I am really tired hearing about the inevitability of mood swings, mania in particular. Even Kay Redfield Jamison, an eminent expert in bipolar disorder, talks as though the madness is inevitable. Maybe I am out there with Tim Wootton, but I don't believe it. I suffered my first full-blown mania in 1982. Granted, my manias have never been as severe as other sufferers but the disruption was just as bad. I can honestly say that each subsequent mania has been less severe than the previous one. I don't just take it when the hypomania clutches me. I work on it and I have developed coping mechanisms.
I may have flown off on a doomed mission to work in Singapore in 1996. It wasn't the impulsive manic flight of fancy like in previous manias. It was fairly well planned and considered, but just a little crazy. It was more about the frustration in my life and career at the time. The manic edge gave me the ability to convince some poor person to employ me unseen. I never actually met the poor person because he was out of the office in my brief stay at Citibank's Singapore offices. I behaved inappropriately in Singapore before I started work and I really burnt out. I wasn't at all welcome in the office and I jumped ship back to Los Angeles. I blew a lot of money on fancy hotels but that was the extent of my mania. The crash came in a miserable depression back in England. This was after another abortive job (acquired and started in Sacramento), a spell with my mother in law, and a flight to England without warning. The depth of the later depression far exceeded the heights of the mania.
My few manic periods since 1996 have been very mild. They may have gone beyond hypomania, but only marginally. My hypomanias have been milder too. I shudder to say controlled but I felt that in 2009 as I wrote my first book. I can't claim to have conjured up the hypomania but I didn't fight it and it facilitated the writing process. I came down on the day of the books publication, two and a half months after starting writing. That was my last real period of hypomania. I have become adept at spotting the upward mood swings and I can stop them in their tracks. The only regret is that I sometimes stop genuine good feelings. I feel as though I am getting past this as I gain insight.
I have just had 5 weeks of feeling great, with the odd blip due to over tiredness. It had tinges of hypomanic behaviour but it never crossed the line. I don't delude myself and I would admit it if I was wrong. I might be deluding myself that I have found some sort of Nirvana, but I will take it for what it is. I feel somewhat normal for the first time in years, maybe forever! I have worked hard for these 5 weeks as I think earlier blog posts demonstrate. I have documented the journey and I don't think any of it could be considered "crazy". I get moments of feeling guilty for feeling so good. I worry about being in the company of others who can't accept the difference. I certainly hope the Clive of recent months and years is not the real deal. I have been all shades of depressed, hypomania, anxious, but rarely happy, cheerful, contented... Choose your own word. I could worry for England and now I don't know what to worry about. I don't know what I worried about. Everything changed over night and I can't help worrying that I might revert the same way. I hope I have worked hard enough to give me a fighting chance.
I have been reading Tim Wootton's book Bipolar in Order in the last week or so. It is based on his theory of the Bipolar Advantage. When I read that book, I thought he was crazy. I think he is crazy but he admits it and he is happy being crazy. That is his basic premise. It is not the mania, depression, hallucinations and psychosis, it is the way we treat it as being really undesirable, to be stopped at all costs with pharmacology and maybe ect. Tim lives with his mood swings and delusions. He gives lecture tours. He seems very happy, happier than most people I know.
I hope I haven't rambled on too much. It just had to come out. I hope it makes sense. I really hate to re-read blogs that came out so naturally (without thought). Funny how my vocabulary improves when I am like this, maybe even my spelling.
As usual comments are much appreciated.
Clive
Showing posts with label Hypomania. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hypomania. Show all posts
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Delusional? Possibly but I don't think so..
I have experienced several manic episodes over the years. I have had several periods of hypomania, where productivity increases for a while. The effects usually wear off or I drift into full blown mania. I have tried to learn from each experience, never taking anything for granted and never accepting that it can't be improved. Each mania was less severe than previous ones. Each hypomania was less severe than the previous ones. I wrote my first book in a state of hypomania. That started almost 2 years ago to the day. My life seems to have gone full circle. My mental state was valuable in my writing. While I felt in control, I was definitely in a state of hypomania and riding sort of tsunami. I was awake from 2 until 4am every day and most of the writing took place in that period. I was also blogging prolifically. It is 2 am as I write this!!
