Oh Lucky Man !

Two months ago, my life was exceedingly dull. I used to wake up quite early and turn on the TV most days. I would find something mind numbing or sit through endless repeats of the bad news. I do care but I don't need to know the woes of the world. The fact that I know them doesn't make any difference. It just numbs my brain.

I have hardly watched a news programme in these two months. Life still goes on. I get enough news from the radio's hourly bulletins or the breaking news on twitter. I was aware of Twitter because it was mentioned a lot on the show "Working Lunch". It got my interest and I eventually tried it. I have never looked back. I was never a fan of chat rooms but Twitter is in one sense a chat room. Each persons view of Twitter is different because you only see posts by people you are following. If someome doesn't meet your standards, you can un-follow them and they are gone. I am following 400 people and that may sound chaotic. Not everyone is on at the same time, so you only see a subset of the people you follow.

I find it fascinating how you can follow a variety of people. Some may be nice people, some may be amusing, some may be controversial and some may be OTT. You can reply to anyone but there is no guarantee that they will see it. Celebs with hundreds of thousands of followers are unlikely to see your message unless they are following you. For a celeb to follow you takes a stroke of luck, a fluke of timing. I now have 330 followers and I am very proud of that. Not long ago, I was struggling to reach the 100 barrier. Some people follow me because they might sell me something but a good number like what I am saying. They like my integrity and maybe my humour.

I have rambled on as is my habit. Yesterday I finalized my life story. That is unless one of my readers finds something glaringly wrong. In the time I have been on Twitter, I have written a 14,000 word story from scratch. It has always been floating about in my head and it feels good to have gottten it out. This is largely due to the support I received from my new friends on Twitter. Friends vary from the casual to those who you want to say hello to. Most satisfying are the occasional unsolicited messages from someone you don't know. They may have seen your blog entries. That makes me feel so good because I basically like to help people.

I signed up yesterday with Xlibris of Philadelphia to publish my story in a book with supporting colour photos. I don't think self publishing is a cheat. It is a not a work of fiction. I hope that my story informs and helps people. I hope they can see how a chaotic life can be made worse by a chaotic illness. I have lived for 27 years in a world of my own. Only I knew my innermost secrets and thoughts. Now that others know everything, I feel so liberated. I have nothing else to lose. I have lots to gain. My book should hit the market in 3-4 months depending how the process goes. I am not the world's best writer. I am not even a good writer. I do have a talent for expressing my experience in words. What I lack in flowery prose, I make up for in insight. My excerpts from the book have already generated a lot of interest. It may be a short book in the long term, but every sentence will count.

Not long ago I was trying to find a reason to get up next morning. I could see no future in my life. I was not suicidal but I lacked a core of hope. On one hand, I was quite comfortable. On the other, I didn't care if I woke up next day. Writing my story and making many online friends has given me a new hope and confidence. I am lucky because I could still be vegetating in my recliner listening to how many troups were killed or how the markets are in a tail spin.

It was a pure chance that I got onto Twitter. I feel so lucky to have written my story. My story is a roller coaster ride. It may sound odd to the non-bipolar. It was odd. That's the whole point. I wasn't on some 27 year flight of fancy. I didn't want to wreck my life and a very good career. I am ill and I have been for at least 27 years. It does not show when I walk down the street, when I buy groceries, when I meet new people. I am as ill as anyone with cancer, diabetes, epilepsy or any number of physical ailments. I don't get full remission like some people. I am Bipolar for life. It is life sentence. People as a whole don't care. They will back away rather than engage with you. Some people are special and they can empathise, even when they are being hurt. I have had several notable people in my life who stayed with me through thick and thin. The sad truth is that even these people drift away in the end. I have been lucky to have special friends at key points of my illness, especially now. Now I have got the story in a good shape, I hope I can get my sleep into shape and spend some restful days.

In the words of Led Zeppelin, I need to ramble on. My blogs may be "different" but I hope they are entertaining and thought provoking. I think I have a lot to say but I have never said it. I may have quite a back log.

Bye for now. Enjoy.

p.s. I only came out 56% mentally ill in a Facebook test. Maybe there is hope.

