Sunday, 1 March 2009

Viva La Vida.

Not the Coldplay album but I really like it and It's playing on my ipod. I have realized that getting my story written and out there will let me draw a line under a largely troubled period. I am not saying it was all bad. In fact it was better in some ways than my earlier life. I have a draft finished and I already feel like I can go forward. A lot of things have been subconsciously holding me back. I don't yet know what the rest of my life holds, but I feel capable of finding out now.

I have started my story on numerous occasions. Not until I let someone see it , did I get past the roadblocks. I now have about sixteen people reading it and the initial reactions are good. I still can't tell if someone is being kind. I feel better if comments come in unsolicited. I posted my story excerpt on Facebook and got two good comments. These two people now have a copy of the draft.

I have never been shy about my illness. It is so liberating now I have gone the extra step. I think hiding your illness feeds stigma rather that lessening it. I don't care who knows. I have the advantage of not having a job and being a bit reclusive. I am a bit reclusive by nature but I miss the closeness of friends. I have lost a lot of confidence in socialising. I never really had that confidence unless I was manic.

Not many weeks ago, I was wondering why I got up in the mornings. I wasn't suicidal but I wasn't very happy. Now I feel a lot more positive. I still have moments of doubt when my energy begins to drain. I know this feeling from my earlier manic phases. I know it will pass although it sometimes worries me.

All I have to do is work out a future. I am better now I have replaced early morning vegetating with cyber activity. Not everyone likes Twitter but it has been the catalyst to my recovery. I have found new joy without drugs or having to go into a mania. Mania wasn't real. I know I was having fun but I couldn't share it with anyone. It was always a secret. Now the cat's out of the bag.

Getting my story finished, edited and published will be stage one. I may not be a "writer" but I think I will blog while I can. I always thought I had nothing to say but I was just very shy. I can't help wondering which is my true personality. I always thought my true personality was suppressed by my early life experiences. I guess I will never know unless I go in for a life regression.
Can the young man in the picture have become the miserable reclusive person of later years?
Viva La Vida !!!

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