Okay, I am a grumpy old man. Maybe 61 isn't old, but go with me on this!
It is my weekend for self reflection and having a good moan. Please allow me that indulgence. I have got out more recently and enjoyed the nice spell of weather. I have enjoyed taking my camera out to the parks and around town. This is all good, but i still don't talk to anyone for days on end. This excludes my excellent on-line friends who keep me sane. It also excludes the mental health professionals, pharmacy staff and fellow MH sufferers who I meet now I get out.
I need to do something. I have been saying this for 40 years, maybe longer. Not a lot has improved except my ability to put it in perspective and not stress about it. I find myself feeling better than ever in my whole life and totally isolated socially. Someone said I was admired recently. I said I would exchange admiration for a nice hug. I was serious but there was no response. In view of who it was, it could have been considered stalking. Okay I am busted. I like to have some good looking ladies in my friends list!
I thought it might be interesting to list my face to face contacts this weekend. That is since I bitch about weekends and holidays meaning nothing to non-working unpaid people. We have a spate of Public holidays coming up.
• Day Center staff and fellow attendees
• Guy on Cheese and Cooked Meats stall in market
• Nice lady who serves in the health food store
• My neighbor
• Surprise phone call from my friend in Canada
• Guy sitting on a bench who I passed in the park.
This was a good weekend. I am making progress. I am a normal guy who happens to be bipolar. If I accept that and put bipolar behind me, will all the friends I have lost do that also. Will my friends and family want to spend time with me? Do I have to re invent myself and go back to being Clive Edwards? Clive Wild will be that bipolar guy who wrote a book. I like being Clive Wild and there will be at least two more books. I am not a willing writer, so don't worry.
I hope this rant/vent helps to put me in perspective. I have been a lonely isolated introspective shy invisible guy for much of my life. That guy has gone. I think I can thank my recovery process and the fact that much of it was done in isolation. I maybe alone and unseen, But I think clearly and you wouldn't believe how productive I can be. That is mostly when most people are tucked up in bed. The days have been 20 hours and longer. I don't take a breath unless I get over tired.
Is it not likely that my sort of mind goes MAD if unstimulated or under used ??
The hope for the future? That starts here. It will get a big kick start when I visit Michael in Toronto in September, my on-line family in the US/Canada and extended family in New England.
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I think that you will be always Clive to me. Does not matter the last name. Changes are inevitable...therefore go with what you feel you need for yourself.
ReplyDeleteHey Clive, don't forget your online family in Oz! Why just fly half way around the world when you can include Australia as well.
ReplyDeleteWe would love to hang out with you and show you around Sydney if your schedule (and travel dollars) allow. While it's great that you can communicate with your 'online family' via the Internet it's not the same as spending time with a friend in conversation face to face is it.
If I wasn't 17,000km south of you I'd call in at least once once a week for a cup of tea (or a pint), have a chat, and give you a man hug if you needed it. Wim