Feeling very good .. is it real?

This is one of the continued frustrations of someone who suffers mood swings. What is normal? Is my mood a function of brain chemistry, be it elation, depression, anxiety or plain old blah-ness. I find myself doubting my moods and I start wondering if it will last. Will it change back as fast as it became that way. This can happen over night for no particular reason. Mood swings, as in Bipolar Disorder, are not about something. This is a common misconception of the layman. They will say "What are you worried about?” or something equally meaningless to the sufferer. I guess friends and family mean well, but they probably won't get it. It is my goal to explain this issue in a way that outsider can understand. It's not like clinical depression. The symptoms are similar but the Bipolar person is rarely depressed about something when suffering a bipolar depression. The things that someone is depressed about may be a trigger of mood swings, but it is just a trigger. The mechanism of the mood swing is down to brain chemistry.

I became so good at controlling upwards mood swings that I was in danger of suppressing natural joy. This might a price that has to be paid but it is not good for the sufferer.

Recently my whole mood and outlook changed over night. I have no clue why it happened except that I had called the crisis team on the day before. I suspect that it made me realise that I was on my own. Subconsciously, I might have processed it over night. I'll never know, but I'll take it with both hands.

Since the epiphany, I have been a bit out of sorts. I have had a lot of the characteristics of hypomania. I dash about from task to task, as if there is no time to lose. I think it is a common characteristic of most manias. At least that is my experience. I have pushed myself hard all day from waking at 2am to 4am. Straight on to the computer, getting coffee, and really buzzing. It is on and on and on, without a break. It was as though it would fall apart if I took a break. I have been chatting in excess of 15 hours a day and I have been awake much longer, 19 hours on one occasion. It is not surprising that I have been getting exhausted by early evening. My appetite has increased significantly. I feel like I need to constantly refuel myself. Thanks to my slimming world experience, I am making mostly good food choices. Monday was a slight blip. I went to the store on a mission to treat myself. I came back loaded with pizzas, bagels, croissants, bread rolls and some deli cooked meats. I went way over the top. I did freeze most of the stuff and I haven't been over indulging. I really enjoyed the half pepperoni pizza for lunch. I couldn't resist eating the rest cold in the evening. It was just one bad day and I drew a line under it.

Yesterday I tried to get ready for slimming world by cutting back on food. I think my need for fuel wasn't met and I crashed prematurely in the late afternoon. I had to cancel my plans to go to group. I laid down for a couple of hours in the early evening. I salvaged the rest of the evening and managed to stay up until about 10:30. I committed in the chat room not to go in next day until 6am. I did this by having a lie in after I woke up. I was a bit restless but I made it. I entered chat at 6:01am.

I have been pacing myself today. The day is going a lot better. If I find myself going fast, I try to rein it back a little. I left the chat room deliberately to take a break from the intensity.

I feel really good. People might say it is delusion. I have suffered from bouts of mania and hypomania. While similar, it is also very different. I am sleeping fairly normally and that doesn't happen in the manias. It feels like I have the good side of a hypomania. I get stuff done. I think clearly. Washing up rarely stays around for more than 5 minutes. I have been cooking at 100 mph. I have been doing most things at 100 mph. Each time I have suffered a mania, I have gained more insight. Each time I have handled it better. This might be the final result of that process. I certainly hope so. I would like to think I can maintain something of this state.

I hope I am not deluding myself. I have 27 years experience of being bipolar and I think that counts for something. I have a very good support system on-line and my friends will tell me off if I seem out of control. It is good that many of my recent friends have only known me like this. Preconceptions are not helpful when supporting a bipolar sufferer. Friends and family need to recognise the vast swings that can happen in personality. They need to go with the flow if possible. I don't claim that it is easy. I sometimes feel that other sufferers are the only ones who truly understand. Even psychiatrists react to the manic persona.

The Importance of Music in Bipolar and in Recovery

Hey all,

I am playing "Touch me in the Morning" by Diana Ross on repeat. This is my song and has a calming effect on me. It made me cry a few years back. It takes me back to January 1983 as I walked round and round the compound in Saudi Arabia. Of course the weather was beautiful. It nearly always was apart from the occasional sand storm. I didn't know why I felt so good, especially since I had just had major back surgery in a foreign country. I tried to find out and ended up flying over the cuckoo's nest.

I don't start blabbing when I hear that song now but it affects me intensely. Now it is a joyful feeling. It's truly my song. How sad! It could have been Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. I could live with that. I do like Diana Ross. I shouldn't sell her short. I still pick it out on my computer or my IPOD.

I believe strongly in managing moods through music. If you are in the depths of a depression, nothing gets into your brain, but it's worth trying. Choose music carefully and try different types. Sometimes GNR hits the spot. Sometimes Dido. Sometimes Gloria Estefan. Sometimes Anoushka Shankar. Sometimes the sound of silence. I am deliberately broadening my music collection. Recently I discovered an affinity with sitar and indian music. I always had an affinity with indian food. Just added a spanish langauge CD from Gloria. Even have buddhist chants.

You can always find some music to calm the savage breast or hopefully cheer you up. For me, Diana never gets boring. They should use it in Gitmo.

Cheers, Bipolarfella

Back on the Surfboard !

I survived the night but woke way before 4am. The night was disturbed as usual despite 200mg of seroquel. ONE cup of coffee and a few exchanges on Twitter leaves me more hopeful. The cloud has lifted. I am eating porridge having exhausted all my forms of bread in the flat. It doesn't taste bad with Banana, honey and sultanas. It is 6.16am and twitter is down for maintenance until 7am. I have already updated my Norton software and Java this morning.

I really enjoy DJ'ing on blip.fm and posting songs on Twitter. I get a few props for my choices.

I was getting over confident with my riding of the hypomania. I did too much and it led to a mild crash. It is a strange feeling being up yet still in a cloud. I haven't been aware of it before. I may have been a bit reckless in view of my medication regime changes. I have new cholesterol meds and I am almost off lithium. It is a joy to feel again, albeit with the help of a bit of hypomania. I am still confused by the question of where I begin and where does the illness start? I would like to think that I have a spark which has been suppressed all of my life. I always thought that behaviour in mania reflects your basic character. For example, if you are non-violent, you won't be violent in mania. That is my untested opinion. I would appreciate any thoughts on that suggestion.

Hypomania - Curse or Benefit

Hypomania. It has been the precursor of a manic episode in my experience. This happened when I foolishly stopped taking my Lithium. It also happened at other times when I was stimulated by something good or bad. In the hypomanic state, you can be very creative. I produced some of my best work in this state. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand it when I returned to normality. The rush of hypomania can quickly give way to mania where crazy plans are made and executed. I believe that my lengthy experience of my mood swings puts me in a good place to catch hypomania early. It is dangerous to ride the elation of hypomania. It can get away from you and you are lost. I don't see anything good about mania. I never reached the realms of psychosis or religious delusions but I was truly lost.