I woke up on January 5th feeling "normal" for the first time in months. "normal" is not a concept I understand, but it might be what I would like as my "normal". I seem to have woken from a waking nightmare of anxiety and worry. This may sound dramatic but I believe it. These past three weeks have been peppered with problems, sleep problems, hyper activity and a tendency to do too much for too long. It never felt like it was hypomania while it shared many of the traits. The edginess, the dashing around with no time to lose, the clear thinking and the feeling that there is no time to lose. My sleep has remained constant, even though it has been somewhat chaotic at times. I have gotten over tired at times due to doing too much.
I get to doubt my improved mood when I am very tired. This doubt has faded as I learnt that the mood dip was caused by tiredness. Once I accepted this, I have gone from strength to strength. The stream of negative thoughts has diminished to a trickle. They now come and go as the positive thoughts used to. I feel really calm and really at ease with myself. I was dreading the rest of my life when the New Year came. I can no longer see what that was all about. I can't see why I struggled to get out of bed every day, why I wanted to go back to bed as soon as possible, in short why I was an anxious mess.
Christmas came and went. I made the most of it but soon returned to my isolated existence and to my comfort zone. I cancelled a concert visit in May of 2010, a trip I had planned much earlier when I was more "normal". I was looking forward to my first concert in ages. The anxiety prevented me going and I was sad about that. I wasn't anxious about any aspect of doing it. I was just anxious. This is hard to explain to people, the same people who say "What are you depressed about?". They just don't get it and probably will never get it unless they suffer themselves.
I am reluctant to express these feelings. It might well sound like delusions of grandeur. Nothing could be further from the truth. Given my previous M.O. , I would have been long gone by now on a flight of fancy to somewhere a long way away. I am no longer nervous of having a passport and available funds. If I felt any danger of a problem, I would place my passport in safe keeping. I am thinking of travel in a way that anyone else would think about their next vacation. Last year I was terrified by the thought of travelling alone. I am amazed by the range of mood variations. It is not surprising that others are frightened by them. They are incredulous to me some times.
I feel great. I am nothing like the "Clive" that long term friends and family have experienced. That is too bad. I can't do the same thing to myself that lithium may have done for so long. I have to be who I am meant to be not the largely messed up Clive described in my autobiography. If people can't go with me, it is unfortunate but unavoidable. I have held myself back all my life because of everyone's expectations which became my expectations. It has taken me until near to my 61st birthday but I was always a slow learner, a late bloomer. Fortunately, my weight loss has given me the physical health to match my mental well being.
What next? Who knows? I am going to work hard on maintaining a sense of self. I am going to work on the second book I promised ages ago. I have found my focus. I know what I want to write and I know why.
I woke up on January 5th feeling "normal" for the first time in months. "normal" is not a concept I understand, but it might be what I would like as my "normal". I seem to have woken from a waking nightmare of anxiety and worry. This may sound dramatic but I believe it. These past three weeks have been peppered with problems, sleep problems, hyper activity and a tendency to do too much for too long. It never felt like it was hypomania while it shared many of the traits. The edginess, the dashing around with no time to lose, the clear thinking and the feeling that there is no time to lose. My sleep has remained constant, even though it has been somewhat chaotic at times. I have gotten over tired at times due to doing too much.
I get to doubt my improved mood when I am very tired. This doubt has faded as I learnt that the mood dip was caused by tiredness. Once I accepted this, I have gone from strength to strength. The stream of negative thoughts has diminished to a trickle. They now come and go as the positive thoughts used to. I feel really calm and really at ease with myself. I was dreading the rest of my life when the New Year came. I can no longer see what that was all about. I can't see why I struggled to get out of bed every day, why I wanted to go back to bed as soon as possible, in short why I was an anxious mess.
Christmas came and went. I made the most of it but soon returned to my isolated existence and to my comfort zone. I cancelled a concert visit in May of 2010, a trip I had planned much earlier when I was more "normal". I was looking forward to my first concert in ages. The anxiety prevented me going and I was sad about that. I wasn't anxious about any aspect of doing it. I was just anxious. This is hard to explain to people, the same people who say "What are you depressed about?". They just don't get it and probably will never get it unless they suffer themselves.
I am reluctant to express these feelings. It might well sound like delusions of grandeur. Nothing could be further from the truth. Given my previous M.O. , I would have been long gone by now on a flight of fancy to somewhere a long way away. I am no longer nervous of having a passport and available funds. If I felt any danger of a problem, I would place my passport in safe keeping. I am thinking of travel in a way that anyone else would think about their next vacation. Last year I was terrified by the thought of travelling alone. I am amazed by the range of mood variations. It is not surprising that others are frightened by them. They are incredulous to me some times.
