
I have just had 5 weeks of feeling great, with the odd blip due to over tiredness. It had tinges of hypomanic behaviour but it never crossed the line. I don't delude myself and I would admit it if I was wrong. I might be deluding myself that I have found some sort of Nirvana, but I will take it for what it is. I feel somewhat normal for the first time in years, maybe forever! I have worked hard for these 5 weeks as I think earlier blog posts demonstrate. I have documented the journey and I don't think any of it could be considered "crazy". I get moments of feeling guilty for feeling so good. I worry about being in the company of others who can't accept the difference. I certainly hope the Clive of recent months and years is not the real deal. I have been all shades of depressed, hypomania, anxious, but rarely happy, cheerful, contented... Choose your own word. I could worry for England and now I don't know what to worry about. I don't know what I worried about. Everything changed over night and I can't help worrying that I might revert the same way. I hope I have worked hard enough to give me a fighting chance.
I have been reading Tim Wootton's book Bipolar in Order in the last week or so. It is based on his theory of the Bipolar Advantage. When I read that book, I thought he was crazy. I think he is crazy but he admits it and he is happy being crazy. That is his basic premise. It is not the mania, depression, hallucinations and psychosis, it is the way we treat it as being really undesirable, to be stopped at all costs with pharmacology and maybe ect. Tim lives with his mood swings and delusions. He gives lecture tours. He seems very happy, happier than most people I know.
I hope I haven't rambled on too much. It just had to come out. I hope it makes sense. I really hate to re-read blogs that came out so naturally (without thought). Funny how my vocabulary improves when I am like this, maybe even my spelling.
As usual comments are much appreciated.
Clive
I may have flown off on a doomed mission to work in Singapore in 1996. It wasn't the impulsive manic flight of fancy like in previous manias. It was fairly well planned and considered, but just a little crazy. It was more about the frustration in my life and career at the time. The manic edge gave me the ability to convince some poor person to employ me unseen. I never actually met the poor person because he was out of the office in my brief stay at Citibank's Singapore offices. I behaved inappropriately in Singapore before I started work and I really burnt out. I wasn't at all welcome in the office and I jumped ship back to Los Angeles. I blew a lot of money on fancy hotels but that was the extent of my mania. The crash came in a miserable depression back in England. This was after another abortive job (acquired and started in Sacramento), a spell with my mother in law, and a flight to England without warning. The depth of the later depression far exceeded the heights of the mania.
My few manic periods since 1996 have been very mild. They may have gone beyond hypomania, but only marginally. My hypomanias have been milder too. I shudder to say controlled but I felt that in 2009 as I wrote my first book. I can't claim to have conjured up the hypomania but I didn't fight it and it facilitated the writing process. I came down on the day of the books publication, two and a half months after starting writing. That was my last real period of hypomania. I have become adept at spotting the upward mood swings and I can stop them in their tracks. The only regret is that I sometimes stop genuine good feelings. I feel as though I am getting past this as I gain insight.
I have just had 5 weeks of feeling great, with the odd blip due to over tiredness. It had tinges of hypomanic behaviour but it never crossed the line. I don't delude myself and I would admit it if I was wrong. I might be deluding myself that I have found some sort of Nirvana, but I will take it for what it is. I feel somewhat normal for the first time in years, maybe forever! I have worked hard for these 5 weeks as I think earlier blog posts demonstrate. I have documented the journey and I don't think any of it could be considered "crazy". I get moments of feeling guilty for feeling so good. I worry about being in the company of others who can't accept the difference. I certainly hope the Clive of recent months and years is not the real deal. I have been all shades of depressed, hypomania, anxious, but rarely happy, cheerful, contented... Choose your own word. I could worry for England and now I don't know what to worry about. I don't know what I worried about. Everything changed over night and I can't help worrying that I might revert the same way. I hope I have worked hard enough to give me a fighting chance.
I have been reading Tim Wootton's book Bipolar in Order in the last week or so. It is based on his theory of the Bipolar Advantage. When I read that book, I thought he was crazy. I think he is crazy but he admits it and he is happy being crazy. That is his basic premise. It is not the mania, depression, hallucinations and psychosis, it is the way we treat it as being really undesirable, to be stopped at all costs with pharmacology and maybe ect. Tim lives with his mood swings and delusions. He gives lecture tours. He seems very happy, happier than most people I know.
I hope I haven't rambled on too much. It just had to come out. I hope it makes sense. I really hate to re-read blogs that came out so naturally (without thought). Funny how my vocabulary improves when I am like this, maybe even my spelling.
As usual comments are much appreciated.
Clive
Thursday, 20 January 2011
The Frustration of Feeling Better
The really frustrating thing about battling up mood swings and feeling better. It seems such a change that even your friends and family back off. That's the very thing you don't need and the danger is you isolate more, either isolate or go off the rails. This has never been so clear to me. It is no wonder isolation and loneliness are such big problems for those with Bipolar Disorder. Even doctors back off to some extent. Thanks for listening !
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Not pushed my book in a while...
I am sorry to advertise my own book but no one else will do it. I wrote my autobiography, mostly as it relates to bipolar disorder. I am not going to make any money out of it, in fact it has cost me a lot. Being bipolar, that goes with the territory.
It is called "My Life as a Mood Swinger", written under the name Clive Wild. It was published by Xlibris in April 2009 and is available from Amazon or other good on-line retailers. I have a very limited number of signed copies if you have Paypal. Let me know at clivewild@hotmail.com .
Regards,
Clive
It is called "My Life as a Mood Swinger", written under the name Clive Wild. It was published by Xlibris in April 2009 and is available from Amazon or other good on-line retailers. I have a very limited number of signed copies if you have Paypal. Let me know at clivewild@hotmail.com .
Regards,
Clive
Saturday, 20 February 2010
Being Bipolar Part Three – Day to Day Living
As I come to this subject, I wonder if I haven’t bitten off too much. I wonder if it is too vague. I keep saying that there should be more written about the mundane day to day experiences of being bipolar or maybe the experiences of having any long term mental illness. I only have experience of Bipolar Disorder but I am sure there are similar struggles or even worse struggles with illnesses such as schizophrenia.
I have asked myself what my life would be like if I wasn’t Bipolar. It is very hard to know because my experience spans almost 28 years. If I am honest, I was suffering symptoms way before that. I have effectively been bipolar for ever, at least as long as I remember. I think that there maybe too much emphasis is placed on first symptoms and diagnosis. First symptoms only come to light when they are severe enough to require treatment. In my case, it was a long journey to diagnosis from the first severe symptoms, in my case a manic episode.
I am trying to write about how it is to be a “stable” bipolar sufferer. I know this term is not generally liked. It is liked as much as “normal”. I talk about “stable” as living with good self management skills and medication that takes away the extreme symptoms. It may mean you can pursue a career but more likely it means you can get on with your life with limited intervention. I know some sufferers will continue to have episodes of depression or mania.
Being Bipolar means that you have to live with a regime of medication and psychiatric support. My psychiatric support is four-monthly appointments with a psychiatrist. Most times I could manage without but it is probably best not too drop off the radar completely. My GP handles prescriptions of psychiatric meds but they only do what the psychiatrist tells them. Even though I take meds every bedtime and every morning, I still sometimes forget. Things happen to distract you I guess. The best laid plans sometimes fail. Prescriptions in my case are monthly. This means I have to order my new month’s supply at the appropriate time. Here again I have a system. It works well but I can still occasionally forget and leave it a little late.
We sometimes do travel like “normal” people, although some people suggest that we shouldn’t travel. We might have a manic episode and do something illegal (I am joking!). If we do travel, we have the additional stress of making sure we have enough meds. We might have to arrange to get a new month’s supply early. Stress is the last thing that bipolar sufferers need and travelling becomes difficult. There is also the issue of pre-conditions on travel insurance. Most vanilla insurances would probably exclude treatment for bipolar disorder. There are specialist companies that offer insurance for people with long term illnesses. I’m sure it is normally more expensive. Charities like MDF help with such matters.
Very few bipolar sufferers continue a meaningful career. As in my case, the illness eventually gets the better of you and you end up on disability. Eventually you might leave a job or several jobs, sometimes with no warning. The result is that your resume or CV is trashed. It doesn’t need a brain surgeon to realize that you have problems. It probably wouldn’t matter that you hadn’t declared your illness. Whether or not you declare your illness on job applications is another major stress for bipolar sufferers. This dilemma also applies to other life situations. Do you declare your illness to new people or groups that you encounter in life? I have tried to be particularly open about my illness but I sometimes wonder what the cost is. I am beginning to think that I should be more selective in who I tell. We are in danger of stigmatizing ourselves if we are totally open. I will try to address stigma in a future part of this blog.
I have talked about social isolation. A lot of bipolar people live in isolation and tend to isolate them self even more. This leads to extreme loneliness. Even the best of friends will back off. No one wants to socialize with a crazy person. Maybe I am generalising too much. My social diary is not exactly overflowing with activities. I admit that it is very much due to the fact that I don’t reach out myself. Maybe fear of rejection or agoraphobia. Sufferers do lose a lot of friends or at best they become acquaintances. They become tired of apologising or trying to mend bridges. I constantly try to work out why I am so reluctant to leave the safety of my small flat. I don’t think I suffer from agoraphobia. I am not talking about major socialisation, just the odd person coming round for coffee or meeting you in town for coffee. The only people who might drop in at my flat are fellow sufferers. I “never” drop in at anyone else’s place. My slimming world meetings are my only social outlet. I also meet other sufferers at mental health related meetings or events.
