The Loneliest Time

I consider myself a very lonely person. Most of my friends have backed off or disappeared because of my bipolar disorder. Some just heard about it. I just heard from a friend of 26 years and that was a relief. He was there for me before I was diagnosed. There are exceptions and I have a lot of bipolar friends. These are friends that I don't see or talk to between support group meetings. I don't do myself any favours by being so reclusive but it is self perpetuating. I have got back into the online community and it is a joy. I have reconnected with a friend who I known for a few years.

You would think that bipolar folk would be more sympathetic to bipolar friends but that isn't always the case. Being lonely in the daytime is not good but you do see people walking and driving around. There are the sounds of the day. The night time is a whole different story. It easier when you are manic because you are single minded and have your own agenda. It still gets lonely in a strange way.

I have been in some strange mixed state for several days now. I don't get the power naps of the manias. I sleep some hours but I awake exhausted in the wee hours. My days are endless apparently and by my early bedtime I am totally exhausted, almost falling over. I go to sleep and wake up before midnight sometimes. If I go back to bed, as last night, I have distinctly unpleasant dreams. Mine always seem to include getting lost. I have no idea what that means. The nights are so lonely. You can't make a noise in fear of waking the neighbours. There is no one to talk to except for online friends, many of whom i've known less than a month. They are there for me wherever they are. There is always someone awake. The world is full of people with strange sleep patterns. I wake up before most of my friends go to bed, and they are in the UK.

I don't think the muggles appreciate what it is like to suffer endless waking nights, the exhaustion, the elation, the hunger and the loneliness. No one knows or seems to care. They can't relate. That's why the friendship of other sufferers is so important. It is hard to accept but we shouldn't expect much from anyone. I hope this blog helps and triggers a discussion.

I am incredibly productive in this state. I did my weekly financial checks and ordered two weeks groceries in less that 30 minutes before 7.30am. My mind races and my fingers fly over the keyboard. I still feel exhausted. That's strange. Writing seems to spew from my brain onto the keys. This is not a urban myth. Please comment if you feel interested.

I feel like an Extra in the Thriller Video

How can you sleep, albeit 3 hours, and wake up feeling like an elephant's armpit? I'm not even manic. That might be fun but dangerous. I'm stuck in this horrible mixed state, mental energy to spare but physically exhausted. I went bed after 8pm because I was totally exhausted. I woke up before midnight. The realization is terrible. I think the pattern becomes ingrained but why can't I stay asleep. I fall asleep readily enough with the help of Seroquel. To be fair, I suffered like this before I started Seroquel in 2007. I am getting off Lithium and this may be affecting my sleep. Whatever the truth, I am determined to handle the transition. My cholesterol meds are being changed so my meds regime is in total flux. I have to give it a few weeks. These mixed states are the pits followed closely by rapid cycling. The only time I tried suicide was after a very fast period rapid cycling with several cycles in each day.

Bipolarfella