I feel great. I am nothing like the "Clive" that long term friends and family have experienced. That is too bad. I can't do the same thing to myself that lithium may have done for so long. I have to be who I am meant to be not the largely messed up Clive described in my autobiography. If people can't go with me, it is unfortunate but unavoidable. I have held myself back all my life because of everyone's expectations which became my expectations. It has taken me until near to my 61st birthday but I was always a slow learner, a late bloomer. Fortunately, my weight loss has given me the physical health to match my mental well being.
What next? Who knows? I am going to work hard on maintaining a sense of self. I am going to work on the second book I promised ages ago. I have found my focus. I know what I want to write and I know why.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Feeling very good .. is it real?
This is one of the continued frustrations of someone who suffers mood swings. What is normal? Is my mood a function of brain chemistry, be it elation, depression, anxiety or plain old blah-ness. I find myself doubting my moods and I start wondering if it will last. Will it change back as fast as it became that way. This can happen over night for no particular reason. Mood swings, as in Bipolar Disorder, are not about something. This is a common misconception of the layman. They will say "What are you worried about?” or something equally meaningless to the sufferer. I guess friends and family mean well, but they probably won't get it. It is my goal to explain this issue in a way that outsider can understand. It's not like clinical depression. The symptoms are similar but the Bipolar person is rarely depressed about something when suffering a bipolar depression. The things that someone is depressed about may be a trigger of mood swings, but it is just a trigger. The mechanism of the mood swing is down to brain chemistry.
I became so good at controlling upwards mood swings that I was in danger of suppressing natural joy. This might a price that has to be paid but it is not good for the sufferer.
Recently my whole mood and outlook changed over night. I have no clue why it happened except that I had called the crisis team on the day before. I suspect that it made me realise that I was on my own. Subconsciously, I might have processed it over night. I'll never know, but I'll take it with both hands.
Since the epiphany, I have been a bit out of sorts. I have had a lot of the characteristics of hypomania. I dash about from task to task, as if there is no time to lose. I think it is a common characteristic of most manias. At least that is my experience. I have pushed myself hard all day from waking at 2am to 4am. Straight on to the computer, getting coffee, and really buzzing. It is on and on and on, without a break. It was as though it would fall apart if I took a break. I have been chatting in excess of 15 hours a day and I have been awake much longer, 19 hours on one occasion. It is not surprising that I have been getting exhausted by early evening. My appetite has increased significantly. I feel like I need to constantly refuel myself. Thanks to my slimming world experience, I am making mostly good food choices. Monday was a slight blip. I went to the store on a mission to treat myself. I came back loaded with pizzas, bagels, croissants, bread rolls and some deli cooked meats. I went way over the top. I did freeze most of the stuff and I haven't been over indulging. I really enjoyed the half pepperoni pizza for lunch. I couldn't resist eating the rest cold in the evening. It was just one bad day and I drew a line under it.
Yesterday I tried to get ready for slimming world by cutting back on food. I think my need for fuel wasn't met and I crashed prematurely in the late afternoon. I had to cancel my plans to go to group. I laid down for a couple of hours in the early evening. I salvaged the rest of the evening and managed to stay up until about 10:30. I committed in the chat room not to go in next day until 6am. I did this by having a lie in after I woke up. I was a bit restless but I made it. I entered chat at 6:01am.
I have been pacing myself today. The day is going a lot better. If I find myself going fast, I try to rein it back a little. I left the chat room deliberately to take a break from the intensity.
I feel really good. People might say it is delusion. I have suffered from bouts of mania and hypomania. While similar, it is also very different. I am sleeping fairly normally and that doesn't happen in the manias. It feels like I have the good side of a hypomania. I get stuff done. I think clearly. Washing up rarely stays around for more than 5 minutes. I have been cooking at 100 mph. I have been doing most things at 100 mph. Each time I have suffered a mania, I have gained more insight. Each time I have handled it better. This might be the final result of that process. I certainly hope so. I would like to think I can maintain something of this state.
