Feeling Sad or maybe just exhausted

I hope this works. I have had a few error messages today.

I typed all this into a forum on bpff.ca. I see why there are no new entries! All is not lost. I cut and paste it to my blog.

I have started having heavy naps at about 2pm and I sleep 2-3 hours. I don't wake up very happy. Playing music doesn't break the fog. I have managed to stay up til 10pm for thre days straight. It hasn't helped my waking time. I have been up for almost 19 hours today. I must have something which wakes me up, whether externai or in my confused brain. I have had some odd Groundhog Day dreams and I felt like I had to wake up.

I feel a bit of an anti-climax after finishing the draft of my story. I am very happy and proud (not so much right now). I have about 16 copies out for reading and I have protected the copyright today. I have some responses and all positive. I just don't realise that everyone has busy lives and cannot dedicate time to read something. I guess I am very impatient.

I have some ideas for additions to my story where I had missed out important events. Not always bipolar related but important to the story. I need to maintain a balance otherwise I will sound like the last 27 years was totally miserable.

I have been going through a lot of photos with a view to providing more on bpff.ca. They also fit in with the story. I found a lot of happy photos.

I am rambling more than normal so I will sign off and see if this saves.

Viva La Vida.

Not the Coldplay album but I really like it and It's playing on my ipod. I have realized that getting my story written and out there will let me draw a line under a largely troubled period. I am not saying it was all bad. In fact it was better in some ways than my earlier life. I have a draft finished and I already feel like I can go forward. A lot of things have been subconsciously holding me back. I don't yet know what the rest of my life holds, but I feel capable of finding out now.

I have started my story on numerous occasions. Not until I let someone see it , did I get past the roadblocks. I now have about sixteen people reading it and the initial reactions are good. I still can't tell if someone is being kind. I feel better if comments come in unsolicited. I posted my story excerpt on Facebook and got two good comments. These two people now have a copy of the draft.

I have never been shy about my illness. It is so liberating now I have gone the extra step. I think hiding your illness feeds stigma rather that lessening it. I don't care who knows. I have the advantage of not having a job and being a bit reclusive. I am a bit reclusive by nature but I miss the closeness of friends. I have lost a lot of confidence in socialising. I never really had that confidence unless I was manic.

Not many weeks ago, I was wondering why I got up in the mornings. I wasn't suicidal but I wasn't very happy. Now I feel a lot more positive. I still have moments of doubt when my energy begins to drain. I know this feeling from my earlier manic phases. I know it will pass although it sometimes worries me.

All I have to do is work out a future. I am better now I have replaced early morning vegetating with cyber activity. Not everyone likes Twitter but it has been the catalyst to my recovery. I have found new joy without drugs or having to go into a mania. Mania wasn't real. I know I was having fun but I couldn't share it with anyone. It was always a secret. Now the cat's out of the bag.

Getting my story finished, edited and published will be stage one. I may not be a "writer" but I think I will blog while I can. I always thought I had nothing to say but I was just very shy. I can't help wondering which is my true personality. I always thought my true personality was suppressed by my early life experiences. I guess I will never know unless I go in for a life regression.

Can the young man in the picture have become the miserable reclusive person of later years?

Viva La Vida !!!

Another Voice from Beyond 9pm

Two nights in a row I have stayed awake until 10pm. I did almost crash in the early evening but I weathered the storm. My great theory about why I was waking early? It was rubbish. I thought the room was getting too warm. I have turned off all heating and just the same happened. What happens at 2am? Maybe a minor earth tremor. I know I awoke in a very odd state, sort of a Groundhog Day in my head. I just couldn't close my eyes so I got up. I have been up about 2 hours. I have been twittering to myself mostly apart from a couple of brief convos. I have played some music (on headphones) that had been blipped by other night owls. The time between 2am and 6am really gets to me. By 6am it is showing signs of getting light. I have already had breakfast and made a pot of herbal tea. The latter has replaced my coffee habit. I still allow myself one cup in the night.

I have been talking a bit on msn to balance the rather random nature of twitter. It sometimes seems like you are talking to yourself on Twitter. Especially in these hours unless the Aussies are about. It is nice to receive emails when I wake up but it is the usual spam and phishing stuff.

It's different to when I was manic in the past. Then again it is very similar. I walk around quickly with thoughts jumping occasionally. I seem to do everything fast with great impatience. I have to take not to cut myself when preparing a bagel. I am so careful not to disturb anyone. I learned to avoid noise when doing anything. This was even more keenly done in mania.

My big mania was in 1992. I called it my Flight of Fancy. I didn't go into it in my story in order to protect other people's feelings. One incident demonstrates the care to be quiet. I was staying with friends and it had gone quite well. I don't know how much they were of my illness. Eventually anyone thinks its personal and reacts. I questioned my host's faith in a rather blunt way and caused an obvious reaction. I knew I had done this and I decided to leave. I decided at about 4am. I got my things together without disturbing the house. I approached the eldest son who was about 12 years old. He was sensible and I explained the situation. I asked him to tell his parents in the morning. I left the house and made my way to a phone. I called a taxi and went to the railway station. I moved on to annoy someone else. This pattern was repeated several times during my mania.

It is a singular illness that causes friends' reactions to mask their need to care for you. That's why it causes so much trouble in families. If I can get one point across, it is that it is not personal. The personal who is ill is just that, Ill and can't help it. It takes a special person to see past the illness and care for the patient. I have had some people like that in my life and I am grateful. Some did it instinctively.

