Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Just been thinking about mood swings and how they are not based in reality. Here are my thoughts.
Unfortunately, I don’t seem to inspire myself. I give the impression of being “together” and quite motivated. Nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe it is my Bipolar Disorder but I can get false moods, both positive and negative. Moods based on mood swings can be very fragile, in my experience. I am very good at over thinking and killing a good mood. Equally I can think myself into a good mood but this is somewhat more rare.
I am not happy with my situation in reality. If my mood starts to dip, I start to dwell more on reality and this reinforces my down mood and brings in anxiety. I wish my moods were more in tune with the reality of my life. It is sometimes nice to feel good for no real reason but it can be very wearing. Feeling bad for no reason is much more destructive. Despite being largely stable, I think I live with these ongoing effects of Bipolar Disorder.
It makes it very hard to stay in touch with reality. I need to make changes in my life or maybe I need to get a life. When I feel irrationally happy, I don’t feel like I need to do anything. I just float through life. If I feel irrationally down, I am too busy worrying to do anything about my life. I don’t seem to have any middle ground which might be considered “normal”. I think the concept of normality is alien to Bipolar sufferers. I don’t know how other sufferers feel about this. I am just thinking out loud.
I am convinced that this inability to be “normal” makes counselling very difficult, at least in my experience. It also affects my dealings with doctors. If I feel good, I lose touch with my issues. If I feel down, I just can’t be bothered.
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I only received my diagnosis recently but with hindsight have displayed bipolar symptoms probably since I was a child. So just to say - I totally agree about 'normality'. The concept for someone with bipolar just doesn't, in my view, exist.
ReplyDeleteI also hear what you're saying about talking yourself into moods. I can't do it for good moods, but I'm very skilled at the bad mood bit :-/
Anyway, I hope this is just a blip for you. It's great to hear that you are, in the main, stable, and I hope that returns for you as soon as possible.
Take care of yourself.
I like the concept of defining bipolar disorder with false moods. It's so true.
ReplyDeleteI can also relate to losing touch with one's issues when feeling good. That's why I think it's a good thing to keep notes when we're not feeling good so when we do get to the therapist we can reference those notes. I used to go to the therapist when I was manic and tell her I'm doing great, then I'd crash and she'd have no idea.
I agree with you that there is no middle ground, but it's also important to remember that even seemingly normal people don't really have a "normal."
Finally, someone who speaks the same language.
ReplyDeleteEver had a boss tell you "being sad isn't a problem?" Or had a lover give up on you?
In college, I got a job during a calm period. When I hit a low, I told the boss I had the flu and managed to keep the job for a few more months like that. But when a manic episode hit, I found myself two states away with no job and very angry professors.