Call me a radical .... if you like....

I am really tired hearing about the inevitability of mood swings, mania in particular. Even Kay Redfield Jamison, an eminent expert in bipolar disorder, talks as though the madness is inevitable. Maybe I am out there with Tim Wootton, but I don't believe it. I suffered my first full-blown mania in 1982. Granted, my manias have never been as severe as other sufferers but the disruption was just as bad. I can honestly say that each subsequent mania has been less severe than the previous one. I don't just take it when the hypomania clutches me. I work on it and I have developed coping mechanisms.

I may have flown off on a doomed mission to work in Singapore in 1996. It wasn't the impulsive manic flight of fancy like in previous manias. It was fairly well planned and considered, but just a little crazy. It was more about the frustration in my life and career at the time. The manic edge gave me the ability to convince some poor person to employ me unseen. I never actually met the poor person because he was out of the office in my brief stay at Citibank's Singapore offices. I behaved inappropriately in Singapore before I started work and I really burnt out. I wasn't at all welcome in the office and I jumped ship back to Los Angeles. I blew a lot of money on fancy hotels but that was the extent of my mania. The crash came in a miserable depression back in England. This was after another abortive job (acquired and started in Sacramento), a spell with my mother in law, and a flight to England without warning. The depth of the later depression far exceeded the heights of the mania.

My few manic periods since 1996 have been very mild. They may have gone beyond hypomania, but only marginally. My hypomanias have been milder too. I shudder to say controlled but I felt that in 2009 as I wrote my first book. I can't claim to have conjured up the hypomania but I didn't fight it and it facilitated the writing process. I came down on the day of the books publication, two and a half months after starting writing. That was my last real period of hypomania. I have become adept at spotting the upward mood swings and I can stop them in their tracks. The only regret is that I sometimes stop genuine good feelings. I feel as though I am getting past this as I gain insight.

I have just had 5 weeks of feeling great, with the odd blip due to over tiredness. It had tinges of hypomanic behaviour but it never crossed the line. I don't delude myself and I would admit it if I was wrong. I might be deluding myself that I have found some sort of Nirvana, but I will take it for what it is. I feel somewhat normal for the first time in years, maybe forever! I have worked hard for these 5 weeks as I think earlier blog posts demonstrate. I have documented the journey and I don't think any of it could be considered "crazy". I get moments of feeling guilty for feeling so good. I worry about being in the company of others who can't accept the difference. I certainly hope the Clive of recent months and years is not the real deal. I have been all shades of depressed, hypomania, anxious, but rarely happy, cheerful, contented... Choose your own word. I could worry for England and now I don't know what to worry about. I don't know what I worried about. Everything changed over night and I can't help worrying that I might revert the same way. I hope I have worked hard enough to give me a fighting chance.

I have been reading Tim Wootton's book Bipolar in Order in the last week or so. It is based on his theory of the Bipolar Advantage. When I read that book, I thought he was crazy. I think he is crazy but he admits it and he is happy being crazy. That is his basic premise. It is not the mania, depression, hallucinations and psychosis, it is the way we treat it as being really undesirable, to be stopped at all costs with pharmacology and maybe ect. Tim lives with his mood swings and delusions. He gives lecture tours. He seems very happy, happier than most people I know.

I hope I haven't rambled on too much. It just had to come out. I hope it makes sense. I really hate to re-read blogs that came out so naturally (without thought). Funny how my vocabulary improves when I am like this, maybe even my spelling.

As usual comments are much appreciated.

Clive

Delusional? Possibly but I don't think so..

I have experienced several manic episodes over the years. I have had several periods of hypomania, where productivity increases for a while. The effects usually wear off or I drift into full blown mania. I have tried to learn from each experience, never taking anything for granted and never accepting that it can't be improved. Each mania was less severe than previous ones. Each hypomania was less severe than the previous ones. I wrote my first book in a state of hypomania. That started almost 2 years ago to the day. My life seems to have gone full circle. My mental state was valuable in my writing. While I felt in control, I was definitely in a state of hypomania and riding sort of tsunami. I was awake from 2 until 4am every day and most of the writing took place in that period. I was also blogging prolifically. It is 2 am as I write this!!

