The transient nature of moods

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Just been thinking about mood swings and how they are not based in reality. Here are my thoughts.

Unfortunately, I don’t seem to inspire myself. I give the impression of being “together” and quite motivated. Nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe it is my Bipolar Disorder but I can get false moods, both positive and negative. Moods based on mood swings can be very fragile, in my experience. I am very good at over thinking and killing a good mood. Equally I can think myself into a good mood but this is somewhat more rare.

I am not happy with my situation in reality. If my mood starts to dip, I start to dwell more on reality and this reinforces my down mood and brings in anxiety. I wish my moods were more in tune with the reality of my life. It is sometimes nice to feel good for no real reason but it can be very wearing. Feeling bad for no reason is much more destructive. Despite being largely stable, I think I live with these ongoing effects of Bipolar Disorder.

It makes it very hard to stay in touch with reality. I need to make changes in my life or maybe I need to get a life. When I feel irrationally happy, I don’t feel like I need to do anything. I just float through life. If I feel irrationally down, I am too busy worrying to do anything about my life. I don’t seem to have any middle ground which might be considered “normal”. I think the concept of normality is alien to Bipolar sufferers. I don’t know how other sufferers feel about this. I am just thinking out loud.

I am convinced that this inability to be “normal” makes counselling very difficult, at least in my experience. It also affects my dealings with doctors. If I feel good, I lose touch with my issues. If I feel down, I just can’t be bothered.

Gary who? Thoughts about Gary McKinnon's Plight

There has been a lot of activity on Twitter regarding the case of Gary McKinnon. He has been getting a lot of support although I was strongly attacked by one Twit who clearly thought that Gary should rot in hell. I guess it takes all sorts. I don't support Gary's cause blindly. I didn't know much about the case when it first came to my attention. I took the opportunity to talk to his mother on Twitter and did some research of my own. I managed to find a TV interview with Gary. It was clear that Gary was a very intelligent man with an obsession with finding the truth about UFO's. He approached this problem by hacking to the Pentagon and NASA computers. I sensed no malice in Gary's motives. He just seemed misguided. He seemed to be aware that he had done wrong. It was clear to me that it was a result of a mental impairment and obsessive thinking.

As a long term sufferer from Bipolar Disorder, I recognise that my behaviour at times has been irrational. If I had the skill to hack into computers, it wouldn't have been surprising if I followed the same path as Gary. In my periods of mania, I may have lacked the obsessive component but I would do things that I would never do when well. I believe strongly that Gary needs good medical help and not a military show trial in the USA. The Americans should look to their very inadequate security systems and not look for a mentally impaired scapegoat. I think everyone agrees that Gary should receive some punishment but it should take account of his Asperger's Syndrome. He needs help rather than being treated as a criminal.

I am not an expert on the case, especially the extradition situation. I gather that there is a one way system in place. If an American was hacking into UK systems, they wouldn't be extradited to the UK. That is my understanding of the situation. I would think the American military would have more important things on their plate, small things like Afghanistan and Iraq.

There is a Free Gary slogan being displayed on Twitter a lot. I think most supporters think that Gary should not be extradited to the US and he should be handled by UK courts in a sympathetic way. The only reason this extradition situation exists was the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks. The US are taking advantage of this situation. Gary is clearly not a terrorist. The US should work on their security in case real "terrorists" hack into their systems. They might hire Gary as a counter-hacking consultant.

I ask everyone to support the cause of stopping extradition and having Gary tried in UK courts. A lot of UK politicians haven't got the guts to stand up and be counted. They would rather defer to anything that the US wants. Hopefully President Obama will step in and end this farce.

UK Family History - An offer of help

I have done a lot of work on my family tree over the last few years. I have got back to the early 1800's for many legs of my family. I have built up a lot of tools and some extra knowledge as I have gone along. I am happy to help anyone with their UK family history. I can get you started on building up a tree. All I would need are details of relatives who were alive in 1911 or better those alive in 1901. Full names and birth dates or birth years and birthplaces where you know them. The more you know the better. I am available to work back through the census data as far as the earliest in 1841. Please email me at clivewild@hotmail.com with Family History in the Subject. I am particularly thinking of UK people but I might be able to work on UK history of non-UK residents. I can't offer a full research service but I can get you started on your family history.
Clive

Back to reality....with a bump

I often say that I don't suffer from the depressions as much as the manias. I am not sure that is true. I think I am often in denial just to preserve my sanity. I think my frequent periods of extreme loneliness are really periods of depression. I have been feeling generally quite positive in recent months. Unfortunately it has no basis in reality. I have always been a hopeful person and this has got me through hard times. I am now settling down to look at my future. I may have have made personal progress but I am still reclusive and isolated. I always relied on others to make me better, as in my friends and my wives. I think it is called codependency. I always struggled with socialisation for much of my life. I managed fairly well as long as I was working, but now I find it hard to make friends and I struggle to keep them. I am a bit of a loner but I do enjoy the company of others. I don't seem to spend time with people and I rarely get the chance to eat out or do other stuff any more.

