Sunday, 20 November 2011

An update on my progress

I was getting pretty frustrated at waking up every day in an anxious state and struggling through the days. It was no life. The slow progress seemed to fritter away. I am very patient but enough already. I am nearly 61 and I want to make something of my remaining active years (I am not quite decrepit yet). However fit you are in body, a messed up mind makes it worthless.
Any ways, I got into see my pdoc early and expressed my concerns as strongly as I could. After asking for help with extra medication, I was finally given some diazapam for the anxiety. I have only been taking 4mg early in the day but my mornings have been a lot better. Maybe it's the placebo effect, but I'll take it. I still haven't got out more but I feel like I am working up to it! Apart from the brief interlude of a vacation in October 2010, I have been in much the same state since May of 2010, various degrees of anxiety or depression. I was making some good progress but now I feel worse than ever. April to June this year was a very low point and I needed crisis team support. I am better than that but not by very much. Sorry for a slightly negative post, but I wanted to be as honest as I could. I am tired of saying I am OK or OK-ish or fine or other euphemisms. We have to find a place where telling the truth isn't whining or complaining. That becomes part of the stigma. I just hope a few days of the extra meds will get me moving. I am seeing my cpn weekly and they want to refer me to a group. My pdoc is supportive but I don't think anyone can really relate to what it is like to lose a lifetime of friends and career. I used to have a great life in a great country and I miss it. This is far worse than being made redundant. No one seems to care. I am not in the statistics. I am not unemployed. I am not getting benefits. I live on savings and the government seems determined to keep interest rates at an all time low. Inflation is higher than it has been. I just wish I could be recognised. I don't spend much money. I just see myself spending my way through my savings and back onto benefits at some point. the trouble is I will be beyond benefits age by then. I didn't mean to drift into a political tirade but I want a voice, at least an an acknowledgement that I exist. I am tired of the politicians telling people to get back to work when there there are clearly no jobs, especially for people with long term problems. I have a degree and I spent 7 years getting knocked back by employers. I was lucky that I could call myself "retired", another convenient euphemism.


  1. Hi Clive. John Harrison here. Rant away - it does us good to say how we really feel. I am going to go backwards thru your blog to try to understand how things have been for you.
    Thanks for our little facebook group - we can support each other in many ways. Invaluable, and all credit to you.
    Looking forward to our trip to Warwick in December. John

  2. H Clive,

    I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. I live in the U.S. and the economy is hitting so many people pretty hard. Depression is such a liar. It will smash you down no matter how much you have accomplished. Have trained myself to tell that part of me that she/he/it is liar. Sometimes it works.: ) For the most part, Celexa does a lot more.

    I see that you are heading off on a trip with John. That is very good. My sister and I are looking forward to a trip in Feb. Meanwhile, I agree that ranting or talking about how one really feels is helpful. Sadly, we live in countries where a "stiff upper lip" is still considered the best way to "deal." I do not know how to change that. Thankfully, most of us do not need too many people to listen.

    Wish you a better mood!
    Mary Ann

  3. Thanks Mary Ann.. I appreciate your support. You are so right about the stiff upper lip. I am really looking forward to feeling well enough to tackle some travelling.
    Take care,

  4. Testing. I've answered this at least 3 times. As I don't have a blog yet I think this is posing a problem.

    Hope to chat soon as a fellow sufferer in France.


  5. Clive,
    My last empty comment seemed to have gone on line. I agree that saying 'Ca va' when 'Ca ne va pas bien, ou même pas du tout' is awkward. But then so it saying 'I feel bad'. I find that travelling is a great uplifter, far better than going out. Mind you, there are construction builders next door making one hell of a racket at times. Enough to drive anyone in the doldrums, a bedraggled individual out and well away from the din.
    Keep telling yourself, it's got to get better and little by little, it will, you'll see.
    Believe me, I've been there many a time. I know it can be agonizing and one tends to clutch at straws (shrinks etc.), but boost your ego and convince yourself that there really is a better place to be.
    We are the same age, both have a British degree (or maybe yours isn't British?)and have both lived for yonks in a foreign country. I've been in France since 1982. Hope you find ways of feeling better soon. Do you get enough sleep?
    Take care.

  6. Hi Alison, My degree was British. I graduated from Leeds Uni in 1971. If you have Facebook and want to become friends, please post another comment and I will give my facebook details. I would be happy to be your friend.
    Best wishes and take care,

  7. Hi Clive,
    Where I live in Lyon, it's better to reply 'Ca va' even if 'Ca ne va pas' as it's just a way of greeting with no meaning behind it. And if you do let on that you feel grim, the recipient is either embarrassed, doesn't care and in either case can't and won't help. If you were to hit upon someone kind, their help would inevitably be of little use. Those who have never been through severe depression or other mental blips, can hardly be expected to have an insight or be caring. Mostly such mental health problems are met with fear, stigma or just sheer inability to latch on to what's happening and what can be done to alleviate.
    Have you been out to one of those inspiring markets again?
    Or Warwick castle?
    Essential to keep going whatever you're up against and as much as you are able to.
    My degree was from UEA in 1980 as a mature student in European Studies.
    Yes I'm on Facebook as Alice-in-Frenchland.
    Hope you're feeling less doldrum-like and look forward to being your friend on Facebook.

  8. Alison, I could not find you on Facebook. Can you look for me and send a request?
    I have an annual pass to Warwick Castle but I haven't been in a while. Struggling to get out.... Story of my life lately !!


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