Feeling very good .. is it real?

This is one of the continued frustrations of someone who suffers mood swings. What is normal? Is my mood a function of brain chemistry, be it elation, depression, anxiety or plain old blah-ness. I find myself doubting my moods and I start wondering if it will last. Will it change back as fast as it became that way. This can happen over night for no particular reason. Mood swings, as in Bipolar Disorder, are not about something. This is a common misconception of the layman. They will say "What are you worried about?” or something equally meaningless to the sufferer. I guess friends and family mean well, but they probably won't get it. It is my goal to explain this issue in a way that outsider can understand. It's not like clinical depression. The symptoms are similar but the Bipolar person is rarely depressed about something when suffering a bipolar depression. The things that someone is depressed about may be a trigger of mood swings, but it is just a trigger. The mechanism of the mood swing is down to brain chemistry.

I became so good at controlling upwards mood swings that I was in danger of suppressing natural joy. This might a price that has to be paid but it is not good for the sufferer.

Recently my whole mood and outlook changed over night. I have no clue why it happened except that I had called the crisis team on the day before. I suspect that it made me realise that I was on my own. Subconsciously, I might have processed it over night. I'll never know, but I'll take it with both hands.

Since the epiphany, I have been a bit out of sorts. I have had a lot of the characteristics of hypomania. I dash about from task to task, as if there is no time to lose. I think it is a common characteristic of most manias. At least that is my experience. I have pushed myself hard all day from waking at 2am to 4am. Straight on to the computer, getting coffee, and really buzzing. It is on and on and on, without a break. It was as though it would fall apart if I took a break. I have been chatting in excess of 15 hours a day and I have been awake much longer, 19 hours on one occasion. It is not surprising that I have been getting exhausted by early evening. My appetite has increased significantly. I feel like I need to constantly refuel myself. Thanks to my slimming world experience, I am making mostly good food choices. Monday was a slight blip. I went to the store on a mission to treat myself. I came back loaded with pizzas, bagels, croissants, bread rolls and some deli cooked meats. I went way over the top. I did freeze most of the stuff and I haven't been over indulging. I really enjoyed the half pepperoni pizza for lunch. I couldn't resist eating the rest cold in the evening. It was just one bad day and I drew a line under it.

Yesterday I tried to get ready for slimming world by cutting back on food. I think my need for fuel wasn't met and I crashed prematurely in the late afternoon. I had to cancel my plans to go to group. I laid down for a couple of hours in the early evening. I salvaged the rest of the evening and managed to stay up until about 10:30. I committed in the chat room not to go in next day until 6am. I did this by having a lie in after I woke up. I was a bit restless but I made it. I entered chat at 6:01am.

I have been pacing myself today. The day is going a lot better. If I find myself going fast, I try to rein it back a little. I left the chat room deliberately to take a break from the intensity.

I feel really good. People might say it is delusion. I have suffered from bouts of mania and hypomania. While similar, it is also very different. I am sleeping fairly normally and that doesn't happen in the manias. It feels like I have the good side of a hypomania. I get stuff done. I think clearly. Washing up rarely stays around for more than 5 minutes. I have been cooking at 100 mph. I have been doing most things at 100 mph. Each time I have suffered a mania, I have gained more insight. Each time I have handled it better. This might be the final result of that process. I certainly hope so. I would like to think I can maintain something of this state.

I hope I am not deluding myself. I have 27 years experience of being bipolar and I think that counts for something. I have a very good support system on-line and my friends will tell me off if I seem out of control. It is good that many of my recent friends have only known me like this. Preconceptions are not helpful when supporting a bipolar sufferer. Friends and family need to recognise the vast swings that can happen in personality. They need to go with the flow if possible. I don't claim that it is easy. I sometimes feel that other sufferers are the only ones who truly understand. Even psychiatrists react to the manic persona.

Sleep deprivation...first hand

I don't normally copy material from another forum, but I think it is worthwhile this time:

Another long day, and a very productive day, but I am running on the fumes. I have to sleep soon or I will crash in a big way. I have taken zopiclone with my seroquel for two nights. The only real effect was two foggy mornings. In my head that is. Tonight, now I have renewed my prescription with the new 200 mg dose, I plan to take the new 200mg of seroquel by itself. I don't think zopiclone agrees with me and my body fights it. It fights most stuff from past experience.

I really know what a zombie would feel like. After taking a self portrait yesterday, I know how one looks. I don't know what I hope to achieve here except to give you a look at the downside of hypomania and insomnia.

I keep trying to stay up late per my gp but it seems to be to no avail. My sleep arrangements are pretty good and I don't have caffeine after the afternoon. I fall asleep with no effort and I am not sure I need meds for that. Staying asleep and getting restful sleep have always been my problem.