That's enough for now. I hope my nightime ramblings give a new insight into Bipolar Disorder. I am now fairly stable but I recognise that I am different even when well.

A voice from beyond 9pm

I never thought it would happen. It is passed 9.30 pm and I am still awake. I am functioning pretty well. I have chilled where possible for a few days and it is paying off. I enjoy twittering but I have to moderate it. If I go too far, my mood starts to get uncomfortable. I can see my goal of 10pm being possible. That has been my "bedtime" for quite some time. It means that I can in theory push my wakeup time out a little. I am due for a really good night or the "crash" as I call it.

I read my bipolar story straight through this evening. One thing was that there were only about 6 minor corrrections in 16 pages. It felt like someone else had written it because I wrote most of it when hypomanic in the dark of night. It felt like automatic writing. It had to be because I can't type very well. I could only write a maximum of 3 pages before feeling exhausted.

I impressed myself with my writing. That is a new sensation for me and I am very proud. I see why my neighbour enjoyed reading it. I have about 8 other people who have a copy and I hope they can also give feedback. It might not be an easy read unless you distance yourself from the subject which is 27 years in a bipolar person's life.

Obsession with the News

I have always selpt poorly and I have ended up awake in the early hours. I used to watch the crappy early morning TV and passed time. I discovered Twitter a month ago and it revitalised my interest in cyberspace. I haven't watched much TV in that time. Wars still go on. People are still stabbed and shot. Planes crash and natural disasters do their best to wipe out people. It makes no difference whether I know or not. I was just taking it all in and getting depressed. I don't need this extra input as a Bipolar sufferer. The news channels look for the most negative and upsetting stories. They seem obsessed with finding the worse in everyone and everything.

I haven't given up news for the first time. I get enough from the brief hourly bulletins on radio. People on Twitter will post anything of extreme importance. I know the world is in financial crisis. I don't need to hear about it every 5 minutes. I don't need to know how many soldiers were killed in a futile war. I don't need to know how many new jobs were lost or how many companies went bust. Life goes on. Restaurants and bars still do business. Do the media types want the world to go to hell?

I have struggled to find a job over 10 years and finally gave up. I live alone and don't get out much. My illness drove away most of my friends. I am making do. I am not depressed about the financial crisis. Am I depressed? Sometimes. It's mostly about the crappy news we are constantly fed. Get over it.

Twitter and Celebrity and stuff...

My Brain on Twitter

I refer to real celebrities and those that are celebrities in their own mind. The truth is that celebrities have so many thousands that they are following. There is also a huge number of people trying to Tweet them. The chance of getting a personal reply is minimal but we try and try. It doesn't seem to matter that the Dalai Lama or Stephen Fry doesn't reply. It seems that you have their ear.

I think we are all guilty of being star struck. Twitter offers the apparent chance to make a 140 character exchange with someone famous, sometimes with someone who pretends to be a famous person and sometimes with someone who thinks they are famous. Maybe I am cynical. I am.

Twitter is like a manic chat room with a stream of consciousness that you can tap into. The thoughts are sometimes every day, sometimes banal and sometimes profound. It is real people expressing their immediate thoughts. It shows how much sleep patterns are important all over the world. It is a recurring issue. People are strangely levelled. In concept, you can talk to anyone on the same level. You gain followers on the basis of your character or lack of it. You also gain followers when your friends promote you on #followfriday. I was struggling to make 100 followers on Saturday morning. On Wednesday, I have 215 followers. I hope it is because I say some interesting and thought provoking things. I have a particular insight into mental health because I am a sufferer. When I am suffering, I have a different but valid insight. I hope I can keep up my blog. It is probably more valuable than my personal story although my story might help some people understand bipolar disorder and help sufferers to avoid my mistakes.

I seem to have lost the plot but that's the nature of Bipolar Disorder, even when you are stable. I was kidding myself that stable means normal. I am not normal and I don't want to be. I dismissed Tim Wootton's "Bipolar Advantage" but I think he had a point.

Trying to Get Back on Track

My conscious efforts yesterday to chill more seem to have worked. After talking to a fellow twitterer at length, I decided to push my evening meds back to bedtime. In recent months, I have taken them earlier for convenience and to avoid forgetting. My friend said that the meds, particularly carbamazepine, might help with my sleep.

Over the day I took plenty of chill breaks and avoided over stimulation. I did watch the last dvd of 24 series 6 and quite enjoyed it, more than the previous one at least. Jack Bauer saved the world yet again. No surprise there.

I will check in with my pdoc about the sleep problem when my meds changes have settled down. I have no idea how the lithium contributed to my sleep. I don't think it's known for it. I may need a boost in my carbamazepine dosage to compensate.

I feel a lot more "normal" today, whatever that is. I am not dashing around like a headless chicken. I would like to write and I might try later. I wouldn't say it is harder but it is different. I slept about 5 hours last night, having managed to stay up until nearly 9pm. I always used to go to bed at 10pm like clockwork.

I am going to try to have a couple more chilling days. I have a delivery of groceries tomorrow and that's about it. I have a massage scheduled on Wednesday and I am really looking forward to that. I don't get out much so I must make the most of this sort of thing.

I feel like I am rambling a bit. This is not one of my streams of consciousness. It's harder work.