I hope I am not deluding myself. I have 27 years experience of being bipolar and I think that counts for something. I have a very good support system on-line and my friends will tell me off if I seem out of control. It is good that many of my recent friends have only known me like this. Preconceptions are not helpful when supporting a bipolar sufferer. Friends and family need to recognise the vast swings that can happen in personality. They need to go with the flow if possible. I don't claim that it is easy. I sometimes feel that other sufferers are the only ones who truly understand. Even psychiatrists react to the manic persona.
I became so good at controlling upwards mood swings that I was in danger of suppressing natural joy. This might a price that has to be paid but it is not good for the sufferer.
Recently my whole mood and outlook changed over night. I have no clue why it happened except that I had called the crisis team on the day before. I suspect that it made me realise that I was on my own. Subconsciously, I might have processed it over night. I'll never know, but I'll take it with both hands.
Since the epiphany, I have been a bit out of sorts. I have had a lot of the characteristics of hypomania. I dash about from task to task, as if there is no time to lose. I think it is a common characteristic of most manias. At least that is my experience. I have pushed myself hard all day from waking at 2am to 4am. Straight on to the computer, getting coffee, and really buzzing. It is on and on and on, without a break. It was as though it would fall apart if I took a break. I have been chatting in excess of 15 hours a day and I have been awake much longer, 19 hours on one occasion. It is not surprising that I have been getting exhausted by early evening. My appetite has increased significantly. I feel like I need to constantly refuel myself. Thanks to my slimming world experience, I am making mostly good food choices. Monday was a slight blip. I went to the store on a mission to treat myself. I came back loaded with pizzas, bagels, croissants, bread rolls and some deli cooked meats. I went way over the top. I did freeze most of the stuff and I haven't been over indulging. I really enjoyed the half pepperoni pizza for lunch. I couldn't resist eating the rest cold in the evening. It was just one bad day and I drew a line under it.
Yesterday I tried to get ready for slimming world by cutting back on food. I think my need for fuel wasn't met and I crashed prematurely in the late afternoon. I had to cancel my plans to go to group. I laid down for a couple of hours in the early evening. I salvaged the rest of the evening and managed to stay up until about 10:30. I committed in the chat room not to go in next day until 6am. I did this by having a lie in after I woke up. I was a bit restless but I made it. I entered chat at 6:01am.
I have been pacing myself today. The day is going a lot better. If I find myself going fast, I try to rein it back a little. I left the chat room deliberately to take a break from the intensity.
I feel really good. People might say it is delusion. I have suffered from bouts of mania and hypomania. While similar, it is also very different. I am sleeping fairly normally and that doesn't happen in the manias. It feels like I have the good side of a hypomania. I get stuff done. I think clearly. Washing up rarely stays around for more than 5 minutes. I have been cooking at 100 mph. I have been doing most things at 100 mph. Each time I have suffered a mania, I have gained more insight. Each time I have handled it better. This might be the final result of that process. I certainly hope so. I would like to think I can maintain something of this state.
I hope I am not deluding myself. I have 27 years experience of being bipolar and I think that counts for something. I have a very good support system on-line and my friends will tell me off if I seem out of control. It is good that many of my recent friends have only known me like this. Preconceptions are not helpful when supporting a bipolar sufferer. Friends and family need to recognise the vast swings that can happen in personality. They need to go with the flow if possible. I don't claim that it is easy. I sometimes feel that other sufferers are the only ones who truly understand. Even psychiatrists react to the manic persona.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive..
I am not talking about the depression , the anxiety or even the mania. Maybe I am talking about the hypomania? I think it is possible to achieve a state that stays below that edgy and jerky feeling of hypomania. It's sometimes productive, but sleep suffers and you are not fully in control.
You may think me delusional but I have honestly not gone that far in any of my manic experiences. I am in a state of happiness, not elation of hypomania, a really nice relaxed place. It is true I have been a bit edgy, my sleep is a bit off, my appetite is higher. I find myself smiling a lot, even at 2-8am in the night. That is the secret life I am talking about. Those night time hours when no one can hear you scream.
All I can say is, "thank goodness for the internet, email, chat rooms and all that". I don't know how I would have coped in the past, even 15 years ago. I am thankful for my IPOD and a good set of headphones. I can keep myself entertained without upsetting the neighbours. This is a good secret life and it it can be nurtured with a little attention to coping skills. I just try to keep my mood from drifting into hypomania. I no longer see mania has a real threat. I have found lots of insight through the school of hard knocks.