My new non-profit project - a compilation

I am posting the flyer for my new project in the hope that some readers might want to contribute.

BipolarStories Book Project

I am putting together a compilation of stories and poems with a view to publishing a book. Proceeds will go to a mental health charity or charities, to be decided by the group. I am asking for contributions primarily from mental health sufferers. The subject is open but I reserve the right to decide on appropriateness. Contributions from non-sufferers should be on a mental health theme. I am also encouraging contributions from groups such as day centers, support groups or resource cafes.

I will be doing some proof reading and editing. Other group members have volunteered to do some as well. I will be responsible for gathering the contributions. They should preferably be in Microsoft Word format to save conversion later. I can accept small amounts of work on paper if someone has the time to transcribe them.

The main focus of the group is the Facebook group BipolarStories. Don’t be put off by the title. It is not just about Bipolar Disorder. If you are on Facebook and are not already a group member, I encourage you to join the group. Also add CliveWild as a friend if I am not already your friend. If you are not on Facebook, I encourage you to join if only to access the group. I think that groups are the main selling points of Facebook. You will meet a lot of like-minded people on the group. There are about 70 members as I write this.

The group has several advantages:

1) Discussion boards related to the project.
2) Ability to message all members about important news.
3) A news section that I add to.
4) Somewhere to post images.
5) A section of links to other useful sites.
6) A wall to post messages to the group.

If you can’t join the group, please send me your email addy of preference to clivewild@hotmail.com with subject including BipolarStories. I will maintain a list of emails and inform everyone of important news.

Apart from contributions, I would like to hear from people with skills in proofreading, editing, artwork, cartoons, cheap self publishing etc. This is a low cost project. I put a lot into my first book. This is very much a voluntary effort. I am trying to give a voice to the otherwise unheard.

I will be contributing a chapter that is based around some of my favourite blogs from February and March.

Please get in touch if you haven’t already. If you have no computer access, please ask someone else to contact me for you.

Regards, Clive Edwards (Clive Wild)

I Can't Save the World - Alone

I try to help everyone. Maybe I try to save everyone. I have always tried to do this and I used to absorb everyone's pain. This made me ill. I manage to avoid getting so involved now. I find it hard not to try to help someone if they trust me with their problems. I always tried to analyze their problems because I have an anlytical mind. I have helped people over the years and I am proud of that. I did it at the expense of my own well being. It is not healthy to absorb so much negativity. It did not affect me in a conscious way but all that stuff had to go some where. I did this while suffering from bipolar disorder and it amazes me that I wasn't pushed over the edge on occasions.

I still like to help people when they confide in me. I am flattered that people find me trustworthy and I can't turn people away. I no longer put my well being on the line. I have to stay well.

I want to cooperate more with people. I have started a project to produce a compilation of stories/poems about mental health. I hope to work with others as contributors or as helpers in the process. I did everything for my book and the publisher just put out what I sent to them. I hope to find people with experience of cheaper self publishing. I visualise a team of people working towards a goal. I have talked to many people who are writing or who want to write. Writing can be therapeutic and I want to encourage people to contribute to this project. It can be anonymous if they like. I just want the people who think they are not heard to have a voice.

I will always want to save people. I accept now that I haven't got the experience to help everyone. We all have certain skills and I hope we can help each other. Anyone is welcome. You can contribute or you may have skills we can use.

I encourage anyone who reads this to get involved. You don't have to be a sufferer. You don't even have to know someone who suffers. You just need to care. I see this is a big way to combat the stigma of mental health. Stories or poems can be about any aspect of mental health, how it affects you, how it affects your friend or family member or how you feel as an outsider. Sufferers are not often seen as people who can achieve. I want to redress the balance.

Email me at clivee777@hotmail.com if you think you can help. If you send me an email address , i will invite you to join the google group BipolarStories. Here we can exchange ideas and post files. I will edit the book with help of anyone who has the right skills. Please volunteer if you have experience of an inexpensive publishing process.

Regards, Clive

The Ultimate "Am I Bipolar?" List

If you find this list annoying, you may be Bipolar.

If you are a homicidal maniac, you may be Bipolar.

If you found it hard to sleep last night, you may be Bipolar.

If someone really made you angry today, you may be Bipolar.

If you are breathing, you may be Bipolar.

If you are left-handed, you may be Bipolar.

If you act a bit odd sometimes, you may be Bipolar.

If you are not always yourself, you may be Bipolar.

If you are a famous celebrity, you are almost certainly Bipolar.

If you think this list is going on too long, you are probably right.

If you think this is amusing, there is some hope for you, Bipolar or not.