Another Voice from Beyond 9pm

Two nights in a row I have stayed awake until 10pm. I did almost crash in the early evening but I weathered the storm. My great theory about why I was waking early? It was rubbish. I thought the room was getting too warm. I have turned off all heating and just the same happened. What happens at 2am? Maybe a minor earth tremor. I know I awoke in a very odd state, sort of a Groundhog Day in my head. I just couldn't close my eyes so I got up. I have been up about 2 hours. I have been twittering to myself mostly apart from a couple of brief convos. I have played some music (on headphones) that had been blipped by other night owls. The time between 2am and 6am really gets to me. By 6am it is showing signs of getting light. I have already had breakfast and made a pot of herbal tea. The latter has replaced my coffee habit. I still allow myself one cup in the night.

I have been talking a bit on msn to balance the rather random nature of twitter. It sometimes seems like you are talking to yourself on Twitter. Especially in these hours unless the Aussies are about. It is nice to receive emails when I wake up but it is the usual spam and phishing stuff.

It's different to when I was manic in the past. Then again it is very similar. I walk around quickly with thoughts jumping occasionally. I seem to do everything fast with great impatience. I have to take not to cut myself when preparing a bagel. I am so careful not to disturb anyone. I learned to avoid noise when doing anything. This was even more keenly done in mania.

My big mania was in 1992. I called it my Flight of Fancy. I didn't go into it in my story in order to protect other people's feelings. One incident demonstrates the care to be quiet. I was staying with friends and it had gone quite well. I don't know how much they were of my illness. Eventually anyone thinks its personal and reacts. I questioned my host's faith in a rather blunt way and caused an obvious reaction. I knew I had done this and I decided to leave. I decided at about 4am. I got my things together without disturbing the house. I approached the eldest son who was about 12 years old. He was sensible and I explained the situation. I asked him to tell his parents in the morning. I left the house and made my way to a phone. I called a taxi and went to the railway station. I moved on to annoy someone else. This pattern was repeated several times during my mania.

It is a singular illness that causes friends' reactions to mask their need to care for you. That's why it causes so much trouble in families. If I can get one point across, it is that it is not personal. The personal who is ill is just that, Ill and can't help it. It takes a special person to see past the illness and care for the patient. I have had some people like that in my life and I am grateful. Some did it instinctively.

That's enough for now. I hope my nightime ramblings give a new insight into Bipolar Disorder. I am now fairly stable but I recognise that I am different even when well.

Creatures of the night

I wanted to write about the experience of Bipolars in the darkness of the night. I realized that I had posted something on a forum when I was manic, almost two years ago. Lots of Bipolar people have trouble sleeping or they have strange sleep patterns. See what you think about my nocturnal ramblings. It is a hidden world to the non-Bipolar. Just imagine being awake most nights from 3-4am:

"I think Bipolars are creatures of the night, and not always happily. I used to embrace the night but now I am scared. I can't go in the chat room because I find it is triggering. I learnt a long time back how to cope in the long waking nights. I somehow lost the knack. I haven't been manic in quite a while. It's a lot different having insomnia to being manic at night. The first is boring but the second is dangerous. I find myself coping well. The danger is that you cope too well and start thinking like a Bipolar.For example. I was manic in Los Angeles (and UK, Saudi and Singapore!). Los Angeles was well suited for the night lurker. That's what I did quite often. Driving the freeways, sitting in 24 hour diners, just killing time. Occasionally it was fruitful, as in looking for a diagnosis.

There are not many 24 hour diners in the UK, even less in my small town. I don't drive so I stay in my little apartment. Computer time, recorded TV from previous evening, breakfasts, try to sleep. In a way, I would like a 24 diner round the corner.

Many people have shared my fear of dark nights. Some can't even get out in the day. That's why the chat rooms are so valuable. It connects these Bipolars in many countries. The time of day barriers melt away.It's fun to post when I am manic. I tend to say too much when I am in chat. My usually nice British wit becomes caustic. I apologise for that. I mean no harm. I am a nice person, honest. I have this compulsion to shock people, not maliciously, almost playfully.

If anyone wants to comment. I just find myself with no one to talk to. I have to control myself and not call new found phone-a-friends. I once called everyone in my phone book, even the ones who were in bed. That was 27 years ago in my first pre-diagnosis mania. I hope this makes sense and I hope you like it."

That's much as I wrote it. The other thing about my manias was the incredible hungers. I used to stock the fridge with burger materials in case I needed a snack. It didn't matter what time of day it was. Then there were the power naps, 2 hour naps where you woke up fully refreshed and raring to go. Of course, after a few weeks you crash unless the needle in the bum gets you first. There is no free lunch and manias normally end with a miserable depression.