Bipolar Fella

The Wonder of Time in Cyberspace

I am drawn to online chat and stuff because it is relatively timeless. The sleep patterns of others in the world is largely so disturbed and there is always someone around. It doesn't seem to matter what your relative time zones are. It is tricky knowing what to greet with , especially when you have friends in 3 or 4 continents. Does it really matter. An Aussie night owl is equal to a pom who is up way too early. Countries like the US have multiple time zones, so they even confuse themselves.

When I can't sleep, which is nearly always, I take comfort in the fact that there is a friend out there. At times, I didn't have computer access and the nights were so lonely. I sat in a chat room a lot but it is not really my thing. I had some good acquaintances and I am still on good terms with many. Twitter rocked my world. It appeals to my bipolar brain. You can be as stimulated as you like. It is weird that with almost 300 followers and 300 + followees, it never gets uncomfortable. If someone hogs the bandwidth, I just un-follow, the same for un-real people who spout regurgitated information. It is a chat room with a volume control and tuning knob. I like that. I can follow a variety of peeps. Some titilate, some are mundane, some are deep and some are just darn right silly. I am fascinated with the things people say. It is not as trivial as you would think. The human animal has a remarkably common psyche. That's apart from the ones who speak languages I don't know!!

Another random dip into blogging. I sort of enjoy spitting out bits and pieces from my bipolar brain. I hope it entertains and provides interest.
Laterz.

Twitter and Celebrity and stuff...

My Brain on Twitter

I refer to real celebrities and those that are celebrities in their own mind. The truth is that celebrities have so many thousands that they are following. There is also a huge number of people trying to Tweet them. The chance of getting a personal reply is minimal but we try and try. It doesn't seem to matter that the Dalai Lama or Stephen Fry doesn't reply. It seems that you have their ear.

I think we are all guilty of being star struck. Twitter offers the apparent chance to make a 140 character exchange with someone famous, sometimes with someone who pretends to be a famous person and sometimes with someone who thinks they are famous. Maybe I am cynical. I am.

Twitter is like a manic chat room with a stream of consciousness that you can tap into. The thoughts are sometimes every day, sometimes banal and sometimes profound. It is real people expressing their immediate thoughts. It shows how much sleep patterns are important all over the world. It is a recurring issue. People are strangely levelled. In concept, you can talk to anyone on the same level. You gain followers on the basis of your character or lack of it. You also gain followers when your friends promote you on #followfriday. I was struggling to make 100 followers on Saturday morning. On Wednesday, I have 215 followers. I hope it is because I say some interesting and thought provoking things. I have a particular insight into mental health because I am a sufferer. When I am suffering, I have a different but valid insight. I hope I can keep up my blog. It is probably more valuable than my personal story although my story might help some people understand bipolar disorder and help sufferers to avoid my mistakes.

I seem to have lost the plot but that's the nature of Bipolar Disorder, even when you are stable. I was kidding myself that stable means normal. I am not normal and I don't want to be. I dismissed Tim Wootton's "Bipolar Advantage" but I think he had a point.

No one said bipolar meant two poles at the same time!!

I have never been more aware of my moods and my physical state. I always thought that being physically unfit would curb the effects of mania or the slide into mania. That's not an excuse for being a slob. Today my mind has been going at 100mph and my body has the handbrake on. It's a curious sensation, but it is strangely safe. I don't feel great but I am in control of things. I am still quite productive and I am thinking farely clearly. Manic folk always say that ! The proof is in the reading. It is either brilliant or total gibberish. I think I have learnt to express my feelings in mania with a slight amount of distance. I think this is well worthwhile and it might give a certain insight to non-bipolars. Other bipolars might not give a damn. As long as I can write reasonably clearly, I think I am ok. I am spending time Twittering on Twitter.com. The best thing I ever did was to sign up. That was just over two weeks ago. I have 99 followers and I am a bit obsessed with making the 100. A bit like England cricketers. I know the chances are that I will lose some after that but what the heck? I think I have begun to ramble so it is time to sign off. As usual, feedback is appreciated.

The NIce People on Twitter

How refreshing! Real people offering help for dinosaurs. My previous experience of chatrooms was very shallow. Twitter iniatially seems pretty random but I've met many people in just a week. I can see why Twitter is so popular. You can tailor who you see as you wish. I am still building up a follow/following list but people just appear out of the woodwork.