I know I try to do too much on too little sleep but I have all the ideas right now. My neighbour came round to clean as usual. I value having someone nearby. She helped me clean up my act. She returned 2 dvd players, a vcr, and a full stereo system to the local recycling shop. She messaged me to say the stereo already had a new home! I'm glad someone else will enjoy it after my brother and myself. I now have room for my new 32 inch tv that comes on Monday. I hope I am making sense. I am typing on autopilot.

This is not the downside of bipolar. I am far from depressed although I have doubts. I hope to report soon that I have had a good night's sleep. Not much to ask.

The Wonder of Time in Cyberspace

I am drawn to online chat and stuff because it is relatively timeless. The sleep patterns of others in the world is largely so disturbed and there is always someone around. It doesn't seem to matter what your relative time zones are. It is tricky knowing what to greet with , especially when you have friends in 3 or 4 continents. Does it really matter. An Aussie night owl is equal to a pom who is up way too early. Countries like the US have multiple time zones, so they even confuse themselves.

When I can't sleep, which is nearly always, I take comfort in the fact that there is a friend out there. At times, I didn't have computer access and the nights were so lonely. I sat in a chat room a lot but it is not really my thing. I had some good acquaintances and I am still on good terms with many. Twitter rocked my world. It appeals to my bipolar brain. You can be as stimulated as you like. It is weird that with almost 300 followers and 300 + followees, it never gets uncomfortable. If someone hogs the bandwidth, I just un-follow, the same for un-real people who spout regurgitated information. It is a chat room with a volume control and tuning knob. I like that. I can follow a variety of peeps. Some titilate, some are mundane, some are deep and some are just darn right silly. I am fascinated with the things people say. It is not as trivial as you would think. The human animal has a remarkably common psyche. That's apart from the ones who speak languages I don't know!!

Another random dip into blogging. I sort of enjoy spitting out bits and pieces from my bipolar brain. I hope it entertains and provides interest.
Laterz.

Feeling Sad or maybe just exhausted

I hope this works. I have had a few error messages today.

I typed all this into a forum on bpff.ca. I see why there are no new entries! All is not lost. I cut and paste it to my blog.

I have started having heavy naps at about 2pm and I sleep 2-3 hours. I don't wake up very happy. Playing music doesn't break the fog. I have managed to stay up til 10pm for thre days straight. It hasn't helped my waking time. I have been up for almost 19 hours today. I must have something which wakes me up, whether externai or in my confused brain. I have had some odd Groundhog Day dreams and I felt like I had to wake up.

I feel a bit of an anti-climax after finishing the draft of my story. I am very happy and proud (not so much right now). I have about 16 copies out for reading and I have protected the copyright today. I have some responses and all positive. I just don't realise that everyone has busy lives and cannot dedicate time to read something. I guess I am very impatient.

I have some ideas for additions to my story where I had missed out important events. Not always bipolar related but important to the story. I need to maintain a balance otherwise I will sound like the last 27 years was totally miserable.

I have been going through a lot of photos with a view to providing more on bpff.ca. They also fit in with the story. I found a lot of happy photos.

I am rambling more than normal so I will sign off and see if this saves.

Another Voice from Beyond 9pm

Two nights in a row I have stayed awake until 10pm. I did almost crash in the early evening but I weathered the storm. My great theory about why I was waking early? It was rubbish. I thought the room was getting too warm. I have turned off all heating and just the same happened. What happens at 2am? Maybe a minor earth tremor. I know I awoke in a very odd state, sort of a Groundhog Day in my head. I just couldn't close my eyes so I got up. I have been up about 2 hours. I have been twittering to myself mostly apart from a couple of brief convos. I have played some music (on headphones) that had been blipped by other night owls. The time between 2am and 6am really gets to me. By 6am it is showing signs of getting light. I have already had breakfast and made a pot of herbal tea. The latter has replaced my coffee habit. I still allow myself one cup in the night.

I have been talking a bit on msn to balance the rather random nature of twitter. It sometimes seems like you are talking to yourself on Twitter. Especially in these hours unless the Aussies are about. It is nice to receive emails when I wake up but it is the usual spam and phishing stuff.

It's different to when I was manic in the past. Then again it is very similar. I walk around quickly with thoughts jumping occasionally. I seem to do everything fast with great impatience. I have to take not to cut myself when preparing a bagel. I am so careful not to disturb anyone. I learned to avoid noise when doing anything. This was even more keenly done in mania.