I am in a good place. It is unfortunate that it happens mostly in the hours of darkness. I am not sure even my good online friends understand where I am. they might ask "Are you sure your okay?" At least there is little chance of a visit from the men in white coats, the MH police. I hardly exist in the eyes of the MH system. I see my psychiatrist on infrequent occasions and that is worthwhile. I have called the crisis team on rare occasions, most recently on Jan 4th, 2011. My mood picked up on the 5th. No rhyme or reason. I suspect it was the fact that the crisis team offered nothing of note. I just woke up next day as a different person.
I wouldn't go as far as saying I was normal. I am not sure I ever was "normal", whatever that is. if normal is what I was most of my life, I don't ever want it again. I want to to retain my current "happy" state. My sleep pattern is a bit odd right now, but I am sleeping, maybe 4-6 hours. I started getting tired early in the evening and turned in early quite often. This led to early waking (2-3am) and long waking nights. I have blogged about this in the past and I find it the biggest challenge.
In depression or anxiety, you can usually just plod along in a zombie-like state. In full-blown mania you can be away with the fairies. While this is not good, you can be impervious to any problems. My current state, or even hypomania, is a big challenge. I still think pretty clearly and need to keep busy, entertained, fed etc etc. I find that blasting music loudly in the IPOD helps. In depressed or anxious moods, I cannot even play the radio, and sometimes not the TV. I have recently found that I can handle audio books when reading wouldn't be an option.
I hope I am not rambling on. I will stop now in case I do.
Life is good. I found a really supportive chat room that I go to a lot. I have found someone who might be able to produce an audio copy of my first book. I have sent pdf's of the book to several friends and I await their feedback. I have found my focus for the follow up book and I have a working title. I am blogging again and engaging with people.
Thanks for reading this. I hope it is thought provoking? Please comment or send feedback by email, thru facebook or W.H.Y?
You may think me delusional but I have honestly not gone that far in any of my manic experiences. I am in a state of happiness, not elation of hypomania, a really nice relaxed place. It is true I have been a bit edgy, my sleep is a bit off, my appetite is higher. I find myself smiling a lot, even at 2-8am in the night. That is the secret life I am talking about. Those night time hours when no one can hear you scream.
All I can say is, "thank goodness for the internet, email, chat rooms and all that". I don't know how I would have coped in the past, even 15 years ago. I am thankful for my IPOD and a good set of headphones. I can keep myself entertained without upsetting the neighbours. This is a good secret life and it it can be nurtured with a little attention to coping skills. I just try to keep my mood from drifting into hypomania. I no longer see mania has a real threat. I have found lots of insight through the school of hard knocks.
I am in a good place. It is unfortunate that it happens mostly in the hours of darkness. I am not sure even my good online friends understand where I am. they might ask "Are you sure your okay?" At least there is little chance of a visit from the men in white coats, the MH police. I hardly exist in the eyes of the MH system. I see my psychiatrist on infrequent occasions and that is worthwhile. I have called the crisis team on rare occasions, most recently on Jan 4th, 2011. My mood picked up on the 5th. No rhyme or reason. I suspect it was the fact that the crisis team offered nothing of note. I just woke up next day as a different person.
I wouldn't go as far as saying I was normal. I am not sure I ever was "normal", whatever that is. if normal is what I was most of my life, I don't ever want it again. I want to to retain my current "happy" state. My sleep pattern is a bit odd right now, but I am sleeping, maybe 4-6 hours. I started getting tired early in the evening and turned in early quite often. This led to early waking (2-3am) and long waking nights. I have blogged about this in the past and I find it the biggest challenge.
In depression or anxiety, you can usually just plod along in a zombie-like state. In full-blown mania you can be away with the fairies. While this is not good, you can be impervious to any problems. My current state, or even hypomania, is a big challenge. I still think pretty clearly and need to keep busy, entertained, fed etc etc. I find that blasting music loudly in the IPOD helps. In depressed or anxious moods, I cannot even play the radio, and sometimes not the TV. I have recently found that I can handle audio books when reading wouldn't be an option.
I hope I am not rambling on. I will stop now in case I do.
Life is good. I found a really supportive chat room that I go to a lot. I have found someone who might be able to produce an audio copy of my first book. I have sent pdf's of the book to several friends and I await their feedback. I have found my focus for the follow up book and I have a working title. I am blogging again and engaging with people.
Thanks for reading this. I hope it is thought provoking? Please comment or send feedback by email, thru facebook or W.H.Y?
