Saturday, 21 February 2009

The Loneliest Time

I consider myself a very lonely person. Most of my friends have backed off or disappeared because of my bipolar disorder. Some just heard about it. I just heard from a friend of 26 years and that was a relief. He was there for me before I was diagnosed. There are exceptions and I have a lot of bipolar friends. These are friends that I don't see or talk to between support group meetings. I don't do myself any favours by being so reclusive but it is self perpetuating. I have got back into the online community and it is a joy. I have reconnected with a friend who I known for a few years.

You would think that bipolar folk would be more sympathetic to bipolar friends but that isn't always the case. Being lonely in the daytime is not good but you do see people walking and driving around. There are the sounds of the day. The night time is a whole different story. It easier when you are manic because you are single minded and have your own agenda. It still gets lonely in a strange way.

I have been in some strange mixed state for several days now. I don't get the power naps of the manias. I sleep some hours but I awake exhausted in the wee hours. My days are endless apparently and by my early bedtime I am totally exhausted, almost falling over. I go to sleep and wake up before midnight sometimes. If I go back to bed, as last night, I have distinctly unpleasant dreams. Mine always seem to include getting lost. I have no idea what that means. The nights are so lonely. You can't make a noise in fear of waking the neighbours. There is no one to talk to except for online friends, many of whom i've known less than a month. They are there for me wherever they are. There is always someone awake. The world is full of people with strange sleep patterns. I wake up before most of my friends go to bed, and they are in the UK.

I don't think the muggles appreciate what it is like to suffer endless waking nights, the exhaustion, the elation, the hunger and the loneliness. No one knows or seems to care. They can't relate. That's why the friendship of other sufferers is so important. It is hard to accept but we shouldn't expect much from anyone. I hope this blog helps and triggers a discussion.

I am incredibly productive in this state. I did my weekly financial checks and ordered two weeks groceries in less that 30 minutes before 7.30am. My mind races and my fingers fly over the keyboard. I still feel exhausted. That's strange. Writing seems to spew from my brain onto the keys. This is not a urban myth. Please comment if you feel interested.


  1. This is all very real to me. It takes time to get to a stable place. It was 11 years from my first visit to a psychiatrist to my diagnosis as a bipolar sufferer. Then it took three more years to get settled on a cocktail that evened everything out.

    The biggest piece of advice I can give to you is not give up. Talk to your doctors about these sleep issues. See what can be done.

    And know you can call on me.

  2. I know this is might be a ridiculous question but are you on meds? I know that a lot of medicine doesn't help with bipolar patients, I finally found a cocktail that works for me and am curious if you have one of your own :)

  3. To the Queen, I hope you got my dm. I am weaning of lithium cos of kidney damage. I feel ok but I have been riding hypomania to get my story finished. I am back in control with plenty of chilling. I am also on new cholesterol meds and meds are a bit in flux.
    Take Care, Clive xxx

  4. For me my 6 month mania was beautiful. I knew what to take to keep it going and ended up in a psych ward. I didn't realise that others aren't so enthusiastic about life. Yes I was more productive, I was also smarter. I was more fun (to me at least) and I had so much energy which I wasted on fb. I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong with me, it was everyone else. Now I understand that people don't want to be bombarded with what I consider to be fascinating social commentary, dry wit and wordplay. Silly people. So I have to take lithium because there's something wrong with society. I'm fine with the mood swings, my family isn't. I have taken every antipsychotic and many anticonvulsants. The lithium makes me tired and lethargic but I have this idea that if I get into a good diet and exercise routine I can drop the meds. I really don't want to take them.



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