My big mania was in 1992. I called it my Flight of Fancy. I didn't go into it in my story in order to protect other people's feelings. One incident demonstrates the care to be quiet. I was staying with friends and it had gone quite well. I don't know how much they were of my illness. Eventually anyone thinks its personal and reacts. I questioned my host's faith in a rather blunt way and caused an obvious reaction. I knew I had done this and I decided to leave. I decided at about 4am. I got my things together without disturbing the house. I approached the eldest son who was about 12 years old. He was sensible and I explained the situation. I asked him to tell his parents in the morning. I left the house and made my way to a phone. I called a taxi and went to the railway station. I moved on to annoy someone else. This pattern was repeated several times during my mania.

It is a singular illness that causes friends' reactions to mask their need to care for you. That's why it causes so much trouble in families. If I can get one point across, it is that it is not personal. The personal who is ill is just that, Ill and can't help it. It takes a special person to see past the illness and care for the patient. I have had some people like that in my life and I am grateful. Some did it instinctively.

That's enough for now. I hope my nightime ramblings give a new insight into Bipolar Disorder. I am now fairly stable but I recognise that I am different even when well.

A voice from beyond 9pm

I never thought it would happen. It is passed 9.30 pm and I am still awake. I am functioning pretty well. I have chilled where possible for a few days and it is paying off. I enjoy twittering but I have to moderate it. If I go too far, my mood starts to get uncomfortable. I can see my goal of 10pm being possible. That has been my "bedtime" for quite some time. It means that I can in theory push my wakeup time out a little. I am due for a really good night or the "crash" as I call it.

I read my bipolar story straight through this evening. One thing was that there were only about 6 minor corrrections in 16 pages. It felt like someone else had written it because I wrote most of it when hypomanic in the dark of night. It felt like automatic writing. It had to be because I can't type very well. I could only write a maximum of 3 pages before feeling exhausted.

I impressed myself with my writing. That is a new sensation for me and I am very proud. I see why my neighbour enjoyed reading it. I have about 8 other people who have a copy and I hope they can also give feedback. It might not be an easy read unless you distance yourself from the subject which is 27 years in a bipolar person's life.

The Loneliest Time

I consider myself a very lonely person. Most of my friends have backed off or disappeared because of my bipolar disorder. Some just heard about it. I just heard from a friend of 26 years and that was a relief. He was there for me before I was diagnosed. There are exceptions and I have a lot of bipolar friends. These are friends that I don't see or talk to between support group meetings. I don't do myself any favours by being so reclusive but it is self perpetuating. I have got back into the online community and it is a joy. I have reconnected with a friend who I known for a few years.

You would think that bipolar folk would be more sympathetic to bipolar friends but that isn't always the case. Being lonely in the daytime is not good but you do see people walking and driving around. There are the sounds of the day. The night time is a whole different story. It easier when you are manic because you are single minded and have your own agenda. It still gets lonely in a strange way.

I have been in some strange mixed state for several days now. I don't get the power naps of the manias. I sleep some hours but I awake exhausted in the wee hours. My days are endless apparently and by my early bedtime I am totally exhausted, almost falling over. I go to sleep and wake up before midnight sometimes. If I go back to bed, as last night, I have distinctly unpleasant dreams. Mine always seem to include getting lost. I have no idea what that means. The nights are so lonely. You can't make a noise in fear of waking the neighbours. There is no one to talk to except for online friends, many of whom i've known less than a month. They are there for me wherever they are. There is always someone awake. The world is full of people with strange sleep patterns. I wake up before most of my friends go to bed, and they are in the UK.

I don't think the muggles appreciate what it is like to suffer endless waking nights, the exhaustion, the elation, the hunger and the loneliness. No one knows or seems to care. They can't relate. That's why the friendship of other sufferers is so important. It is hard to accept but we shouldn't expect much from anyone. I hope this blog helps and triggers a discussion.

I am incredibly productive in this state. I did my weekly financial checks and ordered two weeks groceries in less that 30 minutes before 7.30am. My mind races and my fingers fly over the keyboard. I still feel exhausted. That's strange. Writing seems to spew from my brain onto the keys. This is not a urban myth. Please comment if you feel interested.

I feel like an Extra in the Thriller Video

How can you sleep, albeit 3 hours, and wake up feeling like an elephant's armpit? I'm not even manic. That might be fun but dangerous. I'm stuck in this horrible mixed state, mental energy to spare but physically exhausted. I went bed after 8pm because I was totally exhausted. I woke up before midnight. The realization is terrible. I think the pattern becomes ingrained but why can't I stay asleep. I fall asleep readily enough with the help of Seroquel. To be fair, I suffered like this before I started Seroquel in 2007. I am getting off Lithium and this may be affecting my sleep. Whatever the truth, I am determined to handle the transition. My cholesterol meds are being changed so my meds regime is in total flux. I have to give it a few weeks. These mixed states are the pits followed closely by rapid cycling. The only time I tried suicide was after a very fast period rapid cycling with several cycles in each day.