I woke up on January 5th feeling "normal" for the first time in months. "normal" is not a concept I understand, but it might be what I would like as my "normal". I seem to have woken from a waking nightmare of anxiety and worry. This may sound dramatic but I believe it. These past three weeks have been peppered with problems, sleep problems, hyper activity and a tendency to do too much for too long. It never felt like it was hypomania while it shared many of the traits. The edginess, the dashing around with no time to lose, the clear thinking and the feeling that there is no time to lose. My sleep has remained constant, even though it has been somewhat chaotic at times. I have gotten over tired at times due to doing too much.

I get to doubt my improved mood when I am very tired. This doubt has faded as I learnt that the mood dip was caused by tiredness. Once I accepted this, I have gone from strength to strength. The stream of negative thoughts has diminished to a trickle. They now come and go as the positive thoughts used to. I feel really calm and really at ease with myself. I was dreading the rest of my life when the New Year came. I can no longer see what that was all about. I can't see why I struggled to get out of bed every day, why I wanted to go back to bed as soon as possible, in short why I was an anxious mess.

Christmas came and went. I made the most of it but soon returned to my isolated existence and to my comfort zone. I cancelled a concert visit in May of 2010, a trip I had planned much earlier when I was more "normal". I was looking forward to my first concert in ages. The anxiety prevented me going and I was sad about that. I wasn't anxious about any aspect of doing it. I was just anxious. This is hard to explain to people, the same people who say "What are you depressed about?". They just don't get it and probably will never get it unless they suffer themselves.

I am reluctant to express these feelings. It might well sound like delusions of grandeur. Nothing could be further from the truth. Given my previous M.O. , I would have been long gone by now on a flight of fancy to somewhere a long way away. I am no longer nervous of having a passport and available funds. If I felt any danger of a problem, I would place my passport in safe keeping. I am thinking of travel in a way that anyone else would think about their next vacation. Last year I was terrified by the thought of travelling alone. I am amazed by the range of mood variations. It is not surprising that others are frightened by them. They are incredulous to me some times.

I feel great. I am nothing like the "Clive" that long term friends and family have experienced. That is too bad. I can't do the same thing to myself that lithium may have done for so long. I have to be who I am meant to be not the largely messed up Clive described in my autobiography. If people can't go with me, it is unfortunate but unavoidable. I have held myself back all my life because of everyone's expectations which became my expectations. It has taken me until near to my 61st birthday but I was always a slow learner, a late bloomer. Fortunately, my weight loss has given me the physical health to match my mental well being.

What next? Who knows? I am going to work hard on maintaining a sense of self. I am going to work on the second book I promised ages ago. I have found my focus. I know what I want to write and I know why.

The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive..

I am not talking about the depression , the anxiety or even the mania. Maybe I am talking about the hypomania? I think it is possible to achieve a state that stays below that edgy and jerky feeling of hypomania. It's sometimes productive, but sleep suffers and you are not fully in control.

You may think me delusional but I have honestly not gone that far in any of my manic experiences. I am in a state of happiness, not elation of hypomania, a really nice relaxed place. It is true I have been a bit edgy, my sleep is a bit off, my appetite is higher. I find myself smiling a lot, even at 2-8am in the night. That is the secret life I am talking about. Those night time hours when no one can hear you scream.

All I can say is, "thank goodness for the internet, email, chat rooms and all that". I don't know how I would have coped in the past, even 15 years ago. I am thankful for my IPOD and a good set of headphones. I can keep myself entertained without upsetting the neighbours. This is a good secret life and it it can be nurtured with a little attention to coping skills. I just try to keep my mood from drifting into hypomania. I no longer see mania has a real threat. I have found lots of insight through the school of hard knocks.

I am in a good place. It is unfortunate that it happens mostly in the hours of darkness. I am not sure even my good online friends understand where I am. they might ask "Are you sure your okay?" At least there is little chance of a visit from the men in white coats, the MH police. I hardly exist in the eyes of the MH system. I see my psychiatrist on infrequent occasions and that is worthwhile. I have called the crisis team on rare occasions, most recently on Jan 4th, 2011. My mood picked up on the 5th. No rhyme or reason. I suspect it was the fact that the crisis team offered nothing of note. I just woke up next day as a different person.

