I had a couple of terrible days where nothing made me happy. I was wallowing in self pity, at least that's the way it might have seemed. I have a lot of internal energy which no meds seem to dent. If the energy works for me, that is all for the good, and I approach a kind of hypomania. I say "kind of" because I am not sure it has made the text books yet!! If the energy turns in on myself, then I am in trouble. I might sleep for 2 or hours and wake close to midnight. I try to stay in bed to avoid the hyper activity. This is fine for 4 or 5 hours. Then I get anxious and increasingly messed up. Any thought of getting up disappears and thoughts of not getting up take over. I start doubting everything including my planned trip to Canada and the US in six months time. There are no doubts other than those conjured by my mind. I hate that this happens but insight into it doesn't seem to help.
I eventually got up and turned on my computer. I made coffee and breakfast, the ritual that I go through most mornings. I felt happy soon because talking to friends on-line dragged me back into the world. I felt quite cheerful if a little edgy. I was okay apart from the continued exhaustion and the thoughts that another night will leave me back in that pit.
I felt happy because I have good friends who care about me even when I may not care about myself !! It is amazing how often "On-line Therapy" saves my bacon. I just need to get on and do it. The rest of my day was amazingly good. I attended the planned introduction to Relaxation class. It was enjoyable and useful. I even made it to my slimming group in the evening, and walked both ways. My wallowing on the previous evening seemed to have given me a chance to recharge because I stayed up later than usual.
My choice is to get up and fuel the hyper tendencies or wallow at the risk of fueling the anxiety!! I decided to split the difference and set a daily alarm for 4 am. I treat 4am as my threshold of morning. Before this time, it is that place we call "middle of the night". On most nights I have done with sleeping by 4am. Typically on the first night trying this, I found it hard to fall asleep and the alarm woke be abruptly from sleep with "Planet Rock..." rather too loud for 4am. I might revert to a regular alarm bleeping sound !! The theory is that I get out of bed soon and get on with stuff. If I am struggling, I will try on-line therapy. If all else fails I will text a friend for some human contact... I think this might be a good strategy might be a good one. I am starting a relaxation class on Friday. Hopefully I can incorporate things I learn into my coping routine?
This post started as a post to a bipolar forum and became a note on Facebook. I thought it was worth extending into a blog post. I hope it might help someone else.