For me personally, the worse thing about day to day living with bipolar is the uncertainty of how you will wake up each morning. Before this is the uncertainty of how you will sleep. Will you sleep 6 hours or 12 hours? Will you have weird and maybe lucid dreams due to the medication? Will you be able to carry out the plans you have made for the upcoming day? It is very tempting not to make plans because you may not be able to make it on the day. You might worry as I did about making it to your own birthday party. How do you explain that you are not up to it and your friends should carry on without you? Do you invite other sufferers to such occasions, even if you doubt whether they will make it? You might be stigmatising them either way.
Apart from the trouble of waking up in a difficult mood, there is sometimes the thing called rapid mood swings, where your mood can switch suddenly several times in a day for no apparent reason. Even worse is the mixed state, where you can experience up and down moods at the same time. You might start a day quite well and suddenly be unable to function. The reverse can happen when you start a day down and suddenly be fine for no reason. The danger here is that you make plans based on the morning mood. The afternoon mood maybe better or worse but you have already made the plans. It makes you seem very unreliable.
A lot of time is spent on self management, keeping well if you like. When any kind of extreme mood is experienced, we do our best to handle it. It is relatively easy to handle the upswings if you can spot them in the first place. I think that having years of experience gives you the insight to spot and handle the swings. This is best done at the early hypomania stage. When you hit full blown mania, you have pretty well lost control and you are away with the fairies. Depression or depressive episodes are notoriously hard to handle. Everything can seem so hopeless and it is hard to carry out a plan. I have not suffered much from depression and I can’t say whether insight improves. I can’t say if it gets any easier to handle. I defer to others who suffer more depression.
I have asked myself what my life would be like if I wasn’t Bipolar. It is very hard to know because my experience spans almost 28 years. If I am honest, I was suffering symptoms way before that. I have effectively been bipolar for ever, at least as long as I remember. I think that there maybe too much emphasis is placed on first symptoms and diagnosis. First symptoms only come to light when they are severe enough to require treatment. In my case, it was a long journey to diagnosis from the first severe symptoms, in my case a manic episode.
I am trying to write about how it is to be a “stable” bipolar sufferer. I know this term is not generally liked. It is liked as much as “normal”. I talk about “stable” as living with good self management skills and medication that takes away the extreme symptoms. It may mean you can pursue a career but more likely it means you can get on with your life with limited intervention. I know some sufferers will continue to have episodes of depression or mania.
Being Bipolar means that you have to live with a regime of medication and psychiatric support. My psychiatric support is four-monthly appointments with a psychiatrist. Most times I could manage without but it is probably best not too drop off the radar completely. My GP handles prescriptions of psychiatric meds but they only do what the psychiatrist tells them. Even though I take meds every bedtime and every morning, I still sometimes forget. Things happen to distract you I guess. The best laid plans sometimes fail. Prescriptions in my case are monthly. This means I have to order my new month’s supply at the appropriate time. Here again I have a system. It works well but I can still occasionally forget and leave it a little late.
We sometimes do travel like “normal” people, although some people suggest that we shouldn’t travel. We might have a manic episode and do something illegal (I am joking!). If we do travel, we have the additional stress of making sure we have enough meds. We might have to arrange to get a new month’s supply early. Stress is the last thing that bipolar sufferers need and travelling becomes difficult. There is also the issue of pre-conditions on travel insurance. Most vanilla insurances would probably exclude treatment for bipolar disorder. There are specialist companies that offer insurance for people with long term illnesses. I’m sure it is normally more expensive. Charities like MDF help with such matters.
Very few bipolar sufferers continue a meaningful career. As in my case, the illness eventually gets the better of you and you end up on disability. Eventually you might leave a job or several jobs, sometimes with no warning. The result is that your resume or CV is trashed. It doesn’t need a brain surgeon to realize that you have problems. It probably wouldn’t matter that you hadn’t declared your illness. Whether or not you declare your illness on job applications is another major stress for bipolar sufferers. This dilemma also applies to other life situations. Do you declare your illness to new people or groups that you encounter in life? I have tried to be particularly open about my illness but I sometimes wonder what the cost is. I am beginning to think that I should be more selective in who I tell. We are in danger of stigmatizing ourselves if we are totally open. I will try to address stigma in a future part of this blog.
I have talked about social isolation. A lot of bipolar people live in isolation and tend to isolate them self even more. This leads to extreme loneliness. Even the best of friends will back off. No one wants to socialize with a crazy person. Maybe I am generalising too much. My social diary is not exactly overflowing with activities. I admit that it is very much due to the fact that I don’t reach out myself. Maybe fear of rejection or agoraphobia. Sufferers do lose a lot of friends or at best they become acquaintances. They become tired of apologising or trying to mend bridges. I constantly try to work out why I am so reluctant to leave the safety of my small flat. I don’t think I suffer from agoraphobia. I am not talking about major socialisation, just the odd person coming round for coffee or meeting you in town for coffee. The only people who might drop in at my flat are fellow sufferers. I “never” drop in at anyone else’s place. My slimming world meetings are my only social outlet. I also meet other sufferers at mental health related meetings or events.
For me personally, the worse thing about day to day living with bipolar is the uncertainty of how you will wake up each morning. Before this is the uncertainty of how you will sleep. Will you sleep 6 hours or 12 hours? Will you have weird and maybe lucid dreams due to the medication? Will you be able to carry out the plans you have made for the upcoming day? It is very tempting not to make plans because you may not be able to make it on the day. You might worry as I did about making it to your own birthday party. How do you explain that you are not up to it and your friends should carry on without you? Do you invite other sufferers to such occasions, even if you doubt whether they will make it? You might be stigmatising them either way.
Apart from the trouble of waking up in a difficult mood, there is sometimes the thing called rapid mood swings, where your mood can switch suddenly several times in a day for no apparent reason. Even worse is the mixed state, where you can experience up and down moods at the same time. You might start a day quite well and suddenly be unable to function. The reverse can happen when you start a day down and suddenly be fine for no reason. The danger here is that you make plans based on the morning mood. The afternoon mood maybe better or worse but you have already made the plans. It makes you seem very unreliable.
A lot of time is spent on self management, keeping well if you like. When any kind of extreme mood is experienced, we do our best to handle it. It is relatively easy to handle the upswings if you can spot them in the first place. I think that having years of experience gives you the insight to spot and handle the swings. This is best done at the early hypomania stage. When you hit full blown mania, you have pretty well lost control and you are away with the fairies. Depression or depressive episodes are notoriously hard to handle. Everything can seem so hopeless and it is hard to carry out a plan. I have not suffered much from depression and I can’t say whether insight improves. I can’t say if it gets any easier to handle. I defer to others who suffer more depression.
Friday, 19 February 2010
Being Bipolar Part Two – Social Isolation
Social Isolation is probably one of the worst things about living as a “stable” Bipolar sufferer. I am talking about someone whose meds do the job and they have good self management skills. They just want to get on with their life. It is well known that most bipolars will not return to their chosen career. Most of them will find it hard to get any employment. I know this from my own situation. I feel like I was on the scrap heap at 57.
The bottom line is that many bipolars have a lot of time on their hands. Some find meaningful volunteering opportunities. Some have access to resource cafes or drop-in centres. Some spend their time on social networking sites. Some will write or blog. Most activities seem to be ways of killing time.
My perspective is as someone who lives alone. I sometimes go for several days without seeing another person. Sometimes the only person I see is the supermarket checkout lady. I am socially isolated. I can’t blame this on the illness but it certainly reinforces it. I value my weekly Slimming World group. I try hard to make it every week because it one “normal” activity in my life. I was never good at socialisation, even in the years before I was labelled as bipolar. When I was married, it was not so much of a problem. That smacks of codependancy. I have been separated for about 10 years and I am back to living alone. I always relied on my workplaces for my socialisation. In the last ten years, I have hardly worked.
I tend to isolate myself. I am not sure whether it is connected with being bipolar. There might be a subconscious desire not to make new friends. The illness has cost me so many friendships. I got tired of explaining and apologising. It might seem convenient to avoid building new relationships.
I don’t reach out to friends. I don’t even reach out to on-line friends who I have never met face-to-face. That is something I have to work on. I seem to have acquaintances rather than friends. I see a friend as someone you meet occasionally, maybe for a pint or a coffee. A friend will come round to visit, call on the phone or join you for a restaurant meal. I have lots of “friends” on Facebook or Twitter. I would class most of them as acquaintances. 99% of them are too far away for socialising. I have rarely had friends as I described. It doesn’t help that I have an apparent phobia about using the phone. Don’t get me wrong. I like people and I like to be with them. It is possible that my social isolation is more to do with my personal character than it is do with being bipolar. Bipolar just adds a few more challenges to the task.
I would like to hear about other people’s perspective on social isolation. I know it is a big issue for Bipolars. My experience might be different because of my background and life experiences.
I always struggle when I am asked “What do you Like to Do?”. People will suggest that I join a club or something. Maybe I am boring, but I am rarely interested in what is on offer. I am very good at finding excuses not to do certain things. I am so focussed on my weight loss that I avoid activities that involve eating or drinking. That cuts out a lot of social activities. I am in touch with a walking group. I have never gone with them. I have plenty of excuses. The first and valid excuse was that they walk too far. That was true but maybe not any more. I would need a lift to get to most walks. I hate relying on lifts. They usually eat in a pub after the walks. I have so many possible excuses in my head. It is not surprising I haven’t been yet. They do have social activities apart from the walking.
