The Frustration of Feeling Better

The really frustrating thing about battling up mood swings and feeling better. It seems such a change that even your friends and family back off. That's the very thing you don't need and the danger is you isolate more, either isolate or go off the rails. This has never been so clear to me. It is no wonder isolation and loneliness are such big problems for those with Bipolar Disorder. Even doctors back off to some extent. Thanks for listening !

Weekends

Weekends do not mean much to me. I haven't worked for so long that the concept is foreign to me. People ask what I have planned for the weekend or they say Have a great weekend. My weeks are not structured enough to make weekends special. Maybe I am just a grumpy old man. Weekends are special if you are busy all week. Maybe I should be busier in the week. I think a lot of lonely people find weekends difficult. Everyone else sems to be doing stuff. It just reminds you of your lack of friends, lack of a life or just plain loneliness. Most people seem to wish the week to go faster, so they can get to the weekend. I tend to wish the weekends would go faster so I can reach the week. That is despite having few plans for the week.

I don't know why I feel different about weekends. After all, a day is just a day. I am aware of the weekend because neighbours are around in the day and doing their weekend things. It brings it home that I do even less on the weekend.

I have no idea what I am trying to say here. I guess I am depressed and lonely for a lot of the time and it can be worse at the weekend. If you have any comments, I would appreciate them. Even if you just tell me to pull myself together or get a life !! I have always struggled for most of my adult life, even when I was married. I have been trying to work out what getting a life actually means. I do not make friends easily and since I suffered from bipolar disorder, I have been very good at losing friends.

The Bipolar Personality

A lot has been written about the personality traits of Bipolar people. It usually deals with childhood and the transition to adulthood. I am more concerned with the personality of Bipolars on a day to day basis. I have been largely stable on medication for 24 years. I have only just begun to realize that I have bipolar characteristics all of the time.

On occasions, I can be highly energetic and positive. On other occasions I can be almost non-functional and in the worst of lethargy. I don't consider this to be mood swings. I am reacting to the stimuli which are either exciting or depressing. If I am feeling positive and I begin some interesting work, my energy levels lift and I work longer and faster. If I am feeling negative, everything seems hopeless. This happens more after a period of sleep deprevation. Even a poor night's sleep can leave me in a more positive state.

The worrying thing is that I believe the hopeles feelings even though I know it is a trick of the mind. The same can be true of depression. One day can be as black as it can be. Next morning, you might wake up wondering why you were depressed.

This came to my mind because of experience yesterday evening. I began to feel excrutiatingly lonely. I had not been in touch with many of my online friends and I still find it hard to reach out to friends. I reached such a miserbale state that I went to bed and pulled the covers over. That's what they call a duvet moment. I truly felt hopeless and miserable. I had four hours sleep and I woke up in a much better frame of mind.

I re-applied myself to getting more Twitter followers. I am hoping it will be one means of promoting my book. I talked to an online friend early in the week. He gave me a simple method of gaining followers. It just required time and application. I certainly had plenty of time on my hands. I followed his formula through this week and I have gained over 500 followers from a start point of 400. I have no idea whether this will help to promote my book, but it is worth a try.

I conclude that my bipolar personality can be good for me. It can equally be destructive and can lead to wallowing in despair. This is particularly difficult because I live alone and I have little contact with living breathing people. I know my online friends do both of these things but it is not quite the same.

I would be interested in anyones thoughts on this subject. Maybe we can find ways to alleviate the worst of the feelings. There must be a better solution than diving under the duvet.
Clive Wild (BipolarFella)

The Loneliest Time

I consider myself a very lonely person. Most of my friends have backed off or disappeared because of my bipolar disorder. Some just heard about it. I just heard from a friend of 26 years and that was a relief. He was there for me before I was diagnosed. There are exceptions and I have a lot of bipolar friends. These are friends that I don't see or talk to between support group meetings. I don't do myself any favours by being so reclusive but it is self perpetuating. I have got back into the online community and it is a joy. I have reconnected with a friend who I known for a few years.

You would think that bipolar folk would be more sympathetic to bipolar friends but that isn't always the case. Being lonely in the daytime is not good but you do see people walking and driving around. There are the sounds of the day. The night time is a whole different story. It easier when you are manic because you are single minded and have your own agenda. It still gets lonely in a strange way.

I have been in some strange mixed state for several days now. I don't get the power naps of the manias. I sleep some hours but I awake exhausted in the wee hours. My days are endless apparently and by my early bedtime I am totally exhausted, almost falling over. I go to sleep and wake up before midnight sometimes. If I go back to bed, as last night, I have distinctly unpleasant dreams. Mine always seem to include getting lost. I have no idea what that means. The nights are so lonely. You can't make a noise in fear of waking the neighbours. There is no one to talk to except for online friends, many of whom i've known less than a month. They are there for me wherever they are. There is always someone awake. The world is full of people with strange sleep patterns. I wake up before most of my friends go to bed, and they are in the UK.

I don't think the muggles appreciate what it is like to suffer endless waking nights, the exhaustion, the elation, the hunger and the loneliness. No one knows or seems to care. They can't relate. That's why the friendship of other sufferers is so important. It is hard to accept but we shouldn't expect much from anyone. I hope this blog helps and triggers a discussion.

I am incredibly productive in this state. I did my weekly financial checks and ordered two weeks groceries in less that 30 minutes before 7.30am. My mind races and my fingers fly over the keyboard. I still feel exhausted. That's strange. Writing seems to spew from my brain onto the keys. This is not a urban myth. Please comment if you feel interested.