I wouldn't go as far as saying I was normal. I am not sure I ever was "normal", whatever that is. if normal is what I was most of my life, I don't ever want it again. I want to to retain my current "happy" state. My sleep pattern is a bit odd right now, but I am sleeping, maybe 4-6 hours. I started getting tired early in the evening and turned in early quite often. This led to early waking (2-3am) and long waking nights. I have blogged about this in the past and I find it the biggest challenge.

In depression or anxiety, you can usually just plod along in a zombie-like state. In full-blown mania you can be away with the fairies. While this is not good, you can be impervious to any problems. My current state, or even hypomania, is a big challenge. I still think pretty clearly and need to keep busy, entertained, fed etc etc. I find that blasting music loudly in the IPOD helps. In depressed or anxious moods, I cannot even play the radio, and sometimes not the TV. I have recently found that I can handle audio books when reading wouldn't be an option.

I hope I am not rambling on. I will stop now in case I do.

Life is good. I found a really supportive chat room that I go to a lot. I have found someone who might be able to produce an audio copy of my first book. I have sent pdf's of the book to several friends and I await their feedback. I have found my focus for the follow up book and I have a working title. I am blogging again and engaging with people.

Thanks for reading this. I hope it is thought provoking? Please comment or send feedback by email, thru facebook or W.H.Y?

Being manic... An extract from my book

Being manic

People ask me what it is like being manic. They also ask why I have lost most friends and family. I hope my friend has helped with the last question.

I don’t think anyone will understand until they live with someone who is manic. People who work with you may not have enough contact to spot the differences. The manic experience can be very isolating. Much of the activity happens at night in the hours of darkness. It only impacts friends and family when their paths cross.

Being manic is a very lonely experience because no one is going at your speed. This appears to be impatience. The manic experience varies from person to person. I can only describe my perceptions.

Floods of ideas. The manic person has lots of ideas and lots of schemes. They will pursue many of the ideas but equally they can switch boats mid-stream.

Hunger. I have experience terrible hungers when manic. Other people have indicated that they lose appetite. I had to keep plenty of burger material in the fridge for midnight snacks.

Sleep. The manic person doesn’t sleep much. This is both a precursor and a result of mania. I used to have 2 hour power naps which recharged my batteries. Management of the long dark nights is crucial in self management of the illness. It depends on your circumstances. Money or no money. Living in the city or a rural town. Fit or unfit. Car owner or not. All these factors affect your ability to use or abuse the night time hours. In LA, I would cruise freeways or hang out in 24 hour diners. The latter are the best thing invented for a manic person. At least for me. Before diagnosis, I would trawl round hospitals at 4 am.

Sex. There is definitely an increase in libido. It is ironic because mine has been absent for several years. I am not tempted to get manic to resurrect my libido, but the thought occurred to me. I have been reckless in my manic episodes. That’s all I will say.

Being in people’s faces. The manic person is always in you r face and can be very demanding. Equally, the manic person can be totally self sufficient, not bothering anyone.

Stealth mode. I could always operate without bothering people. If I felt that I had bothered friends, I would leave quietly without notice. This made sense to me but not to friends.

Empathy. The manic person lacks empathy towards friends and family. They have no sense of what their friends or family feel. They will say the most hurtful things with no idea of the impact and they don’t care. This is one of the worse things for friends and family. They know their loved one is ill but they react to the hurt just the same. It takes a special person to detach themselves from the illness.

Speed. Because the Bipolar person rushes around everywhere, there is a great risk of causing an accident. I almost hit a Police car in LA when dashing to an ATM machine.

Travel. If the Bipolar person has sufficient funds and a passport, the world is their oyster. I flew long haul three times when manic. London to USA. LA to London. LA to Singapore. The three trips all had seemingly logical reasons. In truth, they all stemmed from the mania. They all seemed perfectly logical to me at the time.

Money. Some Bipolar people spend huge sums of money. I am not a willing shopper normally, so I spend on flights, nice hotels, sex and stuff. Things you have nothing to show for.

Talking. The manic person can talk incessantly, sometimes incoherently and rarely sensibly.