I always like to be open about my illness. I am realizing that it not always the best policy when joining in “normal” activities. Maybe I find it uncomfortable to explain why I don’t work. I tell myself that I have retired early. It was not really by choice and I feel uncomfortable with it. It might be easier now I am sixty and holding Senior Railcard !!
I know that I have to get out more. Making friends might happen from that. I have to use my free bus pass for fun rather than attending appointments. I can now get reduced rail fares. I can swim for free once I get a card. I have started to keep a weekly schedule and I have bought a desk diary. They are helping a lot. I now need to schedule some fun stuff and stick to it.
I guess that I saying that my social isolation was always there. Being Bipolar has added to the mix and created some more challenges. I think I have rambled on enough for one blog.
The bottom line is that many bipolars have a lot of time on their hands. Some find meaningful volunteering opportunities. Some have access to resource cafes or drop-in centres. Some spend their time on social networking sites. Some will write or blog. Most activities seem to be ways of killing time.
My perspective is as someone who lives alone. I sometimes go for several days without seeing another person. Sometimes the only person I see is the supermarket checkout lady. I am socially isolated. I can’t blame this on the illness but it certainly reinforces it. I value my weekly Slimming World group. I try hard to make it every week because it one “normal” activity in my life. I was never good at socialisation, even in the years before I was labelled as bipolar. When I was married, it was not so much of a problem. That smacks of codependancy. I have been separated for about 10 years and I am back to living alone. I always relied on my workplaces for my socialisation. In the last ten years, I have hardly worked.
I tend to isolate myself. I am not sure whether it is connected with being bipolar. There might be a subconscious desire not to make new friends. The illness has cost me so many friendships. I got tired of explaining and apologising. It might seem convenient to avoid building new relationships.
I don’t reach out to friends. I don’t even reach out to on-line friends who I have never met face-to-face. That is something I have to work on. I seem to have acquaintances rather than friends. I see a friend as someone you meet occasionally, maybe for a pint or a coffee. A friend will come round to visit, call on the phone or join you for a restaurant meal. I have lots of “friends” on Facebook or Twitter. I would class most of them as acquaintances. 99% of them are too far away for socialising. I have rarely had friends as I described. It doesn’t help that I have an apparent phobia about using the phone. Don’t get me wrong. I like people and I like to be with them. It is possible that my social isolation is more to do with my personal character than it is do with being bipolar. Bipolar just adds a few more challenges to the task.
I would like to hear about other people’s perspective on social isolation. I know it is a big issue for Bipolars. My experience might be different because of my background and life experiences.
I always struggle when I am asked “What do you Like to Do?”. People will suggest that I join a club or something. Maybe I am boring, but I am rarely interested in what is on offer. I am very good at finding excuses not to do certain things. I am so focussed on my weight loss that I avoid activities that involve eating or drinking. That cuts out a lot of social activities. I am in touch with a walking group. I have never gone with them. I have plenty of excuses. The first and valid excuse was that they walk too far. That was true but maybe not any more. I would need a lift to get to most walks. I hate relying on lifts. They usually eat in a pub after the walks. I have so many possible excuses in my head. It is not surprising I haven’t been yet. They do have social activities apart from the walking.
I always like to be open about my illness. I am realizing that it not always the best policy when joining in “normal” activities. Maybe I find it uncomfortable to explain why I don’t work. I tell myself that I have retired early. It was not really by choice and I feel uncomfortable with it. It might be easier now I am sixty and holding Senior Railcard !!
I know that I have to get out more. Making friends might happen from that. I have to use my free bus pass for fun rather than attending appointments. I can now get reduced rail fares. I can swim for free once I get a card. I have started to keep a weekly schedule and I have bought a desk diary. They are helping a lot. I now need to schedule some fun stuff and stick to it.
I guess that I saying that my social isolation was always there. Being Bipolar has added to the mix and created some more challenges. I think I have rambled on enough for one blog.
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Being Bipolar Part One
I'm sorry I haven't blogged much lately. I started blogging just over a year ago. I had the possible advantage of being slightly hypomanic at the time. In my book, I chronicled my life as affected by being Bipolar. I talked more about the extreme behaviour. Whenever I hear a sufferer talking about bipolar, they are always encouraged to describe the more extreme behaviours because it sexier somehow. Maybe it might sell more newspapers or magazines, or maybe get more listeners and viewers. I think it is more important to talk about the day to day struggle of sufferers, the search for hope, the search for wellness, stability and recovery. Recovery is the Holy Grail of the Mental Health system. Why does no one talk about it? Recovery is good for sufferers and reduces the burden on Health Services. Doctors seem to focus on stability but it is rare for anyone to monitor the road to recovery. You can't just stamp someone as "stable" and let them wander off into society. They will have issues such as getting back to work (if they are very lucky), combatting social isolation and living with the stigma of being mentally ill. Services such as resource cafes or drop-in centres are encouraged to offer a temporary place to go. There are few, if any, places to go once they are more "stable". I hope to talk more about the struggles of "stable" sufferers and my personal struggle to recovery.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
The transient nature of moods
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Just been thinking about mood swings and how they are not based in reality. Here are my thoughts.
Unfortunately, I don’t seem to inspire myself. I give the impression of being “together” and quite motivated. Nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe it is my Bipolar Disorder but I can get false moods, both positive and negative. Moods based on mood swings can be very fragile, in my experience. I am very good at over thinking and killing a good mood. Equally I can think myself into a good mood but this is somewhat more rare.
I am not happy with my situation in reality. If my mood starts to dip, I start to dwell more on reality and this reinforces my down mood and brings in anxiety. I wish my moods were more in tune with the reality of my life. It is sometimes nice to feel good for no real reason but it can be very wearing. Feeling bad for no reason is much more destructive. Despite being largely stable, I think I live with these ongoing effects of Bipolar Disorder.
It makes it very hard to stay in touch with reality. I need to make changes in my life or maybe I need to get a life. When I feel irrationally happy, I don’t feel like I need to do anything. I just float through life. If I feel irrationally down, I am too busy worrying to do anything about my life. I don’t seem to have any middle ground which might be considered “normal”. I think the concept of normality is alien to Bipolar sufferers. I don’t know how other sufferers feel about this. I am just thinking out loud.
I am convinced that this inability to be “normal” makes counselling very difficult, at least in my experience. It also affects my dealings with doctors. If I feel good, I lose touch with my issues. If I feel down, I just can’t be bothered.
Unfortunately, I don’t seem to inspire myself. I give the impression of being “together” and quite motivated. Nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe it is my Bipolar Disorder but I can get false moods, both positive and negative. Moods based on mood swings can be very fragile, in my experience. I am very good at over thinking and killing a good mood. Equally I can think myself into a good mood but this is somewhat more rare.
I am not happy with my situation in reality. If my mood starts to dip, I start to dwell more on reality and this reinforces my down mood and brings in anxiety. I wish my moods were more in tune with the reality of my life. It is sometimes nice to feel good for no real reason but it can be very wearing. Feeling bad for no reason is much more destructive. Despite being largely stable, I think I live with these ongoing effects of Bipolar Disorder.
It makes it very hard to stay in touch with reality. I need to make changes in my life or maybe I need to get a life. When I feel irrationally happy, I don’t feel like I need to do anything. I just float through life. If I feel irrationally down, I am too busy worrying to do anything about my life. I don’t seem to have any middle ground which might be considered “normal”. I think the concept of normality is alien to Bipolar sufferers. I don’t know how other sufferers feel about this. I am just thinking out loud.
I am convinced that this inability to be “normal” makes counselling very difficult, at least in my experience. It also affects my dealings with doctors. If I feel good, I lose touch with my issues. If I feel down, I just can’t be bothered.
Thursday, 2 July 2009
The Ultimate "Am I Bipolar?" List
If you find this list annoying, you may be Bipolar.
If you are a homicidal maniac, you may be Bipolar.
If you found it hard to sleep last night, you may be Bipolar.
If someone really made you angry today, you may be Bipolar.
If you are breathing, you may be Bipolar.
If you are left-handed, you may be Bipolar.
If you act a bit odd sometimes, you may be Bipolar.
If you are not always yourself, you may be Bipolar.
If you are a famous celebrity, you are almost certainly Bipolar.
If you think this list is going on too long, you are probably right.
If you think this is amusing, there is some hope for you, Bipolar or not.
If you are a homicidal maniac, you may be Bipolar.
If you found it hard to sleep last night, you may be Bipolar.
If someone really made you angry today, you may be Bipolar.
If you are breathing, you may be Bipolar.
If you are left-handed, you may be Bipolar.
If you act a bit odd sometimes, you may be Bipolar.
If you are not always yourself, you may be Bipolar.
If you are a famous celebrity, you are almost certainly Bipolar.
If you think this list is going on too long, you are probably right.
If you think this is amusing, there is some hope for you, Bipolar or not.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Family, friends and phobia of making phone calls.
I worry a lot about friendships that have gone by the wayside. I always made online friends easier than real world friends. Then again, cyberspace might be called my "real" world. The manic episodes that I suffered were few but they damaged friendships each time. I sometimes tried to apologise and explain myself but it was futile. I have made a number of friendships over the years and none of them are in good shape. It is a form of personal stigma. No one wants to deal with a "mad" person.
Like many things in my life, I do not set myself too many goals, for fear of disappointment and the resultant anxiety. I have calmed my anxiety by never expecting too much of myself and others. I think that I avoid going out much to avoid difficult situations. I will not make real world friends if I carry on that approach.
