Sunday, 24 May 2009

Family, friends and phobia of making phone calls.

I worry a lot about friendships that have gone by the wayside. I always made online friends easier than real world friends. Then again, cyberspace might be called my "real" world. The manic episodes that I suffered were few but they damaged friendships each time. I sometimes tried to apologise and explain myself but it was futile. I have made a number of friendships over the years and none of them are in good shape. It is a form of personal stigma. No one wants to deal with a "mad" person.

Like many things in my life, I do not set myself too many goals, for fear of disappointment and the resultant anxiety. I have calmed my anxiety by never expecting too much of myself and others. I think that I avoid going out much to avoid difficult situations. I will not make real world friends if I carry on that approach.

I always thought I had a small family. This was true in terms of close family. Since my mom died two years ago, I have my brother and his wife. I hardly see cousins at all. My brother and his wife seem not to be interested in my illness or the book I have written. I find this incredibly sad. I have found numerous cousins through my genealogy efforts. Without my brother and his wife, I would have no close family. They say you don't choose your family but you choose your friends. That is so true. In a way, I have to let go of any hopes of a relationship that will never exist. I don't have much in common with my brother and my sister-in-law. Things like this will hold me in the past but it is hard to move on. My story has gone a long way to free me from the past.

I think bipolars tend to get on better with new friends, those they met after the illness, even if they are fully aware of the history. I hope in time to be able to meet new people without mentioning my mental health. I hope I can be enlightened enough to make it a non-issue. I may work for bipolar and mental health but it will not define me.

I sometimes think that being bipolar makes me too intense as a person. I seem to talk about mental health issues to the exclusion of anything else. This is because my life doesn't have much else. I think I have to work on this. My attempts to lose weight and get fitter are giving me a new direction. Working on my diet and attending Slimming World have been good for me. My fridge is a wonder to behold. I am almost domesticated and making a lot of my own food. I feel a lot better for the healthier food and I have lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks of the program. My analytical mind is well suited to following a regimented program.. I still have trouble knowing what to eat on any particular day.

I do have a phobia of making phone calls or initiating messenger conversations. Once I start, I am fine. I found this a problem when I had to make a series of cold calls as part of my job. I usually managed it but I was not comfortable. I rely on friends to call me and that is not fair. If I force myself to do it, I don't have a genuine reason for calling. I do care about everyone but I don't always show it. I enjoy emails and I get my message across quite well. I enjoy online chats on a one to one basis. I seem to have the ability to make people feel better. I don't have the ability to engage fully and be their friend.

I have a lot to work on. My press release for the book will hopefully generate some interest in me and the book. I'll talk to anyone but I just don't get much practise. I have to be prepared to talk to anyone on whatever medium. I have that confidence now but the proof is in the doing.

I am sorry if I rambled a bit as I am inclined to do.

Take Care,


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.


    The problem may be mutual.


  3. Yes, damn all that recovery shice. Now I'm stranded with no one to understand me. Being in the storm at least I was interesting. Too intense for anyone to make the effort I made in them. HOnestly now I'm only looking for friendships with bipolars to avoid getting jaded used or hurt. The only times it ever worked out ...I feel your pain bro. Yet my shrink thoughtfully said support group only means I'll meet more unstables and I need to surround myself with stable people.

    Damn this recovery. I prefer cocaine, madness, and wild living. I've been stable, in treatment, recovery for two years. Never been lonelier. All the love I give so freely- I've been vaccuumed. At least before I was obvlivious.

    Hang on

  4. Yes, I totally understand all that and the comment from the chap who would rather live a wild life. I`ve done both, right now my life is like yours, has been for a long while, hang in there, it`s all right really. I`ve decided to totally accept my position and decided that it`s brilliant.

    Regards, Sebastian

  5. hahahaha really amzing blog but the thing is now a days people live at the same place but they don't have enough time to make some chit chat with each other that's really bad.. anyway thanks for sharing this stuff...


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