Psychosis. When things get really bad, the manic person can have grad delusions such as thinking they are the son of God or that they can fly. This is obviously not healthy and hopefully ends in a section (in the UK).

Mania is well named. You are absolutely barking mad. You may not appear so to casual contacts even to friends who know you. You can be immensely charming and convincing, as in my 250 mile taxi ride with Santa’s Cars. Basically, you are not in you right mind.

Will The Real BipolarFella Stand Up.

I am not talking about the many fakes on Twitter. I would have no reason not to be me. I am talking of the identity crisis that many bipolar people suffer. I am only speaking for myself here.

I used to be a very quiet and shy lad. It didn't change much in my twenties. My university period was much more enjoyable but I was happiest in my immediate circle of friends. I was still basically shy. I went to work in Saudi Arabia in 1982. I was a lot happier but I wouldn't say I lost the shyness.

My bipolar disorder raised its ugly head in November of 1982. I didn't know what it was until April of 1985. My personality had changed but I was mostly around new people. They had no preconceptions of my personality. People do not feel comfortable when someone changes for no apparent reason. Reactions from friends and family were always most unaccepting.

In hypomania and mania, my behaviour was different to say the least. I was usually in my own little world but I decended on friends occasionally. This was most stressful but I was usually too aware of the problems I caused. I used to leave unannounced. It proved impossible to mend bridges after a manic episode and I did try my hardest.

Between bouts of mania, there were occasional depressions when I would lock myself away. I was fortunate not to suffer too many depressions. The one I had was quite enough. Eventually after a mania, I would return to something approaching normal. "Normal" was not what it had been. I had gained a new found confidence. People who knew me were suspicious of this change and sometimes backed off. I didn't know myself sometimes and unless I get some sort of good feedback, I can begin to doubt myself. What am I like ???

For example I went on a group holiday in 2007 with about 30 total strangers. By the first evening, we were getting on famously. I had no doubts about who I was and I had one of the best holidays ever.

I still feel that need to be validated in order to be ok with myself. I have recently been hypomanic for long periods and the lines are blurred. I start doubting myself. I am still creative and quite active but I feel reasonably well. My sleep is messed up and exhaustion plays tricks sometimes. I can feel a little depressed or sad and it feels real.

I don't know whether I will ever feel totally comfortable in my skin. Being reclusive helps in a way because most of my contact is with new friends on the computer.

Viva La Vida.

Not the Coldplay album but I really like it and It's playing on my ipod. I have realized that getting my story written and out there will let me draw a line under a largely troubled period. I am not saying it was all bad. In fact it was better in some ways than my earlier life. I have a draft finished and I already feel like I can go forward. A lot of things have been subconsciously holding me back. I don't yet know what the rest of my life holds, but I feel capable of finding out now.

I have started my story on numerous occasions. Not until I let someone see it , did I get past the roadblocks. I now have about sixteen people reading it and the initial reactions are good. I still can't tell if someone is being kind. I feel better if comments come in unsolicited. I posted my story excerpt on Facebook and got two good comments. These two people now have a copy of the draft.

I have never been shy about my illness. It is so liberating now I have gone the extra step. I think hiding your illness feeds stigma rather that lessening it. I don't care who knows. I have the advantage of not having a job and being a bit reclusive. I am a bit reclusive by nature but I miss the closeness of friends. I have lost a lot of confidence in socialising. I never really had that confidence unless I was manic.

Not many weeks ago, I was wondering why I got up in the mornings. I wasn't suicidal but I wasn't very happy. Now I feel a lot more positive. I still have moments of doubt when my energy begins to drain. I know this feeling from my earlier manic phases. I know it will pass although it sometimes worries me.

All I have to do is work out a future. I am better now I have replaced early morning vegetating with cyber activity. Not everyone likes Twitter but it has been the catalyst to my recovery. I have found new joy without drugs or having to go into a mania. Mania wasn't real. I know I was having fun but I couldn't share it with anyone. It was always a secret. Now the cat's out of the bag.

Getting my story finished, edited and published will be stage one. I may not be a "writer" but I think I will blog while I can. I always thought I had nothing to say but I was just very shy. I can't help wondering which is my true personality. I always thought my true personality was suppressed by my early life experiences. I guess I will never know unless I go in for a life regression.