I always thought I had a small family. This was true in terms of close family. Since my mom died two years ago, I have my brother and his wife. I hardly see cousins at all. My brother and his wife seem not to be interested in my illness or the book I have written. I find this incredibly sad. I have found numerous cousins through my genealogy efforts. Without my brother and his wife, I would have no close family. They say you don't choose your family but you choose your friends. That is so true. In a way, I have to let go of any hopes of a relationship that will never exist. I don't have much in common with my brother and my sister-in-law. Things like this will hold me in the past but it is hard to move on. My story has gone a long way to free me from the past.
I think bipolars tend to get on better with new friends, those they met after the illness, even if they are fully aware of the history. I hope in time to be able to meet new people without mentioning my mental health. I hope I can be enlightened enough to make it a non-issue. I may work for bipolar and mental health but it will not define me.
I sometimes think that being bipolar makes me too intense as a person. I seem to talk about mental health issues to the exclusion of anything else. This is because my life doesn't have much else. I think I have to work on this. My attempts to lose weight and get fitter are giving me a new direction. Working on my diet and attending Slimming World have been good for me. My fridge is a wonder to behold. I am almost domesticated and making a lot of my own food. I feel a lot better for the healthier food and I have lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks of the program. My analytical mind is well suited to following a regimented program.. I still have trouble knowing what to eat on any particular day.
I do have a phobia of making phone calls or initiating messenger conversations. Once I start, I am fine. I found this a problem when I had to make a series of cold calls as part of my job. I usually managed it but I was not comfortable. I rely on friends to call me and that is not fair. If I force myself to do it, I don't have a genuine reason for calling. I do care about everyone but I don't always show it. I enjoy emails and I get my message across quite well. I enjoy online chats on a one to one basis. I seem to have the ability to make people feel better. I don't have the ability to engage fully and be their friend.
I have a lot to work on. My press release for the book will hopefully generate some interest in me and the book. I'll talk to anyone but I just don't get much practise. I have to be prepared to talk to anyone on whatever medium. I have that confidence now but the proof is in the doing.
I am sorry if I rambled a bit as I am inclined to do.
Take Care,
Clive
Like many things in my life, I do not set myself too many goals, for fear of disappointment and the resultant anxiety. I have calmed my anxiety by never expecting too much of myself and others. I think that I avoid going out much to avoid difficult situations. I will not make real world friends if I carry on that approach.
I always thought I had a small family. This was true in terms of close family. Since my mom died two years ago, I have my brother and his wife. I hardly see cousins at all. My brother and his wife seem not to be interested in my illness or the book I have written. I find this incredibly sad. I have found numerous cousins through my genealogy efforts. Without my brother and his wife, I would have no close family. They say you don't choose your family but you choose your friends. That is so true. In a way, I have to let go of any hopes of a relationship that will never exist. I don't have much in common with my brother and my sister-in-law. Things like this will hold me in the past but it is hard to move on. My story has gone a long way to free me from the past.
I think bipolars tend to get on better with new friends, those they met after the illness, even if they are fully aware of the history. I hope in time to be able to meet new people without mentioning my mental health. I hope I can be enlightened enough to make it a non-issue. I may work for bipolar and mental health but it will not define me.
I sometimes think that being bipolar makes me too intense as a person. I seem to talk about mental health issues to the exclusion of anything else. This is because my life doesn't have much else. I think I have to work on this. My attempts to lose weight and get fitter are giving me a new direction. Working on my diet and attending Slimming World have been good for me. My fridge is a wonder to behold. I am almost domesticated and making a lot of my own food. I feel a lot better for the healthier food and I have lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks of the program. My analytical mind is well suited to following a regimented program.. I still have trouble knowing what to eat on any particular day.
I do have a phobia of making phone calls or initiating messenger conversations. Once I start, I am fine. I found this a problem when I had to make a series of cold calls as part of my job. I usually managed it but I was not comfortable. I rely on friends to call me and that is not fair. If I force myself to do it, I don't have a genuine reason for calling. I do care about everyone but I don't always show it. I enjoy emails and I get my message across quite well. I enjoy online chats on a one to one basis. I seem to have the ability to make people feel better. I don't have the ability to engage fully and be their friend.
I have a lot to work on. My press release for the book will hopefully generate some interest in me and the book. I'll talk to anyone but I just don't get much practise. I have to be prepared to talk to anyone on whatever medium. I have that confidence now but the proof is in the doing.
I am sorry if I rambled a bit as I am inclined to do.
Take Care,
Clive
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Getting heard by various organisations
My book is now published. I really need a supply of books before I can seriously promote it. I hope they will arive in a couple of weeks. I have found several organisations that will accept a copy for their review.
I have been contacting various organisations, TV stations, radio stations, magazines and mental health charities. I have yet to get anything except for a polite automatic reply.
I am upset to see any old celeb pushing their latest book on every tv programme that is going. The stigma associated with my bipolar disorder seems to stretch to the very people who claim to be anti-stigma. I am not very experienced in self promotion or marketing. I don't know much about press releases or such matters. I have dabbled in Facebook adverts and I have used Twitter to announce my book.
The most frustrating aspect is that I can't relate sales to my efforts. My publisher doesn't record sales on my web page until they fulfill the orders. My Facebook advert is yielding clicks but I really have no idea how it translates to sales if any. I must assume that getting clicks is good news. Each click takes the person to my bookstore entry. I have made an effort to ensure the book summary is quite readable and informative.
I would like to appeal to anyone who can guide me through this maze. Do you have any direct contacts within any organisations? I am not driven by sales numbers and I would be delighted to cover my costs. I am just keen that my story and my message are read by as many people as possible. I believe my book has a unique perspective on Bipolar Disorder.
Thanks,
Clive
I have been contacting various organisations, TV stations, radio stations, magazines and mental health charities. I have yet to get anything except for a polite automatic reply.
I am upset to see any old celeb pushing their latest book on every tv programme that is going. The stigma associated with my bipolar disorder seems to stretch to the very people who claim to be anti-stigma. I am not very experienced in self promotion or marketing. I don't know much about press releases or such matters. I have dabbled in Facebook adverts and I have used Twitter to announce my book.
The most frustrating aspect is that I can't relate sales to my efforts. My publisher doesn't record sales on my web page until they fulfill the orders. My Facebook advert is yielding clicks but I really have no idea how it translates to sales if any. I must assume that getting clicks is good news. Each click takes the person to my bookstore entry. I have made an effort to ensure the book summary is quite readable and informative.
I would like to appeal to anyone who can guide me through this maze. Do you have any direct contacts within any organisations? I am not driven by sales numbers and I would be delighted to cover my costs. I am just keen that my story and my message are read by as many people as possible. I believe my book has a unique perspective on Bipolar Disorder.
Thanks,
Clive
Thursday, 16 April 2009
My Book Finally Arrives
My first book, “My Life as a Mood Swinger” is now available on the Xlibris bookstore website.
http://bit.ly/Ef56T
If you are in the USA, you can order directly from Xlibris for $41.99. The higher price is due to it being a full colour book with almost 40 supporting photos. If you are in the UK, I plan to sell the books myself at a good discount. I have yet to price my copies because of the unknown postage costs. The cost will be lower than retail by a good amount.
I hope to have a supply of books in my hands by the end of May at the latest. There will be a delay in printing and then the shipping time to the UK. Once I have some books, I can explore the various shipping options. I may be able to offer a good price to the US, even after the postage back to the US.
My FaceBook group has more information on my book and associated details:
http://tinyurl.com/cvjhnf
My book is aimed at both bipolars and non-bipolars. I think it will especially help family, friends and interested others. I hope I put a human face on what is a very destructive illness. I don’t seek sympathy. I am hoping people will see me as a relatively normal and intelligent person who has been sidelined from society. I just hope to make a dent in the terrible stigma and debunk bipolar somewhat.
Enjoy the book,
Clive
http://bit.ly/Ef56T
If you are in the USA, you can order directly from Xlibris for $41.99. The higher price is due to it being a full colour book with almost 40 supporting photos. If you are in the UK, I plan to sell the books myself at a good discount. I have yet to price my copies because of the unknown postage costs. The cost will be lower than retail by a good amount.
I hope to have a supply of books in my hands by the end of May at the latest. There will be a delay in printing and then the shipping time to the UK. Once I have some books, I can explore the various shipping options. I may be able to offer a good price to the US, even after the postage back to the US.
My FaceBook group has more information on my book and associated details:
http://tinyurl.com/cvjhnf
My book is aimed at both bipolars and non-bipolars. I think it will especially help family, friends and interested others. I hope I put a human face on what is a very destructive illness. I don’t seek sympathy. I am hoping people will see me as a relatively normal and intelligent person who has been sidelined from society. I just hope to make a dent in the terrible stigma and debunk bipolar somewhat.
Enjoy the book,
Clive
Thursday, 9 April 2009
The Bipolar Personality
A lot has been written about the personality traits of Bipolar people. It usually deals with childhood and the transition to adulthood. I am more concerned with the personality of Bipolars on a day to day basis. I have been largely stable on medication for 24 years. I have only just begun to realize that I have bipolar characteristics all of the time.
On occasions, I can be highly energetic and positive. On other occasions I can be almost non-functional and in the worst of lethargy. I don't consider this to be mood swings. I am reacting to the stimuli which are either exciting or depressing. If I am feeling positive and I begin some interesting work, my energy levels lift and I work longer and faster. If I am feeling negative, everything seems hopeless. This happens more after a period of sleep deprevation. Even a poor night's sleep can leave me in a more positive state.