Sunday, 29 March 2009
My Book
I began a quest to write my life story in a book. It is not an autobiography. How can I compete with all the celebs who have someone writing for them? It is about my experiences as a bipolar person. I have covered my whole life for completeness in order to give some some sort of base line. I started writing just over two months ago. I have had the advantage of not sleeping a lot and of being hypomanic. It is likely that I wouldn't have written my story without the help of my hypomania. I was able to get through some difficult parts of my life.
The publisher that I chose has been marvellous. They are professional and very prompt. I received the first set of galleys (proofs) on Saturday. I didn't know what a galley was until recently. I have found about 15 more typos (my fault) and a couple of layout issues. I am not sure if it is possible to ever read though a manuscript and be totally happy. This time the typos were all very minor but I want the best product possible. Because it is self publishing, I have to settle on a very good final script. One round of corrections must suffice.
It is exciting to see my book coming together. I already have an ISBN number and the whole thing seems real. It is good to see the first layout of the book even though it is in a pdf file.
The publisher has done a good job in placing my 39 colour photos. It makes the book come in at 70 pages. My only concern is that the retail price is set by the number of pages. Being a full colour book, the price will be higher than that of a regular paperback. I have the option of buying copies at a good author discount. This may be my best avenue. I can try my hand at some marketing.
I am pleased that I have written my story. It has pushed me into the world of publishing and it has broadened my horizons. My years of IT experience come in very useful indirectly. After all, book production is now very much a computer application.
Making money was never a big factor for me in this endevour. I can now see there may be possiblities to make money as well as getting a good message out. My first objective is to cover my up front costs. That would be satisfying in itself.
I'm sure my blogs have been different to my book's writing. They have been largely written in a spontaneous and unplanned way. I am forcing myself at the moment and I am curious to see how it compares to previous blogging.
I was amazed to find that I had blogged almost 40 pages in the last two months. I seem to have opened up a valve that had been stuck closed for quite some time. I always thought that I had stuff to say but I was such a withdrawn person. I feel like myself for the first time and I am happy in my skin. That may sound strange but it's the way it is.
Regards,
BipolarFella
The publisher that I chose has been marvellous. They are professional and very prompt. I received the first set of galleys (proofs) on Saturday. I didn't know what a galley was until recently. I have found about 15 more typos (my fault) and a couple of layout issues. I am not sure if it is possible to ever read though a manuscript and be totally happy. This time the typos were all very minor but I want the best product possible. Because it is self publishing, I have to settle on a very good final script. One round of corrections must suffice.
It is exciting to see my book coming together. I already have an ISBN number and the whole thing seems real. It is good to see the first layout of the book even though it is in a pdf file.
The publisher has done a good job in placing my 39 colour photos. It makes the book come in at 70 pages. My only concern is that the retail price is set by the number of pages. Being a full colour book, the price will be higher than that of a regular paperback. I have the option of buying copies at a good author discount. This may be my best avenue. I can try my hand at some marketing.
I am pleased that I have written my story. It has pushed me into the world of publishing and it has broadened my horizons. My years of IT experience come in very useful indirectly. After all, book production is now very much a computer application.
Making money was never a big factor for me in this endevour. I can now see there may be possiblities to make money as well as getting a good message out. My first objective is to cover my up front costs. That would be satisfying in itself.
I'm sure my blogs have been different to my book's writing. They have been largely written in a spontaneous and unplanned way. I am forcing myself at the moment and I am curious to see how it compares to previous blogging.
I was amazed to find that I had blogged almost 40 pages in the last two months. I seem to have opened up a valve that had been stuck closed for quite some time. I always thought that I had stuff to say but I was such a withdrawn person. I feel like myself for the first time and I am happy in my skin. That may sound strange but it's the way it is.
Regards,
BipolarFella
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
A foreword to my story...
I have added a foreword to my story. It will hopefully make reading the story easier for the non-bipolar who has little or no previous knowledge. Please feel ok to feedback by any means.
The following is a true account of my life, mostly as it relates to Bipolar Disorder, an illness that I have lived with for 27 years or longer. Sometimes life imitates the illness and it can be destructive. There is not a clear line between life’s problems and the illness.
