Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Thoughts on getting out of the pits....

I had a couple of terrible days where nothing made me happy. I was wallowing in self pity, at least that's the way it might have seemed. I have a lot of internal energy which no meds seem to dent. If the energy works for me, that is all for the good, and I approach a kind of hypomania. I say "kind of" because I am not sure it has made the text books yet!! If the energy turns in on myself, then I am in trouble. I might sleep for 2 or hours and wake close to midnight. I try to stay in bed to avoid the hyper activity. This is fine for 4 or 5 hours. Then I get anxious and increasingly messed up. Any thought of getting up disappears and thoughts of not getting up take over. I start doubting everything including my planned trip to Canada and the US in six months time. There are no doubts other than those conjured by my mind. I hate that this happens but insight into it doesn't seem to help.

I eventually got up and turned on my computer. I made coffee and breakfast, the ritual that I go through most mornings. I felt happy soon because talking to friends on-line dragged me back into the world. I felt quite cheerful if a little edgy. I was okay apart from the continued exhaustion and the thoughts that another night will leave me back in that pit.

I felt happy because I have good friends who care about me even when I may not care about myself !! It is amazing how often "On-line Therapy" saves my bacon. I just need to get on and do it. The rest of my day was amazingly good. I attended the planned introduction to Relaxation class. It was enjoyable and useful. I even made it to my slimming group in the evening, and walked both ways. My wallowing on the previous evening seemed to have given me a chance to recharge because I stayed up later than usual.

My choice is to get up and fuel the hyper tendencies or wallow at the risk of fueling the anxiety!! I decided to split the difference and set a daily alarm for 4 am. I treat 4am as my threshold of morning. Before this time, it is that place we call "middle of the night". On most nights I have done with sleeping by 4am. Typically on the first night trying this, I found it hard to fall asleep and the alarm woke be abruptly from sleep with "Planet Rock..." rather too loud for 4am. I might revert to a regular alarm bleeping sound !! The theory is that I get out of bed soon and get on with stuff. If I am struggling, I will try on-line therapy. If all else fails I will text a friend for some human contact... I think this might be a good strategy might be a good one. I am starting a relaxation class on Friday. Hopefully I can incorporate things I learn into my coping routine?

This post started as a post to a bipolar forum and became a note on Facebook. I thought it was worth extending into a blog post. I hope it might help someone else.

Clive {{hugs}}


  1. Nice, Clive. You sound hopeful! I've been a bit angry/sad at the same time the past week....I will take your idea of "hope" to bed and hope to wake up with a better frame of mind...LIke someone said to me today, focus on YOU, Sue, focus on the little things, focus on the present....you did that....your fb friend sue hynes

  2. This was inspirational - we bipolar sufferers need heaps of hope to get us through such times. Please consider joining our weekly linky over at http://wordsinsync.blogspot.com/ called Monday Madness today - It's in support of bloggers who are involved in mental health/illness. I'd like it to grow steadily, to tackle stigma and enable awareness. Shah .X


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