The worrying thing is that I believe the hopeles feelings even though I know it is a trick of the mind. The same can be true of depression. One day can be as black as it can be. Next morning, you might wake up wondering why you were depressed.
This came to my mind because of experience yesterday evening. I began to feel excrutiatingly lonely. I had not been in touch with many of my online friends and I still find it hard to reach out to friends. I reached such a miserbale state that I went to bed and pulled the covers over. That's what they call a duvet moment. I truly felt hopeless and miserable. I had four hours sleep and I woke up in a much better frame of mind.
I re-applied myself to getting more Twitter followers. I am hoping it will be one means of promoting my book. I talked to an online friend early in the week. He gave me a simple method of gaining followers. It just required time and application. I certainly had plenty of time on my hands. I followed his formula through this week and I have gained over 500 followers from a start point of 400. I have no idea whether this will help to promote my book, but it is worth a try.
I conclude that my bipolar personality can be good for me. It can equally be destructive and can lead to wallowing in despair. This is particularly difficult because I live alone and I have little contact with living breathing people. I know my online friends do both of these things but it is not quite the same.
I would be interested in anyones thoughts on this subject. Maybe we can find ways to alleviate the worst of the feelings. There must be a better solution than diving under the duvet.
Clive Wild (BipolarFella)
On occasions, I can be highly energetic and positive. On other occasions I can be almost non-functional and in the worst of lethargy. I don't consider this to be mood swings. I am reacting to the stimuli which are either exciting or depressing. If I am feeling positive and I begin some interesting work, my energy levels lift and I work longer and faster. If I am feeling negative, everything seems hopeless. This happens more after a period of sleep deprevation. Even a poor night's sleep can leave me in a more positive state.
The worrying thing is that I believe the hopeles feelings even though I know it is a trick of the mind. The same can be true of depression. One day can be as black as it can be. Next morning, you might wake up wondering why you were depressed.
This came to my mind because of experience yesterday evening. I began to feel excrutiatingly lonely. I had not been in touch with many of my online friends and I still find it hard to reach out to friends. I reached such a miserbale state that I went to bed and pulled the covers over. That's what they call a duvet moment. I truly felt hopeless and miserable. I had four hours sleep and I woke up in a much better frame of mind.
I re-applied myself to getting more Twitter followers. I am hoping it will be one means of promoting my book. I talked to an online friend early in the week. He gave me a simple method of gaining followers. It just required time and application. I certainly had plenty of time on my hands. I followed his formula through this week and I have gained over 500 followers from a start point of 400. I have no idea whether this will help to promote my book, but it is worth a try.
I conclude that my bipolar personality can be good for me. It can equally be destructive and can lead to wallowing in despair. This is particularly difficult because I live alone and I have little contact with living breathing people. I know my online friends do both of these things but it is not quite the same.
I would be interested in anyones thoughts on this subject. Maybe we can find ways to alleviate the worst of the feelings. There must be a better solution than diving under the duvet.
Clive Wild (BipolarFella)
Sunday, 29 March 2009
My Book
I began a quest to write my life story in a book. It is not an autobiography. How can I compete with all the celebs who have someone writing for them? It is about my experiences as a bipolar person. I have covered my whole life for completeness in order to give some some sort of base line. I started writing just over two months ago. I have had the advantage of not sleeping a lot and of being hypomanic. It is likely that I wouldn't have written my story without the help of my hypomania. I was able to get through some difficult parts of my life.
The publisher that I chose has been marvellous. They are professional and very prompt. I received the first set of galleys (proofs) on Saturday. I didn't know what a galley was until recently. I have found about 15 more typos (my fault) and a couple of layout issues. I am not sure if it is possible to ever read though a manuscript and be totally happy. This time the typos were all very minor but I want the best product possible. Because it is self publishing, I have to settle on a very good final script. One round of corrections must suffice.
It is exciting to see my book coming together. I already have an ISBN number and the whole thing seems real. It is good to see the first layout of the book even though it is in a pdf file.
The publisher has done a good job in placing my 39 colour photos. It makes the book come in at 70 pages. My only concern is that the retail price is set by the number of pages. Being a full colour book, the price will be higher than that of a regular paperback. I have the option of buying copies at a good author discount. This may be my best avenue. I can try my hand at some marketing.
I am pleased that I have written my story. It has pushed me into the world of publishing and it has broadened my horizons. My years of IT experience come in very useful indirectly. After all, book production is now very much a computer application.
Making money was never a big factor for me in this endevour. I can now see there may be possiblities to make money as well as getting a good message out. My first objective is to cover my up front costs. That would be satisfying in itself.
I'm sure my blogs have been different to my book's writing. They have been largely written in a spontaneous and unplanned way. I am forcing myself at the moment and I am curious to see how it compares to previous blogging.
I was amazed to find that I had blogged almost 40 pages in the last two months. I seem to have opened up a valve that had been stuck closed for quite some time. I always thought that I had stuff to say but I was such a withdrawn person. I feel like myself for the first time and I am happy in my skin. That may sound strange but it's the way it is.
Regards,
BipolarFella
The publisher that I chose has been marvellous. They are professional and very prompt. I received the first set of galleys (proofs) on Saturday. I didn't know what a galley was until recently. I have found about 15 more typos (my fault) and a couple of layout issues. I am not sure if it is possible to ever read though a manuscript and be totally happy. This time the typos were all very minor but I want the best product possible. Because it is self publishing, I have to settle on a very good final script. One round of corrections must suffice.
It is exciting to see my book coming together. I already have an ISBN number and the whole thing seems real. It is good to see the first layout of the book even though it is in a pdf file.
The publisher has done a good job in placing my 39 colour photos. It makes the book come in at 70 pages. My only concern is that the retail price is set by the number of pages. Being a full colour book, the price will be higher than that of a regular paperback. I have the option of buying copies at a good author discount. This may be my best avenue. I can try my hand at some marketing.
I am pleased that I have written my story. It has pushed me into the world of publishing and it has broadened my horizons. My years of IT experience come in very useful indirectly. After all, book production is now very much a computer application.
Making money was never a big factor for me in this endevour. I can now see there may be possiblities to make money as well as getting a good message out. My first objective is to cover my up front costs. That would be satisfying in itself.
I'm sure my blogs have been different to my book's writing. They have been largely written in a spontaneous and unplanned way. I am forcing myself at the moment and I am curious to see how it compares to previous blogging.
I was amazed to find that I had blogged almost 40 pages in the last two months. I seem to have opened up a valve that had been stuck closed for quite some time. I always thought that I had stuff to say but I was such a withdrawn person. I feel like myself for the first time and I am happy in my skin. That may sound strange but it's the way it is.
Regards,
BipolarFella
Friday, 27 March 2009
I Need to Ramble On..Led Zeppelin
Sorry folks but I seems to have gotten off the hypomanic bus for the mean time. I do feel remarkably good after four and a half hours sleep. Yesterday, my book entered the design/production stages. That was quite satisfying. I look forward to the book appearing in print by about July.
I saw my consultant pdoc on Thursday. She wants me to stay on the low dose of lithium while I am still not sleeping well. I can live with that because it's only a tiny tablet. Different to the days when I took 4 x 400mg tablets. She also advised me not to do so much in the night when I wake early. That might be a hard one. She has also referred me to the physical therapy people at the the day hospital. That is a good thing. I just can't get a handle on my weight and I I need help getting a little bit fitter. It's good that I live quite close to the hospital and I can walk there. I await the first appointment.
There seems to be a surge of interest in matters bipolar on the interweb. I know of several new initiatives that are setting up websites. James Leard has set up bipolarblues, the subject of my last blog. Colin Spencer Wood is starting up something similar in a month or so. There are also a spate of groups on FaceBook with similar objectives. We have a powerful voice but I suggest that we don't spread ourselves to thin. We need one central vehicle for fighting the bipolar cause and that of fighting mental health stigma. Maybe someone could volunteer to set up one central website. I don't have the required skills but I know we have a lot of talented people in the bipolar community. I am curious how many bipolar folk and their loved ones are floating around in cyberspace. I seem to meet so many people on Twitter and Facebook.
I sense that there is a common will to really get on top of stigma. The way forward is to demonstrate that we can be contributing and talented members of society. We only hear negative stories about bipolar folk. This is not who we are. It doesn't define us. Society may not want us in the workplace, despite Government complaining that we don't work. It's time that the government realised how hard it is to get a job. Add to that mental health and age issues and it is nigh on impossible. I am a reasonably intelligent graduate with lots of IT experience and I can't get arrested. There is a huge pool of talent out there who won't work , who can't work or who aren't allowed to work. I tried very hard to find any kind of crappy admin job. It was bad enough trying for jobs that are paying a third of my previous salary. Having to grovel for them and not getting an interview most times made it worse. I am quite a modest person but I am worth three times most wipper snappers, regardless of being mentally ill and an old fogie.
If the government wants us back to work, do something about it. Making anti discrimination laws is absolutely futile. An employer doesn't have to employ you. They see your messed up employments history or see you are a bit too old for them. They do not not have to say why they excluded you. They just say they found someone more qualified. I don't know what the solution is. Positive discrimination is not a good thing and it is not generally popular. How about employing a complete workforce of the disadvantaged ? After all, the current workforce is made up of the advantaged in society.
I am really angry that I don't really exist in the government's eyes. I am not unemployed because I am forced to self fund myself. I don't qualify for any benefits. I have to run my life and manage my finances despite being bipolar and old in the tooth. I would like to bet that I manage my finances better than anyone who is younger and working. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I must say that I am well supported by my consultant and my GP's. I was refused a CPN on two occasions. I am living in the community with no real support. No one is keeping any eye me. I go for days without human contact and I have become increasingly isolated. I survive quite well now I have found an online community, many of whom are in similar situations.
