Family, friends and phobia of making phone calls.

I worry a lot about friendships that have gone by the wayside. I always made online friends easier than real world friends. Then again, cyberspace might be called my "real" world. The manic episodes that I suffered were few but they damaged friendships each time. I sometimes tried to apologise and explain myself but it was futile. I have made a number of friendships over the years and none of them are in good shape. It is a form of personal stigma. No one wants to deal with a "mad" person.

Like many things in my life, I do not set myself too many goals, for fear of disappointment and the resultant anxiety. I have calmed my anxiety by never expecting too much of myself and others. I think that I avoid going out much to avoid difficult situations. I will not make real world friends if I carry on that approach.

I always thought I had a small family. This was true in terms of close family. Since my mom died two years ago, I have my brother and his wife. I hardly see cousins at all. My brother and his wife seem not to be interested in my illness or the book I have written. I find this incredibly sad. I have found numerous cousins through my genealogy efforts. Without my brother and his wife, I would have no close family. They say you don't choose your family but you choose your friends. That is so true. In a way, I have to let go of any hopes of a relationship that will never exist. I don't have much in common with my brother and my sister-in-law. Things like this will hold me in the past but it is hard to move on. My story has gone a long way to free me from the past.

I think bipolars tend to get on better with new friends, those they met after the illness, even if they are fully aware of the history. I hope in time to be able to meet new people without mentioning my mental health. I hope I can be enlightened enough to make it a non-issue. I may work for bipolar and mental health but it will not define me.

I sometimes think that being bipolar makes me too intense as a person. I seem to talk about mental health issues to the exclusion of anything else. This is because my life doesn't have much else. I think I have to work on this. My attempts to lose weight and get fitter are giving me a new direction. Working on my diet and attending Slimming World have been good for me. My fridge is a wonder to behold. I am almost domesticated and making a lot of my own food. I feel a lot better for the healthier food and I have lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks of the program. My analytical mind is well suited to following a regimented program.. I still have trouble knowing what to eat on any particular day.

I do have a phobia of making phone calls or initiating messenger conversations. Once I start, I am fine. I found this a problem when I had to make a series of cold calls as part of my job. I usually managed it but I was not comfortable. I rely on friends to call me and that is not fair. If I force myself to do it, I don't have a genuine reason for calling. I do care about everyone but I don't always show it. I enjoy emails and I get my message across quite well. I enjoy online chats on a one to one basis. I seem to have the ability to make people feel better. I don't have the ability to engage fully and be their friend.

I have a lot to work on. My press release for the book will hopefully generate some interest in me and the book. I'll talk to anyone but I just don't get much practise. I have to be prepared to talk to anyone on whatever medium. I have that confidence now but the proof is in the doing.

I am sorry if I rambled a bit as I am inclined to do.

Take Care,
Clive

Another post from elsewhere... sort of about stigma

Amazing what a shave and a hair brushing can do. It can't erase the tired look but I do look better than Saturday. Picture banned from publication. Last night I woke at about 2am as usual but forced myself to lay down again (after I turned on the computer). I napped a further 2+ hours for a total of 6+ . My change from 100mg seroquel + lunesta (zopiclone) to 200mg seroquel seems to have paid off. I don't feel like the undead this morning. I will confine my remaining few zopiclone to the storage cupboard. Can't see me needing them. Obviously they don't suit me. I knew that but I must do as GP says. She did call me at home, so that is worth something. She was very unsympathetic after all that. Never seen her face to face. I hate that.

Self management is best. It's all we have as bipolars. It is however tricky to handle manias by yourself. It scares people so you have to. It scares doctors too. Scares me sometimes. Thank god (or higher force) for all my online friends, most of whom I didn't know six weeks ago. I am most vulnerable between 2am and 6am. Who else do you rely on? I am building a good circle of friends on Twitter and Facebook. My blog is getting more followers by the day. My only regret is that I have not got many responses about my story. I put everything into it emotionally and it may not be an easy read because of the subject matter. It is true and I encourage people to detach slightly. It was me but in a way it wasn't because of the bipolar illness That's the whole point of the book. I am not after money. I can't say I couldn't use a few quid.

My aim remains the same, to demystify, debunk and de-stigmatise Bipolar Disorder. Sufferers are people too and can be very creative. Stephen Fry is one of thousands. Given that there are estimated to be 2.4 million sufferers in the USA, it is a great loss to compartmentalise them.

I have got off the point yet again but that is another aspect of the illnes. I hope I can edit my story in such a way that it helps both new sufferers and loved ones. To loved ones, friends and family and carers, please support your bipolar sufferer and don't back off. It is only an illness like cancer and diabetes. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT , it is the ILLNESS. You can't see it like loss of hair from cancer or a cast on a broken leg, but they are suffering as much and for the rest of their lives. Meds are sometimes effective and I have been relatively lucky. However, I was smashed into the ground by lithium. I know that now I am being weaned off it.
Take care all,
Please support bipolars, the suicide rate among Bipolars is not extremely high for no reason. It is usually out of frustration, anger and desperation.

pls excuse any typos . I have no more emotional strength to do it.

Phew !!

The shameful thing that is stigma

Stigma is one of those unspoken words. People whisper " You know he/she is a bit funny, you know, in the head". It is an improvement from the early 20th century when apparently otherwise healthy folk were thrown in an asylum to rot, frequently never to be mentioned. A sister of my father was never mentioned until recent years, when my mother said something. I still don't know what happened but I hope to dig in the records. Where do I start? I do have her birth certificate.

Stigma seperates friends and family. Stigma prevents people from getting jobs and sometimes from pursuing careers. People with cancer or physical illnesses, even "D" list celebs get treated with such sympathy. Other people get no sympathy unless they are "A" list and decide to be open. Stephen Fry is a case in point. He is that good egg, bipolar by the way. Neighbours and friends don't know much but they hear things and the curtain twitching starts. Friends back off in a nice way and eventually Christmas cards stop. No amount of apologies or pleading convinces friends or family that you are just ill, like cancer sufferers. Often the suffering is worse and over a longer period. It often ends in premature death, whether self inflicted or by other reasons. Research shows that bipolars are more likely to die from a range of "normal" illnesses.

There are reputed to be 2.4 million bipolar sufferers in the US alone. That is not a small number and it should be reckoned with. Most of them don't "come out". If that is not a result of stigma, I don't know what it is. There must be many more millions around the world. China has none because they don't recognise that mental illness exists. Very sad for the many millions of sufferers in China, wherever they are.

I have no problem coming out. I have special circumstances which allow that. I do encourage anyone to be as open as they can. We have strength in numbers and a Facebook group is growing in numbers. 183 members and counting because of the hard work of Colin Wood. I do my best to promote it on Twitter but it has to grow through word of mouth referrals. Please join up if you haven't yet. Tell your friends who have mentall illness issues.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=65979655729&ref=mf

There is also a anti stigma group on FB.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shift/18052500287?ref=mf

There is a bipolar group on FB.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=47821147170&ref=mf

An excellent website for friends and family of bipolars is at :

http://www.bpff.ca/

Please help to stop stigma. I hope my bipolar story does something to help the cause by letting everyone know what I have been through in the last 27 years. No one really knows, especially my closest friends and family. My neighbour knows more about me than anyone in the world. That is sad. If you are a friend or family of someone with a mental illness, please care for them and take an interest. Please do not brush them under the carpet and never to be mentioned in polite company. Make stigma stop this year. Make your MPs, senators and congressmen hear. Make your prime ministers and presidents hear.