I survived the night but woke way before 4am. The night was disturbed as usual despite 200mg of seroquel. ONE cup of coffee and a few exchanges on Twitter leaves me more hopeful. The cloud has lifted. I am eating porridge having exhausted all my forms of bread in the flat. It doesn't taste bad with Banana, honey and sultanas. It is 6.16am and twitter is down for maintenance until 7am. I have already updated my Norton software and Java this morning.
I really enjoy DJ'ing on blip.fm and posting songs on Twitter. I get a few props for my choices.
I was getting over confident with my riding of the hypomania. I did too much and it led to a mild crash. It is a strange feeling being up yet still in a cloud. I haven't been aware of it before. I may have been a bit reckless in view of my medication regime changes. I have new cholesterol meds and I am almost off lithium. It is a joy to feel again, albeit with the help of a bit of hypomania. I am still confused by the question of where I begin and where does the illness start? I would like to think that I have a spark which has been suppressed all of my life. I always thought that behaviour in mania reflects your basic character. For example, if you are non-violent, you won't be violent in mania. That is my untested opinion. I would appreciate any thoughts on that suggestion.
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I think the question "where does the illness end and I begin?" is the question of the ages. I think you have a wonderful theory.
ReplyDeleteRandy and I were discussing this very topic last night. He gets overly affectionate, loving, giving, etc. when he's in his hypermania state. I feel uncomfortable because I had assumed that it was his bipolar making him do it. He told me that the behavior is him not bipolar. He's just more excited, more aware of his past actions, and wants to do whatever he can to make up for all that he's done to hurt my feelings at other times.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be on the right track with this thought. This information can be a benefit to the loved ones of a bipolar person and explaining to others as well. If someone is confused and is not sure who the real person is behind the bipolar, have them pay attention to the hypermania state.
Clive you are amazing!