I recently watched the dvd's of "Takin' over the Asylum". It was an excellent portrayal of life in a mental hospital. That is not necessarily the story of all bipolars. The character Fergus was a typical example. Stuck with a label of Schizophrenia, a very intelligent, clever and qualified man was refused admittance to society. He ended up commiting suicide out of frustration. It is no wonder the suicide rate among bipolars is very high.
I think I have rambled on enough for one night. I hope there was some sense in what I have written. It should hopefully make you think.
I saw my consultant pdoc on Thursday. She wants me to stay on the low dose of lithium while I am still not sleeping well. I can live with that because it's only a tiny tablet. Different to the days when I took 4 x 400mg tablets. She also advised me not to do so much in the night when I wake early. That might be a hard one. She has also referred me to the physical therapy people at the the day hospital. That is a good thing. I just can't get a handle on my weight and I I need help getting a little bit fitter. It's good that I live quite close to the hospital and I can walk there. I await the first appointment.
There seems to be a surge of interest in matters bipolar on the interweb. I know of several new initiatives that are setting up websites. James Leard has set up bipolarblues, the subject of my last blog. Colin Spencer Wood is starting up something similar in a month or so. There are also a spate of groups on FaceBook with similar objectives. We have a powerful voice but I suggest that we don't spread ourselves to thin. We need one central vehicle for fighting the bipolar cause and that of fighting mental health stigma. Maybe someone could volunteer to set up one central website. I don't have the required skills but I know we have a lot of talented people in the bipolar community. I am curious how many bipolar folk and their loved ones are floating around in cyberspace. I seem to meet so many people on Twitter and Facebook.
I sense that there is a common will to really get on top of stigma. The way forward is to demonstrate that we can be contributing and talented members of society. We only hear negative stories about bipolar folk. This is not who we are. It doesn't define us. Society may not want us in the workplace, despite Government complaining that we don't work. It's time that the government realised how hard it is to get a job. Add to that mental health and age issues and it is nigh on impossible. I am a reasonably intelligent graduate with lots of IT experience and I can't get arrested. There is a huge pool of talent out there who won't work , who can't work or who aren't allowed to work. I tried very hard to find any kind of crappy admin job. It was bad enough trying for jobs that are paying a third of my previous salary. Having to grovel for them and not getting an interview most times made it worse. I am quite a modest person but I am worth three times most wipper snappers, regardless of being mentally ill and an old fogie.
If the government wants us back to work, do something about it. Making anti discrimination laws is absolutely futile. An employer doesn't have to employ you. They see your messed up employments history or see you are a bit too old for them. They do not not have to say why they excluded you. They just say they found someone more qualified. I don't know what the solution is. Positive discrimination is not a good thing and it is not generally popular. How about employing a complete workforce of the disadvantaged ? After all, the current workforce is made up of the advantaged in society.
I am really angry that I don't really exist in the government's eyes. I am not unemployed because I am forced to self fund myself. I don't qualify for any benefits. I have to run my life and manage my finances despite being bipolar and old in the tooth. I would like to bet that I manage my finances better than anyone who is younger and working. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I must say that I am well supported by my consultant and my GP's. I was refused a CPN on two occasions. I am living in the community with no real support. No one is keeping any eye me. I go for days without human contact and I have become increasingly isolated. I survive quite well now I have found an online community, many of whom are in similar situations.
I recently watched the dvd's of "Takin' over the Asylum". It was an excellent portrayal of life in a mental hospital. That is not necessarily the story of all bipolars. The character Fergus was a typical example. Stuck with a label of Schizophrenia, a very intelligent, clever and qualified man was refused admittance to society. He ended up commiting suicide out of frustration. It is no wonder the suicide rate among bipolars is very high.
I think I have rambled on enough for one night. I hope there was some sense in what I have written. It should hopefully make you think.
Thursday, 26 March 2009
Bipolar Blues Community
There is a new website in town. I encourage bipolar folk to support this new enterprise I have joined as bipolarfella. Please encourage your bipolar freinds to join as well. Let's build a good size community:
About BiPolar Blues
Aim to Combat Stigma, Misunderstanding, and Fear of Bipolar Mental Illness
BiPolar Blues is a social networking utility; it's main purpose is to provide a centralized, virtual meeting place for anyone dealing with manic depression. The ability to connect and collaborate on a global scale greatly increases ones chance of understanding the disorder and living a more balanced life. If you or a loved one were diagnosed with a Bipolar Disorder and want to learn from others experiences, then this site is for you.
Some of the topics to be discussed within the site include:
Bipolar Symptoms
Bipolar Treatment
Psychosis
Depression
Anxiety
Downfall Triggers
What helps individuals cope with Bipolar?
Bipolar and Children
http://www.bipolarblues.com
Active on Twitter as @bipolarblues
About BiPolar Blues
Aim to Combat Stigma, Misunderstanding, and Fear of Bipolar Mental Illness
BiPolar Blues is a social networking utility; it's main purpose is to provide a centralized, virtual meeting place for anyone dealing with manic depression. The ability to connect and collaborate on a global scale greatly increases ones chance of understanding the disorder and living a more balanced life. If you or a loved one were diagnosed with a Bipolar Disorder and want to learn from others experiences, then this site is for you.
Some of the topics to be discussed within the site include:
Bipolar Symptoms
Bipolar Treatment
Psychosis
Depression
Anxiety
Downfall Triggers
What helps individuals cope with Bipolar?
Bipolar and Children
http://www.bipolarblues.com
Active on Twitter as @bipolarblues
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Thoughts on lithium and other stuff
My story was never going to make a conventional book. I hope it portrays something of the bipolar mind and my sometimes chaotic life. In many respects, I am amazed that I came out of it in some sort of shape.
Before I started writing again, I was not suicidal but I had no view of the future. I didn't really care whether I woke up next day. I have written parts of my story in the past. I have inflicted it on unsuspecting friends by email on forums in various places. I never addressed the whole of my bipolar experience (at least the last 27 years). I never delved into the crevasses of my earlier years.
I had issues in spades. I knew that they were holding me back but I never found the right therapist. I find that my personality is such that I always present to professionals as up and positive. I can't access the hurt. Once I addressed my more recent issues, I felt a real inner peace come over me. The secrets of my first thirty years were holding me back. It is hard to imagine the effects of 27 years of lithium on top of that. Lithium may have kept me free of manias but did it suppress my ability to address the past?
I have no regrets. I can see that lithium has let me lead a full and mostly successful life. It is sad to say that I owe my current financial stability to my parents thrift and good planning. If my mom had not passed away in 2007, I would still be living on government handouts. I would
have been very unlikely to write my story, let alone publish it as a book. A little financial freedom and a reduction in lithium led to my writing.
I am not a writer but I have things to say, maybe things that I have wanted to say all my life. I rely on rewriting to produce something reasonably polished. I will never write flowery prose. It is the content that drives me. My mind seems to save up all sorts of stuff. I am now more able to transfer it to the computer. Thank God for spell check.
I am sure my writing is different when I am "inspired" from when I sit down to write without preconceptions. I am often writing without thought, simply transferring stuff from my brain. This reminds me of automatic writing. It is exciting and exhausting. It is usually more accurate and more insightful. This kind of writing leads me to thinking that it is connected to mild hypomania. I may have been in a heightened state for a couple of months. Alternatively, I might have been in a suppressed state for most of the past 59 years.
Most psychiatric medications come with side effects. Most are bearable. If you read the blurb that comes with medications, you would soon become paranoid. There is nothing subtle about treatment of mental illnesses. Most meds were discovered by chance after they were developed for another disease. Ironically the other illnesses do not share the stigma attached to mental health. Not many meds were designed for purpose.
Why are we as a people so scared of mental illness? Is it the fear induced as the news people delight in connecting a murder to Schitzophrenia? When did you last see the headline " Cancer sufferer murders young lady" or "Diabetic shoots up school" ? We are constantly given suggestions that mentally ill people are a danger to society. Is it not possible that their very illnesses stem from their inherent violent makeup. I have not seen any stats on the backgrounds of all violent criminals. I am sure that only a small percentage have a mental health problem.
We are right to worry about un-treated violent schizophrenics wandering the streets. We shouldn't translate this to a fear of anyone who has a mental illness. I have no remote connection to a schitzophrenic who gets life in prison for a grizzly murder. I have been in the "system" for many years and I have never met anyone who showed signs of violence.
Please can we start to treat the mentally ill amongst us with respect and dignity. It is bad enough living with a lifelong illness with out friends, family and society treating you like outcasts.
We used to treat the mentally ill with no respect in the early twentieth century. Have we come far from that? The asylums look better but how have we improved?
Before I started writing again, I was not suicidal but I had no view of the future. I didn't really care whether I woke up next day. I have written parts of my story in the past. I have inflicted it on unsuspecting friends by email on forums in various places. I never addressed the whole of my bipolar experience (at least the last 27 years). I never delved into the crevasses of my earlier years.
I had issues in spades. I knew that they were holding me back but I never found the right therapist. I find that my personality is such that I always present to professionals as up and positive. I can't access the hurt. Once I addressed my more recent issues, I felt a real inner peace come over me. The secrets of my first thirty years were holding me back. It is hard to imagine the effects of 27 years of lithium on top of that. Lithium may have kept me free of manias but did it suppress my ability to address the past?