Please do not judge my behaviour on the evidence of this story. I made some bad decisions regardless of my illness. That’s not the point. Decisions made in a full-blown manic state are not based on insight. It mostly based on what seems right at the time. The thing that is right one minute can be discarded and replaced without regrets. The bipolar in a mania just thinks of things and then does them, sometimes repeatedly changing tracks. They have lost touch with reality and they have no interest in how it affects other people. This includes family, friends and doctors. The bipolar person talks incessantly and quickly, sometimes incoherently. In the worse cases, they can become psychotic, delusional and think they are superhuman.
Hypomania is the first stage of an episode but it doesn’t have to escalate. Good self management can keep it in check. It is a mild mania in which the person can be highly creative, surviving on little sleep. This is where I have been for many weeks while writing this story. The style may be a little odd but I think it is readable. I have never used my hypomania deliberately before and I have had a great time. I doubted the thinking of Tom Wootton in “The Bipolar Advantage”. I think he may be over the top but I take my hat off to him. I only recently gained the insight and control to ride the waves of hypomania. It is like automatic writing sometimes and I feel someone else is typing.
I am just trying to clarify the context. I don’t mind if you judge the work or even me. I am not after a Pulitzer Prize. I just want to inform in as clear a way as possible. I did some weird stuff under the influence of the manias. Things I would not do normally or even consider. On the other hand it was mostly fun and intoxicating. It can be hard to give up the highs, especially when the meds leave you zombie-like. Please try to read it and understand me a little more. More important, please try to understand the illness. It is only an illness like cancer but it is a life setence. I have done my share of apologising and I regret the loss of friends. I regret the effect on continuing relationships which are jaded. Mostly, try to enjoy and understand more about Bipolar illness. However the way it presents is different in all people. There is a common thread.
Cheers, Bipolarfella
The following is a true account of my life, mostly as it relates to Bipolar Disorder, an illness that I have lived with for 27 years or longer. Sometimes life imitates the illness and it can be destructive. There is not a clear line between life’s problems and the illness.
Please do not judge my behaviour on the evidence of this story. I made some bad decisions regardless of my illness. That’s not the point. Decisions made in a full-blown manic state are not based on insight. It mostly based on what seems right at the time. The thing that is right one minute can be discarded and replaced without regrets. The bipolar in a mania just thinks of things and then does them, sometimes repeatedly changing tracks. They have lost touch with reality and they have no interest in how it affects other people. This includes family, friends and doctors. The bipolar person talks incessantly and quickly, sometimes incoherently. In the worse cases, they can become psychotic, delusional and think they are superhuman.
Hypomania is the first stage of an episode but it doesn’t have to escalate. Good self management can keep it in check. It is a mild mania in which the person can be highly creative, surviving on little sleep. This is where I have been for many weeks while writing this story. The style may be a little odd but I think it is readable. I have never used my hypomania deliberately before and I have had a great time. I doubted the thinking of Tom Wootton in “The Bipolar Advantage”. I think he may be over the top but I take my hat off to him. I only recently gained the insight and control to ride the waves of hypomania. It is like automatic writing sometimes and I feel someone else is typing.
I am just trying to clarify the context. I don’t mind if you judge the work or even me. I am not after a Pulitzer Prize. I just want to inform in as clear a way as possible. I did some weird stuff under the influence of the manias. Things I would not do normally or even consider. On the other hand it was mostly fun and intoxicating. It can be hard to give up the highs, especially when the meds leave you zombie-like. Please try to read it and understand me a little more. More important, please try to understand the illness. It is only an illness like cancer but it is a life setence. I have done my share of apologising and I regret the loss of friends. I regret the effect on continuing relationships which are jaded. Mostly, try to enjoy and understand more about Bipolar illness. However the way it presents is different in all people. There is a common thread.
Cheers, Bipolarfella
Friday, 27 February 2009
A voice from beyond 9pm
I never thought it would happen. It is passed 9.30 pm and I am still awake. I am functioning pretty well. I have chilled where possible for a few days and it is paying off. I enjoy twittering but I have to moderate it. If I go too far, my mood starts to get uncomfortable. I can see my goal of 10pm being possible. That has been my "bedtime" for quite some time. It means that I can in theory push my wakeup time out a little. I am due for a really good night or the "crash" as I call it.
I read my bipolar story straight through this evening. One thing was that there were only about 6 minor corrrections in 16 pages. It felt like someone else had written it because I wrote most of it when hypomanic in the dark of night. It felt like automatic writing. It had to be because I can't type very well. I could only write a maximum of 3 pages before feeling exhausted.