Can the young man in the picture have become the miserable reclusive person of later years?

Viva La Vida !!!

No one said bipolar meant two poles at the same time!!

I have never been more aware of my moods and my physical state. I always thought that being physically unfit would curb the effects of mania or the slide into mania. That's not an excuse for being a slob. Today my mind has been going at 100mph and my body has the handbrake on. It's a curious sensation, but it is strangely safe. I don't feel great but I am in control of things. I am still quite productive and I am thinking farely clearly. Manic folk always say that ! The proof is in the reading. It is either brilliant or total gibberish. I think I have learnt to express my feelings in mania with a slight amount of distance. I think this is well worthwhile and it might give a certain insight to non-bipolars. Other bipolars might not give a damn. As long as I can write reasonably clearly, I think I am ok. I am spending time Twittering on Twitter.com. The best thing I ever did was to sign up. That was just over two weeks ago. I have 99 followers and I am a bit obsessed with making the 100. A bit like England cricketers. I know the chances are that I will lose some after that but what the heck? I think I have begun to ramble so it is time to sign off. As usual, feedback is appreciated.

Creatures of the night

I wanted to write about the experience of Bipolars in the darkness of the night. I realized that I had posted something on a forum when I was manic, almost two years ago. Lots of Bipolar people have trouble sleeping or they have strange sleep patterns. See what you think about my nocturnal ramblings. It is a hidden world to the non-Bipolar. Just imagine being awake most nights from 3-4am:

"I think Bipolars are creatures of the night, and not always happily. I used to embrace the night but now I am scared. I can't go in the chat room because I find it is triggering. I learnt a long time back how to cope in the long waking nights. I somehow lost the knack. I haven't been manic in quite a while. It's a lot different having insomnia to being manic at night. The first is boring but the second is dangerous. I find myself coping well. The danger is that you cope too well and start thinking like a Bipolar.For example. I was manic in Los Angeles (and UK, Saudi and Singapore!). Los Angeles was well suited for the night lurker. That's what I did quite often. Driving the freeways, sitting in 24 hour diners, just killing time. Occasionally it was fruitful, as in looking for a diagnosis.

There are not many 24 hour diners in the UK, even less in my small town. I don't drive so I stay in my little apartment. Computer time, recorded TV from previous evening, breakfasts, try to sleep. In a way, I would like a 24 diner round the corner.

Many people have shared my fear of dark nights. Some can't even get out in the day. That's why the chat rooms are so valuable. It connects these Bipolars in many countries. The time of day barriers melt away.It's fun to post when I am manic. I tend to say too much when I am in chat. My usually nice British wit becomes caustic. I apologise for that. I mean no harm. I am a nice person, honest. I have this compulsion to shock people, not maliciously, almost playfully.

If anyone wants to comment. I just find myself with no one to talk to. I have to control myself and not call new found phone-a-friends. I once called everyone in my phone book, even the ones who were in bed. That was 27 years ago in my first pre-diagnosis mania. I hope this makes sense and I hope you like it."

That's much as I wrote it. The other thing about my manias was the incredible hungers. I used to stock the fridge with burger materials in case I needed a snack. It didn't matter what time of day it was. Then there were the power naps, 2 hour naps where you woke up fully refreshed and raring to go. Of course, after a few weeks you crash unless the needle in the bum gets you first. There is no free lunch and manias normally end with a miserable depression.

Friends and Bipolar Disorder

I have suffered the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder for 27 years. I was diagnosed almost 24 years ago after a long search for an answer. I have only had two major manic episodes since diagnosis, both caused by stopping my medication. The reasons for stopping medication seem trivial now. My biggest regret is the loss of good friends. At times, I tried to explain that I was ill but it didn't seem to help. Someone said recently that Bipolar sufferers tend to say sorry a lot. Some friends were hit full force by my manias. Some suffered the after effects but they all drifted away. Some may stay in touch at Christmas and some may send the occasional email. My friends now are either fellow sufferers or support workers. I am still inclined to be open with certain people, especially if I like them and I wouldn't want them to find out some other way. This may seem reckless but that's the way I am. I am still seeking email friends, if only to balance some of the spam.