I have no regrets. I can see that lithium has let me lead a full and mostly successful life. It is sad to say that I owe my current financial stability to my parents thrift and good planning. If my mom had not passed away in 2007, I would still be living on government handouts. I would
have been very unlikely to write my story, let alone publish it as a book. A little financial freedom and a reduction in lithium led to my writing.
I am not a writer but I have things to say, maybe things that I have wanted to say all my life. I rely on rewriting to produce something reasonably polished. I will never write flowery prose. It is the content that drives me. My mind seems to save up all sorts of stuff. I am now more able to transfer it to the computer. Thank God for spell check.
I am sure my writing is different when I am "inspired" from when I sit down to write without preconceptions. I am often writing without thought, simply transferring stuff from my brain. This reminds me of automatic writing. It is exciting and exhausting. It is usually more accurate and more insightful. This kind of writing leads me to thinking that it is connected to mild hypomania. I may have been in a heightened state for a couple of months. Alternatively, I might have been in a suppressed state for most of the past 59 years.
Most psychiatric medications come with side effects. Most are bearable. If you read the blurb that comes with medications, you would soon become paranoid. There is nothing subtle about treatment of mental illnesses. Most meds were discovered by chance after they were developed for another disease. Ironically the other illnesses do not share the stigma attached to mental health. Not many meds were designed for purpose.
Why are we as a people so scared of mental illness? Is it the fear induced as the news people delight in connecting a murder to Schitzophrenia? When did you last see the headline " Cancer sufferer murders young lady" or "Diabetic shoots up school" ? We are constantly given suggestions that mentally ill people are a danger to society. Is it not possible that their very illnesses stem from their inherent violent makeup. I have not seen any stats on the backgrounds of all violent criminals. I am sure that only a small percentage have a mental health problem.
We are right to worry about un-treated violent schizophrenics wandering the streets. We shouldn't translate this to a fear of anyone who has a mental illness. I have no remote connection to a schitzophrenic who gets life in prison for a grizzly murder. I have been in the "system" for many years and I have never met anyone who showed signs of violence.
Please can we start to treat the mentally ill amongst us with respect and dignity. It is bad enough living with a lifelong illness with out friends, family and society treating you like outcasts.
We used to treat the mentally ill with no respect in the early twentieth century. Have we come far from that? The asylums look better but how have we improved?
Thursday, 19 March 2009
Being manic... An extract from my book
Being manic
People ask me what it is like being manic. They also ask why I have lost most friends and family. I hope my friend has helped with the last question.
I don’t think anyone will understand until they live with someone who is manic. People who work with you may not have enough contact to spot the differences. The manic experience can be very isolating. Much of the activity happens at night in the hours of darkness. It only impacts friends and family when their paths cross.
Being manic is a very lonely experience because no one is going at your speed. This appears to be impatience. The manic experience varies from person to person. I can only describe my perceptions.
Floods of ideas. The manic person has lots of ideas and lots of schemes. They will pursue many of the ideas but equally they can switch boats mid-stream.
Hunger. I have experience terrible hungers when manic. Other people have indicated that they lose appetite. I had to keep plenty of burger material in the fridge for midnight snacks.
Sleep. The manic person doesn’t sleep much. This is both a precursor and a result of mania. I used to have 2 hour power naps which recharged my batteries. Management of the long dark nights is crucial in self management of the illness. It depends on your circumstances. Money or no money. Living in the city or a rural town. Fit or unfit. Car owner or not. All these factors affect your ability to use or abuse the night time hours. In LA, I would cruise freeways or hang out in 24 hour diners. The latter are the best thing invented for a manic person. At least for me. Before diagnosis, I would trawl round hospitals at 4 am.
Sex. There is definitely an increase in libido. It is ironic because mine has been absent for several years. I am not tempted to get manic to resurrect my libido, but the thought occurred to me. I have been reckless in my manic episodes. That’s all I will say.
Being in people’s faces. The manic person is always in you r face and can be very demanding. Equally, the manic person can be totally self sufficient, not bothering anyone.
Stealth mode. I could always operate without bothering people. If I felt that I had bothered friends, I would leave quietly without notice. This made sense to me but not to friends.
Empathy. The manic person lacks empathy towards friends and family. They have no sense of what their friends or family feel. They will say the most hurtful things with no idea of the impact and they don’t care. This is one of the worse things for friends and family. They know their loved one is ill but they react to the hurt just the same. It takes a special person to detach themselves from the illness.
Speed. Because the Bipolar person rushes around everywhere, there is a great risk of causing an accident. I almost hit a Police car in LA when dashing to an ATM machine.
Travel. If the Bipolar person has sufficient funds and a passport, the world is their oyster. I flew long haul three times when manic. London to USA. LA to London. LA to Singapore. The three trips all had seemingly logical reasons. In truth, they all stemmed from the mania. They all seemed perfectly logical to me at the time.
Money. Some Bipolar people spend huge sums of money. I am not a willing shopper normally, so I spend on flights, nice hotels, sex and stuff. Things you have nothing to show for.
Talking. The manic person can talk incessantly, sometimes incoherently and rarely sensibly.
Psychosis. When things get really bad, the manic person can have grad delusions such as thinking they are the son of God or that they can fly. This is obviously not healthy and hopefully ends in a section (in the UK).
Mania is well named. You are absolutely barking mad. You may not appear so to casual contacts even to friends who know you. You can be immensely charming and convincing, as in my 250 mile taxi ride with Santa’s Cars. Basically, you are not in you right mind.
People ask me what it is like being manic. They also ask why I have lost most friends and family. I hope my friend has helped with the last question.
I don’t think anyone will understand until they live with someone who is manic. People who work with you may not have enough contact to spot the differences. The manic experience can be very isolating. Much of the activity happens at night in the hours of darkness. It only impacts friends and family when their paths cross.
Being manic is a very lonely experience because no one is going at your speed. This appears to be impatience. The manic experience varies from person to person. I can only describe my perceptions.
Floods of ideas. The manic person has lots of ideas and lots of schemes. They will pursue many of the ideas but equally they can switch boats mid-stream.
Hunger. I have experience terrible hungers when manic. Other people have indicated that they lose appetite. I had to keep plenty of burger material in the fridge for midnight snacks.
Sleep. The manic person doesn’t sleep much. This is both a precursor and a result of mania. I used to have 2 hour power naps which recharged my batteries. Management of the long dark nights is crucial in self management of the illness. It depends on your circumstances. Money or no money. Living in the city or a rural town. Fit or unfit. Car owner or not. All these factors affect your ability to use or abuse the night time hours. In LA, I would cruise freeways or hang out in 24 hour diners. The latter are the best thing invented for a manic person. At least for me. Before diagnosis, I would trawl round hospitals at 4 am.
Sex. There is definitely an increase in libido. It is ironic because mine has been absent for several years. I am not tempted to get manic to resurrect my libido, but the thought occurred to me. I have been reckless in my manic episodes. That’s all I will say.
Being in people’s faces. The manic person is always in you r face and can be very demanding. Equally, the manic person can be totally self sufficient, not bothering anyone.
Stealth mode. I could always operate without bothering people. If I felt that I had bothered friends, I would leave quietly without notice. This made sense to me but not to friends.
Empathy. The manic person lacks empathy towards friends and family. They have no sense of what their friends or family feel. They will say the most hurtful things with no idea of the impact and they don’t care. This is one of the worse things for friends and family. They know their loved one is ill but they react to the hurt just the same. It takes a special person to detach themselves from the illness.
Speed. Because the Bipolar person rushes around everywhere, there is a great risk of causing an accident. I almost hit a Police car in LA when dashing to an ATM machine.
Travel. If the Bipolar person has sufficient funds and a passport, the world is their oyster. I flew long haul three times when manic. London to USA. LA to London. LA to Singapore. The three trips all had seemingly logical reasons. In truth, they all stemmed from the mania. They all seemed perfectly logical to me at the time.
Money. Some Bipolar people spend huge sums of money. I am not a willing shopper normally, so I spend on flights, nice hotels, sex and stuff. Things you have nothing to show for.
Talking. The manic person can talk incessantly, sometimes incoherently and rarely sensibly.
Psychosis. When things get really bad, the manic person can have grad delusions such as thinking they are the son of God or that they can fly. This is obviously not healthy and hopefully ends in a section (in the UK).
Mania is well named. You are absolutely barking mad. You may not appear so to casual contacts even to friends who know you. You can be immensely charming and convincing, as in my 250 mile taxi ride with Santa’s Cars. Basically, you are not in you right mind.
Monday, 16 March 2009
My story - The Conclusions
I thought my book should have a conclusion. I talk to the publisher tomorrow to get the show on the road. I am so excited and positive. I hope you find my conclusions helpful and not too preachy:
Conclusions
I have written my story for a variety of reasons. One of these was an attempt to exorcise my own demons. In this respect, I have been successful. I was always blocked on certain parts of my life. This prevented me from getting to the crux of my life. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest.
I sincerely hope that my story will be of help to fellow sufferers and their loved ones. I have gained a lot of insight over the years and I finally feel that I am the master over the illness.
I encourage all sufferers to take responsibility for their illness and their behaviour. It is a cheap shot to blame the illness for everything. It may be the root cause but it does not have to lead to chaos. You all take decisions regarding your illness. Some would say that the highs are good and hard to give up. Remember the down moods and remember the shattered friendships. It is almost impossible to build bridges after you have hurt so many people. ?It is the Illness? doesn?t cut it in the long term.