I impressed myself with my writing. That is a new sensation for me and I am very proud. I see why my neighbour enjoyed reading it. I have about 8 other people who have a copy and I hope they can also give feedback. It might not be an easy read unless you distance yourself from the subject which is 27 years in a bipolar person's life.
I read my bipolar story straight through this evening. One thing was that there were only about 6 minor corrrections in 16 pages. It felt like someone else had written it because I wrote most of it when hypomanic in the dark of night. It felt like automatic writing. It had to be because I can't type very well. I could only write a maximum of 3 pages before feeling exhausted.
I impressed myself with my writing. That is a new sensation for me and I am very proud. I see why my neighbour enjoyed reading it. I have about 8 other people who have a copy and I hope they can also give feedback. It might not be an easy read unless you distance yourself from the subject which is 27 years in a bipolar person's life.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Back on the Surfboard !
I survived the night but woke way before 4am. The night was disturbed as usual despite 200mg of seroquel. ONE cup of coffee and a few exchanges on Twitter leaves me more hopeful. The cloud has lifted. I am eating porridge having exhausted all my forms of bread in the flat. It doesn't taste bad with Banana, honey and sultanas. It is 6.16am and twitter is down for maintenance until 7am. I have already updated my Norton software and Java this morning.
I really enjoy DJ'ing on blip.fm and posting songs on Twitter. I get a few props for my choices.
I was getting over confident with my riding of the hypomania. I did too much and it led to a mild crash. It is a strange feeling being up yet still in a cloud. I haven't been aware of it before. I may have been a bit reckless in view of my medication regime changes. I have new cholesterol meds and I am almost off lithium. It is a joy to feel again, albeit with the help of a bit of hypomania. I am still confused by the question of where I begin and where does the illness start? I would like to think that I have a spark which has been suppressed all of my life. I always thought that behaviour in mania reflects your basic character. For example, if you are non-violent, you won't be violent in mania. That is my untested opinion. I would appreciate any thoughts on that suggestion.
I really enjoy DJ'ing on blip.fm and posting songs on Twitter. I get a few props for my choices.
I was getting over confident with my riding of the hypomania. I did too much and it led to a mild crash. It is a strange feeling being up yet still in a cloud. I haven't been aware of it before. I may have been a bit reckless in view of my medication regime changes. I have new cholesterol meds and I am almost off lithium. It is a joy to feel again, albeit with the help of a bit of hypomania. I am still confused by the question of where I begin and where does the illness start? I would like to think that I have a spark which has been suppressed all of my life. I always thought that behaviour in mania reflects your basic character. For example, if you are non-violent, you won't be violent in mania. That is my untested opinion. I would appreciate any thoughts on that suggestion.
A Day of Changing Moods
I was riding the hypomanic surfboard this morning and I seem to have fallen off. I felt so good this morning but I was awake before 4am again. I over did things and got too much stimulation. Now it is 15 hours after waking and I feel like a different person. Sullen, sad, paranoid. I reached out for online friends and I found one new Twitter friend and one I have talked to for a few years. I find that fellow sufferers are the best support. They know where you are coming from. I hope a good night's sleep changes things. The problem there is the word "good". I will probably take 200mg of seroquel. I am nervous of taking more because my meds are in flux. I watched 3 hours of 24 series 6 straight through. That might have been a mistake. I didn't enjoy it as I normally do. I had an insight into hypomania this morning. I feel like I am flitting around and doing things too fast. I realized that it was like Peter Pan flying around or more accurately Tinkerbell. Maybe I know why my friend is BipolarTink? I find myself rushing around from one thing to the next, impatient to get things done. I type fast and usually very accurately. That's why I like working on my story. I am still like that but there is an overwhelming cloud over me. I can still think and I function quite well.
Monday, 9 February 2009
Hypomania - Curse or Benefit
Hypomania. It has been the precursor of a manic episode in my experience. This happened when I foolishly stopped taking my Lithium. It also happened at other times when I was stimulated by something good or bad. In the hypomanic state, you can be very creative. I produced some of my best work in this state. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand it when I returned to normality. The rush of hypomania can quickly give way to mania where crazy plans are made and executed. I believe that my lengthy experience of my mood swings puts me in a good place to catch hypomania early. It is dangerous to ride the elation of hypomania. It can get away from you and you are lost. I don't see anything good about mania. I never reached the realms of psychosis or religious delusions but I was truly lost.
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