Bipolarfella

A Day of Changing Moods

I was riding the hypomanic surfboard this morning and I seem to have fallen off. I felt so good this morning but I was awake before 4am again. I over did things and got too much stimulation. Now it is 15 hours after waking and I feel like a different person. Sullen, sad, paranoid. I reached out for online friends and I found one new Twitter friend and one I have talked to for a few years. I find that fellow sufferers are the best support. They know where you are coming from. I hope a good night's sleep changes things. The problem there is the word "good". I will probably take 200mg of seroquel. I am nervous of taking more because my meds are in flux. I watched 3 hours of 24 series 6 straight through. That might have been a mistake. I didn't enjoy it as I normally do. I had an insight into hypomania this morning. I feel like I am flitting around and doing things too fast. I realized that it was like Peter Pan flying around or more accurately Tinkerbell. Maybe I know why my friend is BipolarTink? I find myself rushing around from one thing to the next, impatient to get things done. I type fast and usually very accurately. That's why I like working on my story. I am still like that but there is an overwhelming cloud over me. I can still think and I function quite well.

A Lucid Dream?

Yesterday, I could not wake up properly. I had more medication than normal but it does not usually affect me that way. I ended the day by having a lay down on my bed. I had the radio playing in the next room when I dozed off. I dreampt about driving three friends in a big city. I was fine until I reached a juction with a main road. I suddenly didn't know where to turn. One of the friends guided me to their house. My friend put on some music and I recognised where I had first heard it. I began to say where we had both first heard it and I woke up. The same song was playing on my television. I think that would count as lucid dreaming, bringing an external stimulus into your dream.

Creatures of the night

I wanted to write about the experience of Bipolars in the darkness of the night. I realized that I had posted something on a forum when I was manic, almost two years ago. Lots of Bipolar people have trouble sleeping or they have strange sleep patterns. See what you think about my nocturnal ramblings. It is a hidden world to the non-Bipolar. Just imagine being awake most nights from 3-4am:

"I think Bipolars are creatures of the night, and not always happily. I used to embrace the night but now I am scared. I can't go in the chat room because I find it is triggering. I learnt a long time back how to cope in the long waking nights. I somehow lost the knack. I haven't been manic in quite a while. It's a lot different having insomnia to being manic at night. The first is boring but the second is dangerous. I find myself coping well. The danger is that you cope too well and start thinking like a Bipolar.For example. I was manic in Los Angeles (and UK, Saudi and Singapore!). Los Angeles was well suited for the night lurker. That's what I did quite often. Driving the freeways, sitting in 24 hour diners, just killing time. Occasionally it was fruitful, as in looking for a diagnosis.

There are not many 24 hour diners in the UK, even less in my small town. I don't drive so I stay in my little apartment. Computer time, recorded TV from previous evening, breakfasts, try to sleep. In a way, I would like a 24 diner round the corner.

Many people have shared my fear of dark nights. Some can't even get out in the day. That's why the chat rooms are so valuable. It connects these Bipolars in many countries. The time of day barriers melt away.It's fun to post when I am manic. I tend to say too much when I am in chat. My usually nice British wit becomes caustic. I apologise for that. I mean no harm. I am a nice person, honest. I have this compulsion to shock people, not maliciously, almost playfully.

If anyone wants to comment. I just find myself with no one to talk to. I have to control myself and not call new found phone-a-friends. I once called everyone in my phone book, even the ones who were in bed. That was 27 years ago in my first pre-diagnosis mania. I hope this makes sense and I hope you like it."

That's much as I wrote it. The other thing about my manias was the incredible hungers. I used to stock the fridge with burger materials in case I needed a snack. It didn't matter what time of day it was. Then there were the power naps, 2 hour naps where you woke up fully refreshed and raring to go. Of course, after a few weeks you crash unless the needle in the bum gets you first. There is no free lunch and manias normally end with a miserable depression.

Do Dreams Mean Anything?

I just saw a program about dreaming. One of the suggestions was that dreams don't mean much, as previously thought. In view of my repeating dream about getting lost, I hope they are right. Last week I fell out of bed onto my back and I couldn't move for a while. This could have happened in a dream according to the experts. If there is a meaning, I am at loss to explain what that might be. I take Seroquel at night after years of poor sleep. It does increase dreaming and dreams can be very "real". The intensity of dreaming seems to be proportional to the dosage. If I double my normal dose to 200mg, I sleep longer but dream more intensely. I have to decide between less sleep and more dreams. It is not an easy choice because the dreams are often disturbing. They are not nightmares however. I do sleep better in terms of hours, 6-7 hours typically but I do not feel rested. Today I feel sluggish and it is just past noon. I had a few days of hypomania and I suspect I might be paying from that usage of energy.