Medications don?t help everyone fully but they are a start. Please take them religiously. I have learnt over the years how to spot my mood upswings and I can take the sting out of them. It involves an interest in helping yourself. I always looked for a diagnosis and a solution. This started weeks after my first manic episode. I never sought to prolong my elated moods. They may have been intoxicating but ultimately they were destructive. In mania, you don?t empathise with others. This doesn?t mean you have to act that way in all situations.
Friends and family will be loath to support you if you do not control your illness. It is not easy but it is possible. Take responsibility.
I have just managed to prevent a hypomania from escalating into mania. I have pushed myself hard in writing this story. I think it has been worth it and I am much calmer as a result. As I approach the publishing process, I feel a great hope. Unfortunately I am exhausted. I think it is worth it because the result will help many sufferers and their families. The story had to come out. I know that because of the way I feel now.
I hope you enjoyed the story. I lived it. Good luck, everyone.
Conclusions
I have written my story for a variety of reasons. One of these was an attempt to exorcise my own demons. In this respect, I have been successful. I was always blocked on certain parts of my life. This prevented me from getting to the crux of my life. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest.
I sincerely hope that my story will be of help to fellow sufferers and their loved ones. I have gained a lot of insight over the years and I finally feel that I am the master over the illness.
I encourage all sufferers to take responsibility for their illness and their behaviour. It is a cheap shot to blame the illness for everything. It may be the root cause but it does not have to lead to chaos. You all take decisions regarding your illness. Some would say that the highs are good and hard to give up. Remember the down moods and remember the shattered friendships. It is almost impossible to build bridges after you have hurt so many people. ?It is the Illness? doesn?t cut it in the long term.
Medications don?t help everyone fully but they are a start. Please take them religiously. I have learnt over the years how to spot my mood upswings and I can take the sting out of them. It involves an interest in helping yourself. I always looked for a diagnosis and a solution. This started weeks after my first manic episode. I never sought to prolong my elated moods. They may have been intoxicating but ultimately they were destructive. In mania, you don?t empathise with others. This doesn?t mean you have to act that way in all situations.
Friends and family will be loath to support you if you do not control your illness. It is not easy but it is possible. Take responsibility.
I have just managed to prevent a hypomania from escalating into mania. I have pushed myself hard in writing this story. I think it has been worth it and I am much calmer as a result. As I approach the publishing process, I feel a great hope. Unfortunately I am exhausted. I think it is worth it because the result will help many sufferers and their families. The story had to come out. I know that because of the way I feel now.
I hope you enjoyed the story. I lived it. Good luck, everyone.
The Book Summary for my Story
This is my first cut at a summary for the publishers:
Book Summary –
This is the life story of Clive Edwards who is also the author. It is mostly about his struggle with Bipolar Disorder, firstly in finding a diagnosis and then in living with the Illness against a chaotic relationship backdrop. The story begins with a foreword which helps to educate the layman about the illness. It is critical for the reader to have some insight in order to understand some of the behaviour. Clive’s early life is described in enough detail to give a picture of his personality and character. It is possible that early experiences had an impact on his later life after he suffered from Bipolar Disorder.
Clive was a seemingly intelligent youth. His general sad demeanour led to him being an under achiever in academic work and in life generally. He drifted through until he was thirty two. The exception was a relatively happy time at University. Even there, he didn’t come out of his shell. He started an IT career and progressed to a good job as a systems programmer with Warwickshire County Council. His life was all about work and he was still at a loss in social situations.
He took a job in Saudi Arabia in an attempt to kick start his life. This endeavour was successful. The ex-pat life suited Clive and he made some good money. He managed to get to the USA for a three week vacation. He had a lot of good friends and they spent a lot of time together.
Things started to go wrong when he hurt his back later in 1982. It required surgery and it is possible that the trauma of surgery triggered his first manic episode. It was a curiosity at first but he consulted a GP. This led to a week locked in a mental ward of a hospital. Everything had gone pear shaped in a few months. While convalescing and still manic, Clive visited America again, on a whim this time. In Denver he crashed out and returned to England, barely in one piece. He returned to Saudi, saw out his contract and returned to England.
After some IT contracts, he moved to America with his first girlfriend. Within a month, Clive became manic again and quit his job. He spent several months searching for a diagnosis and a new job. He found both of these things early in April, 1983. He found a good doctor and a job with someone who would sponsor his green card. He was on medication and found stability until early 1992.
Clive had trouble with the dry mouth side effects of lithium. Early in 1992, things came to a head and he stopped the lithium. It shouldn’t be stopped abruptly. He became manic in a short time. He flew to England and disrupted the life of friends and family. After a few weeks, Clive was hospitalized. The benefit of the hospital wore off and he called to his wife to rescue him. He returned to LA and restarted work. He was totally open about his illness,
1992 was a year of riots and Clive was burnt out by November. He left his first wife and hit the single scene. He found his new girlfriend by answering a personal ad. This was how he found his first wife.
The next seven years were anything from ecstasy to chaos. This involved numerous separations, job problems, some good times and another manic episode in 1996. This led to Singapore briefly and a resulting bad depression. This led to a suicide attempt in 1997. Clive was really lucky with jobs. His ex-manager called from LA and offered him a job in LA.
Clive struggled through two years of medication problems that were not directly related to his illness. He lost a lot of time from work and hardly left the apartment on Sunset Boulevard. Eventually he left the job abruptly and moved to Mexico. This was in order to get off most of the medications. Five months on the edge of the jungle was just what he needed.
Clive returned to England yet again. Apart from another attempt to work in LA in 2000, and a short admin job in England, he has not worked since. He became a bit reclusive and found it harder and harder to get out. His life is relatively stable but uninspiring. At the time of writing, Clive has been using his Bipolar advantage to finish his story. He has refreshed his interest in cyberspace and is more positive than he has ever been. Writing his story has been enormously therapeutic.
The story is a roller coaster ride of a bipolar person struggling against the chaotic background of his personal life. Sometimes it is hard to see where one ends and one begins. Mostly Clive comes out more positive and calm than ever.
He has a good respect for the illness and he has good insight which others can benefit from. He is recovering well while realizing that it is a lifetime commitment and medication is required.
Book Summary –
This is the life story of Clive Edwards who is also the author. It is mostly about his struggle with Bipolar Disorder, firstly in finding a diagnosis and then in living with the Illness against a chaotic relationship backdrop. The story begins with a foreword which helps to educate the layman about the illness. It is critical for the reader to have some insight in order to understand some of the behaviour. Clive’s early life is described in enough detail to give a picture of his personality and character. It is possible that early experiences had an impact on his later life after he suffered from Bipolar Disorder.
Clive was a seemingly intelligent youth. His general sad demeanour led to him being an under achiever in academic work and in life generally. He drifted through until he was thirty two. The exception was a relatively happy time at University. Even there, he didn’t come out of his shell. He started an IT career and progressed to a good job as a systems programmer with Warwickshire County Council. His life was all about work and he was still at a loss in social situations.
He took a job in Saudi Arabia in an attempt to kick start his life. This endeavour was successful. The ex-pat life suited Clive and he made some good money. He managed to get to the USA for a three week vacation. He had a lot of good friends and they spent a lot of time together.
Things started to go wrong when he hurt his back later in 1982. It required surgery and it is possible that the trauma of surgery triggered his first manic episode. It was a curiosity at first but he consulted a GP. This led to a week locked in a mental ward of a hospital. Everything had gone pear shaped in a few months. While convalescing and still manic, Clive visited America again, on a whim this time. In Denver he crashed out and returned to England, barely in one piece. He returned to Saudi, saw out his contract and returned to England.
After some IT contracts, he moved to America with his first girlfriend. Within a month, Clive became manic again and quit his job. He spent several months searching for a diagnosis and a new job. He found both of these things early in April, 1983. He found a good doctor and a job with someone who would sponsor his green card. He was on medication and found stability until early 1992.
Clive had trouble with the dry mouth side effects of lithium. Early in 1992, things came to a head and he stopped the lithium. It shouldn’t be stopped abruptly. He became manic in a short time. He flew to England and disrupted the life of friends and family. After a few weeks, Clive was hospitalized. The benefit of the hospital wore off and he called to his wife to rescue him. He returned to LA and restarted work. He was totally open about his illness,
1992 was a year of riots and Clive was burnt out by November. He left his first wife and hit the single scene. He found his new girlfriend by answering a personal ad. This was how he found his first wife.
The next seven years were anything from ecstasy to chaos. This involved numerous separations, job problems, some good times and another manic episode in 1996. This led to Singapore briefly and a resulting bad depression. This led to a suicide attempt in 1997. Clive was really lucky with jobs. His ex-manager called from LA and offered him a job in LA.
Clive struggled through two years of medication problems that were not directly related to his illness. He lost a lot of time from work and hardly left the apartment on Sunset Boulevard. Eventually he left the job abruptly and moved to Mexico. This was in order to get off most of the medications. Five months on the edge of the jungle was just what he needed.
Clive returned to England yet again. Apart from another attempt to work in LA in 2000, and a short admin job in England, he has not worked since. He became a bit reclusive and found it harder and harder to get out. His life is relatively stable but uninspiring. At the time of writing, Clive has been using his Bipolar advantage to finish his story. He has refreshed his interest in cyberspace and is more positive than he has ever been. Writing his story has been enormously therapeutic.
The story is a roller coaster ride of a bipolar person struggling against the chaotic background of his personal life. Sometimes it is hard to see where one ends and one begins. Mostly Clive comes out more positive and calm than ever.
He has a good respect for the illness and he has good insight which others can benefit from. He is recovering well while realizing that it is a lifetime commitment and medication is required.
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